Cat Nation

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Cat Empire
The Paws of Righteous Harmony
The Cat Nation
Catflag-old.JPG Arms.JPG
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Hang in there, baby!"
Anthem: "The Year of the Cat"
Red is Cat Nation territory, green is planned areas to capture.
CapitalCatrock (undiscovered by man)
Largest cityCatrock (same place above)
Official language(s)Cat Language
GovernmentBenevolent Autocracy
AutocratorMeow Tse-Tung
National Hero(es)Meow Tse-Tung
 of Independence
Unrecognized; declared "illegitimate nuisance" by the United Nations.
Currencyyummy stuff

The Cat Nation (formally known as the Paws of Righteous Harmony) is (disputably) a nation that is mainly in Southeast Asia. The border is a big red block if you look from the map.

History[edit | edit source]

The Cat Nation began, under its formal name, in 1961, as a small group of feline revolutionaries protesting the widespread de-sexing of male cats. This cause is thought by several prominent psychologists to have contributed to the extremely sexist, male-centred culture we see amongst the Nation today.

The leader, known by Paco Tacoyummy, was young radical, himself traumatised by the de-sexing treatment. Many at the time expected that the Paws of Righteous Harmony were merely a somewhat comical spinoff stemming from the widespread counter-cultural tendencies of the time, and would soon peter out. However, it was not to be.

The Paws of Righteous Harmony distinguished themselves by their unique combination of feline sneakiness and violent retribution on perceived enemies. The sheer efficiency of their terrorist operations, especially given the lack of soldiers with opposable thumbs, attracted the attention of communist spies, and in early 1965 the Paws received disproportionately massive subsidies in Sovbloc money.

Most dear to the young cats' hearts, however, they allegedly received a shipment of highly illegal (and theoretically impossible) "re-sexing pills" from the People's Republic of China, eerily foreshadowing the Cat Nation's unethical use of chemical treatments and gene therapy to further their goals. The side effects, reported to be an horrific product of the pills' original use in interrogative situations, are thought to be the root of many of the more radical elements of the group. Most provable, however, is that as a demonstration of sheer gratitude, "Fluff" abandoned his slave name, and became "Meow Tse-Tung", and since this event, Cat Nation citizens traditionally adopt (often nonsensical) surnames in Mandarin Chinese.

On September 22, 1965, the Paws of Righteous Harmony first declared their independence to the United Nations. It was also on this day that they were first to be denied this claim and, in what has become something of an annual event, it was on this day that Meow Tse-Tung first threatened the capital cities of the world with the "newly built" Moon Cannon.

While certainly not uneventful, the intervening years largely followed a pattern of demands, threats, denials, further demands, petty squabbles, minor terrorism and unprosecutable acts of guerilla warfare.

The only non-violent/legal event of interest occurred on September 22, 2001, when Meow Tse-Tung halted his annual "Destruction of the Capitals" speech to offer condolences towards the United States for the events of 9/11. However, he promptly retracted that statement and offered sanctuary to any terrorists involved when it became clear that the US would not be offering control of Afghanistan in exchange for his support.

Currently, they are in a "cold war" against fellow kitten kin Kittenolivia and an intergalactic war against the Dog Star, their dreaded enemies the Dog must be destroyed. Those butt-smelling, self-licking, toilet-water-drinking overgrown rats.

The few other notable exceptions to this unfortunate continuity are noted below in the "international scandals" section.

Areas currently claimed by the Cat Nation. Areas currently threatened with demolition targeted in red.

Geography[edit | edit source]

The Cat Nation's geography is something of a diplomatic sore point. As the majority of the Earth's surface has already been claimed by various nations, the Cat Nation's claimed territory overlaps that of "official" countries somewhat. It must also be kept in mind that a great deal of the frustration relating to their claims is a result of their policy of allying with the US when war breaks out in order to claim conquered territory.

With that said, the Cat Nation has long had to find a way around ridicule regarding its claim that its capital city is a strategic base on the moon. Ironically, this is perhaps the Cat Nation's least disputed territory.

Official demographics

Demographics[edit | edit source]

The Cat Nation claims a population of some 2,900,000,000, scattered throughout the world. However, the fact that they are scattered means that very few are able to respond to the census presented to the United Nations. Specifically, 8,070,000.

