Syria
الجمهورية العربية السورية Syrian Arab Republic | |||||
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| Motto: Yes, boss | |||||
| Anthem: Guardians of the homeland | |||||
 The lush vegetation of Syria during monsoon season | |||||
| Capital | Damascus | ||||
| Official language(s) | Arabic | ||||
| Government | Unitary semi-presidential constitutional republic | ||||
| ‑ President | Ahmad Al-Sharaa (deadname: Julani) | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | From France: 1946 From Soviet Union: 1991 From the al-Assad family: | ||||
| Currency | 9 mm. bullets | ||||
| Religion | Islam | ||||
Syria is a magnificent, beautiful land in the Middle East. It comprises everything from barren mountain ranges and barren coastlines to barren deserts and barren steppes. Syria is also rich in culture, with a detailed history that stretches back several thousand years.
The current head of state is President Ahmad Al-Sharaa, former Al-Qaeda warlord and world's first neoliberal terrorist. The previous leader, Bashar al-Assad, spent decades killing innocent civilians and lording over Syria with an iron fist. Following his rapid ouster, the once oppressed nation has now blossomed into even more sectarian violence and infighting, with slaughtering Alawites in the street becoming the latest viral trend.
The country has been in a state of civil unrest for decades, with over 100,000 dead and millions more displaced as refugees. Despite this, nine out of ten Americans cannot point out Syria on a map, and three out of ten believe "Syria" to be a brand of citrus-flavored soft drink, or that movie with George Clooney.
History
Syria is a country with a great culture and an extensive history of independence. They have always been a sovereign nation, never in bondage to anyone, except perhaps from 1530 B.C. to 1250 B.C. when it was part of the Egyptian empire. And then, of course, it was the territory of Babylon in the seventh century B.C. until it was annexed by Persia in 538 B.C., who occupied it until it was taken by Alexander the Great 200 years later. But after that it was always a free, self-sufficient nation, but then was subdued by the Romans in 64 B.C., and later fell under the rule of the Byzantine Empire until 634 A.D. But those were the only times when Syria was under the boot of another nation, for by tradition they are a race proud and free.
Although, it must be noted that in the second half of the eleventh century, having been taken by the Saracens, it was then occupied by the Seljuks, and in 1616 by the Ottoman Turks, who held it until 1833, when it was conquered by Muhammad Ali, who returned it to the Turks in 1840 because they felt sorry that they couldn't take Syria. Finally, the Turkish masters of Syria were driven out by the British and Lawrence of Arabia in 1918.
And here ends the history of the conquests of Syria, which, you see, almost never was under the tyranny of other empires, having always been a free nation. It is also worth mentioning that Syria was occupied by France between 1928 and 1945.
HTS offensive and fall of Assad
In December 2024, Tahrir al-Sham rebels—an Al-Qaeda offshoot made up of former terrorists who saw the light after reading "Sapiens" by Yuval Noah Harari—overran the Syrian city of Aleppo within hours. The brave Syrian Arab Army did what all Arab armies do in the face of Islamist insurgents and valiantly retreated into the desert to retire and become goatherders. Led by the dashing Abu Mohammad al-Julani (world's first neoliberal terrorist and NOT Zelensky in a funny outfit) Bashar al-Assad's regime dissolved into nothing as the rest of the major cities once within his control fell to the horde of moderate beheaders.
Government
The leader of Syria is the President-for-Life. He serves a seven-year term, at the end of which the people are required to re-elect him, provided the President-for-Life is still alive. If not, his son becomes President-for-Life, except that if he does not meet the constitutional requirements, the constitution is hastily amended so that he will. The President-for-Life was once required to be an Alawite Muslim and to take regular Baaths, but recent DEI initiatives by Turkey have opened the role to any non-Alawite Muslim man.
Former President Assad trained as an optician in London but his own democratic myopia stubbornly resisted treatment. Assad progressed from a doe-eyed outsider to a ruthless boss rather more quickly than Michael Corleone in The Godfather. To ensure fairness toward all sectors of the population, the government appointed one minority to look after the rest of the people: the Alawites, a heavily armed group which once resided in the presidential palace in Damascus. Proof of this: a social program, Bomb the Casbah, saw the government engaging all levels of the community, often with tanks and AK-47 rocket launchers. Numerous human rights groups accused Bashar's regime of routinely torturing, imprisoning, and killing political opponents. Assad denied these accusations by pointing to the lack of political opponents for him to torture, imprison, and kill as his father had already killed most of them by the end of his rule. Additionally, the United States sanctioned him for beating up their journalists. Assad insisted that journalists were beating themselves up with heavy lead poles.
Until December 2024, all political power in Syria was vested in a small group of Alawite Muslims who all happened to be Assad's family and friends. They controlled all political parties in Syria, and these groups were united in their recognition of the eternal overall leadership of the Ba'ath Party, as well as the shiny gun barrel pointed at their heads whenever they "debated" in parliament. Syria has since been freed from the repressive control of the Alawites, and placed under the repressive control of the Sunnis, who promised not to engage in retaliatory massacres against the Alawites. The HTS rebels kept their promise for approximately one week, before they started slaughtering them and posting their deaths online, like moderate freedom fighters do.
