Billie Piper

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Billie Piper shown tasting her own cum after she accidentally squirted during a porn shoot.

Billie Paul Piper (born Leian Paul Piper; 22 September 1982) is an English stage and television actress and former singer. She is known as the jailbait singer who went on to marry Matt Smith and be in Doctor who.

She was born in Swindon. Obviously.


Piper first got her break in the music industry by appearing in an overly 'cheerful' children's television program, before being scarred for life by the repressed homosexual overtones. She then landed a 'Smash Hits' advert, which consisted of Piper blowing a bubble with her own spit, before popping it and letting the remnants to form their own civilization on the studio floor. The miniature cities rampaged over the crew, killing them horribly and mercilessly, dragging their torment and torture out for hours before forcing them to watch the same 'Days of Our Lives' episode over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and stop (hammertime), and over and over again until they were begging on their knees to stop. A few were allowed to live, but never recovered from their trauma.

Piper was offered a recording contract at age 15, making her the youngest ever UK artist and also the first ever straight woman in the industry (or so we think). She had several hits including "Money to the Me", "Because We Can't Be Stuffed to Want To", "Someone Deep Inside" and "(My) Girlfriend". After taking a short break and ditching the stage name 'Billie', she returned with a new, sexier sound as a result of finally getting through puberty. Some of her new songs included (un)hits such as Talk About Life and a cover of the song 'The Tide Is High', her version entitled 'The Ride Is Mine', leaving listeners thinking she really does like the TARDIS. However, her songs became lousy and her older sounding voice turned off all the 40 year old perverted men that dug her young, cute-as-a-bug sound. Her failure was due to the fact that these men were her main audience. The criteria as mentioned covered most of the men in the UK.

Film and Television[edit]

She took acting lessons in Los Angeles, with the dream that she would convince people she was a natural blonde. She quickly landed roles in some retelling of some story to do with Canterberries and another in 'Bella and the Boys'. No one knows much about either of these, as they aired on the BBC, but it's suspected that Billie was the only person desperate enough for the job. This is not true. It was a choice between her and Mr T. Guess who was picked. The critics thought she was a better actress than singer, which must really say something about her singing.

Some of her most recent work is the adaptation of 'The intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl' called 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'. It mainly portrays Piper's childhood and features many sick, twisted, perverted scenes that I won't disclose here. Among these undisclosable-scenes include lesbian romps, half-naked Billie Piper and odd, equally perverted things done with clients. Like saddling one up and riding him like a horse. The show attracted upwards of 1.8 trillion gazillion viewers of just the first episode, making it one of the biggest ITV2 premiers eva! A twenty-third series has already been commissioned. Series 2-23 have been planned to be filmed next year with Billie doing an astounding 31 hour work day.

Doctor Who[edit]


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Billie Piper.

Billie Piper portrayed the Doctor's companion, Rose Tyler, from 2005 to 2007 and again later in 2008. Her adventures usually featured her and the Doctor landing on a strange planet (Earth) that always had a ludicrously breathable atmosphere, being captured, getting saved by the Doctor after helping him (in some way) to save a bunch of people before traveling across the border to Mexico and riding off into the sunset. The Doctor established a romantic relationship with her when Captain Jack Harkness joined them and coerced them into participating in many unsafe threesomes. Even after the Doctor regenerated and Jack was made immortal but was unfortunately left behind on that satellite place, Rose continued boinking the Doctor. The on-screen affair was continued off-screen where Billie started sleeping with Christopher Eccleston. After the Doctor regenerated, she carried on the affair with David Tennant. She was married to this DJ dude, who she divorced some time after both affairs had begun and were fully underway. Billie Piper's leaking should also be mentioned. Before the 40 year old men get too excited, it should be made clear that we are talking about leaking across time and space. Billie was stranded in an alternative universe with an alternative and mortal (and still Scottish) doctor. After discovering that it was not only two hearts that he had, she discovered the reason for the existence of that huge mouth. Most people would assume that she would live happily ever after, but strangely she keeps leaking back into this universe to stand around looking concerned, or is it confused. At least one of the world's top quantum physicists has tried to explain this phenomena, but the general concensus seems to be that a producer at the BBC really gets a kick out of that big mouth.

She got a whole bunch of awards and recognitions and stuff for her work... and sexual favours.

The BBC was thinking about a spin-off that continued Rose's adventures after leaving the Doctor, but it was thought it'd be too boring without the sex. They briefly considered making Rose masturbate a ludicrous amount of times per episode, but it was deemed ludicrous. It has been confirmed that Billie will return for seasons 42 to 666 and is expected that she will participate in more three-or-more-ways with whoever is with the Doctor at the time.

During the final three episodes of the fourth season of Doctor Who, she was criticized for inability to talk, as she had tried to recreate the TARDIS at home and instead merged her DNA with that of a beaver which resulted in oversized teeth and an inability to talk. Unlike Billie, her teeth, going under the name Fuzzy, from their lack of being brushed, blitzed the screen test and have been signed on to the next Resident Evil movie. Unfortunately they "blitzed" the screen test in the Nazi sense of the word, and the casting director was killed leading to the cancellation of the film's production.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl[edit]

After Doctor Who, Billie moved on to pornography about a London hooker known as Hannah Belle, the result was the BAFTA-winning series 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'. It was based on Billie's childhood and features many disturbing and undisclosable scenes. Among these undisclosable scenes, we see her ride her client like a horse, have anal sex in a car and get into BDSM. Her childhood priest liked her a little too much, if you know what I mean. In Series 2 *Spoilers!* we reunite with Belle and her profession. This time smashes her nephew's hopes and dreams, gets 'DON'T CUT ME' written on her so called "breasts", gives a man oral and receives a bitch slap from his wife, has a threesome with sexy doe-girl called Bambi, has intercourse with a "special" person and falls in love with a certain Doctor. Series 3 brought back the sex scenes and Bambi gets married to Billie Joe Armstrong. Nuff said.


Piper released a book. A book is like a movie but you read it and it takes ages and you have to turn pages. I prefer movies. The book is about her and tells of her messed up life. She has suffered anorexia twice, gone through a few relationship issues, spilled all the goss about an old school, licked a toad, turned lesbian seventeen times and slept with seven of her nine brothers. Piper admits that her life was a mistake and apologises to the aboriginal communities of Australia. Why? I dunno, now you young whippersnappers get off my lawn!

It is a commonly known fact that Billie Piper's mouth is big enough to lose a submarine in... as well as, sadly, the ocean. This, she has stated, could be the answer to Global Warming. There is also a rumor that her big mouth enabled her to suck bigger cocks.

See also[edit]