Due to the Cat Nations policy of encouraging breeding (as per the It's Not Rape If She Has Your Children Act 1984), determining any sort of estimates as to breed would be impossible.

Approximately 60% of the population were under 4 years of age; 10% were 4–7, 18% were 8–10, and 12% were older than 10.

Median income is alleged to be $400 per year in the form of dried cat food provided by owners. This caused Meow Tse-Tung, in an unusual display of ebonics, to claim that "It's the White Man's yoke that keeps the cat brothah down. He don't even pay us in money, he gives us food so we don't starve, but won't give us money so we can emancipate ourselves." However, due to official policies regarding the recording of transactions, it is unlikely that these estimates have any relation to the truth.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Main article: Cat-tholic Church

People (Cats?)[edit | edit source]

Cat Nation cats differ from their ignorant brethren by their generally surly demeanor, tendency to refer to their owner as "the white man", and by the ubiquitous habit of attempting to get their owner addicted to cat cocaine. Woe betide any owner whose cat actually uses the stuff. Seriously, it's not so cute when you have to use the last band-aid in the house because Sweety thought it would be fun to clamber up your back, claws out.

Why Jib is offended (a.k.a. Jib's secret lodge)[edit | edit source]

His home is about to be captured, and now he sets off. He is invading cat nation with some allies and a warning sign.(But,before, he got the power of mutation. he kills as much as he can(With the tentacle claw) His arm sometimes transforms into the powerful tentacle. His kill count:750,000

Politics[edit | edit source]

The Cat Nation describes itself as a "benevolent autocracy" (the rest of the world says describes this as "half right"). It is ruled by the Autocrator (supreme, eternal monarch for life) Meow Tse-Tung, and his delegation of ministers. Its political stance varies between hard-right, hard-left, and just plain treacherous, depending on who they want to recognise their nationhood.

Leadership[edit | edit source]

Since 1965 the Cat Nation has looked to its Autocrator, Meow Tse-Tung, for guidance. This eloquent and potent cat is reputed to be the sole source of policy for the Cat Nation, a bulwark of strength contrasting with the weak vicissitudes of democracy. It is a credit to his devotion to his country, or perhaps to the Cat Nation's avant garde approach to genetic engineering, that he has survived some 43 years beyond his expected lifespan, and a credit to the patience of diplomats worldwide that he has suffered no serious injuries in this time.

His entire life is dedicated to the furtherance of feline goals, and his spare time is spent plotting Cat Nations policies and taping sexual encounters with the daughters of diplomats for use as blackmail.

A "photograph" of the moon city

International scandals[edit | edit source]

Throughout its short history, the Cat Nation has been the centre of a number of international scandals. While many point the blame at the insensitive political stances, unreasonable demands, and conflicting treaties made by the Cat Nation, Meow Tse-Tung continues to claim all of the events below were motivated purely by racism.

King Meow Tse-Tung

Capital city controversy[edit | edit source]

Despite a constant stream of photographic and video evidence to the contrary, the Cat Nation has, since 1965, claimed as its capital Catrock, a moon outpost/metropolis.

Complicating matters, the Cat Nation continues to claim that Catrock is built around Cathammer mk. V, a "super-cannon", and often punctuates its demands with threats to the major capital cities of the world. Interestingly, the exact mechanics of the super-cannon, while they have been released, tend to change when genuine scientific inquiry reveals them to be inoperable.

However, it is of course possible that such an outpost has been built. The Cat Nation has offered constant rebuttals to doubts about the reality of Catrock, although these too have changed with time. For example, in the late 1960s Meow Tse-Tung was frequently heard to reply to hecklers, "Why don't you go up there and find out for yourself?" which promptly ended when someone really did. Of course, doubts have been raised about the authenticity of the Moon Landings, and even the least credible of these doubts is usually aired in Cat Nation propaganda as soon as it comes about (or vice versa).

Flag controversy[edit | edit source]

In 1965, when the Cat Nation first declared independence, Meow Tse-Tung presided over a flag-raising ceremony dinner. Unfortunately for the young nation, the flag that was unveiled was this one.

Needless to say ... it didn't go so well.

The cats, in revealing this flag, offended virtually every group in the United Nations. Former Allied nations thought that the flag was an attempt to claim credit for the defeat of the Nazis, while Jewish groups believed that the flag represented a blatant threat to them. Furthermore, many resented the presence of the Cat Nation's allegedly fictional moon-cannon on the flag, and found the inscription to be unduly threatening.

