Whale bones
Whale bones are, perhaps inevitably, the various pieces that, when properly assembled, make up the skeletal structure of the whale, Earth's largest known mammal. When improperly assembled, whale bones most commonly tend to resemble glass colanders, orange peelers, and circus tents.
Despite the fact that the purpose of whale bones is rather obvious and unremarkable as compared to those of other animals' bones, marine biologists and auto mechanics have been known to show particular disappointment at the predictability of this notion. Upon the initial discovery of whale bones, for example, many had hoped that they would contain high amounts of enriched uranium, or perhaps granulated dried onion.
Characteristics
Whale bones are noticeably very large, although on a cosmic scale they currently pale in comparison with stars, asteroids, and most man-made structures, and unfortunately lack the innate ability to transfer their possessor through time and space. This can be overcome somewhat by using them to construct a boat or automobile, in which case they can transport their possessor through space, but not time. As time travel has not been invented yet, this is not considered a severe drawback, although physicists do believe that the bones of whales will in fact be used as fuel in some of the initial trials and experiments to be set forth in this industry in future years.
The other remarkable trait about whale bones is their tendency to be colored white, often with brown and yellow overtones. Originally it was believed that this was due to the whale living its entire life in the ocean, a prime deposit of sodium, chlorine, water, and fish guts. However, this interpretation has since been deprecated in lieu of the discovery that the bones of most living creatures are also white with brown and yellow overtones. The bones of the Bavarian grimpy-tailed slimp, which are a combination of orange and blue gradients, have not been taken under consideration, as the Bavarian grimpy-tailed slimp does not exist.
Whales also filter water with their tooth bones, but that's not very impressive.
History
Scientists have determined that whale bones most likely came around about the same time that whales came around, approximately many thousands of years ago. In 2009, after the announcement of this theory at the 63rd annual Whale Bone Conference in Brussels, biologist Brenton Haskell briefly became an internet sensation, when a video was uploaded to YouTube featuring the man, believed to have been drunk, screaming and flipping over dinner tables in displeasure at the idea.
Haskell later explained that he believes whale bones to have originated in the bodies of large aquatic chimpanzees in the earliest days of mammals, inherited by whales shortly after the chimpanzee became a largely land-based animal and their bones therefore became unnecessary due to their newfound habits of not floating in the ocean and blowing water out of holes in their heads. The chimpanzees noticed the primitive whale's lack of proper whale bones and voluntarily donated them to the whale community. Brenton Haskell's theory is generally deemed "terribly uninformed" and "pseudoscientific" among his peers, although the video's popularity has garnered him a small cult following among teenage computer users.
Following the creation of whale bones, by whichever method one chooses to subscribe to, they were almost certainly put into a blender by either an all-powerful deity or a cosmic storm, as they were not sufficiently grated yet. When, as is most often the case, the operator of the blender left them in for just a bit too long and the whale bones turned into a sort of frothy mush, the resulting mixture was scrapped, and the bones were refashioned from scratch, this time using a manual vegetable dicer and a razor blade. The frothy whale bone mixture from the previously failed experiment was put into a jar in the refrigerator, where several people attempted to use it as a dip for tortilla chips, until Brian from Sales decided that it was much more apt as a salad dressing.
Later that day, Brian committed suicide by jumping out of a twenty-fourth story window onto a tremendously large bed of nails. When pressed for comment on why he had left the tremendously large bed of nails out on the lawn, the company's CEO was heard to remark that although it was an irresponsible decision on his part, the twenty-four story drop would have almost certainly killed Brian whether the nails had been there or not. Satisfied with this response, the local news media packed up their equipment and drove away, and everyone returned to work, leaving the bed of nails as it was in memoriam. The frothy dressing was never seen again.
Following this incident, whales began to exercise a much higher degree of caution when using their bones. This is presumably the reason that they live on in the ocean. Whales are intelligent creatures, and with great power comes great responsibility.
In popular science
Whale bones have been used to attempt to solve a number of conundrums plaguing scientists today. They have been proposed as a possible fuel for future excursions into the contemporary use of time travel. They have also been theorized as a pivotal piece in the puzzle of the origins of life itself. Furthermore, whale bones are currently being implemented by theoretical physicists at the University Of Colorado who are attempting, as most theoretical physicists are these days, to complete a final unified theory of everything, a set of mathematical equations and ideas that would hypothetically be able to link and explain every physical phenomenon in the universe, as well as being used to predict the outcome of any possible scientific experiment that could be run, in principle.
