Spanish invasion of everywhere
~ ABBA on King Fernando“King Fernando, son of Mr and Mrs Fernando. Not to be confused with Franz Ferdinand.”
~ Gandalf on Knowing the differance between King Fernando and Franz Ferdiand“I do conclude that this mand may be mentaly deficiant..”
~ Oscar Wilde on King Fernando
- 1 The beginning
- 2 Pre war Buildup
- 3 The War begins
- 4 Journey(dont stop believing) to Feyenoord
- 5 The Actual War Begins Now
- 6 List of those who died in the war
- 7 The second attempt at war
- 8 Some Shooting and war happens
- 9 The Battle for the playing fields
- 10 Celebration
- 11 Invasions today
- 12 tributes to the fallen
King and part time Formula 1 driver fernando Alonso A.K.A. "that spanish bloke in that fucking horrible jumper" decided that the great nation of Spain needed a good fight with someone over land and since Germany is quite scary he chose what is now mexico, The Chumbawumba peninsula (famed for its tubthumping). But as Spain didn't really have an army and no friends he stopped the Annual "Push a donkey off the tower celebration" to raised the funds. Spain's Navy at the time was no more than a motability equpped Volkswagen Transporter van. So King Fernando with the help of Tulloch Homes Dingwall built a Navy the likes of which had never been seen. Mainly as it wasn't built yet.
8 days later King fernando had a Navy of over 9000 warships and life rafts, and now needed a name for his superfantastic waterboy's. So the "Council of the elders and Aston Martin owners club" had a naiming party. So after several hours, 96 litres of sherry quaffed, great sides of ham masticated and Portuguese enslaved they ran up a list of names.
- King Fernando's flotilla
- Tortilla terrorists.
- Las Aqua guerra Con y las ketchup tambien bailar grupos.
- Spanish FA
- FC Barcelona
- Covornia - Cough medicine with clout!
The "Council of the elders and Aston Martin owners club" came up with 2 final names from a possible list of 2.
To celebrate he took his new Army on a Bombing raid of Feyenoord claiming "are you mad! Amsterdam!! people would have cared!". Nobody was hurt in the raids as they didn't have bombs(Haliburton were on the case though) or even know where Feyenoord is. Due to several fatalities during the raids numbers fell by 11 so by royal decree King fernando made the starting 11 from Real Madrid join up.
Pre war Buildup
Commentry was provided by Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker both men said "this will be a fantastic match with lots of goals and crowd trouble. Arsene Wenger the Namibian dictator was also on hand to scout players for his army.
Sympathy for the war effor was drying up as, to quote a local "not much was happening really" So ever the Wiley Pragmatist King Fernando hired Ludacris, the famed Welsh Propagandist. He said "I aint watchin' no foo' besmirch the goo' name of terrorism while im in charge of shit!". This terriyfing burst of Ebonics whipped up much frenzy about the impending war. Experts on history and goings on in the world say this is just because he was carrying a gun.
The War begins
At the Spanish Military harbour town Dunfermline King Fernando gave a rousing speach, transcripts of this claim he said " THIS....IS ESPANYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" and "lets make this moment last, the night is young" this was later covered by Molko sometime in 1998, and finaly " Never gonna' give you up, never gonna' let you down, never gonna' run around and desert you". King Fernando performed this to a carefully choreographed dance routine leading some to suspect that King fernando was gay. Ludacris was providing crowd control. Once the men and women of the Groove Armada realised that King fernando had finaly shut the fuck up, a rousing cheer of "Que?" went up. So King fernando and his Groove Armada set sail for Feyenoord again. King Fernando cites the reason as "I just can't spell the name". King fernando said the war had to be won buy Tuesday as he had a Formula 1 race he had to take part in.he later forgot.
Journey(dont stop believing) to Feyenoord
As the Groove Armada set sail for the crack den known as feyenoord morale fell as Tulloch Homes of Dingwall forgot to add the power steering pumps and this made handling the '"big bastard boats" as Ludacris put it, a nightmare. So once again King Fernando came to the rescue. He put his "invading mix playlist" from his Ipod on that included such mega hits as-
- Wheels on the bus.
- Old macdonald had a farm.
- Mary had a little lamb (hardcore mix 2006).
- Entrails roasted on gas mark 4.
- Boys of summer.
- Uptown girl
- Beautiful day (This kept skipping due to a partialy corrupted MP3 file and the fact U2 are shit.
- Spice up your life.
- Every song from ken Dodds Album "Dodd they know its christmas time at all" including "Dodd ya think im sexy","Dodd ya want me baby","safety Dodds","Oops I Dodd it again" and the excellent "Iv'e Dodd a brand new combine harvaster".
Wheels on the bus got Ludacris so excited he was semi erect by 1 minuite 3 seconds.
However, after the scenes of joviality were over King Fernando noticed something strange. rain. During the cource of the night the Spanish invasion force were buffeted by winds of over 9000 miles and hour.This happened during the Summer of 69. This blew the fleet off cource.
