The Wolf, also known as the Grey Wolf, Gray Wolf, Gey Wolf, Gay Wolf, Wolfenstein, or occasionally Virginia Woolf is a pack animal known for its beauty, general disdain of adult humans, and big nasty teefies. It loves human children and loves to raise and care for them but it seems to have an irrational hatred of adults(their primary antagonist,) and there have been "reports" of them turning into werewolves and eating them. The wolf is also well known for creating Phil Collins and writing the song 'Against All Odds' which Phil proceeded to steal and claim his own before creating the rest of the world. ROFL
Mating habits[edit | edit source]
A wolf on the prowl can be identified by the distinctive wolf whistle, a sound made each time a cute fox walks by. This distinctive mating call is most often heard outside fast food emporiums, where the creatures pause after wolfing down massive quantities of rubbish in order to convince passing vixens what big eyes and teeth they have.
Usually only the alpha male wolf mates with foxes. However, since wolves do travel in large packs, sometimes after having a bit too much fermented deer meat the pack will grab a video camera and make a “pack bang” film. More commonly though, the non-alpha male wolves are forced to engage in Rough Gay Wolf Sex.
The female of the wolf species, Virginia Woolf, is particularly deadly. While the uninitiated may ask "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf" in the same tone as one asks "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?", she does have a way with words that has allowed her to outfox many a sly fox. Even among the werewolves of London, she is treated with the utmost respect. Proceed with caution.
A typical wolf's den[edit | edit source]
The wolf's den is much like any other den; pictures of cute foxes adorn the walls, Fox News or WOLF-TV blares constantly from the telly, empty cans of Black Wolf Beer are strewn about and a stack of Wolverhampton or Rivière du Loup tourist maps are piled onto the coffee table amidst the newspapers and TV listings.
The alpha male in a wolf den can be readily identified as the one wearing nothing but underwear and clutching the remote control for the TV and hitting the others with a stick. He will normally avoid venturing from the den out into the kitchen, except to fetch fresh prey or to grab another beer.
Needless to say, wolves are very territorial. They will stop at nothing to defend their habitat from destruction by evil woodsmen who would level their dens in order to build a grandmother's house (or a house made of straw/sticks/bricks). It may not look like much, but it's home.
They love to spend a great deal of the time spent in their dens gazing into the refrigerator. During commercial breaks they will look through their food and wish for the food fairy to come and pay them a visit. As soon as the show is back on however, they return to their seats and wait for the next commercial break to see if the food fairy visited. Unfortunately, there has been no known reported sighting of the food fairy.
Night Wolves[edit | edit source]
A night wolf hunts through the night. It hunts for human body parts if it cant find anything else. They cici for help if you fight back causing other members of the pack to attack. The cici'ng can be either fast or slow. If its slow, they want sympathy. If its fast they want food. They will begin to eat your fingers. If you tell the wolf not to bite it will continue. Wolves do not obey their prey, instead they bite harder until the flesh is penetrated and the finger is off. If another person tries to take it off them, they will cici for help. This is really a dinner bell. The other wolves will bite your other fingers too.
A song about night wolves:
- Little wolf.
- The night is long.
- The day is long.
- Wolves hunt all night.
- You will hunt all day.
- Into the wolf land.
Interaction with man[edit | edit source]
Wolf conservationists will tell you that wolves are really misunderstood and only attack humans out of self defense, which they claim is a very rare act. Unfortunately, this act is actually very frequent.
In actual fact, wolves show a general fear towards mankind and attempt to eat people whenever possible. As wolves are related to dogs (they share an uncle, named Harry), they are also known to express an interest in killing you savagely and then stealing your face (much like what the US Military and/or the Grateful Dead does).
Despite this intense fear of mankind, wolves are often known to have a fetish for adopting human babies and raising them as their own. The most famous of these children were Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Known as the "Wolf-Den Duo," they were raised by a she-wolf. Things sometimes go horribly wrong, and the children end up having little behavioral traits in common with humans, and mostly like to do murderous activities such as kitten huffing, killing deer, killing rabbits, creating big stadiums for the killing of things, and pretty much killing things in general.
Wolf conservationists have tried to explain this phenomenon as proof that wolves don’t actually hate humans. However - who ever talks to wolf conservationists? Some crazy people suggest that it is part of a wolf plot to slowly reduce the human population over time, or to brainwash the children for an eventual return to human society, in order to secretly implant the wolf agenda into man’s politics.
Children raised by wolves are numerous and easy to spot, based on their distinctive table manners. The boy who called WOLF, infamous for the "Call +1-900-123-WOLF Only $50/minute!" spam of the 1990's, was only one of many children raised by wolves, something to which he sheepishly confessed only after it was much too late.
For more information on wolves and their interaction with humans, coat yourself in gravy and go walk about in Yellowstone National Park. Or coat yourself in cheese souffle and wander about Wolfe Island.