The universal anger against the Cat Nation's choice to represent itself with this flag has continued to today.

Cat cocaine controversy[edit | edit source]

Main article: Cat Cocaine

It has been alleged numerous times since 1983 that not only is the Cat Nation cheaply and willingly supplying cat cocaine to drug traffickers around the world, but that doing so is virtually the entire basis of their economy. Having land on which to engage in legal forms of wealth production, it is quite likely that the Cat Nation are financing their dubious nationalism by illegally converting fetuses into cat cocaine, and they have indeed been the first entity officially branded a "cool nation" in recorded history. However, in addition to denying that allegation, Cat Nation spokescats have responded that – lacking opposable thumbs – they could not possibly accomplish the theft of any fetuses without a massive base of human support to protect them from the laws of the host nation, or indeed to force change to any laws that might result in their prosecution. Obviously, no such group exists.

Korean controversy[edit | edit source]

According to a leaked North Koreann report, from 1970 to 1976 the Cat Nation pursued a relationship with North Korea, and – upon signing a treaty agreeing that South Korea had no right to exist independently – the Cat Nation found a supporter in its fight for nationhood. It was not to last, however, as North Korean diplomats soon found a clause in the treaty claiming all land below the 38th parallel as territory of Cat Nation. In its defence, the Cat Nation pointed out that it rarely honoured treaties anyway.

These allegations resurfaced as the Cat Nation was attempting to initiate a similar alliance with Taiwan, and is possibly responsible for the breakdown of negotiations. In all fairness, despite official estimates to the contrary, the Cat Nation obviously lacks the necessary population to colonise mainland China.

Homophobia controversy[edit | edit source]

In 1997 British gay rights group OUTrage took offense at a number of comments made by Meow Tse-Tung (too many to list here). Unfortunately for all involved, they proceeded to take their complaints to the newly elected Prime Minister of Britain, Tony Blair. Mr. Blair then mentioned these complaints in his annual "Cat Nation independence rebuttal" speech.

Showing his characteristic feline dignity, Meow Tse-Tung interrupted the speech to accuse Mr. Blair of being "the love slave of licentious Hollywood bugger-men", and proceeded in a ten-minute monologue accusing the Prime Minister of having sexual relations with a number of famous gay rights figures, in graphic detail (since this day, hand gestures have been banned from the United Nations). Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of the controversy.

At the time, it was OUTrage's standard practice to accuse its more volatile opponents of being gay themselves, and soon picket signs, bumper stickers and T-shirts with the slogan "Come out, Meow Tse-Tung!" were everywhere the Cat Nation had influence. The Cat Nation refused to let this insult slide, and, to the dismay of all, the indomitable Autocrator interrupted the next United Nations convention to present video evidence of his heterosexuality, starring the daughter of the President of Togo. All present were forced to seek counselling, and the President himself is said to have never recovered, which is unsurprising given that Meow Tse-Tung has to this day found novel ways to display photographs of the event prominently in the President's view on his birthdays and other special occasions (Most notably sending a large cake with a perfect rendering of a more obscene still made in the icing).

Since the event, none, including and especially OUTrage, have ever confronted the Cat Nation on policies regarding sexuality. Even today, historians wishing to view footage of the proceedings may only do so in Sweden. To his credit, Meow Tse-Tung has attributed the reaction to the event to envy.

A cat on catnip!

Catnip[edit | edit source]

Catnip is an illegal drug in the Cat Nation. Its effects on kitties is bad. Catnip makes kitties go crazy and attack stuff. The cat nation has a big problem with catnip trafficking into the borders. Though it is illegal there, about 2/3 of the cat population uses catnip. "It's not that big a deal," says Meow Tse-Tung (the leader of the Cat Nation). "Personally I think it's good stuff!"

Common names for catnip:

  • Catnip
  • Nip
  • Kitty Krak
  • CC
  • Da goods
  • Yumgrass
  • Kat hype

The United States of America vs. The Cat Nation[edit | edit source]

As has become their habit, the Cat Nation interrupted the 2000 Olympic games in Sydney, its athletes marching in poor formation, carrying the flag of the Cat Nation and banners naming certain athletes as homosexuals and deriding their lack of masculine energy. The Penguin Empire was there killin' cats.