The Actual War Begins Now
After day 72 in the Big Brother house King Fernando and his general Antonio Banderas saw land. King fernando is quoted to have said "Holy fuck! we actually found Feyenoord". Antonio Banderas is quoted to have replied "Well duh! is there anywhere else in the world" he said this completely neglecting the fact he is from Malta. It was true they found
feyenoord Britain, this was his first mistake. As the British army under the command of Lord Nelson Mandela were enjoying a day out at the beach and saw the Spanish coming, this allowed the brits to mobilise the RNLI (really non life threatening infantry) and the Navy. The British assembled in a line and sang "We shall not we shall not be moved, we shall not we shall not be moved". To this King Fernando thought "shite, this aint Feyenoord!" and ordered Ludacris to "Bust some propaganda on their asses". To which he did.
Ludacris jumped up into the crows nest of the ship "HMS Pretty fucking hard" and gave a rousing speach consisting off "Move bitch get out the way, get out the way bitch, get out the way. OH NO! The fight's out, I'ma 'bout to punch yo...lights out. Get the FUCK back, guard ya grill There's somethin' wrong, we can't stay still I've been drankin' and bustin' two and I been thankin' of bustin' you Upside ya motherfuckin' forehead".
Lord nelson Mandela just replied "whos this guy?" and told his troops "I don't care what you do from now till the end of this war just shoot that fucking idiot". Somehow Ludacris heard this and started shooting and thus started the "Battle Of Trafalgar square". The battle raged for a whole 17 minuites and by the end of it everyone was tired and wanted their beds. No one was hurt and over 9000 lay dead. the Spanish were defeated. King fernando said to Antonio Banderas "Who were those guys!". Nobody seemed to notice that Ludacris was dead. he was struck in the face by a copy of the Bible he kept on board the HMS pretty fucking hard.
Lord Nelson Mandela is quoted to have said "Well, whoever they were...they are awfully rude! Come on chaps back to the beach."
On the sail home King fernando was depressed about how the british pumped them at war. So he put on his "Lost a war" playlist from his ipod and swore to captain banderas "one day i will beat a small defenseless nation in a fight, and i WILL feel like a big man".
List of those who died in the war
- Mario and luigi
- Alan hanson
- The man with body odour from Grogans pub
- Maximo Park
- Dianna Vickers (The cute one from X Factor)
- Everybody from Elgin.
- Joy Divison
- The cast of Desperate Housewifes
- Steven Hawking
- The inventor of etch a sketch.
And many other people who dont really deserve a mention.
The second attempt at war
One of the reasons Spain lost was due to the shoddy work done by Tulloch Homes of Dingwall on constructing the Groove Armada, this time King fernando bullied Albyn housing into making a new "Navy" for him this time he went with "Armada Van helden" as he concluded that "Holland just didn't exist" and that "Groove Armada" was cursed. The "Groove" in that armada was at a premium.
King Fernando hired feared cage fighter John McCain to lead the propaganda after he finaly realised that Ludacris had died in battle. Official sources say that Ludacris was killed by "The Power of loooove, a force from aboooooove" the bible still claims the kill.
6 Days after John McCain's appointment as Propaganda captain he kicked the bucket due to old age. King Fernando's speach at his funeral "Seeing the American Civil War and the Pilgrims landing at Fraggle Rock aint bad innings, to be honest i don't know why i gave him the job....I think it was because i found the fact he shits himself hilarious". The BBC (British Bum Chums) suspended King Fernando from broadcasting untill January next year as they say that "No matter how funny this was some sad bastards moan at everything. King Fernando's response was "aaah fuck the BBC what do they know!".
One very drunken night King Fernando and general Antonio Banderas spotted a new place on the map and King Fernando exclaimed "Holy fucking shit man! this place is like amazing and looks like we could win!!......wana start a war?" and so it was. The next day around 10am King Fernando and his 10 million strong Armada Van Helden set off for the Chumbawumba peninsula. King Fernando is quoted as saying "The sight of all our boats and shit reminds me of the million man march....the only differance is people care about this".
