- This article is about a place of worship for followers of Islam. For the species of shellfish, see Mosques.
A mosque is a building that houses awesome toys. Muslims will visit a mosque once a day or more and play with toys until they get bored and go home. Non-muslims like the toys in mosques so much they pretend to be muslim people. That way they can play with the toys. Even when they are in fact normal people who just find toys in mosques irresistible. The toys in Mosques must stay in mosques and can never leave. There is one exception and that is the holy rule book. The rule book can leave the mosque, be read outside and can serve any purpose such as reading material while sitting on the toilet. Mosque owners lock up all other toys making muslims spend sleepless nights missing their precious toy fun. The greatest toys inside a mosque are carpets, chandeliers, mosaic tiles, pillars and shoe racks. Decent mosques should have fountains and light switches. The best mosques have sound systems so Muslim people can play with the speakers and microphones. Children in these mosques, if they are good little muslims, can play with the sound cables and volume dials for five minutes each.
Toys keep muslim people busy and content to their lives as the muslim people they are. More imaginative Muslim men find mosques limiting and play cowboys in rundown ghettos with discarded Russian technology. Mosques will even provide young men with camouflage outfits and basic ammunition so that they can play dress up. The mortality rate is low as one would expect with what is, in the end, a friendly game. The most diehard hyperactive muslim men don't bother with mosques and cowboys and Indians. They prefer to play with American air planes.
Any mosque is like any other mosque though they are not just any building (such as bomb shelters and clandestine headquarters which house far more sophisticated toys). They all point towards a specific location on Earth which is called Mekka. This is where muslim toys were created and where the rule book was invented by the first muslim toy players. They usually have a very tall thin tower in a notably phallic shape where a man climbs up several times a day to call all of the children and grown men to come on over and play with some toys. There are often two floors, one that the men hang out on with the coolest toys and another floor where the women can watch down in weary jealousy.
The rule book
In primitive arab times rules were malleable. Usually the man with the biggest and hairiest testicles would create, change and manipulate the rules for everyone. Tired of having smaller and less hairy balls Mohammed and his followers knew things had to change. Being illiterate they simply drew squiggles all over pieces of paper and then scotch-taped it all together creating a standard rule book. Until this day no one can make any sense out of all of the squiggles and dots and so readers are expected to recite some incomprehensible text using a guttural and very angry sounding voice. If the reader doesn't even know Arabic they win more points. If the reader is deaf, mute and blind then they win the game.
It is a myth that muslims take off their shoes when entering a mosque so that the carpets stay clean. While it is true that carpets fare better with bare feet or socks touching them this is not why shoes aren't worn. Muslims take off their shoes because they enjoy smelling each others fermented sock smell . For instance Ahmed Bakhtal likes to play with the brooms and mops in his mosque in Somalia as does his friend Mohel Sawere. They enjoy playing with the long and shapely sticks in their mosquey play house and they enjoy it so much more when each other's fermented sock smell wafts around in the air.
Shiite vs Sunni Mosques
Some muslims prefer playing with sunni toys. These mosques have only one phallic tower (minaret) where a man climbs up and calls sunni toys lovers to go play with their sunni toys. Shiite muslims on the other hand find one phallic tower far too emasculating and prefer buildings with two stiff and tall towers (minarets). Shiite toys are identical to sunni toys though the toy walls may be a lighter shade of dirty. Sunnis and Shiites could visit each others buildings and play with each other's toys noticing zero meaningful difference. They could get along quite well but unfortunately they cannot do this. If a Sunni plays with a broken light socket a Shiite will get jealous and take the toy socket and hog it for himself. And on it goes. Sunnis are even known to play jokes on Shiite mosque by stealing all of their toys and burning their mosque down. The Shiites miss their toys dearly and promise to avenge the memories of their mosques really fun ceiling fans and entertaining coat racks.
Non muslims may visit mosques but are expressly forbidden to play with toys. Toys are for muslim hands only and grave punishments are swiftly dealt to infidels who mess with holy islamic play things. Punishments include a time out, five lashes (with a toy whip), ejection from mosque without a refund and for the luckiest a once in a lifetime chance to have your head slowly cut off. The most honoured infidels who are beheaded are immortalized on youtube where millions can watch a beautiful demonstration of a way of peace.
Mosque in Arabic is Masqiye. The three consonant cluster of s-q-y suggests a place. The vowels i and e in position II and III infer a singular definite inanimate noun. The prefix ma- implies that toys are inside. Thus Masqiye means a particular place where greasy men play with fun things.
The first holy toy rules
One day Mohommed a man who loved to play with himself during his alone time realised that playing with other men in mosques (with women watching from above) was far more enjoyable. One day a voice in his head told him to standardise the rules.
Mo had his children play with some toys with a standard set of rules and he found they worked very nicely. News about these great toys and holy rules spread along the Arabian peninsula. Even his 14 year old wives would play with the toys when no one was looking. Mo realised this and decided the rules about girls and toys needed some revising. Astonishingly...the very next day the imaginary man in his head dictated a new rule. If women play with toys it should be when the men are bored with them and only after supper is served and only if their hymen has been ripped open after virginal sex.
The mosque within a mosque
In Damascus there is a mosque so large and so filled with toys that there are several mosques inside with their own trinkets and doo-hickies. Muslims are known to get so lost in this vast complex that they occasionally starve to death. Some other unfortunate gamesters get suffocated when falling under a pile of toys. When this happens a day of mourning occurs where fellow players will feel sad and talk about the old times when they played with toys and funny moments where the muslim guy who died did something particularly fun with the toys. Some of them leave and go home and play with their secret toys in sadness. Others get drunk off of a secret cache of alcohol hidden under their sink. Still others play with their wives' vaginas. Others make their peace with their lost playmate and honor their holy and sacred duty: playing with toys in the spirit of Mohammed the great toy giver and rule maker...inside a mosque, with fabulous toys with the delicious wafting smell of fermented socks.