“Your only friends are make-believe.”
“A friend with weed is a friend indeed.”
The term "friend" refers to the subset of one's acquaintances to whom the friend criteria apply. Friend criteria vary from individual to individual and are by no means universal within a given demographic group. The consequences of membership of the friend set (also known as friendship bonuses) also vary.
Non Human Friends
Participants in the Human Race, are on a never ending search for people and objects, who match up with their unique friend criteria. A friend can be a guy, a girl, a pet, your mom, a rock, a hard potato that acts like a rock, or an imaginary being. Since the dawn of time people have been making friends with anything they could find. (See also; desperation)
The first non human friend Man ever made, was the wolf. The domestication of the wolf is a perfect example of a "give and take relationship". One side does nothing but give, while the other takes his rights, freedoms, and home away. This is similar to the Man-God. or Even Goat relationship. See also Crust.
Man kept the wolf as a pet and forced him to breed with his own canine cousins in order to create what we now know as the Labrador. Once the perfect cookie cutter puppy clones were created Man betrayed the wolf and chased him away from his home land. Today wolves continue living under oppression in human society but it's guesstimated by 2020 they'll meet up with the dinosaurs in furry heaven. Most high school friendships are also of the give and take variety. Although they rarely involve forced incest, rare cases do exist. Less documented of course are the wonderfully delightful and fully enjoyable cases of consensual incest, one of the most beloved past times of Earth's 21st century cultures.
Friendship Criteria is the very essence of that which a certain individual searches for in a friend and what is expected of a friend. Friendship criteria can be simple things. For example, someone might want a friend who will listen to them talk for hours, or a friend who shares their ideals and opinions on blogging, or someone who is just fun to hang out with. Criteria may also include such things as a friend who has lots of money, a cool car, a flat screen TV, or a hot sister/goat.
People are often hurt when their friend acts outside the boundaries of their own friendship criteria, and they fail to realize that behind every friend is a human being with their own thoughts, opinions, emotions, and friendship criteria (unless the friend is imaginary or your mom/goat).
Common Questions to Verify Friendship Criteria
- Would I trust this person with money/intimate details about my relationship with goats??
- Does this person class me as a "friend" or a potential goat?
- Has this person's behavior indicated sincerity or willingness to part with their goat?
- Would I dive in front of a flying bullet yelling noooooo for this person or their goat?
- If I was drowning, would this person attempt to save me, or beat me under for what I did to his goat?
- Is this person likely to lend me money/their goat?
- Does this person have an attractive spouse/goat?
- Can this person play the drums or lure any goat-like animal?
- Did I sleep with this person or his goat last night?
- Were they any good?
- Is this person <insert name here>?
- Does this person have a rich father/goat?
- Is this person white and nerdy (an equal to you) or an anti goat-love fanatic?
- Is this person on Facebook/Goatbook?
- Is this person on Twitter, Myspace, Goater or MyGoat?
- Did this person/goat add my MSN?
- Does this person lie compulsively in a humorous manner?
- Does this person have a ready supply of weed/goat?
- Is the person's attractive sister/goat at all interested in him/her?
- Does this person have over 5,000 comments on MySpace/MyGoat?
- Is this person more intelligent than me/my goat?
- Does this person know or have connections to Bill Gates or anyone who works for Microsoft/a goat farm?
- Does this person own a puppy/goat?
- Does this person eat goats/kittens?
- Does this friend enjoy spending time with me and/or my goat?
- Does this person have a goat?
As much as we'd like to think that most people have our best interests at heart, they usually don't. There are totally selfless people out there like Mother Theresa, Gandhi, the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean, but studies show that 89% of all possible friends have alternative motives. Such motives are usually relating to either sexual pleasure or monetary gain when choosing friends. Things that may make people want to hang out with us, or that we can gain from a friend are known as "Friendship Bonuses" and are not always the focus of our friend's attentions (though they usually are).
Popular friendship bonuses include but are not limited to:
- Lending of money/goats
- Access to the loins of an attractive spouse/goat
- Only being kicked in the face when one really deserves it, for example after some youthful goat-related mishap
- "Mates' Rates" at place of work
- Sex (Gay/Straight/goat)
- A painless death
- Free meat if you are fucked in the zombie apocalypse.
- 3500 EXP points and/or up to 8 gold coins
- Sleeping with attractive sibling(s)/goat(s)
- Getting drunk, possibly leading to a memorable goaty experience
- Sharing emotions/goats
- Sharing underwear/Goats
- Sharing drugs/goats on drugs
- Sharing pie/goat pie
- Borrowing Harry potter and the Philosophers stone/ Garry Gotter and the Goats stone
- Having a baby sitter for your goats
Let's just be friends
"Let's just be friends," has been a popular excuse to not date someone since the early 1800s. It is generally used by females though a man will occasionally say it. Scientists and theologists are still pondering it's meaning when used by non-hetero guys, but thanks to a recent study in the female language, we have been able to roughly translate it from girl speak to plain English.
Let's just be friends; "Well, I'm really hot, and you're just not as hot as me. So I want to keep you around for a while so I can torture you with all the stories of the men who are hotter than you that I sleep with. But I still love you, just not in the way you love me. But I would get you high, so I could sleep with you then deny it."
The same research tends to prove that straight guys who say the 4 magic words really are trying to tell girls: "You are so ugly I would never ... EVER ... sleep with you." Meanwhile German scientist claim this is not entirely false, but would be more accurately translated into: "I doubt even my dog would hump you... Boogie down!"
Friends are people who hang out with you because you're half-way decent.