“Damnit, why the fuck do you fucking suck damn cocksucking fucking suck at cooking?”
Cooking... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food.
How many ways can the cook prepare chicken, beef, and pork before becoming a monotonous bore? Even McDonalds hasn't figured out how to resolve this problem. The process of selecting, measuring and combining of ingredients requires a pantry full of spices, most of which are used once in a lifetime and if not kept in alphabetical order, may become antiques shortly after the death of the cook. Factors affecting the final outcome have nothing to do with the cook, but with how willing she is to shop every other day for the 12 ingredients in every recipe which she doesn't keep on hand, i.e.: artichokes, eggplant, cumin, rutabaga, buttermilk, tahini, coriander, lemons, limes, oranges, cilantro (a weedy clump of leaves which has a vague odor of line dried laundry), and dillweed. 80% of most families incomes is funneled into foods one way or another.
The diversity of cooking worldwide is a reflection of the complete lack of collaboration amongst household cooks, and the lack of time to compare notes because they are too busy filling the stomachs of those who require 3 times the amount of food that they do. Studies have proven that women who don't have to feed children and husbands/boyfriends have 20 times the disposable income of their tied down counterparts. A woman can buy a diamond necklace and 3 gucci handbags with the money she doesn't have to fork out during football or NASCAR season if she lives alone.
History of Cooking[edit | edit source]
It is believed by most historians that during a night of extensive drinking, the French invented this curious art. Combining little more than wine, fire, and any closely available pet, these simpleminded peasants were able to create masterpieces for the pallet. Of course, this is complete horse shit. Prehistoric Indonesian cannibals invented cooking by accidentally setting local forests on fire and then devouring the charred people and beasts left behind, later re-enacting the event with fire pits. Although this is still practiced by some small cults scattered throughout the world, it is widely believed a form of paganism, and is merely folklore among commonplace folk. The invention of cold cereal, mayonnaise, pop tarts and the ever-popular microwave has nearly driven cannibalism to extinction.
Cooking has also noticeably been the ancient Catholic method for converting heathens into devout followers. This practice of Santeria was first devised by Socrates in the early 1980's coinciding the introduction of hair metal. Bands like Poison and Pantera were known for their ability to convert massive hordes of pre-teen school girls into walking cesspools of sexually transmitted diseases simply by creating trifles and other delicacies. Pantera in particular is famous for Cooking Hostile, a popular culinary Game Show. This is why we celebrate Kwanzaa.
Cooking 101[edit | edit source]
It's Friday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This article is as fresh as it gets.
Our cooking encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of one-use tools, and combinations of ingredients that are simply rearranged to disguise the same old monotonous food. Here you can learn our process of selecting, measuring and combining ingredients. But first, it requires is a pantry full of spices and a refrigerator full of fresh produce; chicken, beef, or pork, chicken, beef, or pork, and occasionally seafood, if you can afford it. People have suggested that you don't really have to make dinner and insist on ordering take-out and eating at restaurants. You need our help!
(Author's note: The stunts that you are about to perform are all designed and supervised by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous, and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Furthermore, the majority of cooks in the Yucatan Peninsula are homosexual. Side note cooking is a skill some do not have. Burning is a skill we all have. It is easy to burn food....and sometimes fun. All French cuisine is better burned, if it must be prepared at all.)
Presentation[edit | edit source]
A plate of food is the painting, and the rim of the plate is like the art critic who announces how important the painting will be to future art collectors. How the food is plated or arranged on the plate and garnished figures deeply into our reaction to it. It even affects how we think the food tastes. Presentation can fool the hungry hippocampus and make us think the food is delicious, when in fact it isn't. Think like an artist and strive for a convincing arrangement of colors, tastes and texture.
Picture juicy roasted red peppers, grilled stuffed chicken breasts on herb-flecked orzo with a drizzle of green pesto. Poached chicken breasts with mushroom gravy-esque slop, mashed potatoes and broiled cauliflower or smothered pork chops with white wine sauce and rice taste good, but are very boring to look at. Two or three colors on a plate are usually more interesting than just one. Pretty colors, like a rainbow, will dazzle the eyes and enhance the flavor of your dishes. We suggest cooking with chopped Skittles or Gobstoppers. And make sure to serve red meat rare, as blue as possible for the bright color!
Utensils[edit | edit source]
The utensils that are used to cook food often do more harm than good. Molecules of substances can leach from the utensil into the food that is being cooked. Four of the substances that are used in utensils are nonstick coated pans, cast iron, paper plates, and paper towels. All four have been associated with illness. According to Good Morning America, You're All Gonna Die!, an Nbc affiliate, the only way to avoid cancer from the foods you cook is to become anorexic. Since skinny mice live twice as long as fat people, cooking is irrefuteably a highly overated waste of time and not really necessary to fatass populations the world over.
News shows studies have proven that teflon causes cancer, as does tupperware, microwaves, grills, kitchen cabinets, vinyl kitchen floors and bacon. If you want to become a cook you should never use storage containers or beef. In fact, your kitchen is 20 times more contaminated than your bathroom so the best way to cook food is to steam it by wrapping it in
aluminum foil wax paper, placing it on a soap rack, and running the shower on hot for four hours. It's true. It was on the news.