The Australian Federal Police promptly escorted these "athletes" from the stadium, hospitalising a number of the cats when they collapsed from the exertion. Consequently, SOCOG phone lines were flooded with bomb threats made in unconvincing Russian accents. The Australian Government decided this to be the last straw and began an operation to round up all involved.

However, Meow Tse-Tung and his cohort had left the country long before, and were hiding in the United States. The Australian Government soon demanded the extradition of all Cat Nation activists involved in the bomb hoax, and the US gleefully complied. Before many could escape, they were placed in police custody and flown to Australia. Meow Tse-Tung himself was caught driving towards the border of Mexico with nothing but a copy of Eurythmics "1984 – For the Love of Big Brother" and 12 kilos of cat cocaine in the boot of a stolen 1969 Impala.

Before he could be detained, he managed to claw three officers, and break the ribs of a fourth with a shovel-hook, before being tackled to the ground, dragged towards a van by four officers, leaping free, brutally maul a fifth officer, and sprint the rest of the distance to Mexico. Officers involved were reportedly amazed at the "un-natural strength" of the diminutive Autocrator. Conspiracy theorists point out the incident as evidence of the Cat Nation's surreal and unethical use of genetic engineering, while Meow Tse-Tung attributed it to his intense masculinity.

As a result of this debacle, Meow Tse-Tung spitefully changed the Cat Nation anthem to "The Sand Spangled Banner", almost identical to America's National anthem, save for the replacement of all references to America with cat-related verses, and a slight, mildly offensive change in title.

American lawyers immediately petitioned the United Nations to begin legal proceedings for plagiarism, and threatened to end all negotiations with the Cat Nation. Meow Tse-Tung replied by threatening to bombard Washington from the Moon, and, defying all human knowledge of cat anatomy, delivered the first middle-claw in recorded history.

Before legal proceedings could begin, however, it was pointed out that, in order to initiate legal proceedings against the Cat Nation, it would be necessary to grant them independent status. The US quickly realised that this was yet another plot to attain nationhood, and abandoned its legal battlefront in 2001. Meow Tse-Tung has made no statement regarding this, but it is of note that the summer of 2001 marked the largest epidemic of cat cocaine addiction in the history of the United States.

Notable achievements[edit | edit source]

Many have said that the Cat Nation offers little to the world community, and have contributed nothing to the universal pool of knowledge. The author would suggest ignoring those people.

Literature and Science have been traditional areas of (official) excellence amongst Cat Nation citizens, although many would consider adding espionage to this list.

The Cat Nation's publishing industry has come a long way from its beginning poorly translating communist texts by fitting the word cat in wherever possible (for examples, see "The Communist Cattifesto" and "Nineteen Catty-Four"). Now, Cat Nation authors publish treatises on tactics at a rate comparable to the production of low-grade romance novels, many of which show understanding of concepts that Machiavelli or Sun Tzu could barely grasp. It has become one of the great pre-occupations of developed nations and their intelligence agencies to have these works translated, but unfortunately, almost all literate cats learnt their letters in Cat Nation indoctrination camps.

However, it is in the Sciences that the Cat Nation is truly ahead of the world. This is not to say that they excel in the field, but they certainly reap the benefits of decades of research uninhibited by laws or common ethics. Many believe that China's current stock of nerve-damaging, mind-altering interrogation drugs allegedly being used on dissidents were a "repayment" for the stock of re-sexing pills of the 1960s. Many also believe that the Cat Nation merely passed on rejected stock. Given their extensive, proven use of mind-bending chemical weapons possessed of side effects well in excess of the Chinese interrogation drugs, the criteria for rejection probably didn't involve issues of cruelty.

Genetic engineering is also rife amongst the Cat Nation. Since their founding was essentially the result of changes to their body made by Chinese chemicals, it is unsurprising that the Cat Nation has consistently altered their physical bodies in order to further their quest towards independence. While evidence is hardly lacking, the most obvious example is the reputed "ox-like" strength of Meow Tse-Tung, Autocrator and 45-year-old cat, exhibited many times in the face of danger (real or perceived), not to mention his eloquence, libido, and frequent use of expressively grotesque paw-gestures.

See also[edit | edit source]