Sometime later the Armada Van Helden arrived just off the coast of Chumbawumba. Nothing happened. Until the Chumbawumbians mounted a pre emtive strike against the Spanish by catapulting their Women and George Bush at the fleet. None of the "ammo" hit their targets. King Fernando was feeling nonchelant about the whole affair and decided to show this by firing up his ipod and playing his "Gloating mix playlist" specifically Can't touch this. He played this through the tannoy on repeat for 12 hours. Little known to the Spanish but this really pissed off the natives as the Chumbawumba Capital city is "MC Hammersmith" and the National Anthem is Can't touch this. The Chumbawumban Leader 70's Disco star Patrick Hernandez retroted with a Marvin Gaye meddly knowing full well that King Fernando couldn't stand him and became incandecent with rage anytime Marvin Gaye is mentioned. Patrick Hernandez plan worked a treat as at 3am just as the first overly sexualised bars of sexual healing began wafting through the air King Fernando stormed up to the bridge in his greying underpants and not much else absolutely livid with rage at this blatant piss take bellowing "WHY WOULD THAT DISCO DANCING FREAK DO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS"(what a carthatic moment this must have been for Patrick hernandez). So true to form King Fernando broke out the ipod and blasted his "Iv'e been besmerched" playlist and whacked up Run DMC's tricky. This Just angered Patrick Hernandez even more as Run DMC are the ruling political party of Chumbawumba and pumped up sexual healing to epic levels. King Fernando in turn done the same. Sizemologists claim that each army was producing over 9000 decibels each, enough some that even the ageing battleship USS John McCain would hear it. This audiobullying lasted 9 weeks, by this time men on both sides had died. Doctors claim it was because of epic noise death. Both King fernando and commander in chief Patrick Hernandez deny this claiming the died as they were "to sexy for their shirts".
Some Shooting and war happens
10 and a half weeks after the fighting began King Fernando and capatin Antonio Banderas were watching Star Wars and decieded to call the Chumbawumban embassy to tell Patrick hernandez "Arn't you a little short to be a storm trooper". The Spanish found this hilarious,it moderatly amused everyone else.
Patrick hernandez and his second in command Phil Collins used redial and retorted "you wont win this war cos MAH BODIES TO BOOTYLIIOUS FOR YA BAAABE!". Sources says that both men proceedd to gyrate in a vaguely sexualway.
After this King Fernando decided the time was right to actually do some man stuff and fight. Hence in the early hours of last Tuesday King fernandos troops invaded the Chumbawumban fishing town of Hollyoaks. they met with no resistance bar 12 neds who only wanted a hug. King fernando shot them all dead,no one was hurt.
Exactly 1 week later King fernando's army had encircled the capital city "MC hammersmith" after totaly fucking up the citys of "Kettering town","England",Inverness and Pyongyang. Commander Patrick hernandez was quoted as saying "we're fucked" and "what have I, what have I what have I done to deserve this". The last quote was later used by the Pet Shop Boys as one of their
many only number 1.
King fernandos troops then began bombing the shit out of MC Hammersmith and eventually made it as far into the city as they could, this was later found out to be the city center. General Antonio Banderas is quoted as saying "wow!.....we done some serious damage!". No one was alive. The remainder of Patrick hernandez' forces were gathered on the sports pitch up the hill just along from jacks bait shop. Once King Fernando found this out he cried "TO THE BOOK DEPOSITORY!!". Field Marshall Antonio Banderas says he came out with this as he was slowly succumbing to the ravages of Chlamydia and his repressed rage over Marvin Gaye. Corporal Antonio Banderas assumed control of the Spanish army. he directed his Armada Van helden to "Bomb 7 shades of shit outta' those playin' fields". They did as they were told.
The Battle for the playing fields
As The Armada Van helden began to bomb the playing fields Flight Seargent Patrick Hernandez noticed that his people AKA the Savages which were re branded mexicans or to be politically correct " The Hygenicly challenged" were a bit "Explodey" in the rain. that's the moment he realised it wasn't rain he yelled "This isn't Normal rain! its some kind of crazy exploding rain!". Eventually he realised that his troops were under attack and by the time he had organised a proper
party defense over 9000 of Admiral Antonio Banderas troops were assembled at the bottomb of the hill. They Rushed up and beat the crap out of lance Corporal Patrick hernandez with a bat and some limited edition Bryan Adams ipod's. He later died in the back of a Volkswagen beetle from his injuires. The war was over. King Fernando had won.
back home in Spain people were exstatic about the news as finally the could have their "Annual push a donkey off a tower" festival back.
During his speach the slowly decreasing mental health of King fernando was apparent as he said.
Spain's Invasions today involved 11 men in matching shorts and T-shirt and take placed every 4 years in a set location. Until 2008 these had gone very badly as Spain never won. Spain's army today is run by General Fernando Torres and Grandmaster rafa benitez.
tributes to the fallen
- Ludacris has a toothpaste named in honour of him called "Ludacrest".
- King Fernando is honoured every year in Fejenoord by the annual "Hunt the Spaniard" games held every July.
- Lord Nelson Mandela has a column in The Sun newspaper. it can be Viewed in Trafalgar square everyday. its called Nelsons Column.
- Dianna Vickers is being honoured this year as a Lookalike has been entered into the X Factor to roast everyone as the lookalike is actualy quite good.
- A list of Ludacris's Speaches has been made available on CD to comemorate this great public speaker. it is called "Word Of Mouf".
- King Fernando's playlists have been made available for download on itunes.
- The massive man eating Canibal mammal found during the war has been renamed Rosie O'Donnel. In honour of the war or something.
- Neyo is set go get release more shite music in honour of King Fernando.
- The City of new York is set to execute Ne yo just because. Some say its because he cant talk e.g. independant is NOT said Indeeepeendeeee or Andy pandy