“Any and every occasion calls for asparagus, even afternoon Sociology 216 lectures”
“Asparagus makes your piss stink”
“Asparagus makes your piss stink?!?!?”
Asparagus are a type of vegetable obtained from one species within the genus Asparagus, specifically the young shoots of Asparagus officinalis. It has been used from very early times as a culinary vegetable, owing to its delicate flavour and diuretic properties. There is a recipe for cooking asparagus in the oldest surviving book of recipes, but because another ingredient in this recipe is human flesh, it is not known to have been prepared in modern times.
White asparagus is cultivated by watering it solely with the blood of human virgin males. For this reason, asparagus farmers are rumoured to have set up a series of MySpace pages designed to lure the unwary into what they believe are vampire-themed live-action role-playing games.
Reports of a "black asparagus" are lesser-known, although persistent. In the H. P. Lovecraft story "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward," John Merrit pulls down a book labelled Qanoon-e-Islam from Joseph Curwen’s bookshelf and discovers to his disquiet that it is actually a black asparagus.
Approximately 7 million hectares of prime asparagus crops were decimated by a fungal blight in 1848, leading to the Great Asparagus Famine of 1848-1849. May 25 is Jour d'Asperge: a day of celebration in northern France dedicated to the 1849 restoration of the asparagus fields. In 2004 (the most recent year for which we have accurate records) over 1,000 metric tons of Hollandaise were consumed during the festivities.
Uses[edit | edit source]
Personal Use[edit | edit source]
As well as being a type of vegetable, asparagus is also considered to be the most popular nose-picking tool in history, having the flowerlike top on. Most people who use asparagus to pick their nose like to eat the asparagus afterwards. Examples of famous people who pick their nose with asparagus before eating the asparagus include George W. Bush, Russell Crowe, Queen Elizabeth, Tom Hanks and Elton John
Medicinal Use[edit | edit source]
Some of the constituents of asparagus are metabolised and excreted in the urine, giving it a distinctive, mildly unpleasant odor. Consumption of this "green wee" (or "GW" as it is also referred to) is said to confer a host of medical benefits, including relief from acne, increased hair and nail growth, night vision, and lucid dreaming (however, this last benefit occurs only when consuming the green wee of another).
Bathing in "green wee" confers additional benefits, such as relief from glaucoma and certain neurological illnesses such as epilepsy, migraine, bipolar disorder and erectile dysfunction. Purported beneficiaries of the 'GW cure' include Mohandas Gandhi, Jim Morrison, Steve McQueen and Jerry A. Taylor, city manager of Tuttle, OK, which (not coincidentally) has the nation's largest spa dedicated to green wee therapeutics.
The prescription drug Weevex, a sublingual spray derived from green wee, has been approved in Canada for treatment of multiple sclerosis and various OCD disorders (sleep eating, et al.). This drug is pending FDA approval, although brisk black market Weevex sales are rumored.
Abuse[edit | edit source]
Funneling is a term for the act of using a large funnel (in this case colloquially referred to as a wee bong) to consume large amounts of GW very quickly, the point being to increase and speed the medicinal effects until a state known as "weeout" is attained, at which point the medical benefits will abruptly reverse. It is a somewhat popular hazing ritual on college or university campuses and among young people all over the world.
Another record of Asparagus Abuse is the freaky abnormal asparagus fetish aka, the FAAF disease. The only recorded case is of the creators of the Porongraphic site Neopets, who obsess and jerk off to asparagus.
Asparagus in Pop Culture[edit | edit source]
VeggieTales, a series of children's books and computer animated videos conveying Christian ideals to children via humorous, anthropomorphic vegetable-shaped characters, features an asparagus character, Archibald.
Archibald Asparagus was the focus of a controversy in 1999 due to his English accent and eccentric mannerisms. A February 1999 article in the National Liberty Journal, published by Jerry Falwell, warned parents that Archibald could be a hidden gay symbol, saying "[h]e is green—which we know is the color that gay men wear on Thursday, and he wears a bow tie, and speaks with a prissy British lilt." In one episode, Archibald is seen receiving sodomy.
This opinion immediately loses merit, seeing as how most asparagus are indeed green, therefore killing his point about Archibald's "skin" colour. Not to mention that many vegetables in VeggieTales are, well, green.
Verification is still needed to prove that he received sodomy in any of his appearances in VeggieTales. Seeing as how the cast of the show consists of produce, this act would most likely be deemed impossible by a vast majority.
Also, Ewan McGregor eats babies.
A strange man living in his mother's basement who was involved in the making of the show "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" claims a deleted episode of the show proposed a number of theories on the origin of asparagus:
- It is a reincarnation of Satan
- It is spinach which has absorbed hell-fire
- It is a hybrid created by Them with the pupose of killing or brain-washing victims
- It is the only thing left of a person after a "Charlie bit me!" attack
- It is concentrated evil that has decided to #$%*& your stomache
Statistics[edit | edit source]
Asparagus accounts for approximately 97.5% of the international death toll.
The other 11% of deaths are caused by a lack of asparagus.