“God™ hates Dashboard Confessional™”
Dashboard Confessional™ is the essential computer product for Catholics on the go.
In between the hassles of beating the kids and trash-talking Protestant splitters, it has become increasingly more difficult for Catholics to practice their faith and insult others even more than they used to. Some just can't find the time for proper confession.
However, with Dashboard Confessional™, confessing your sins is as easy as talking into a cup! For only ten easy payments of $69.99, you too can feel closer to Jesus and closer to heaven. But don't wait! Get yours now! The Dashboard Confessional™: you need it, because we said so, you vagrant heathen.
The need for the Dashboard Confessional™ came about when the iPope™, a device very similar to the contemporary Dashboard Confessional™, became outdated, and the demand for repentance had become too much for the low-quality processors of the iPope™ and its derivatives.
As a result, Vatican®, the company who introduced the iPope™ (as well as the iPriest, which ended in a massive underage sex scandal) began upgrading the iPope™. After several years of tuning, the final prototype was complete. However, Vatican® was forced to rename the product under a different trademark due to the vast differences between the iPope™ and the new prototype.
Thus the Dashboard Confessional™ was born.
Units of the Dashboard Confessional™ became available on store shelves in 1999, and it immediately became a commercial success, selling millions of units worldwide within the first three seconds. Today, all vehicles in Italy come standard with a Dashboard Confessional™.
Low end models of the Dashboard Confessional™ provide a variety of up to fifty pre-recorded phrases including “continue, my child” and the chart topping smash “the grace of God™ be with you”, while the premium selection includes an instant link-up to The Heavenly Father™ via tin can and string, with optional IM client. Dashboard Confessional™ runs on proprietary Faith™ software, providing smooth and steady performance within any conditions, except: marriage crises, hostage negotiations, depression, crucifixions, and areas in which FM radio reception is simply too strong.
The Dashboard Confessional™ is fully compatible with modern cellular phones, enabling 24-hour SMS access to your Dashboard Confessional™ both in front of and away from the wheel. Whether you need "2 go 2 chrch" or "pik up frangas", the Dashboard Confessional™ is on hand at the touch of a single button to deliver the divine truths of H.A.H.T.L.O.H.E.T.O.A.O.J.K.1.8.2. (His Awesome Holiness, The Lord of Heaven and Earth, the One and Only Jesus Krist 182™).
The internal structure of the Dashboard Confessional™ uses Faith™ technology. Although the Dashboard Confessional™ is considered to be an upgraded model of the iPope™, Faith™ operating system has been around for millennia. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Developed by a group of monastics in the first century AD, Faith™ is famous for being the first ever operating system to run without electricity or any sort of internal logic. Available only in a single size, Mustard Seed™, what Faith™ lacks in customization it makes up for in stability. Products powered by Faith™ include: war, politics, actors, Santa Claus, the Iranian soccer team, and that kid who believed Willy could make the jump when all the odds were against him, thus making it the most popular operating system in the world as vindicated by Faith™'s developers.
Installation and Maintenance
In order to ensure correct operation of your Dashboard Confessional™ unit, it should be securely fastened to your vehicle's dashboard using the provided mounting screws. Normal airbag function may be disrupted by the installation of the unit.
The Dashboard Confessional™ comes with the following sins memorized:
- Playing with your food
- Playing with your self
- Playing with the person next to you
- Making money
- Making sex
- Making sex for money
- Shucking corn
- Tossing the Holy Hand Grenade to a count other than three
- The Dashboard Confessional™ loses complete reception within the state of Utah, and within 50 yards of any synagogue.
- Cups come in several custom colors, such as mandarin copper, Siam sunrise, and dusk and summer.
- Despite popular belief, Faith™ is destructible.
- A Muslim version of the Dashboard Confessional™ is expected to be released from a separate company, titled, Dashboard Martyr™.
|“||I've never even owned a Dashboard Confessional. Stop asking me for my testimonial!||”|
|“||The Pope would be proud. No, not this new one. The dead one. He would be proud.||”|
|“||Dashboard Confessional™ preoccupied me while I was driving, and I drove my car into a ditch. I'm currently paralyzed from the waist down. Thanks Dashboard Confessional™!||”|
|“||My Dashboard Confessional™'s installation botched my airbag. The other day I got into a car accident. Luckily, I didn't get as badly messed up as the person above me. I died.||”|
|“||Now with my Dashboard Confessional™ and my extremely Catholic bumper sticker collection, I feel that my car is some sort of church. All I need now is some spinners.||”|
|“||I didn't know that Customer Support for the Dashboard Confessional™ was a suicide hotline. Does anybody else find that a bit odd?||”|