“He died for your sins. He's back for your brains.”
It was as the subtle, burning glances of His onlooking Roman captors, the remorsefully sullen followers became more stricken with terror, fright, and penance that Zombie Jesus returned to this world, forcing his broken, tired limbs, blood-stained from the mortal wounds he had suffered, to pull his undead carcass from the rough hewn Cross so that he might seek the most appropriate Earthly sustenance deserved of the sacrificed son of God: a crimson river of Flesh and Brains to satiate his heavenly hunger.
After dying, Jesus was raised from the dead and once more walked among the living. This, of course, would only be possible if he were a zombie; Zombie Jesus is the identity of Jesus following the Resurrection. In zombie form, Jesus retained his unending love for mankind, in particular, he loved their sweet, delectable brains. Many of his followers were surprised when, instead of offering God's salvation, Zombie Jesus voraciously consumed their faces.
Today, it is widely believed that Jesus was the source of most modern-day zombies. When he was resurrected, Zombie Jesus infected his disciples with the blood of the new "Holy Alliance", thus creating the first wave of a whole new era of zombie mayhem, which would spread terror on a level unseen since the infection of a cadre of elite Greek philosophers by Zombie Plato several centuries before. This new batch of zombies was later able to develop the Roman Catholic Church, after the political elite of the Roman Empire were zombified by Alberto the Great (who was actually a zombie-vampire hybrid created by Constantine with the help of his right hand man, Albert Einstein). It is widely known that the modern Catholic Church is full of zombies, with its highest position of authority occupied by a hive-mind zombie-vampire referred to as the "Zombie Pope", or just "Pope" for short.
Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus' words and acts are recorded in one of the apocryphal books (books which were not included in the New Testament by the Catholic Church), the "Book of Brains". The most famous part of the "Book of Brains" is the "Parable of the Brains", in which Zombie Jesus spoke unto the assembled masses: "Braaaiiins.... braaaiiinnnss... braaaaiinss!!" (in the original Greek of the Gospel, "μυαλό.... μυααααλό.... μυααααλό!!!").
He also coined the phrase "turn the other cheek so I can eat the other side of your brains!"
Defeating Zombie Jesus
Unlike the common zombie or the common Jesus, Zombie Jesus is notoriously difficult to put down. The garden-variety zombie can be killed by a shovel to the brain, but only the Soviets (or an army of Tyrannosaurs with severely agitated polar bears for arms) could theoretically defeat Zombie Jesus. The Soviets had massive amounts of nuclear waste after the Warm War, so they decided to dump it all over the world. Some time after his resurrection, while shuffling around looking for delectable brains, Zombie Jesus stumbled into a pit of radioactive waste dumped by the Soviets. It instantly absorbed him and mutated him, causing a substantial growth in size and the eruption of tentacles from his sides. This is how the first Kraken was created. Although no longer a zombie, Zombie Jesus Kraken still had a craving for brains and continued terrorizing an unsuspecting and unprepared Earth in search of them. He lived under the sea as a Kraken for many years, but only managed to produce a small number of Krakenlings, which can most likely be attributed to the undead nature of his reproductive system. The small size of his brood is the direct cause of our lack of ship-devouring monsters in the modern day, forcing us instead to watch them sink after hitting an iceberg or something equally as lame and James-Cameron-boner-inducing. After some years of being a Kraken, Zombie Jesus swam into a large deposit of radioactive waste dumped into the ocean by the Soviets. He was mutated back into the form of a man, but was was quickly killed by a Nazi. Despite having lived as a Messiah, a zombie, and a Kraken, he was still a Jew, and Nazis hate Jews.
He naturally re-rose from the dead as a zombie three days later to continue his endless slaughter (this occasion is celebrated by Zombie Easter, in which people put up decorations of the Zombie Easter Bunny). When his terrified victims voiced their doubt that Zombie Jesus could have returned yet again, he offered to let them feel the shovel-shaped hole in his skull. Their disbelief assuaged, Zombie Jesus happily ate their faces off.
Zombie Jesus was defeated again in 1369 AD when he was tricked by a priest into consuming a host. After being informed he had just consumed his own body, Zombie Jesus vanished in a puff of brain dust.
Scientologists, however, believe this was a coincidence, and that instead, the Undead Savior was blown up by some method, scattering his essence throughout the atmosphere. If this is the case, it is likely that the eventual incorporation of his molecules into every living thing gave rise to the saying that "Zombie Jesus lives in all of our hearts."....or that the inhalation of a formerly undead savior will cause breathing complications.
It seems likely that if the Scientologists' claim is to be believed, Zombie Jesus may have been killed by an apple pie, the polar opposite of the zombie. However, the only kind of apple pie that Zombie Jesus is not resistant to is Satan's Apple Pie, which was lost after Zombie Jesus was killed. There is no evidence for this claim, and when asked, Satan responded, "What the hell are you talking about? Get the hell out of... hell!"