Whale bones' variety of uses and theorized uses, and their importance in the field of science, was perhaps best summed up by noted theoretical physicist and college professor Michio Kaku, when he was interviewed in late 2009, during a victory party celebrating the New York Yankees' World Series win over the Philadelphia Phillies, four games to two. Kaku, amidst the roar of party-goers and the haze of alcohol, had these words to say:
| “ | Tell me know something like there me a more. Regardless, I don’t care. Damn star whale bones of scotch bones. The talk about enough mileage! Wrong about is not whale bones; the extent to bones the discussion. I’m a ... I’m just writing a memory span between the ... for it. Trials of to write it could me to edit conflicting me ... It’s ... somebody HOLD me! Like, ideally people. And time to the channel to grind! | ” |
Kaku followed this statement by donning a helmet, fashioned from a cardboard box, and snatching up a skateboard that did not belong to him, which he proceeded to ride for a good six feet before slipping, collapsing violently to the floor, vomiting on the carpet, and falling asleep.
In contemporary art
Whale bones are notable for being the medium of choice for a number of Finnish and Croatian sculptors in good standing with the artistic community. Their work is often in an abstract vein, frequently crossing over into the extremely morbid. Because of this, psychologists have spent countless man hours trying to prove a connection between whale bones and insanity, but these endeavors have come up unanimously negative. It has since been postulated that anyone loony enough to sculpt art out of whale bones was probably already insane to begin with, tying up numerous loose ends and saving at least three men from serious third degree burns. When asked for comment, the three men's physicians stated that "The potential third degree burns were entirely unrelated. It's a shame, though. I so wanted to be included in an article about whale bones."
In 1986 Bob Dylan attempted to reinvent his image by forming a side project called Christopher Gilby And The Cacophonous Whale Bones. His identity as the eponymous lead singer and songwriter was kept a secret for as long as possible, in the interest of promoting unbiased artistic creativity within the group, who played a mix of circus music and industrial noise influenced by Indian ragas and Space Jazz, the 1982 soundtrack to L. Ron Hubbard's science fiction novel Battlefield Earth.
The veil of secrecy remained functional for only a short time, however, as Dylan's characteristically dissonant singing voice was immediately recognized by fans and music journalists on the group's lone self-titled LP, released in 1987. That year, following the publishing of a scathingly derisive review of the album in Rolling Stone Magazine, Bob Dylan burned all known copies in a tremendous bonfire that was visible from space. In lieu of the album's poor reception and subsequent extermination, over the next several years he proceeded to hunt down and murder each of the other members of the band by decapitation, followed by poisoning. Whenever questioned about this period of his career, Dylan typically drops into a trance-like state, mumbling curses at whale bones and their inspiration on his work. This has been thought to be one of the many causes for the lack of any very substantial amount of discussion of whale bones within contemporary society beyond the realm of theoretical physics, a fact especially distressing in the case of modern interpretations of the nature and history of Flarf.
See also
Species
- Furry: African giraffe • Baby Seal • Bear (Polar • Bipolar) • Cat (Daemonic • New Hampshire Merchant) • Elephant • Furries • Gazelle • Human • Otter • Sheep • Skunk • Slender Loris • Moose
Feathery: Birds • Chicken • Homing pigeon • Kingfisher • Peacock
Scaly: Corn snake • Fish • Goldfish • Salmon
Culture
- Slimey: Blue-ringed octopus • Frog • Pond Whales • Salamander • Sturgeon • Uterus
Creepy crawly • Ant • Cockroach • Lobster • Spider • Sun Bee • Wallet moth
Other: Balloon Animals • Gazebo • Grue • Toaster • Snipes • Womp
Media
- ...in science • Antbortion • An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters • Crypto-Zoology • Kinsey Report No. 3: Sexual Behavior in Hamsters • Tapheselachophobia • Whale bones
...as food: • Easter Bunny • Firesheep • Frog Semen • Kittens
...as... huh? • Kitten Huffing
Media