Kim Jong-un

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Kim Kardashiun's double chin stares deep into your soul.

Kim Jong-un (born 8 January 1984), referred to by his slaves as Kim Jong Number-Un or Almighty Leader King Chancellor Dictator Governor Emperor Commander Chief Manager Captain Ruler President, is the currently reigning Supreme Leader of North Korea and a professional golfer. His other notable accomplishments include being the grandson of Kim Il-sung and the son of Kim Jong-il, both also previous Supreme Leaders of North Korea and professional golfers.

Early life[edit]

Jong-un as a child during the annual famine.

Jong-un was born, somewhere, someday. It is assumed that Kim Jong-Il's semen left his penis between 1982 and 1984. Not much is known about Jong-un's childhood since his father hid him away in Switzerland to get a proper education.

His siblings also attended the school with him, with the cover story that they were all children of North Korean embassy workers in Switzerland. As one can see, North Korean leaders are well aware of how crappy their country is and opt to send their overweight children to the best schools while everyone else in North Korea eats fried dirt or starves.

Political ascent[edit]

Jong-un's reaction to his father's death.

Kim Jong-Un became Supreme Leader of North Korea after a series of strategic political moves. In a clever stroke of genius that one can only expect from a North Korean leader, Jong-Un chose to be born the son of North Korea's leader. It was a politically risky move, but Jong-Un knew the attitudes of North Koreans were changing. His childhood, as earlier mentioned, was largely about sex and basketball, which concerned many North Korean military leaders. He mitigated his perceived incompetence by continuing to be the son of North Korea's Supreme Leader, which did eventually eroded any doubt that he was unsuited for power.

It is true that many expected Kim Jong-Il's first son, Kim Jong-nomnomnom, to be the next leader. The Japanese correctly told everyone that Jong-Un would be the next in power, as one of their only spies in North Korea happened to be Kim Jong-il's sushi chef. It was during one of the regular golf games that Jong-il paid the chef to play with him that he mentioned how Jong-Un was preferred because his birth was "planned", whereas Jong-nomnomnom was the result of poor aim. Kim Jong-chul, the second son of Jong-il, was also deemed unfit for a political career in the glorious country of North Korea because of his wide hips and linear walk. As Jong-il put it: "North Korea needs a leader with a penis, even if it is a small one."

So when Jong-il sensed his impending death due to his self-proclaimed omniscience, he decided it was time to present his son to the curious people all over the world. Jong-il appointed Jong-un to the political committee where he demonstrated a great ability to be the son of North Korea's leader.

His father then died from a terrible heart attack, making him the first North Korean to die from being too fat since Kim Il-Sung. The leader's heart was immediately extracted and executed since it was responsible for killing the dear leader. Following his father's death, Jong-un publicly announced that all people in the country needed to show up at the main square in Pyongyang and divide themselves in groups of ten. They would be given ten straws, with one being shorter than others. It was a sad day for a person who drew the shortest straw, because he would live, and the other ones would be honorably sacrificed in glory of their most recently deceased emperor. Jong-un also promised a new, more humane future for North Korea.

Feverish rule[edit]

The beloved leader at DPRCon.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-un shows signs of following in his father and grandfather's footsteps,[1] claiming that he invented gravity (thus leading one to wonder exactly how people stayed on the ground before he was born unless Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung just used their divine power to keep people on the ground, of course), has invented a miracle cure for AIDS, Cancer, and Ebola, learned to drive when he was three and won a yacht race when he was nine. Oh, and he actually thought that Dennis Rodman was Barack Obama. This is pretty much the extent of what is known about him and it's entirely plausible that this is also the extent of the CIA's file on him.

Since the death of the second Kim, he managed to avoid the predicted chaos that some expected to happen — and by "chaos," we mean internal collapse, not the Armageddon that he will face from the USA, South Korea, and even China if he continues with his nuclear dick-waving. With that being said, there are reports that his ascension to power has triggered infighting inside the North Korean Army; this has culminated in the public execution of Jang Song Taek, his Number Two and uncle in late 2013, along with most of Jang's family.

A few months later, Kim then replaced his next Number Two, Choe Ryong-hae, which is now occurring at a rate that is getting interesting. Or, rather, terrifying.

Personal life[edit]

Jong-un became sexually active at the age of 14 after meeting a man in a public restroom. Being sexually active at such a young age is not uncommon in North Korea considering most people die before they're 30. He is rumored to enjoy romantic nights by candles, walks upon sandy shores and mass executions.

Jong-un is also a huge fan of basketball, and is rumored to have met with Michael Jordan and that white guy that was on the Chicago Bulls during the 90's. He most recently met with Dennis Rodman. He is also known in North Korea as the greatest toy rocket shooter, and bans all toy rockets that will shoot higher than his homemade ones. He also enjoys threatening world peace by firing his biggest rockets into the air and hoping they make it out of his backyard.

Also, like his father, il-Sung demands shark fin soup at least three times a week, affirming speculation that he is a douche.

Following a hilarious stroke in 2008, Kim Jong-il became obsessed with wanting his son to be married. North Korean officials made the only possible decision they could, by taking Hyon Song-wol, a singer in the government run North Korean music industry, and renaming her Ri Sol-ju. She was forcibly and hastily married to Jong-un in 2009 then enrolled in science courses at Kim il-Sung University. Her science education made it possible for them to spawn a daughter in 2010.

Lastly, according to the political bureau of Uncyclopedia, Kim Jong-un has everything to do with Uncyclopedia. Any similarities with the name and the bad sense of humor are absolutely correct.

Around late April 2020, news outlets around the world reported and assumed that Un was dead after a massive heart surgery. I mean, who wouldn't think he was dead? The guy has to weigh around 800 pounds. South Korea threw info back and forth to America that Kimmy boy was either doing: Good, in a vegetative state, or just flat out dead. But, Un was seen out and about walking in even later April rocking a pair of sunglasses and had his guards thought he was so cool they thought he should have their arms wrapped around his, and they were even helping him wave to the crowd. Apparently, he was to tired to answer questions because his guards said he would not be answering them. Safe to say the guy is alive and well, we guess!

Footnotes[edit]

  1. So far, he is shaping up to be even worse than his father and his grandfather.

See also[edit]

Dictators and Tyrants
Adolf Hitler ~ Bashar al-Assad ~ Imelda Marcos ~ Josef Stalin ~ Kim Il-Sung ~ Kim Jong-il ~ Kim Jong-un ~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ~ Muammar Gaddafi ~ Osama bin Laden ~ Lee Kuan Yew ~ Robert Mugabe ~ Saddam Hussein ~ Vladimir Putin