MAGA Trumptanic
The almighty beautiful MAGA Trumptanic was an American steamship built for the Trump Cruise Line, exotically made in China for America's greatest patriots. It traveled over the seven bodies of big water, and was powered by coal, fracking, cow farts, and hydroxychloroquine to own the libs. Its route would be from America to New Mexico.
The vessel was especially famous for its diverse passengers, ranging from Russians to porn stars and from corporate Republicans to Neo-Nazis, all very fine passengers. Sadly, on its first voyage, it was sabotaged by the Democratic Cunard Line who were jealous of Trump Cruise Line's success by collaborating with Communists to develop a lab-produced iceberg and place it in Trumptanic's path.
The fake news media said that the disaster was at the fault of the Captain, D. J. Trump, for allegedly mishandling the sinking of the vessel when that couldn't have been farther from the truth. The Trumptanic did better than every other vessel in the evacuation, and had the best numbers of sinking casualties in the history of ships that sank, even doing better than some ships that didn't sink at all. The mishandling was at the fault of the Obama & Biden Shipbuilding Company for not making sure the ship wouldn't sink in the future. This was all despite the fact that the Obama & Biden Company had dissolved years before the keel for Trumptanic was even laid at Mar-a-Lago.
Design[edit | edit source]
The MAGA Trumptanic was yuuuuge. It was very long and beautiful, inspired by some of the parts of Captain Trump's body. After the tragedy of the RMS Titanic in 1912, the Trump Cruise Line vowed to make the world's safest ship and make ocean lining great again. One of the features would be a great, great watertight wall on the bottom decks. All toilets were made of authentic South African gold. Oddly enough, these toilets weren't only found in washrooms; they were also found in all sorts of odd locations, such as a few in the middle of the midship lobby, at least three located at the bottom of a hot tub, as well as substituting for all the seats in the Grand Trump Theater. The vessel's capacity was one trillion.
The vessel's propulsion consisted of three yuge metal pinwheels (that college-educated libs call "propellors") made of Congolese diamonds. The engines were powered on 100% nonrenewable fossil fuels originating from the heartlands of America's most beautiful national parks, like Yosemytes.
The vessel had five funnels, four of which were installed to release the smoke from the boiler rooms, while the fifth funnel was meant to release extra unnecessary pollutants that weren't essential to the vessel's operation just to trigger environmentalists. The sewage system was designed to dump toxic waste into the ocean.
The Democrat-controlled Center of Naval Safety made Trumptanic have fifteen lifeboats because they wanted the ship to look bad even though it was in fact the safest ship in the history of our country. The Trump Cruise Line argued that the boats were stupid and unneeded, since they would make the decks look ugly and block the view while the sounds of them rocking back and forth could cause cancer. The Center of Naval Safety of course didn't budge, and almost sued Trump Cruise Line for its incompetence. Luckily, the company was acquitted by the United States Senate but was still in the end forced to accommodate 15 ugly ass lifeboats.
To teach the Do-Nothing Democrats a lesson, the Trump Cruise Line replaced a bunch of the ship hospitals and testing centers with amazing golf courses.
Launching and sea trials[edit | edit source]
Launch[edit | edit source]
The boat was first launched in 1916 down a slippery escalator after being christened with a beautiful bottle of Trump Vodka by the Tsar of the Russian Empire, Vladimir Putin. Others attending the ceremony were the CEO/captain's family, Jeffrey Epstein, M. Pillow Guy, and Sean Hannity. Everyone in the crowds cheered.
Sea trials[edit | edit source]
During his sea trials, many had a lot of of doubts Trumptanic would pass. CNN estimated the vessel had only an 8% chance of passing, and would sink instantly. Meanwhile, the Democrat Cunard Line's HMHS Hillary was expected to pass with flying colors. In a shocking turn of events, the Hillary ended up tilting, capsizing, and simultaneously exploding like an bomb in Benghazi due to being too crooked in her design (the incident has since given the sunken liner the nickname "Crooked Hillary"). Meanwhile, Trumptanic passed with flying colors (red, white, and blue to be exact), though it is alleged by the captain's niece that the Russian steamer Bot passed the trials for Trumptanic.
Passengers and crew[edit | edit source]
Passengers[edit | edit source]
The total number of passengers to board Trumptanic were 62,000,000 people. Notable first class passengers included the entire Trump family, Tim Apple, Rush Limbaugh, Kim Jong-un, Muhammed bin Salman, Sean Hannity, and even Q, while second class included Hunter Biden (who snuck onto the ship) and a bunch of Russian prostitutes. Taxpayer money from stokeworkers and third class passengers was used to power the ship and also to fund renovations for the captain's cabin. There were a lot criminal illegal Mexican stowaways on the ship who stole jobs in the boiler rooms from hard-working American patriots. They also brought a lot of drugs and crime onboard the ship. Throughout the voyage, many of these illegal stowaways were thrown overboard
Crew[edit | edit source]
Trumptanic's crew was chaotic, to say the least. Many officers and crew members were constantly fired by Captain Trump and replaced with new people on the spot throughout the voyage. However, it included:
- Captain Donald J. Trump
- First Officer Mike Pence
- Second Officer Mike Pompeo
- Third Officer Rudy Giuliani
- Fourth Officer William Barr
MyPillow Guy was responsible for providing bedding.
Maiden voyage[edit | edit source]
Trumptanic left her port of registry in New York City to pick up passengers at a Trump Rally in Southampton, New York.