Battle pelican
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Nobody is known to have survived an encounter with a battle pelican, which leads to the question, how do we know they really exist? What follows are indisputable logical conclusions that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only do Battle Pelicans exist, but remain uncontested in their might.
History[edit | edit source]
It should be noted that all of these are simply what would have "happened" without actually happening. They are all moot points as "History," "Time," and indeed all "Past Events" were not invented until the 1900s by Thomas Edison. So of course, while these things DID happen, by the time they happened they had already occurred. That is to say, they happened, but were never happening. This caused lots of problems when Thomas Edison invented time travel, but that's another matter.
Extinction of the Dinosaurs[edit | edit source]
The only thing that could have wiped out such powerful creatures is a swarm of malevolent pelicans. The currently widely accepted "Chuck Norris Theory" is only partially correct. Chuck is what is known as a halfbreed, part battle pelican, part dinosaur. He had a falling out with his mother's side of the family (the dino portion) when she devoured his brothers and sisters to discourage an approaching predator. Vowing revenge, he enlisted in the pelican army. Because of his dino blood and cultural roots, he easily infiltrated the enemy security systems and dispatched critical information back to pelican intelligence. So yes he played a role in the extinction process, but the only effect was a quicker slaughter than would have happened without his assistance.
Influence on Evolution[edit | edit source]
This one is really quite obvious. Because pelican maulings are almost unheard of these days, it logically follows that the pelicans have already killed and eaten every human gene type that was to their liking. Through this natural selection, people have evolved to become distasteful to the birds, and thus, the rarity of attacks.
Origin of Religion[edit | edit source]
Religious fervor very often blinds people, making it difficult for them to reach straightforward, soundly deduced conclusions, such as the existence of a pelican army dominating the world. If people did not use religion to create an alternate reality without battle pelicans, and were thus forced to acknowledge the existence of the ferocious birds, chaos would ensue. Every single person on the planet would soil themselves in fear, creating oceans of urine and mountains of dung. The human race would drown in the floods or be smothered by their own excrement. The pelicans are not interested in cleaning up such a huge mess, and have therefore been distributing religious propaganda since the dawn of humanity. Sometimes they create the illusion of a spirit, UFO, perform a "miracle", inspire holy wars, descend from a mountain in the form of a bull to rape a young maiden, or even impregnate a few virgins here and there. Why do you think Jesus had supernatural powers? The answer is obvious: Battle Pelican DNA.
Observational Evidence[edit | edit source]
Night[edit | edit source]
Again, the only explanation is that the sun is blocked out by hordes of angry pelicans. The few small parts of the sky disliked by the flock are devoid of pelicans, and are known to us as stars. The "twinkle" effect is from the occasional pelican flying through the empty space.
Remember the Roswell Incident? Pelicans just shot down a fighter jet over Russia and it ended up in USA. Then the Air Force collected the remains of the jet to salvage the essence of the pelican's lazar to make the nuclear bomb. I know this because I was part of the pelican's cub scout group back in the day.
Airplanes[edit | edit source]
We all know that if God wanted man to fly, he would have given him wings. How is it then that airplanes seemingly "fly" around the globe 24/7? Let me ask you this: why do you think a runway is needed to take off? Stumped? The answer is simple: airplanes don't "fly" as commonly believed, they are merely thrown very long distances by Battle Pelicans at play. Because the shape of a plane is similar to that of a rival bird, pelicans often are attracted to them, especially when they are speeding down a runway. The pelican's reaction is usually to overtake the fleeing rival and launch it as far from its domain as possible. It is no wonder that so many flights get delayed, rerouted, or canceled altogether. On another note, helicopters clearly do not exist.
Influences on Modern Culture[edit | edit source]
Batman[edit | edit source]
Why not Pelicanman? The author obviously did not want to be held responsible for slandering the master avian race by associating them with such a lowly creature as a human being.
Also, pelican man would tend to shout the famed, "LEROY JENKINS" upon flying into battle. Kicking batman's ass as he did so, proving that once again, pelican man actually plays World of Warcraft to kick the ass of nerds.
Other Pelican Concerns[edit | edit source]
Regular pelicans[edit | edit source]
Wolves among the sheep if you may, regular pelicans keep tabs on the world and make sure nothing gets out of hand. Why do you think the cold war stayed cold? Why do you think the earth hasn't come to an end at the hands of the many reckless/ignorant members of the human race? The answer is clear, and it is pelicans.
Desk[edit | edit source]
If you need an explanation for this, may Frau Gray have mercy upon your soul.