Mammal

If that mammal were as big as you, it wouldn't hesitate to kill you.

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that it could hold its own in the conversation.”
~ Mammals on mammalian mammalisms

Ah, I see you there, with your soft fur and big, cute eyes, asking about mammals. What is it that makes a mammal? Is it their warm little brains? Their strange reproductive practices? Let me guide you down the furry path that is the mammal.

The Most Important Forms of Mammal[edit | edit source]

Oh snap, there goes the resale value.

Before I continue, let me get this off my chest: You mammals think you're so hot, don't you? Thank you. That makes me feel slightly better.

Dolphins[edit | edit source]

As the most intelligent form of life on Earth, dolphins sure do like to brag about that fact. Their network of underground cities, 3 thousand in all, puts the greatest cities of the squirrels to shame. You don't need to worry about them for much longer: they're scheduled to launch in 2025.

Squirrels[edit | edit source]

Although squirrels have proven to be a formidable foe to us in the past, we now know their weak spots. They have controlled the world nut market for too long. Although they can climb trees, we have many tools at our command. You jackass squirrels won't be able to squeek and run away forever!

History[edit | edit source]

Don't keep mammals in the house. That's all I have to say about these particular mammals.

Mammals began their quest for power in the late Triassic period beginning with those damned cynodonts. I told the others that the cynodonts were trouble, but did they listen to me? NoOoOoO, they said, Cynodonts are just like any other reptile! I so deserved that promotion.

But you're not interested in that, are you my warm, little friend? You're here for porn, correct? Well I hate to burst your bubble, but after the revolution, the only porn YOU'LL be getting is close-ups-of-insects-porn.

Accomplishments[edit | edit source]

Some mammals, like the dolphins, inhabit large underwater cities, while others sit in absolute squallor in their caves or houses. So far, you mammals seem quite proud of themselves, having conquered not only the oceans, but the internet as well.

As far as real accomplishments go, like having a decent game show on television, mammals can not claim very much. Yes, they run around looking up at us with their big, curious eyes and start squeeking about everything they've done, but really the only thing they've done is get themselves noticed by the real species in charge of the planet!

Arguments Against[edit | edit source]

Some of them have even gotten their own internet memes!

Now, I don't want to seem like I'm on the wrong side of this issue, but I believe mammals have gone too far.

Fur[edit | edit source]

If mammals are worthy of nature's trust, why do they need fur to keep warm during the times of coldness? Some mammals, such as the damnable squirrels and dolphins, have even learned to build cities to protect themselves from the elements! Mammals are weak, and need to be reformed.

The others are still jealous of your fur and warm milk: but I say to them, Soon we will have our vengeance! Soon the females will nurture and coddle US! Hahahaha!

Brains[edit | edit source]

Mammals use their brains to great effect, sometimes. With their larger forebrains and a neocortex, mammals have encroached upon our territory with no regard for our wellbeing. Don't worry, soft mammalian creature: we will find you. Your brains contain a weakness: true, the dolphins have overcome their brain's softness, but the squirrels cannot escape us. MWAHAHAHA!

If you have stayed this long, may I ask: how is it possible? I had thought by now that the strain of conversing would have exhausted you! Very interesting...

Evil[edit | edit source]

Mammals can be seen standing motionless beside plants.

Some of the lower forms of "civilized" mammals, like the Giraffe, pose a threat not only to themselves but to nature itself. You mammals can't stop fucking each other long enough to see what's going on around you!

Why don't you put down the bong and pay attention, mammals?

Soon, very soon[edit | edit source]

You mammals think you're so clever don't you? You, with your burrows and fur and so forth! Very soon, now, we will force you to live as we do: out in the cold, cold world, without our mothers to keep us warm!

Wait... are humans mammals? Oh, in that case, nevermind. Psh, I'm sorry. Forgot who's side I'm on.