Donald Trump

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Donald Trump's combover sometimes flares up when it senses threats to its master.

Donald John "The Donald™" Trump, Sr. (born June 14, 1946) is an unevenly tanned businessman, television personality, political pundit, intermittent Republican Party candidate, and the 45th and current President of the United States. Some time traveler must have fucked up big time.

Before he became Commander-in-chief, Trump dipped his big toe into politics by yelling at Obama on Fox and Friends. Trump ran for President on a platform condemning the political establishment and their Muslim-Chinese-Mexican vanguards. Trump ultimately won the 2016 election on the tried and true campaign strategy of not being Hillary Clinton.

When he's not grabbing America by the pussy, Trump writes storybooks for the children of venture capitalists. His most notable work is Seal the Deal, about a marine mammal that invests in expensive marinas and opens undersea golf courses in Scotland.

Biography

The Donald's parents were The Fred and The Ethel.

Trump claims he was born in New York in 1946, and has copies of his birth certificates available for scrutiny on his Samsung Galaxy. There is a possibility he was also dropped on his head; this could explain the stringy, nearly natural-looking textile that now grows out of the top of it.

Trump is the son of wealthy real-estate magnate Fred Trump and his wife Ethel Trump (née Mertz). He joined the family property-management business, Fred and Ethel and a Few Skyscrapers, Inc., which became notorious because of celebrity tenant Lucille Ball; and in 1971 renamed it Donald Trump, Inc.

Trump is said to be averse to handshakes, though he claims he shook "a couple of hands" while campaigning in New Hampshire, "and you know, you just know, how grimy these people get." As a germophobe, The Donald has little experience with handshakes (an arduous act on account of his tiny, tiny hands), and prefers to claw-grab people by their palms and shake their arms like baby rattles.

Investments

Donald Trump earns most of his income through royalties from the 2002 Activision game, Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon. The rest of his fortune comes from selling TRUMP brand licensing to hotel companies in the third world, who wish to affect an air of American haughtiness and excess to foreigners who don't know any better.

Aside from real-estate, Trump has whittled away billions on other feckless business ventures. He promoted a line of gourmet Trump Steaks, which sold quality cuts of beef well cooked in a saucepan of boiling hot ketchup. Trump also founded Trump University, where students spent their lifesavings for a chance to get fingerblasted by The Donald himself. Almost all of his titular forays into business outside of real estate have crashed and burned, like the maiden flight of Trump Airlines, which burst into flames after Trump fired the landing gear to save on jet fuel costs. Trump did prove himself adept at filing for bankruptcy and accepting emergency loans from his father.

Television productions

The Apprentice

"Who has two thumbs up your asshole? I will!"

Trump was the star and executive producer (and, coincidentally, majority owner) of a reality show on NBC called The Apprentice, whose episodes feature a dozen businesspeople competing to be hired for a one-year contract to manage either one of Trump's un-reality real-estate companies or his fantasy football team in the defunct U.S. Football League. Each show ends with Trump uttering his signature phrase, "You're fired," to one of the competitors, who of course had not yet been hired.

Camera crews follow the competitors as they wait in line to get building permits, insult the slum-dwellers who will be displaced by the proposed luxury condominiums, and bark orders to construction crews. In the final segments of the episode, viewers see into the board room and get an imitation glimpse of the skullduggery with which real corporations make their most important personnel decisions. Losers have to sleep in tents pitched out behind Trump's Servants' Residence. During the seventh season only, losers had to clean Trump's toilet with a toothbrush, which they often had to go on to employ in its more typical use.

Spin-offs

It is a tenet of American business to slap the name of any good product onto several other products of lower quality. Thus, in 2005, Trump created the spin-off series The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. He hired self-made billionaire and self-made jailbird Stewart to interview "candidates" who would assist her in everything from laundering intimate apparel to laundering money. Trump and Stewart had a falling-out during the year, based on Nielsen ratings and on Stewart's notorious arrest and trial, in which clips from the spin-off were key pieces of evidence, and the show was not renewed. Stewart, however, has undergone the most spectacular rehabilitation of any person outside Communist China and has returned to chair Omnimedia, a wiki that directly competes with Uncyclopedia, Inc.

In 2007, the series was renewed for a seventh season, but retitled The Celebrity Apprentice. Instead of competent individuals vying for a job in a nonexistent organization, stage actors competed to win money for charity. This was the key to the rise in influence in America of Piers Morgan, who won the initial series by tapping his competitors' cell phones. Morgan distinguished himself as the most competent in a competition where no competence was necessary, and was thus a lock to go on to anchor the CBS Evening News.

