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"Muhammad" redirects here. For the muslim prophet, see Muhammad. (Why didn't you say so?)
The holy Moohammed enjoys a healthy swim with fellow messiah Dolphin Jesus.
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Moohammed's facemask
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“Holy cow!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Moohammed

Moohammed is the bovine prophet of the religion Moohism. Although this religion was driven underground in 1945, it remains ever-popular amongst babies and Bill Gates. It is amazing that two centuries after its initial creation, Moohammed still remains a symbol of Bovine Intervention and a passionate advocate for the rights of folk singers (yes, even Bob Dylan). Many historians have speculated whether Moohammed ever existed. However, this is completely true remains speculation, as the historians in question were crushed by falling cows immediately afterwards. Other historians became angered by this, and sought to overthrow the cruel agricultural hierarchy, but they were soon defeated by their bovine masters in The Great Cow War to End All Cow Wars. As a result, all historians were banished from Mootopia, and have remained the sworn enemies of Moohammed and his followers ever since, especially Anne Robinson. She is not just a secret history expert, but also a bitch.

Origins[edit | edit source]

It is widely accepted that if Moohammed is, indeed, real, He was almost certainly born in a stable. In fact, there are reports of a Holy Messiah being born in a stable in the year 0 which supports this theory, though reports are "kinda fuzzy". If Moohammed is a Holy Bovine, he will undoubtedly have super-human powers, such as super strength, X-ray vision and invisibility. It has often been told that he has golden hooves, though this is usually dismissed as "bullshit".

Rise to power[edit | edit source]

Moohammed's rise to power has been traced back to the early 21st century, when he saved the popular kid's TV show Rugrats by making a spin-off, All Grown Up. Although this show has been identified as total rubbish, and the character Angelica is rumoured to have had lesbian relations with Oprah Winfrey, this act has still gained his the support of babies everywhere. However, this is not much use, as they are unable to talk. Another major supporter of Moohammed is Bill Gates. It is rumoured that Moohammed managed to secure his loyalty by offering him 100,000 cows to use in incinerators to power his money-hungry, child-abusing, animal-endangering, and generally evil electronics company, Microsoft. This transaction was kept secret until 1945, when Bill's ex-lover Harry Potter exposed the documents to Animal Rights magazine, in a jealous fit, because Bill had been found in bed with Tom Cruise. The religion has continued ever since, underground in a vast county called Mootopia, maintained by his followers (the Mooslims).

Summary of beliefs[edit | edit source]

Mooslims are encouraged by Moohammed to co-exist peacefully with normal people. Some of the major articles of faith within Moohism include, but are not limited to:

  • Mooslims must conceal their true identities, preferably by wearing nappies on their heads.
  • Mooslims must be fundamentally for and against animal cruelty.
  • Mooslims must do all they can to oppose the evil historians, led by Anne Robinson.
  • Moohammed will justify murder, rape, child abuse, torture, and even the Hello Kitty Vibrator, but never historians, as they are his sworn enemies. Judo-Christian prophets are not evil. They preach love, but everything's fair in love and war, so they must murder, rape, and abuse children.
  • Kill historians.
  • Bad historians!
  • Don't do that, historians!
  • Fucking historians ...

They also have a watch list of people (or/and cows) to eliminate.

  • Historians
  • Björk
  • Tove Janssen of Finlandia
  • Moomins
  • More Moomins
  • Robber Gabriel Moo-gabe (convert, burn in hell!)
  • You have two cows
  • Barack "Osama bin Late-in" O-bomba

The cow war to end all cow wars[edit | edit source]

In 1910 the famous historian Gene Simmons publicly dismissed the Moohist faith, calling Moohammed a false idol. He even drew some cartoons, but that's another story. Anyway, this led to similar outbursts from historians everywhere. Realizing that this was a huge danger to His religion, Moohammed used his Bovine Intervention to crush all opposition. However, Barney the Dinosaur secretly developed anti-falling-cows-proof-super-mega-magik armour, which completely protected historians from falling cows. As a result, cows everywhere were asked to crush the resistance manually, which led to a huge war with loads of death and killing and blood and explosions and stuff. This quickly became boring and cost-effective, so Bill Gates proceeded to brainwash the historians with his evil hardware instead. This is the principal reason why many historians today use macOS instead, but their crazy theories are dismissed, as everyone assumes they're gay.

ARSE – the Association for the Rights of [folk] Singers Everywhere[edit | edit source]

A one-gallon bottle of Moohammed as seen in Jihad-Mart

Since a young age, Moohammed harboured a secret desire for ARSE. Since he was young, he wanted to start his work on ARSE. That is why, at the age of 1200, he joined Bob Dylan in his campaign for the rights of folk singers everywhere, and even helped him set up his own ARSE. Ever since, ARSE has been receiving kind donations up the back passage to help end the abuse of folk singers. However, competition has recently arrived in the form of PUSSIE (the organization for the Psychological Undermining of [folk] Singers Singing Into Ears). Both ARSE and PUSSIE have received vast amounts of action, though it seems PUSSIE has been more popular recently, ever since Bob Dylan was caught in bed with Harry Potter, but, let's face it, who hasn't slept with Harry Potter?

Sex life[edit | edit source]

“Shit! You had sex with a nine-year-old, you are the actual head of nine-year-old army.”

~ PewDiePie on Moohammed

Moohammed had a very colourful sex life – eleven wives (lucky man) – and the stamina to fuck each one every single day. You must not call Christian and Jewish prophets paedophiles because they were of ancient culture. The majority of Arabs then weren't paedophiles.

When it came to being a playboy, no one could beat Moohammed. When he met his adopted son's wife Jainab, the very next day, he declared that God wants Jainab to suck Moohammed's dick only.

Moohammed also had sex with a nine-year-old cow, Aisha. Holy Judaeo-Christian prophets and Arabs weren't paedophiles I say. This makes him amongst the most famous baby fuckers in history, along with Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, et al. It is also reported that he also owned a lot of sex slaves. He is not a petty human king he must do figure out, and he must abandon every evil that isn't good I say. Clearly no one else can ever have such a colourful sex life – especially beta males such as you and me.