On top of that, note that toxins can leach from the utensiles into your food.
In fact, your kitchen is twenty times more contaminated than your bathroom, so the best way to cook food is to steam it – wrap it in aluminum foil or wax paper, place it on a soap rack, and then run your shower on hot for four hours.
Colors[edit | edit source]
Two or three colors on a plate are usually more interesting than just one. Visualize the combination: poached chicken breasts with Campbells Cream of Mushroom Gravy-esque Soup, mashed potatoes, and steamed cauliflower. BORING. Or how about pork chops with Campbells Cream of Potato soup, and white rice? Would you like some white wine with that? Not only will the family pig out on such fare, but you will quickly have a grocery bill not unlike the US Army's in no time. Now picture roasted red peppers, grilled stuffed chicken breasts on herb-flecked orzo, and a drizzle of green pesto. Dazzling! But yucky. No one will want seconds but they'll think it was the greatest because of the pretty colors, like a rainbow, or skittles, or Gobstoppers, which is where they belong. If you want some color to your food, eat some red meat served rare, ya sissy!
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
The first thing you need to do is stock your pantry.
- Cat Litter
- Hot dog
- Hot cat
- Ice cream
- Pickle Rick
- Silica gel
- Suspicious white liquid
- Steaks, lots of steaks
- Strawberry Fields
TofuActually, no, not that
- Your mom
The actual cooking[edit | edit source]
Now that you have everything prepared, it is time to actually cook.
- Kill animal, vegetable, lawyer or politician of choice (Bonus if the politician is also a lawyer)
- Cut into little teeny pieces with knife
- Add pieces to pan with salt and pepper, to taste
- Put pan on stove (usually hot)
- Wait for William Shatner to run in screaming that you're doing it wrong
- Hit William Shatner over head with hot pan, dropping cooked contents on the floor
- Scoop most of cooked items back into pan while nobody's watching
- Garnish with parsley or chives
- Serve to unsuspecting guests, including William Shatner who is sporting a huge bump on his head and now can't remember anything about Star Trek
- Hear mama say "Terrific, even better than mama"
Alternative method[edit | edit source]
Much easier and more delicious method of acquiring nourishment.
- Call woman of choice
- Say the line "Woman get back in the kitchen. I'm HUNGRY"
- Come back in an hour
- Sidenote: if the cooker is not of the non-penial sex, it usually ends up shitty. Undoubtedly, cooking is not a masculine element.
Secrets your grandmother, mother, and mother-in-law never told you because they want you to keep sucking at cooking[edit | edit source]
Face it, life is a competition, especially among family members. Women in particular will rule the roost even if it means changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version the one that made everyone sick, unlike the mother-in-law version which was raved about even to the grave. Well, here is your antidote to the mysteries of the kitchen. Tips your mama never shared but which will make life in the kitchen slightly more bearable.
Slicing onions without crying[edit | edit source]
Although some people suggest keeping your mouth closed to prevent tears, the most effective way is actually to keep your eyes closed while slicing. That way the onion fumes won't get into your tear glands in the first place.
Frying lean meats[edit | edit source]
To avoid drying out lean cuts of meat containing only 7% fat, simply fry the meat in 1/2 cup of oil.
Twiced Baked Potatoes[edit | edit source]
Bake potatoes @ 350 for 45 mins. Repeat.
How to determine if an egg is hardboiled[edit | edit source]
Spin the egg on the counter. If it stands up on its end it's boiled. If it splatters all over the floor, it isn't.
Ants in the sugar[edit | edit source]
This problem is fairly easy to solve. Simply place a black widow spider in the sugar container along with the ants and they will all be gone the following morning.
Green eggs and ham[edit | edit source]
It's been one year and finally you finished off that jar of hamburger pickles. Don't throw away the pickle juice. Put your peeled hardboiled eggs in the pickle jar and wait another year. You will now have green eggs preserved for yet another year at which time you may serve them with ham, thereby extending the lifespan of a jar of pickles by three years. These are the kind of savings you simply won't hear of anywhere else.
Cooking Around the World[edit | edit source]
Despite common misbelief, almost the entire population of the world other than the United States eats curry everyday. Even with the great wealth of different cooking styles and countless exotic foods, many people tend to eat only comfort food or foods with easy preparation. Now with the turn of the new millennium, "epicureans" or "foodies" have developed more discerning pallets and a penchant for unusual cooking techniques with a taste for foreign dishes. Perhaps you are epicuruious? As a rough guide to get you started, below is a list of popular types of food from different countries:
- Australia – Fosters
- Canada – Maple syrup
- China – General Tso's chicken
- Columbia – Cocaine
- England – Crumpets
- France – Frickasette
- Germany – Borscht
- Greenland – Snow
- Iceland – Orange sherbet
- India – Curry
- Mexico – Mordor Jalapeños
- Russia – Vodka
- Scotland – Haggis
- USA – McDonald's