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Scientific classification
ClassAve Maria
Binomial name
Struthio camelus
Primary armamentA hole in the ground
Secondary armamentEggs larger than your head
Power supplyWind
Strength50 mini-cows combined
Length9 feet
Special attackLong neck peck
Conservation status
Same as chicken

“Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there would only be a few ostriches.”

~ Don Knotts on ostriches

The ostrich is a big really bloody enormous bird which is related to Big Bird but does not live on Sesame Street. It has been surmised, however, that Big Bird's mom probably dallied with an ostrich at some time prior to his conception, given that both his parents are 2" canaries. The ostrich cannot fly. This is punishment for having a large backside, skinny pins for legs and a tendency to stick its head in the ground and leave it there in the hope that nobody can see it.

Now very popular in farming as the tendency to stick its head in the ground assists farmers when vaccination time arrives. There is no need to sneak up behind the ostrich as one would do for a cow to stick a needle in its butt. Rather, said butt is already hovering at precisely the right level and all the farmer has to do is stick it in and run.

From the perspective of those who don't fancy breakfast that much, ostriches are a boon. Considering that the bird lays massive eggs, the equivalent of 24 chicken eggs, it saves a lot of time by having breakfast once or twice a month rather than every day. Care needs to be taken when swallowing raw ostrich egg whole as a number of raw egg-o-philes have drowned in the process.

Description[edit | edit source]

9 feet is quite a length

Ostriches are nice friends to have with caterpillars, they enjoy having a couple of good fishfingers with a side of potato and gravy, they love having helicopter rides, and they're best friends with turkeys.

Fastest bird in the west, or any other part of the planet for that matter. It has been clocked doing more than a truckload of drunken Ozark lads on a back road around midnight and that's saying something.it had probably just huffed a cheetah kitten (sends you through a psychedelic wonderland at like a kajilliono mph and ur not even halway there. Despite this ability to run like the wind, the ostrich cannot lay claim to performing what any fast running bird-like creature ought to be able to do - take-off.they have fat asses and abnormally small brains but they are kinda smart. This inability to pass from the running stage to the take-off mode is considered to be a design fault that may lead to the eventual extinction of this oversized dodo. they are kinda smart, but DO NOT, DO NOT, let an ostrich kick you, it will completely FUCK YOU UP. **the guys on Jackass should do that then get onm scarred.** DO NOT GET KICKED BY AN OSTRCICH. IT WILL SHATTER ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY AND MAKE YOU BE PITYED BY MR. T

Ostriches feed primarily on Rabbis.

Rumors have it that what may have led to the inability of the ostrich to fly was a crazed fad in the early 1920's when all backside ostrich feathers were highly prized and sought after for the hats of extremely bored, frustrated, and fad prone well-to-do ladies in North America and Europe. As a result, enormous plucking machines were invented by Edison's grandson that mimicked the bird and ran with the flock, plucking mercilessly at tail feathers and wing feathers to service these worthy women.

More description since this is meant to be about describing the flightless bird, for those of you with a scientific bent and an irritating need for facts. Yes, the ostrich has blooming long legs and an even longer neck. It cannot be ignored that the legs look like pins and the neck is something a turkey would probably be embarrassed to wear but there you have it, nature likes to play jokes just to keep us guessing.

These flightless goliaths weigh upwards of 200 pounds, but most of the females are on a diet. This dieting habit was observed by Ostrichians (scientists who spend all day monitoring ostriches on enormous government grants) in 1996. It took Naomi Wolf to point out that the blame for the dieting craze in ostriches was caused by the sloppy habit of Ostrichians of leaving their pulp magazines lying about the latrine after visits. Curious female ostriches (for extremely curious they are) were often observed hanging about the latrines and the Ostrichians simply thought it was the smell that attracted them. No word yet on how many government funds are being set aside to remedy this unfortunate slip in scientific analysis and to begin fattening programs targeted specifically at female teenage ostriches.

Male ostriches are well known for having eyes larger than their brains, leading female scientists to believe that there is a definite evolutionary connection between this feathery bird and the human race.

At sexual maturity, the male can extend as much as nine feet (the BIRD! Not sure what you were thinking.)

Habitat[edit | edit source]

All ostriches (aka "austriches") are from Austria, hence the name. Except those brought to Afghanistan by the ancient Indo-Urinepeans from prehistoric Austria, which have completely replaced camels among the tribal peoples of that God-forsaken land. For some reason they all relocate to Darkie Land when young, unless their migrations are stopped by a plentiful supply of fresh cannabis on which to graze. After they land in Darkie Land they eat Nigerian Internet criminals which gives them the power to morph into the ostriches we know today (and many that we do not). This means that cannabis is the only reason that Nigerian Internet criminals still survive.

All ostriches can ski, but are apt to forget that they cannot fly when a sweet jump goes wrong. The high slopes of the Alps and mountains in Afghanistan and Pakistan are littered with the corpses of noble birds led astray by good chronic. Osama bin Laden is rumored to survive on rotting ostrich meat and to copulate with their lifeless bodies.