In 2010, a spin-off entitled Donald J. Trump Presents The Ultimate Merger gave "candidates" the chance to become Trump's newest trophy wife. Following in the path of industry giants Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who have jumped at the chance for broadcasting outlets with potentially higher audiences than the gigantic U.S. television networks, Trump aired the new spin-off on a nascent webcast outlet called The Spunk Channel. Thankfully, the individual "competitions" are shown outside the "family viewing hour."

Early forays into politics

2012 presidential campaign

At a debate in Nashua in 2011, Trump had little to say on public policy, but uttered the memorable line, "Excuse me, but I paid for this microphone."

Although ever-anxious for greater public exposure than he could achieve through the backwater of network television, Trump had never evidenced interest in government, outside a few retail campaign contributions in cash; nor had he mounted a serious campaign for political office. However, he had mounted several things that resembled campaigns, due to virtuoso use of crass stunts and personal attacks. The key discriminant was that these "campaigns" follow not the U.S. election schedule but the Nielsen ratings schedule.

Trump was mentioned as a running mate for Vice President by Michele Bachmann. This occurred in the same day where Bachmann repeatedly said that the "midnight run [sic] of Paul Revere" occurred hundreds of miles up-river in New Hampshire, just prior to her mysterious disappearance from public life.

Birther controversy

Trump made it on stage with the so-called "Seven Dwarfs" who were contesting the Presidency in 2012 at the notorious quadrennial "Politics and Eggs" breakfast symposium, though neither were thrown. While the other seven presented some sort of platform for the management of the U.S. government, Trump's entire thesis was that Obama was not a "natural-born citizen." Finally, Obama released a Photoshop file from 1959 that disproved this charge. Trump declared that this act effectively made himself the winner and wound up his campaign.

On the eve of the 2012 U.S. presidential election, Trump decided more documentation was needed, and offered to pay Mr. Obama $5,000,000 for the latter's college transcripts (or donate it to Mr. Obama's favorite charity, though the Black Panthers were unusually busy that month). Trump upped the ante to $10,000,000 for a more thorough disclosure. Said Trump, "Rent-versus-buy is a common dilemma of the businessman. In this case, we decided it would be more cost-effective to pay Obama to disclose the information and convert it into a scandal himself, than it would be if he merely disclosed it and my people had to turn it into a scandal."

2016 Election Campaign

Primary

Donald Trump formally announced his impending presidency on June of 2015. People initially dismissed his candidacy as an extended ad for the Apprentice (Sundays 9/8c, only on NBC), and in response, Trump roped the media in with a steady supply of unabashed racism and angry yelling, the crack cocaine of television. News reports of Trump's steady rise followed a strict routine: a panel expressing bemused incredulity, followed by an uninterrupted two-hour long broadcast of a Trump rally, followed by a cut to Chris Hayes looking confused. When Trump rose in the polls, this routine was amended by adding hints of panic and apprehension in the bemused panel's eye wrinkles.

The Republican Primary field was crowded by a horde of middle-aged Target Floor Managers in various states of face pudginess. Trump stood out from his competitors, since he was an orange goblin instead of a white man. Jebediah "Jeb!" Bush was considered the probable front-runner, as he was decreed by Barbara Bush to be the heir to the Bush family dynasty, but he quickly faded into irrelevance after Trump called him names.

In a December 2015 debate, Jeb told Trump that he couldn't "...insult [his] way to the presidency." Trump responded by repeating Jeb's statement, adding a screeching nasal sneer while rocking his hips side to side, all to the crowd's roaring approval.

By March 2016, the Republican Primary had been whittled down to three candidates: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and John Kasich. Ben Carson had been close to Trump in the polls, but he dropped out of the race when, after an especially long nap, his astral form failed to re-merge with his physical body. Marco Rubio, owner and proprietor of the Florida Pizza chain "Little Marco's", accidentally fell into a vat of spray-tan formula and was declared "too ethnic" to run in the primary.

General

Footnotes

See also

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Donald Trump.
Candidates in the 2016 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

Donald TrumpTed CruzRand PaulMarco RubioBen CarsonCarly FiorinaMike HuckabeeRick SantorumGeorge PatakiLindsey GrahamJeb BushChris ChristieJohn KasichJim GilmoreScott WalkerRick PerryBobby Jindal

Democratic Candidates

Hillary ClintonBernie SandersMartin O'MalleyLawrence LessigLincoln ChafeeJim Webb

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