Interaction with women[edit | edit source]
The history of the wolf's interaction with the human female has been an unpleasant one, largely due to the efforts of groups like Surviving Grandmas Against Big Bad Wolves (also known as Surviving Grandparents for Safer Forests). While the motives of this group of raging grannies have been widely disputed, wolf conservationists know that their agenda involves sentencing wolves to the same fate that has met the mink and the fox - namely being forced to spend life as a fur coat for a mean, old rich lady.
Wolf-controlled broadcast outlets such as Oswego, New York's WOLF-FM and Hazelton, Pennsylvania's WOLF-TV have denounced the humans and their evil plans, so far without success. Despite intensive lobbying, law-enforcement organizations such as the Three Little Pigs continue to turn a blind eye to the wolves' plight.
The notorious Grandma Dynamite of cartoon fame has found her way into many a bedtime story and into many nightmares of cute wolf cubs everywhere, alongside the tale of the wolf that cried « boy! ».
“Ya hear him howlin' around your kitchen door, ya better not let him in.
Little old lady got mutilated late last night, werewolves of London again.”
Wolves on Modern Technology[edit | edit source]
Wolf researchers have used GPS collars to track wolf movement. The new tracking collars use GSM cell phone network for free.
Safety measures[edit | edit source]
While the danger they pose to humans is a controversial topic, wolves are natural hunters, physically powerful, and cunning. A further concern is that -- according to "evidence" compiled over the centuries by Surviving Grandparents for Safer Forests -- wolves have formidable powers of subterfuge and mimicry. "Survivors" argue, moreover, that the chorus of media howls against their movement is further evidence of the truth of what they say. Wolves are often seen raiding costume stores for sheep outfits, apparently.
The non-profit and non-denominational organization advocates the following safety measures, not only for grandparents and their grandchildren, but also for the general public.
- Don't wear bright colors in an area where wolves are found; especially not red head-gear.
- Don't stop and talk to a stranger with a hairy face.
- Always be on the lookout for wolves in sheep's clothing; especially when using the internet.
- NEVER vote for someone like George Dubya Bush.
- don't stop to play poker with a Tom Hanks
Allies[edit | edit source]
Enemies[edit | edit source]
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The Arctic Timber Wolf is the only wolf to routinely carry a chainsaw and fell trees; this activity places it in competition with the Canadian beaver, Castor canadensis.
- Near godforsaken places like Ketchikan, Alaska, local wolves are pansies who catch fish instead of chasing real prey.
- The best form of wolves come in threes in front of a full moon.
- The wolf's principal competitor is the coyote, Canis latrans. While physically smaller than the wolf, the coyote is a formidable rival, as he is not only wily, but armed with TNT and various destructive devices purchased from ACME and Microsoft.
- A wolf, by the designation Bad, appeared in a recent series of Doctor Who. The wolf was not actually as much bad as it was simply a moral relativist. The wolf was played by Billie Piper, who is actually a Fox.
- During World War I and World War II German U-boats hunted Allied shipping in groups known as "Wolfpacks". This is in reference to the common wolf behavior of hunting in packs, using U-boats.
- In the early 60's, Hanna-Barbera went to Quebec and asked Loopy de Loop to become an ambassador for the Quebecians...or whatever they're called, but since he was a wolf, he was shunned.
- After the events of The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Link decided to stay as a Wolf, Start a pack of his own, did it with epona and eventaully got shot by Malo
- Wolf's Final Smash is a Landmaster. It's all black and red, and completely badass.
- Wolves do not have hands or mouths.
- Scientists have made attempts to cross-breed a wolf with a platypus, but have been unsuccessful. Afterwards different scientists attempted to cross-breed a wolf with a small weird midget, but unfortunately the midget had its genitals destroyed and was later euthanized.
Famous wolves[edit | edit source]
- Beowulf, Old English poem and legendary hero
- The Big Bad Wolf, founder of the city of Wolverhampton
- The Mod Wolves, a pack of wolves living in the zooniverse, riding scooters and looking dapper in Drainpipe suits
- Wolf Blitzer of CNN
- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, musician and actor in Dancing with Wolves
- The Wolf Man
- Wolf O'Donnell, fighter pilot who can't let you do that
- Thomas Wolf (1900-1938), American novelist
- The WOLF-TV wolf, currently operating as a Fox TV affiliate.
- Virginia Woolf (1882-1941), Japanese Sex Symbol
- Wolfmother, Australian band (formerly Led Zeppelin)
- The wolf from Aesop's fable. He is currently the president of Eat Sheep, inc.
- Wolfenstein, a monster wolf created from the parts of dead wolves.
- Wollf A Blogger of no Reknown whatsoever
- Scar One of the most badass wolves to live.
- Paul Wolfowitz, neo-conservative politician.
- Loopy de Loop Okay, he's an obscure wolf, but he'd rather shake your hand rather than eat it.
- Ethymae, the cicing night wolf.
- Pricey, CT rapper known as the wolfmaster