Behaviour[edit | edit source]

Unlike the complete and utter nonsense that you have been led to believe in the paragraphs above, these birds do not stick their heads in the sand (as goes the myth), and so bear no relationship to the current administration (which some wish was a myth). Rather, ostriches appear to do this. There is a world of difference between appearance and reality but few in politics ever seem to grasp this reality. On point, however, the myth arises from myopic sapiens who would rather say they saw something they wanted to see than what was actually happening. So what was actually happening? Well, ostriches eat rocks. Pebbles to be more precise. They grind them up, think, "ooh, tasty, tasty" and then burp. Down the hatch it goes and pronto, yet another reason why an ostrich is never going to take off in flight. Myopic and probably color blind humans see only an ostrich butt, with the head down munching on pebbles and conclude "that ostrich must have its head in the sand, oh bollocks, what a stupid bird." Only part of this statement is factually correct because the head is merely down obtaining the pebbles and crushing them up. After all, if you ate pebbles, it is highly unlikely you'd want to raise your head until you'd ground them up either.

Ostiches are hostile creatures and crave human flesh, especially when given the munchies.

If you are being attacked by one, dive into a thorn bush. Opt for that than being eaten alive by the dastardly bird. THe picture is not an ostrich, that is an emu...the overly-emotional cousin of the ostrich.

Anyways, the story doesn't end there. The coarsely-ground pebbles settle in their stomachs and act to grind the various tough substances that ostriches eat. That is, cannabis plants and human flesh-and-bones, to name a few. It isn't surprising that ostriches are banned from entry into Jamaica, and are shot on sight by the Rasta Armada. Ostriches are surprisingly good swimmers with buoyant bodies, strong legs, and periscope-like heads. Birds migrating by lake, river, or sea can communicate using ultrasound generated by vibrating their pebble-filled stomachs, allowing coordinated attacks against dolphins, whales, surfers, and swimmers. The rotten, beached corpses of ostriches are sometimes mistaken for remains of sea monsters, though many who live by the ocean argue that they are monsters. Aquatic ostriches eat fugu (intoxicating pufferfish) when cannabis cannot be found and may peck at coral reefs to replace digestive pebbles.

Penguins are distant cousins of ostriches that lost all ability to kick ass and now wait for the inevitable judgment of natural selection. They are even dressed for their own funerals in black and white down suits.

Famous Ostriches[edit | edit source]

There are surprisingly an incredibly high number of famous ostriches. Space does not permit adding them all here – actually, the author can't be buggered trying at all – but they're out there.

Consider, for instance:

  • G.Dubya Ostrich – renowned for an inability to take flight on any terrain, a proclivity to stick his head deeper than any ostrich has ever managed before and a tendency to never bring said head back to see the light of reality again.
  • Adolf Hitler, the ostrich who led the Germans to invent disco in the 1970s. Such was the mesmerising power of his public speeches that all who saw him thought they were looking at a man with a stupid moustache.

The Space Ostrich - The ancestor to the modern land Ostrich, the Space Ostrich was commonly seen in the tall grasses of it's natural habitat, space. They have been in a long and bloody war with the Space Ponies and recently united against the Bionic Space Hamsters.

Ostrich Uses[edit | edit source]

Now that's a homemade burger!

Ostriches taste damn fine. Anyway you want them - burger, steak, milkshake. Their leather is tough and resilient, perfect for making lederhosen and dildos.

Ostriches also make incredibly magnificent toilet brushes. For those whose home is not quite large enough to fit the entire ostrich as a toilet brush, there is a mini-deluxe version made from just the tail feathers attached to one of its pin legs. It is usually kinder to buy two of these mini-deluxe versions at once, otherwise you leave the ostrich hopping about on one leg which is a lot harder than having no legs because then the ostrich can apply for a disability pension.

The ostrich egg has been borrowed by Uncyclopedia as its pictorial symbol (see lefthand upper corner of this page). There is currently a long-running session of the Ostrich Ethics Council to reach a decision on whether or not it is appropriate for Uncyclopedia to display an ostrich egg that implies ostrich eggs can't retain their shape under pressure.

   In the future they will lead as heavy military units

Varieties[edit | edit source]

“Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich.”

~ Ambrose Beirce
Image Species Description
Ostrich up.jpg Big Ostrich (Ostrichus BiggusAndBestest) Next to the Statue of Liberty, this ostrich reaches the eyebrows of Lady Liberty.
Ostrich up.jpg Little Ostrich (Ostrichus Smidgeofathingus) Next to the Statue of Liberty, this ostrich reaches the nose.
Ostrich down.jpg Upside Down Ostrich (Ostrichus Pineappleus) This ostrich believed the myth and was never able to get back upright.
Ostrich go.jpg Uncomfortable Ostrich (Ostrichus Enuresis) Yessiree, this ostrich needs a latrine, fast.
Small shadow ostrich.gif

Do you like Ostrich????

See also[edit | edit source]