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A woman with her face in a beaver

The beaver is a North American rodent which... Hahaha! Beaver! I just got it! Ahem. Anyway a beaver (snicker) is a buck toothed thing which lives by nibbling on big, thick logs... that is to say, the logs are firm and upright, until the beaver has finished with them... uh... to put it another way, a billy makes a dam with its teeth; a dental dam, if you will... ah.... Anyways, a beaver is soft and smooth and covered with hair... I mean, a beaver lives partly on land and partly in a river, so sometimes it's dry and sometimes it's soaking wet... oh, this is too painful... I just can't go on....

Evolution of the Beaver

Beavers are large, brown, chocolate-flavored mammals, completely pink on the inside, that are part of the rodent family. Scientific studies show that beavers are actually the missing link between Neanderthals and modern day hillbillies. This research is based upon the fact that both beavers and humans screw with mother nature by cutting down trees and blocking up rivers. However, being more primitive, they do not have the well-known warning call, "timber", for when a tree comes falling down, that humans do. The effects of this drawback can be seen in the enormous amount of deaths within the beaver population from being crushed by trees or eaten by brush crabs. Sometimes even abducted by aliens!! They are found roaming around Mars, Jupiter and Pluto and have to be brought back to Earth.

Life of the Beaver

At early life, the beaver does not have hair, but as it grows and gets bigger it gets hairier. Just like a 12 year old girl, or Barack Obama. Some beavers shave themselves to be more attractive to others. Beavers are often known to compare notes on physical appearance. This practice ensures that beavers are generally smooth and moist more so than other animals. However, on occasion, as a result of the above noted advice, younger beavers may often be mistaken for other animals, such as porcupines or fish. Beavers spend their time stealing sweets (among other things) from the local supermarket, they can also be found in schools robbing little kids and insulting teachers. They are also widely known for an extreme sport called Extreme Molestation (or Michael Jacksoning) in which they take pride in.

Species & Distribution

There is no more beautiful sight in nature than a wet beaver.

Beavers are found all over the world and there are thought to be about 0.5 beavers for every human in roughly similar density with a number of noteworthy exceptions including San Francisco, the Australian Outback and the executive board of all major corporations. The following species have been well catalogued (and I mean well catalogued - see most of the internet) in the literature:

  • American Beaver: (Castor Fornicatus) Similar in size to the European beaver with the interesting behaviour that younger specimens are more likely to be encountered in the back of cars.
  • Brazilian Beaver: (Mufficus Nonicus) Almost or completely hairless this species of beaver appears to be very tame and a very popular subject for study.
  • Canadian Beaver: (Beaver Eager) The Canadian beaver's pelt is like felt. Short but not stubbly or totally bald like the Brazillian. Felt offers superior insulating properties for cold climes, has a softness and sleekness that makes it a favorite of Beaver hunters and ease of care and cleaning (unlike the French Beaver). Canadian beavers are known to eat large amount of woods which allows them to survive during the winter when there is no sunlight for weeks on end.
  • Chinese Beaver: (Pubis Chinoise) Slightly smaller than its European and American Cousins this cute little animal is usually very well groomed and slightly shorter haired. Almost invariably it has a thin coat of wiry black hair.
  • French Beaver: (Beveur Jardin de Madame) Similar to the skunk the French beaver is unique for its onion and garlic defense if it feels threatened. Longer haired than other European beavers this animals fur has a tendency to grow unkempt and matted.
NB: This is with the exception of Carla Bruni's beaver which is a beautifully kept specimen and much admired.
  • Finnish Beaver: (Caveat Frigus) The Finnish Water Beaver is known locally as 'Vittu Pakastanut'. Its inland cousin, the Tree Hugger Fugger Beaver Big Log Cleaver, (which everyone knows is the wet Water Beaver's 'kissing cousin') can often be seen in its natural habitat chopping down large sections of forest with it's powerful incisors.
  • Lancashire Beaver: (Ohhayy Beaver) The emerging Lancashire Beaver is known for its red fur and sometimes aggressive nature. They often have a good relationship with their fathers - until they disappoint them through acts such as the playing of musical instruments.


The beaver dwelling (sometimes known as a lodge) is normally found between two converging branches of a river (or legs). It is accessed through a concealed wet tunnel which its owners protect fiercely until fully subdued. Administering alcohol can greatly reduce this ferocity.

John Locke once predicted that due to their biological superiority over humans, beavers may one day conquer the world. This may very well have happened, had it not been for Davy Crockett, beavers' greatest nemesis. Davy Crockett got mad beaver.

Today, the beaver is seldom seen in public anymore. Satellite imaging, however, has revealed many secret beaver communities on the frigid shores of Canada



It is generally accepted that there is more misinformation than information in circulation about the behaviour of the beaver. What is certain is that when excited they tend to dive to the bottom of their pool or otherwise get wet. Experienced Beaver Scouts find they are able to stimulate this behaviour by careful stroking.

Beavers don't hibernate but they also tend not to like being woken up in the middle of the night - particularly when you come home from a night out with your mates.

