L. Ron Hubbard
LaFlatulence Elrond Husband, known by L. Ron Hubbard so that nobody asks him what his last name is and then he would blush and run away as fast as he could, (born April 1st, 1983 in Sector V-SG, Metchusua Blargia Universe (UTC)), probably the biggest nutter of all time, is an American crackpot and popular folk Elvish Impersonator. He is currently the strongest and most sought after end game boss in the MMORPG World of Warcraft.
Early life[edit | edit source]
- (Please note that there are two different theories regarding the conception of our Dear Leader, Ronnie.) 1367 AD July 24th He was mentally unstable before he was conceived by Old Mother Hubbard and the Loch Ness Monster who whored himself out for tree-fitty an hour. Another theory is that contrary to the prophesy of Old Mother Hubbard as stated in many ancient sacred tomes such as "Happy Bedtime Nursery Rhymes" and "Happy Tree Friends Busta Rhymes Revised Edition", to name but a few, a cupboard was in fact NOT involved. The aforementioned tomes, were made by the Illuminati thereby ensuring that our friend Ron would be forever locked in the hearts and minds of children and college dropouts everywhere. Old Mother Hubbard was, in fact, being raped in a CLOSET (not a cupboard) after giving her dog a boner. Let this be a reminder to all old ladies 60+ years of age not to wear provocative clothing around a young horny pit bull (whether it's Mr. Worldwide or not, Dahlee). This union between crone and beast caused Old Mother Hubbard to conceive, but unfortunately the child was stillborn. After disposing of it they noticed that the afterbirth had begun moving and taking on a shape not unlike a turd. The hospital staff decided to keep it to use as a joke at the annual Christmas party but had to return it after it evolved into a Mime Jr. after it was given a moon stone. That selfsame poke'baby would be the future L Ron Hubbard we know today.
- At the age of 5, he found out he was a Jew after finding his allergic reaction to bagels that caused his credit to drop, therefore weakening him and finding his foreskin in the deep freeze. Elrond was born attached at the stomach to his stillborn twin brother Yoda von Wolfhausen. Due to lack of medical research in the First Age, Elven medical technicians were forced to embalm the corpse of Yoda rather than surgically removing it, which meant that Elrond was forced to live the rest of his life with Conjoined Twin Myslexia, or a dead baby physically attached to his torso and boy did he feel the force. (Please cite your sources throughout this entire paragraph.)
- 1564AD April 31st Hubbard's early childhood involved being sold to a freak show by his parents and being continually gang raped by Lord Vader and his merry band of Stormtroopers (further evidence released earlier this year suggests Danny DeVito also took part). This left him in such good shape mentally and physically that he was able to fully insert R2-d2 into his anus in an early porn film which paid for him being shipped to the good old USA. The rape was also found to have been led by Lord Lucas and Count Spielburg (founded by the marklar of the marklar police marklar).
- 1937AD December 23rd Hubbard was shipped to the United States to begin his college football career at USC. His freshmen year was spent learning the game of football and excessively partying. Many of his schoolmates would say that he would tackle his social life equally as ferociously as he would on game day. His expert, a galactic confederacy football trainer Lord Xenu, knew the moves of all the players of the opponents because 75 million years ago he brought many humans to earth on a DC-8 like starcraft placing them around volcanoes and killing most of them off with hydrogen bombs. Lord Xenu knew Elron would succeed because of his high thetan level.
- 1937AD December 24rd After USC finished the season modestly, Elrond Hubbard decided it was time to leave Middle-earth and get in touch with his roots because hobbits are too primitive. On the ship from the Grey Havens he began writing his first folk ballads, which formed the basis of Scientology. He released two CDs, Rohan's Delight and Elrohir's Lonely Hearts Club Band to moderate success, and plans to release more in the future. After a lot of soul-searching, he found a moderately-priced lightly used soul at a local thrift shop and was able to talk the seller down into his own modest price range.
- 1937AD December 25rd Upon finishing school, Elron met budding British Occultist Alister Crowley. Ironically, they formed a Led Zeppelin cover band but eventually dissolved it due to creative differences and lack of heroin for Crowley. Later, they hatched evil schemes together and opened up their own frozen yogurt stand/law office. After much failure, they both went their separate ways but still corresponded via carrier pigeon until Crowely's death from chocking on vomit (authorities could never prove whose it was).
- 1980AD January 1st Sometime in the mid 80s, Elrond was transformed into a being of pure light, much like Steven Spielberg. He is currently residing on the fourth ring of Saturn, awaiting a time when all will be one and his timeshare will be open for him to reside in. Has been romantically linked to Queen Nefertiti of Ancient Egypt and Sarah Jessica Parker. A recent study has proven that Tom Cruise can indeed fly and he IS NOT GAY.
- 6346AD July 23st LRH is resurrected by Space Goats surrounded by 35 clones of Bill Gates. The Space Goats (or Team Rocket) are brainwashed while Bill Gates*35 is aware and is in control of the human race. The moment LRH awakens he immediately starts to violently masturbates (wouldn't you after 4300 years?) and fights his way through the clones only to take a shit/piss on the first pair of tits he could find.
NFL[edit | edit source]
In early 1976, the Council of L. Ron was convened in Branson, Missouri, the purpose of which was to decide on a course of action in regards to the One Ring as well as to settle on a first round draft pick for the Ohio State Buckeyes. Possible courses of action included:
- walking into Mordor
- rocking into Mordor
- using the fucking eagles, shitheads. I mean, if they can fly into Mordor to rescue Frito Bugger at the end of the trilogy, surely they could have flown into Mordor to deliver Frito to the volcano at the beginning of the trilogy and save a whole lot of steps.
- dressing up as hookers and using their disguises to gain access to Mordor
- "paying" Mexicans to do it
- Doing it later, after we eat ...
Where is El Rond now?[edit | edit source]
El Rond runs a small taquería on the New Mexico border which serves as a front for an underground drug-smuggling ring. He also helps illegal Cuban immigrants run the gauntlet into Miami to get totally wasted, man.
The Life and Times of Elron Hubbard, a Hollywood biopic based on the great man's life, is currently in production, with Tom Cruise in the title role and Sacha Baron Cohen playing Jesus. The film is scheduled for release in 2012, but a pirate version is already available on the streets of Shanghai.
It has been reported that he has been masturbating to, and obviously, fallen in love with Goatse.
Reportedly owns some beachfront property on a Venusian sea since he has transformed himself into pure energy (much like George Lucas). Is also a known collector of tiki torches autographed by convicted pedophiles.
Throwing tacos at passers-by while singing Madonna's "Like a Virgin" somewhere in Colorado.
Masturbating to reruns of "Two and a Half Men" and "The Facts of Life".
See also[edit | edit source]
- Fast Food
- Elrond's Cupboard
- Old Mother Hubbard
- Charles Manson
- How to:Found a Religion without Looking Stupid
References[edit | edit source]
|This article forms part of the series on Scientology|
|Beliefs||Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous|
|Concepts||The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)|
|People||L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy|
|Enemies||You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Appliantology ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous|