Kim Jong-un

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Kim Kardashiun's double chin stares deep into your sole.

Kim Jong-un (born 8 January 1984), referred to by his slaves as Kim Jong Number-Un and KimJongdaGoon, and by everyone else as Kim Fatty III or Almighty Leader King Chancellor Dictator Governor Emperor Commander Chief Manager Captain Ruler President, or, most commonly known to Russians as Kim Kardasiun: is a kid who somehow rose to the position of führer of Communist China.

Early life[edit]

Jong-un as a child during the annual famine.

Jong-un was born on Jupiter at 8:12 PM February 30 34 BC. Because of his birthday, he never ages and will always be a baby. Little known fact is that he was also Darth Vader in the newest Doctor Who magazines. Not much is known about Jong-un's childhood since his father hid him away on Mars to become a commander of the Third Reich.

His siblings also attended the school with him with the cover story that they were all children of North Korean embassy workers in Switzerland. As one can see, North Korean leaders are well aware of how crappy their country is and opt to send their overweight children to the best schools while everyone else in North Korea eats fried dirt or starves.

What little is known about his life before leadership can be found in Switzerland; there is a book contained in one of the libraries called meditations of Kimmy Jongen, which is suspected to be Kim Jong-un's first rape attempt.

Quote from Meditations of Kimmy Jongen:

"There was one day he knocked over this fat kid who had diarrhea, then markered his ass with an H. He kept slapping it until it eventually exploded. It was his first successful H-Bum test. The teacher put him in detention, where he became the leader of the Detention's Republic of Cholera, eventually censoring all windows and doors."

It is unknown where those poor children have gone to, as they were never found again. However, it is believed that they were moved to slave camps in North Korea, where they continue to eat fried dirt or starve

Political ascent[edit]

Jong-un's reaction to his father's death.

Kim Jong-Un became Supreme Leader of North Korea after a series of strategic political moves. In a clever stroke of genius that one can only expect from a North Korean leader, Jong-Un chose to be born the son of North Korea's leader. It was a politically risky move, but Jong-Un knew the attitudes of North Koreans were changing. His childhood, as earlier mentioned, was largely about sex and basketball, which concerned many North Korean military leaders. He mitigated his perceived incompetence by continuing to be the son of North Korea's Supreme Leader, which did eventually eroded any doubt that he was unsuited for power.

It is true that many expected Kim Jong-Il's first son, Kim Jong-nomnomnom, to be the next leader. The Japanese correctly told everyone that Jong-Un would be the next in power, as one of their only spies in North Korea happened to be Kim Jong-il's sushi chef. It was during one of the regular golf games that Jong-il paid the chef to play with him that he mentioned how Jong-Un was preferred because his birth was "planned", whereas Jong-nomnomnom was the result of either forgetting to wear a condom or leaving his penis inside the vagina too long. Noticing how slow his cum stream is, it is probably the former, although it is widely believed that North Korean condoms are made out of deceased slave skin, which is known to be flimsy.

Kim Jong-chul, the second son of Jong-il, was also deemed unfit for a political career in the glorious country of North Korea because of his wide hips and linear walk. It was suspected that he had a vagina. As Jong-il put it: "North Korea needs a leader with a penis, even if it is so small that it is practically non-existent."

So when Jong-il sensed his impending death due to his self-proclaimed omniscience, he decided it was time to present his son to the curious people all over the world. Jong-il appointed Jong-un to the political committee where he demonstrated a great ability to be the son of North Korea's leader.

His father then died from a terrible heart attack, making him the first North Korean to die from being too fat since Kim Il-Sung. That fat bastard. The leader's heart was immediately extracted and publicly hanged since it was responsible for killing the dear fat leader. Following his father's death, Jong-un publicly announced that all people in the country needed to show up at the main square in Pyongyang and divide themselves in groups of ten, symbolic for the amount of nipples Jong-Il had. They would be given ten straws, with one being shorter than others. It was a sad day for a person who drew the shortest straw, because he would live, and the other ones would be honorably sacrificed in glory of their most recently deceased obese emperor. Jong-un also promised a new, more humane future for North Korea.

