Agnosticism

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“It's possible that I'm agnostic. Then again, it's also possible that I'm not.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Agnosticism

“I know I don't believe in atheism, but agnosticism is something I've never been too sure about”

~ Mark Twain on Agnosticism

“Yes or No, I'm still right”

~ Agnostic on the existence of God

Agnosticism (not to be confused with an Eggnogsticism) is the religious equivalent of a Libertarian. Agnostics believe that it is impossible to determine whether there is or is not a God. By claiming that God possibly exists, they assure themselves that they'll still make it to the (possible) heaven when they die because they didn't doubt god. By also stating that it is possible that God does not exist however, they can still enjoy religious debates on forums by talking like atheists. Agnostics are more arrogant than atheists and evangelicals combined because they believe that their religion, unlike every other religion, is open-minded to the possibility of God's existence. In rare cases, they believe they have no religion at all[1] and will believe in anything that presents enough long, hard, cylindrical proof. Giant question marks can often be placed over large portions of their personality profiles. They are known for their inability to make a decision on anything. They will occasionally appear during an online discussion of theology to point out that waffling is the best option. When called "fence sitters" they generally reply with "at least it keeps me away from the dogs on either side of the fence".

Many agnostics are simply waiting for Judgment Day, because even though it is possible that it may never happen, in some sense of twisted logic, it is the only thing that they actually have to fear. "Maybe we should just wait and see" is a sentiment that is expressed frequently.

Many agnostics claim that their belief is more about doubting man than anything else. An agnostic does not (usually) believe in the Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, or Pastafarian God, because thy claim that they are fabrication of mankind. Agnostics often use vague references to the magnitude of astronomy, but usually this is just limited to those who have looked at the stars at night. Agnostics would like to see all religions burn in Hell, providing it exists.

Typical Argument[edit]

Theist : I believe what I believe and you should believe it too. The Universe was thought into existence when God thought it so!

Agnostic : I guess that's possible.

Atheist : What are you both talking about? FACTS! WE DEMAND FACTS! Everything is a scientific principle. The universe exists for no reason at all and it's all just chance.

Agnostic : I guess that's possible too.

Theist: But what about hell? Aren't you worried that you'll go to hell? Burn forever and whatnot?

Atheist : That's a ridiculous claim. How can you burn in a place that doesn't exist?

Agnostic : Hmm, but what if it does? I tell you what, I've decided. I've decided that I haven't decided. Sounds good to me!

Theist : gah!

Atheist : gah!

Types of Agnosticism[edit]

  • Confident Agnostics
People who are sure that they're unsure are confident Agnostics. There aren't as many of these as you'd think.
  • Teen-angst Agnostics
Angst is something whole careers in philosophy (and psychology) can be built on, however most people claim that it's just a phase they're going through.
  • Agnostic Atheists
You can't be agnostic and atheist, so these people are just confused. This one's usually just a phase they're going through, too.
  • Agnostic Theists
People who don't know if God exists or not, but are illogical enough to rely on blind faith, and unconvinced enough to think that it's possible that they're not right.
  • Apathetic agnostics
People who don't know and don't care, but they found this term and stuck with it.
  • Fashionable agnostics
People who think that it is cool to be different from the majority (the majority usually being either theists or atheists).
  • Pussy agnostics
They're afraid to take a position on the matter because they're pussy, plain as that. They choose "to believe or disbelieve in anything and/or everything".

Recognising Agnosticism[edit]

A typical Agnostic pondering the meaning of life, or possibly thinking about whether God exists or not, or maybe thinking about if he would like a banana.

Defining whether someone is NOT an agnostic is quite simple. Ask them if God exists. If they answer "Yes" or "No" clearly and definably, they are NOT an agnostic. If they have replied with some convoluted answer, it is possible they are and further diagnosis is required.

Defining something by knowing what it isn't, is never a good start. However, ironically, this is how Agnostics define themselves. For example, most of them are pretty sure that God (if he exists), isn't a giant Codfish. They're also quite certain that he isn't a toaster. The most certain thing they can say regarding the existence of God, is that they sort of have a vague sort of feeling that he exists, but that it's also possible that it is just the curry from last night playing up. Therefore, defining an agnostic is quite difficult, because, put simply, they don't have a definition for themselves.

The distinct character trait however, common to all Agnostics, is the overwhelming ability to be completely indecisive about anything at all.

Identifying an Agnostic in a typical (non-religious) Day-to-Day conversation[edit]

Ryan : Hey Josh, would you like a burger?
Josh : It depends if I'm hungry.
Ryan : Are you hungry?
Josh : Define "Hungry".
Ryan : Like, is your stomach making the rumblies for foodstuffs?
Josh : Though my stomach has not been rumbling, defining "if" or "if not" my stomach requires food is not a decision I feel able to make until I have all the facts.
Ryan : *groan*......So I'll just order a burger for myself, ok?
Josh : Yeah, cool. Can you get me one too? I might (or might not) get hungry later. It's also possible I'll be hungry when it arrives.

Note : Due to Josh's distinct lack of committal to any decision involved in the above conversation, Ryan can safely assume that Josh is an Agnostic.

Famous Agnostics[edit]

Are there any famous agnostics? Nope! It is not a route to fame and fortune. The Pope, or the Dalai Llama, or Mother Theresa are world-famous religious figures, and Richard Dawkins and Steven Hawking are often publicised for their groundbreaking science stuff, but there aren't many famous for being generally indecisive. You don't get interviewed on TV to say "Err, I don't really know." No one wants to hear that. The general populous want to hear from a crazy Fundamentalist Christian or a die-hard Atheist who'll at least be entertaining. You know, some one with some balls.

Notes[edit]

  1. Not to be confused with Atheists, because they either dogmatically believe in science or follow the religion of not following a religion