The Third Coming of Zombie Jesus was in 1945, when he dropped from the skies onto Japan - often mistaken as the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. After a brief street brawl with Godzilla, he went on to try conquer Kentucky, USA, in a feeble attempt to discover KFC's secret ingredient. After stopping in New Mexico for a Taco break, a fight with Optimus Prime (5th president of the USA) led them both to fly into outer space and collide into Pluto. This in turn made the planet move 10,000,000 miles backwards and the apparent reduction in size led astronomers to degrade it to a "dwarf planet" - much the the shame of Walt Disney. Zombie Jesus has yet to be heard of since. Some speculation is that his final rising will be in 2015.
Will Zombie Jesus rise yet again? Only time may tell.
Zombie Jesus in popular culture
Zombie Jesus is commemorated in the popular Jesusmas song, Away in a Graveyard:
- Away in a graveyard, a stone overhead
- The zombie lord Jesus is raised from the dead
- The bones and the corpses are at his command
- And rise like their master to swarm o'er the land!
- The women are screaming, then running away
- Poor Mary and Martha are gnawed where they lay
- I fear thee, lord Jesus, your curséd undeath
- With worms in your bowels and rot on your breath.
- Have mercy, lord Jesus, don't eat me today
- Next year I'll be bigger, I promise! I pray
- Some shaman or rabbi or priestess or such
- Will stake you and save us from your deadly touch.
Some people believe that 2012 will be Jesus' last rising and bringing candy and undeadness to all those who tread against him. Those who help Zombie Jesus will also be rewarded with candy and a minor contagious disease (being turned into a zombie.) They say that in the "Bible" that an apocalypse will arrive when Jesus respawns in the next round of search and destroy (remember only one life in that game) and he will "Save our souls". This is a typo the "Bible" was meant to say "Rape-our-souls-and-hope-it-doesn't-get-pregnant". This typo has caused much controversy over Catholic's beliefs and Zombie Jesus decided not to do anything about it and see how they go in 2012. Mayan's also knew about Jesus' final rising from the dead and tried to warn the future humans. But we were all to busy with petrol prices and trying to get rid of NickelBack that no one bothered to listen to that "the end is near" guy. The theory of 2012 will result in a zombie apocalypse. See HowTo:Survive a Zombie Outbreak to prepare.
Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained - such as his tendency to sleep in tombs, and Luke 9:60 "Leave the dead to bury their own dead". Also, Vampire Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can't chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.
"the power of me compells me" vampire Jesus
Judas is often portrayed as being the very essence of evil by many Christians. However, it is apparent to the intelligent population that Judas was in fact the original vampire slayer and the ancestor of Simon Belmont. With the help of his greatest friend and ally Ponchos Pilot, Judas was able to defeat Vampire Jesus following his resurrection. The vampire slayer whip, which played a crucial role in the defeat of Vampire Jesus, was actually crafted by a distant relative of Jesus named Jewsus who always had a burning hatred for the devilish carpenter.
The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because "Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies". These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.
In recent decades there has been a movement to reconcile the two factions by declaring that Jesus was both zombie and vampire. This can best be seen with the song "Days of Swine and Roses" by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult which has as part of its chorus the words "Christian Zombie Vampires".
HE DIED FOR OUR SINS, NOW HE'S BACK FOR OUR BRAINS!!!!!!!!
Don't even get me started on werewolf Jesus.
Zombie Jesus's Disciples
After zombie Jesus's "death," Zombie Peter set out on a quest to make brains easier for Zombie Jesus to eat when he returned. Zombie Peter has been reincarnated in many forms over the years, including Leonardo da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Steve Jobs.
The Easter Bunny vs Zombie Jesus
A small sect of the internet (ie. Two People) follows the belief that the Easter Bunny is the sole reason that Zombie Jesus has not brought about a zombie apocalypse yet. This belief system, called Lapinism, seeks to explain the non-Jesus related themes of easter, such as pastel eggs and chocolate rabbits, by using 20th Century American action movie logic. Every year, on Easter, Zombie Jesus rises from the grave, meant to bring about a cleansing of the human race through cannibalistic acts. The only one opposing Zombie Jesus in this is the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny uses a vast arsenal of weaponry, including Pastel painted grenades (which is what brought about hiding eggs, in an attempt to fool Zombie Jesus into thinking these are grenades), helps him drive Zombie Jesus back to his grave, which magically changes places every year. The most memorable fight between these two formidable opponents took place in a chocolate factory, where the Easter Bunny made a full size chocolate replica of himself to confuse Zombie Jesus, which is why we now have chocolate rabbits every Easter.
How many Zombie Jesuses does it take to stop the insanity? ANSWER: Trick question. There is only one Zombie Jesus.
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