This article smells funny...
...and has been awarded a pine-scented air freshener.
A properly prepared turd burger, also known as a shit sandwich in parts of rural Appalachia, is truly a wonderful culinary experience. The sandwich consists of three main parts: bread, turd and vegetables. A turd burger is often prepared at the workplace by the most senior employee (or the Office Smartass) who then subsequently informs all other employees that everyone is going to have to take a bite.
A standard turd burger can be made with any bread. However, extensive research has found that hoagie rolls, french bread, or hotdog buns work the best. Food researchers are currently studying the taste and longevity of using tortillas or pittas as alternative bread choices.
As you may or may not know, turds - according to The Epicurean's Field Guide, the definitive text on the subject - are "known to have an unusually strong aroma, ...are highly prized for their unique texture and flavour". Therefore, it is advisable to purchase the finest and freshest turds from your local grocery or fine foods store. If top quality Grade-A turds are not available in your area, another great place to find turds is on CNN.
Standard vegetables for a turd burger include:
- iceberg lettuce
- tomato (Yes, I know it's technically a fruit. Fuck off, Alton Brown)
- red onion
- dog hair
- green pepper
- one Grade-A turd
While it is customary to serve the sandwich with vegetables, it is acceptable (according to purists) to serve a turd burger without any vegetable accompaniments.
Turd Burger Assembly
If you wish to make your own turd burger, please follow the instructions below.
1. Get your shit together.
Gather the ingredients for the sandwich.
Make sure to wash the dirty vegetables.
2. Properly cook the turds.
In some places, they smoke the turds, while in others they deep fry them.
However you prepare them, be sure not to let them marinate too long beforehand.
3. Slice the bread or bun.
4. Assemble the sandwich.
Spread the buns (or bread) and gently stuff it with the vegetables and turds.
Serving Size: 1 Sandwich
Composition: 100% Turd (Not including toppings and bun)
Servings Per Container: 1
Calories from turds: 94
Calories from fat: 42
Total fat: 30g
Sat. fat: 10g
Trans fat: 0g
Total Carbohydrate: 45g
Dietary Fiber: 12g
Potassium: 60 mg
Allergy Information: May contain nuts and other chunks.