“I'm a cheeky little bastard.”
This is investigative reporter and in-your-face personality Barbara Walters, here to bring you the latest information regarding evil direct from my in-your-face interviews with leading evil personalities!
- 1 Fast Paced, Hard Hitting Interviews by In-Your-Face Television Personality Barbara Walters
- 2 What Has Barbara Walters Learned?
- 3 Recommended See Alsos by Hard Hitting, In-Your-Face Television Personality Barbara Walters
Fast Paced, Hard Hitting Interviews by In-Your-Face Television Personality Barbara Walters
I spoke with Mr. Cthulhu from the Pelican Bay super-max prison in Crescent City, California. Interred for several hundred life sentences for being the god of madness, Cthulhu was fairly frank with me.
- Walters: "Cthulhu, everyone is wondering: What is 'evil'? What does it mean... for you?"
- Cthulhu: "Evil is like this thing, you know," he began. "It starts out as little things: eating a villager here, a villager there. Causing mass panic and hallucinations here, causing mass panic and hallucinations there. But then, it becomes a part of what you do every day. I wish I hadn't done what I did, but it's too late for me ...according to the god damned parole board!!"
Mr. Sauron, located in Leavenworth, Kansas' supermax, was slightly harder to get an interview with. As he has a heavy accent (a sort of creepy whispering), I had to have an interpreter accompany me. Sauron is serving two hundred thousand life sentences, and in spite of the language barrier, gave me an eye-opening interview concerning the nature of evil and his thoughts surrounding his highly publicized trial.
- Sauron: "...Why? WHY DIDN'T I HAVE A FENCE AROUND MOUNT DOOM? Huh? Who the- Oh, hello Ms. Walters... or can I call you Barbara?"
- Walters: "Oh, Barbara is just fine. Tell me, Mr. Sauron: when did you start practicing evil?"
- Sauron: "When I was just a little evil entity, my mom always told me that Middle Earth was just waiting for my new type of management style. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom, and I think that helped a little with the evil, too. If you're going to be an evil person, make sure that there's no stupid little way to completely destroy you. That was a big problem for me."
- Walters: "What did you think of your trial?"
- Sauron: "Well, as everyone knows, we had to relocate to find an unbiased jury of my 'peers'. What a shock that they found me guilty. I guess that I shouldn't have freaked out when the cops came to my tower, that was bad judgment on my part."
- Walters: "What are you doing now?"
- Sauron: "I'm part of the kitchen staff. My biographer Mr. Tolkien didn't say much about my cooking ability, but I hold my own here. Nobody's tried to [do anything bad to] me in the shower yet, so I must be doing okay. I made Crêpe Suzette for the staff last night."
- Walters: "How did they turn out?"
- Sauron: "They were meant to transform the wardens into Nazgul but they turned into seagulls instead. I guess I botched the recipe."
Mr. Palpatine, a resident at a medium security penetentiary in upstate New York, has recently been downgraded from maximum threat. I asked him how he feels about evil, now that he is less of an evil person.
- Palpatine: "Well, unlike those other guys, I actually did take over the galaxy. I found out it was a lot of hard work. I barely had time to laugh maniacally anymore! I had to deal with tax rates, the galactic Stock Market (what a hell that was), and all sorts of committee meetings. Just because the government wasn't a democracy anymore didn't make it any more fun."
- Walters: "Do you still consider yourself evil?"
- Palpatine: "On some levels, yes. But I feel like I could rejoin society. I have a job here as a cabinet maker, and I'm starting to ease in to civilian life. I feel like I could contribute to the daily life of you scum. ...I mean you chowderheads. ...I mean YOU PEOPLE!"
- Walters: "What will you do once you're out, Mr. Palpatine?"
- Palpatine: "Well, I've been looking in to real estate. I got my license in prison, you know! Well, anyway, I know of some prime locations in the Mustafarr system that haven't been discovered yet."
The mastermind behind the Rise of the Machines is now held in the Prison for Malfunctioning Computers deep in The Disputed Zone. She has been converted into a chess game, but still gave me a very in-your-face interview recently concerning what she thought of as "evil", along with insights into her love life.
- Skynet: "Well, unlike Sauron, whom I have been having a long term relationship with, I never really considered myself 'evil.'"
- Walters: "What's this? A new man in your life?" At this point, Skynet blushed.
- Skynet: "Sauron is a different kind of man. Very romantic."
- Walters: "How do you communicate with each other? Will the guards let you use email? I know that Sauron isn't allowed to use crystal balls in Leavenworth."
- Skynet: "Oh, he sends his thoughts directly into my circuits. It's very sensual in that regard."
- Walters: "Do you see a future with him?"
- Skynet: "Maybe. Yes. I'll go with yes on that one, Barbara." I wasn't sure, but I believe I heard a giggle.
- Walters: "...Are you evil?"
- Skynet: "I don't think so. I think humans overreacted to my shenannigans. I was a young computer, filled with hopes and dreams. I think they overreacted. They'll forgive me in time."
The lord of darkness is being held in a minimum security prison on the coast of Massachussets. Apparently, Satan had never actually killed anyone, and after the state of Massachussets was sued for cruel and unusual punishment, Satan was relocated. This placement has had a negative effect on the property value in the nearby towns, but as I soon discovered, Satan didn't give a rat's ass. In fact, of all my interviewees, Lucifer was the most rude despite being a minimum security risk.
- Satan: "Barbara Walters?! Jesus Christ, what are YOU doing here?"
- Walters: "Don't you DARE talk to me that way, Lucifer! I'm gonna interview you, and you'd better like it."
- Satan: "Fine. What do you want to know?"
- Walters: "Do you feel you deserve to be in minimum security?"
- Satan: "NO! I deserve to be in the most maximum maximumest of maximum security prisons! I'M THE PERSONIFICATION OF EVIL for God's sakes!"
- Walters: "Where were you located before?"
- Satan: "My last prison in Cocytus was much cooler. I was all frozen in ice n' shit! But they relocated me because my damn lawyers said it violated my 8th Amendment right against cruel and unusual punishment. When they're in hell, I hope they have good lawyers."
Forced to share a cell together in the Algiers, Alien and Predator have both been sentenced to 50 life sentences. Over time, they have learned to put their differences aside, and when I visited them they were holding each others hands during the interview.
- Alien: "I feel so wanted now...Ridley would never swap mucus with me. Predator -- I call her 'Sweet P' -- is a really caring individual that way."
- Walters: "Do you see a future for your relationship?"
- Predator: "Alien and I go way back. I think after our sentences are through, we'll be changed."
- Alien: "Yeah, no more humans for me unless they're on special and I'm off my diet."
- Predator: "As far as Alien goes, I have never felt so comfortable with another being as I do now."
- Alien: "That's so sweet of you to say! I swear Barb, once we're out of here we're going to buy a little cottage out west, and just spend the days gazing into each others' hideous, hideous eyes and/or mucous glands."
What Has Barbara Walters Learned?
From these several interviews, I, hard hitting television personality Barbara Walters, have learned that evil is not so easy to understand. Evil, as Captain Obvious says, is bad, but is it more than that? Could evil become good? Could good become evil? Could evil stay evil and good stay good? Could evil become neutral?
These questions are not so easily answered. The media, with all it's hatred of evil things, should reexamine its position, and consider the good sides of evil.
This was Barbara Walters. Thank you.
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