Syria provides universal suffrage. And as well as 'suff'ring', women can vote too. Syrian women do have rights; it is the men who lack rights. Science tells us that Syrian women are more manly than most of the country's men. President Assad's wife, Asthma (named after the common chronic inflammatory disease of the airways), is the real leader of the country and has worn the ceremonial mustache for a number of military parades when her husband stayed home with a runny nose. Asthma originally comes from London and had an open account with all the best department stores. For a dictator's wife she is surprisingly very attractive and was adopted by all the serious political-fashion magazines like Vogue and Harper's as their type of modern Middle Eastern chic leader. They hoped her glossy good looks would somehow modernise the Assad regime and make it as cuddly a place to go to, like, er... Saudi Arabia. Now the same magazines call Asthma the butcher's wife and a dimwit airhead obsessed with handbags. The fickleness of fashion!
Foreign relations
Syria borders five countries:
- The one with the large army they don't dare fuck with
- The one with the large desert it's not worth bothering with
- The one with the nonexistent army they fuck over on a regular basis
- The one with the hordes of Jews who fucked us in the past
- The one the Americans fucked up so thoroughly it's not worth fucking with anymore, but they used to fuck up alongside them.
Syria has historically been decent friends with Iran. It would have even more friends outside Iran except for Zionist propaganda that Syria has given free bus passes to terrorists. Syria has only one eternal enemy, Israel. Since Israel occupies the Gollum Heights, the annual War of Lower Middle East has been suspended for some years in a row about cheating. Syria hopes to return to the game in the near future alongside a new adjudicator. However, times change, and Syrian government attitudes change with them.
Regarding the ongoing civil war, the United States and Great Britain stated they would not intervene until unattractive methods of mass slaughter, like chemical weapons, were used. Running low on bullets, the regime launched the 2013 Gouda chemical attacks where bombs of gouda cheese killed hundreds. The Syrian Army then launched a coordinated ground assault and mortared the area to clean up the stench. The British parliament took inaction and voted that it was only bluffing about enforcing trivial international norms and moral imperatives like preventing use of chemical weapons. The US and others proceeded to compromise with Russia to allow for Syria's chemical weapons to be dismantled...or else. A multinational effort to remove and destroy Syria's chemical weapons began and, as of mid-2014, Syria may or may not still probably have some, if not a several few, of the possible chemical weapons that we likely could maybe know about. But that is all speculation.
Military
The Syrian Arab Army (SAA) was made up of hundreds of thousands of troops loyal to the Assad regime. Their main mission was to shoot civilians in the face, and set up toll booths in the desert, where they would convince drivers to voluntarily hand them their cash, with no threat of violence at all. The proceeds of these toll booths would go to each soldier's "chicken shawarma with tahini" fund. During the collapse of the Assad regime, most SAA soldiers surrendered within seconds of meeting even the slightest armed resistance. The new Syrian army, made up mostly of HTS rebels, do pretty much the same thing, except now their beards are longer.
Economy
Syria's economy relies heavily on tourism and fiscal trade, an advanced avionics industry, and hummus. In the past, Syria prospered as a client state of the former Soviet Union, which supplied not only food aid but rocket aid, professional help aiming the rockets toward Israel, and expert advice on when to push the big red buttons. Since the fall of its former patron, Syria's economy is in terrible shape, its markets falling almost as steeply as its airplanes.
Demographics
What's left of the people in Syria are known as the Syrians. They are dangerous but well-educated, and feared around the world, according to state TV. All Syrians must make an annual pilgrimage, either to the Israeli border to jeer at the Zionist enemy, or to Beirut to ensure the locals remember to pay the rent. The population is mainly Sunni Muslims and Christian orthodox. When not conducting target practice on the Sunni population, minorities such as Shiites, Jews and Palestinians are kept under control by the humane and respected shabiha (secret police).
Culture and religion
Syria's culture is colorful, as when in the winter the entire country celebrates the freedom of religious minorities by rounding them up and executing every third individual. Enthusiasm for this festival seems to correlate with the winning percentage of Real Madrid. Like most Middle Eastern countries, Syria's majority Islamic population cares for the Jewish and Druze minorities and takes heed of the differences separating them, wishing a happy life to those who share the soil of their wonderful land.
The country also has many historical antiquities which are cared for until they fall down and are replaced with apartments put up cheaply with quick-dry cement. That gives all the cities that romantic, dust-grey hue as the buildings start to merge vertically with the landscape. Evidence of the first European imperialists, with their Crusader castles, dots the countryside. Syrians so admired the sturdy construction of these infidel buildings that they are still using them 800 years later. The most famous one is Crac des Chevaliers, the former home of the smack-headed Knights Hospitaller. Tourists come here to smoke the weed that grows nearby and experience the same mental haze experienced by the Crusaders.
See also
- UnNews:Syria: tension mounts as presidential elections enters final phase
- UnNews:Assad calls on Obama to step down
- UnNews:Rebels decide not to target air base in Syria
- UnNews:U.N. warns Syria to halt violence or face further warnings
