UnNews:Prince Charles wants to ban McDonald's
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 March 2007
LONDON, ENGLAND - Prince Charles, more a confirmed vegetarian than he is a confirmed bachelor (having had an affair with Camilla Parker-Bowles while wed to Diana Spencer in a marriage of convenience) has recommended that his country ban McDonald's after discovering that the fast-food giant’s food contains both animal products and animal byproducts.
According to Charles, whom the fast-food franchise's spokesclown, Ronald McDonald, has dubbed "Prince Upchuck” and "Prince Chuckles", the restaurant chain “if one may call it that” sells hamburgers that “actually contain bits of dead cow carcass.” The franchise also sells “fish burgers, if one can imagine such a thing,” Charles added, “that actually contain dead fish,” and “chicken testicles, which they refer to as Chicken McNuggets.” Charles was “incensed”, insiders said, to learn that McDonald’s may also introduce a “pork burger” that contains “the dead flesh of our porcine friends.”
The prince believed, until he toured a McDonald’s in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, that the franchise served only soy products. “The fact that the Yanks are actually allowing this so-called restaurant to put animal flesh in their products is disgusting and vile,” he said. “It’s also unhealthful.” An additional reason for banning McDonald’s from England, if not the entire United Kingdom, Charles contended, is that its name is Scottish.
The United Arab Emirates is afflicted with the world’s second-highest incidence of diabetes per capita, and outlawing McDonald’s would cure the Arab nation’s sick in a few months, the prince said, adding, “More importantly, it would save the lives of million, perhaps billions, of cows, fish, chickens, and pigs.” (How many pigs might be saved as a result of such a ban is questionable, as Islam, the state religion of the United Arab Emirates, prohibits the consumption of pigs in one's diet - although it allows the beheading of innocent human beings for dubious political purposes.)
The heir to the British throne is concerned that, “if strict sanctions are not taken against McDonald’s, they’ll be serving squirrel, snake, rat, and polecat next. They already have dog on their Mexican menus.”
"Like the Chinese, Mexicans happen to like dog," Ronald McDonald said. "As a business, we must cater to our customers' tastes. No matter how uncivilized or bizarre they might be."
Told that Charles, whose multi-million-dollar Highgrove Estate has a farm that allows the use of no artificial pesticides or fertilizers, including manure, advocates healthful eating, Ronald McDonald said, “Prince Upchuck’s comments have no bearing upon us or what’s on our menu, especially when one considers they‘re made by a representative of a country whose cuisine includes blood pudding and kidney pie. Besides, he wears a skirt.”
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