Beavers spend most of their time living in small tents known as 'Undies' and only usually come out to wash, relieve themselves, breed or (if you're lucky) play. However they are also known to exhibit a behaviour called 'commando' in which they leave their tent for longer periods of time though usually remain in cover. If Beaver Scouts find out a beaver has gone commando they are always keen to catch a glimpse of it exhibiting this unusual and interesting behaviour.


Beavers are famous for their insatiable appetite for wood. Many people believe beavers would be happiest getting wood morning, noon and night. They love it. Many beavers get excited at the very sight of wood and will be jumping in and out of their pool and getting wet before they've even touched it. Beavers are certainly at their happiest stuffed with wood.

Fortunately many Beaver Scouts find it very easy to get wood whenever they see a beaver.

Beaver Scouts

From just before puberty onwards most boys (90% by some estimates) and some girls (10% by the same estimates) are inducted in to the Beaver Scouts. After that and for most of the rest of their lives they will spend the majority their time hunting beaver, thinking about beaver and comparing notes and hunting techniques with fellow Beaver Scouts in various makeshift meetings - in bars, pubs, at watercoolers, bus stops in fact pretty much anywhere two or more Beaver Scouts happen to congregate with more than about 30 seconds to kill.

During meetings the activities of female Beaver Scouts are much discussed and a great deal of time is spent discussing what they do and studying learned documentaries on the subject.

Beaver Hunting

The Chase

Beavers are known to be attracted to shiny objects known as "Bling" - the more "Bling" that is on offer the more likely you are to get plenty of beaver. One popular belief is that beavers prefer trees but experience shows that they are more amenable to flowers and chocolates, although baiting traps with these is not as popular as you might think. Beavers can either be hostile or simply disappear if not enough Bling, Chocolate and flowers are available. Another popular belief is that beavers can be attracted by expensive cars, but anecdotal evidence suggests this is not an effective hunting strategy. A Porsche can be traded in for one helluva a lot of flowers and choccies!


Despite almost universal protection the beaver is hunted incessantly everywhere it is found throughout the year. Due to reduced cover beavers typically have less protection during the summer months and almost no cover in many coastal areas (at the beach). However numbers remain fairly static due the central role of the beaver in almost all breeding programmes. Many hunters also employ a catch and release policy.

The hunting of immature beavers is fiercely proscribed by all civilised peoples.

REMEMBER: Always Keep Your Beaver Protected and Out of Sight in Public - unless you happen to be drunk and in Doncaster.


Many attempts have been made to keep beavers in long term captivity. Although the flowers and chocolates used in hunting are partially effective in subduing a captive beaver, long term retention requires something called Commitment. No one knows what this is but unless it is forthcoming, long term beavers become withdrawn, disinterested and eventually migratory.

Contrary to documentary evidence on the internet beavers should be handled with extreme gentleness. Beavers should be handled like the petals of a delicate and exotic flower.

Again in contradiction to popular culture it is considered a positive sign if a "beaver bites the hand that feeds it" and in extreme cases fisting a beaver can occasionally be considered sensitive and caring if done correctly.

The study of beaver psychology (particularly in captivity) remains in its infancy despite many hundreds of thousands of man years spent trying to determine what they want.


Owls and beavers have been long at war, and owls have long been hunting beavers, especially the King of the Beavers, Simon Cowell. Owls are currently plotting to take Simon Cowell in his slumber.

Beavers in Canada

In Canada the beaver is used for something different. In Canada the beaver is their professional assassin and is used often to infiltrate the American government to make sure someone hasn't been going and making deals with Quebec behind Canada's back, because everyone knows that you can't trust the French, not even the French trust the French. beavers like to live in Canada. But they hate live in Sweden. He is such a great assassin he once bit Hitler's nose during WWII.

As well, a special subspecies called the Prairie Beaver exists only in Saskatchewan. Its diet consists mainly of meat and trash discarded by humans, as the staple of the Beaver's diet, fish, does not exist in Saskatchewan. There ain't no rivers in 'skatchewan.

Beavers are also the symbol of Canada. America pondered what its national animal should be, and chose the hairless eagle, a creature that symbolized soaring to great heights and the glories of ancient Rome. Canada chose a national animal that symbolized desecration of the natural habitats in order to provide waterproof hats.

Facts About Beavers

Yes, honest! I was searching for pictures of beavers. This explains where all this stuff on the computer came from.
  • Beavers can fly for long distances.
  • Beavers slap their tails on the surface of the water as a distress call, and to order pizza.
  • Pictures of Beavers are among the most likely things to be downloaded on the internet by teenagers and middle aged men.
  • Most beavers are generally peaceful creatures, but will attack if provoked. There are usually 4 or 5 days every month where you do not want to go near the beaver.
  • A freshly-shaved beaver is much less likely to give you friction burn.
  • Beaver is considered a delicacy by many. In fact such a delicacy that some people are satisfied by just watching someone else eat beaver.
  • Many people will claim that beaver tastes and smells like fish, but that is only because they are eating the wrong beavers.
  • When bred together with a duck, creates one of the world's most horrid creatures, the Platypus.

See also

External links