In line with the murders, nine of the ten nipples on Jong-il were removed and stored in a safe vault, which North Korea reporters have confirmed to be Jong-Un's current wife. How they know? Don't tell Kim Jong-Un, but she's been having fun "reporting" for the people of North Korea. Under the title of 사랑스러운 새끼 (Pron. salangseuleoun saekki, Eng. Lovely motherfucker), she has 77 views on North Korea's only porn website, Jing Jongs. Rest of the views go to Kim Jong-Un for his fat cock. Mm, delicious.

On that day, it was estimated that 696969 people died. Coincidence? I think not.

Feverish rule[edit]

The beloved leader at DPRCon.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-un shows signs of following in his father and grandfather's footsteps,[1] claiming that he invented gravity (thus leading one to wonder spelling sucks

people stayed on the ground before he was born unless Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung just used their divine power to keep people on the ground, of course), has invented a miracle cure for AIDS, Cancer, and Ebola, learned to drive when he was three and won a yacht race when he was nine. Oh, and he actually thought that Dennis Rodman was Barack Obama. This is pretty much the extent of what is known about him and it's entirely plausible that this is also the extent of the CIA's file on him.

Since the death of the second Kim, he managed to avoid the predicted chaos that some expected to happen — and by "chaos," we mean internal collapse, not the Armageddon that he will face from the USA, South Korea, and even China if he continues with his nuclear dick-waving. With that being said, there are reports that his ascension to power has triggered infighting inside the North Korean Army; this has culminated in the public execution of Jang Song Taek, his Number Two and uncle in late 2013, along with most of Jang's family.

A few months later, Kim then replaced his next Number Two, Choe Ryong-hae, which is now occurring at a rate that is getting interesting. Or, rather, terrifying.

Personal life[edit]

Jong-un became sexually active at the age of 14 after meeting a man in a public restroom. Being sexually active at such a young age is not uncommon in North Korea considering most people die before they're 30. He is rumored to enjoy romantic nights by candles, walks upon sandy shores and mass executions, especially those carried out by himself with an anti-aircraft gun.

Jong-un is also a huge fan of basketball, and is rumored to have met with Michael Jordan and that white guy that was on the Chicago Bulls during the 90's. He most recently met with Dennis Rodman. He is also known in North Korea as the greatest toy rocket shooter, and bans all toy rockets that will shoot higher than his homemade ones. He also enjoys threatening world peace by firing his biggest rockets into the air and hoping they make it out of his backyard.

Also, like his father, il-Sung demands shark fin soup at least three times a week, affirming speculation that he is a douche.

Following a hilarious stroke in 2008, Kim Jong-il became obsessed with wanting his son to be married. North Korean officials made the only possible decision they could, by taking Hyon Song-wol, a singer in the government run North Korean music industry, and renaming her Ri Sol-ju. She was forcibly and hastily married to Jong-un in 2009 then enrolled in science courses at Kim il-Sung University. Her science education made it possible for them to spawn a daughter in 2010.

Lastly, according to the political bureau of Uncyclopedia, Kim Jong-un has nothing to do with Uncyclopedia. Any similarities with the name and the bad sense of humor are accidental.


  1. So far, he is shaping up to be even worse than his father and his grandfather.

See also[edit]

Dictators and Tyrants
Adolf Hitler ~ Bashar al-Assad ~ Imelda Marcos ~ Josef Stalin ~ Kim Il-Sung ~ Kim Jong-il ~ Kim Jong-un ~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ~ Muammar Gaddafi ~ Osama bin Laden ~ Lee Kuan Yew ~ Robert Mugabe ~ Saddam Hussein ~ Vladimir Putin