Blood
“Your hands are stained with it.”
“Hey man this shit tastes good!”
“Wasn't Charlie Sheen president at one point?”
Blood is a slightly salty but infinitely thirst-quenching beverage. It was invented by Nivek Ogre of the musical jazz trio Skinny Puppy. It tastes like irony. It can be found in some people's urine. Raygen's blood is blue. He was thought to be the only human to have true blue blood until a fiar dinkum crocodile handler was stung by a ray.
Bathing in it can grant you eternal life (cf. Kool-Aid Man). According to some, so can drinking it (see Jesus Juice).
Blood is also used to dilute alcohol in the human body. The blood to alcohol ratio is usually less than 1%, unless you are of Russian descent, whose blood consists of a relatively large percentage of the element vodkum.
It was also believed that for a time Blood was actually Jam, causing the great Jam famine of '89.
Blood is regarded as the ink of choice for businessmen and politicians, usually in the Oil or Defense industries, to sign contracts with other businessmen and politicians. Noted peoples of the world who use blood for ink include: George W Bush, Frank the Floor sweep and Santa.
In some cases, people with Blue Blood can be found, or different colors. It depends on the planet you're from. Vulcan's, for example, are known to bleed green. WHAT IS THIS SHIT.
Prussians have blue blood. When you see a Prussian, you'd better bend over and lick his boots, otherwise they might choose to show you exactly how red your own blood is.
Homosexualls on the other hand have rainbow colored blood which changes colors upon contact with air, leading some women to go out and murder homosexualls and harvest their blood so that they may dye their clothes in it and assure that no two women are wearing the same color outfit at the same time.
Blood types[edit | edit source]
Actually, this is a lie. Blood cannot type because it is a liquid and simply runs down the cracks in any standard keyboard and cause them to short-circuit by an overload of disgust. If blood really could type, would it not write to defend itself? I just want to make it clear that blood does not type.
The Japanese are totally obsessed with blood types and assign one to very single video game character, even robots. EVEN. ROBOTS. And a kid named Gus Anderson is obsessed with "blood and Gutz man"
Types of blood[edit | edit source]
There are five main types of blood: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green and Sepia. These are further divided into the subgroups positive, negative, neutral, imaginary and compound, with random letters thrown in such as q or purple. The rarest blood group is Blue negative because it gives the largest mana boost. Also noteworthy is the fact that people with Yellow negative blood can only receive blood transfusions from themselves between the hours of midnight and 2am, and do not love Raymond. Each of these blood types is determined by their Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Factor™ and can only be solved with the mystery decoder ring found within each box!
The Gang[edit | edit source]
The Bloods are one of the Los Angeles, California street gangs. They identify themselves with a complicated color-based system of dress, and their gang symbol is that of a majestic unicorn descending from a rainbow-bannered cloud. The gang was originally formed by Black Jesus in order to combat the evil reign of the Crips (CKrabs) street gang. The Bloods are made up out of various sub-groups known as "huddles" or "splees" between which significant differences exist such as underwear type and breakdancing styles. Since their formation, the Blood gangs have branched out throughout the United States, and have even influenced youth movements using the same name in Malaysia and Antarctica (penguins).
Background[edit | edit source]
Los Angeles was a horrifying place in the early 1970s. The notorious gangbanger, the Crypt Keeper (a.k.a "Crip-Keepa") had allowed his criminal brotherhood known as the Crips to run wild. On August 3rd, 1970, a confused new Crips recruit accidentally huffed newborn baby Jamie Kennedy. This led to widespread civilian riots protesting the vulgarities of the Crips as well as the increasing the popularity of baby huffing among the Crips. The woes caused by the Crip Empire were worldwide, but Black Jesus knew that he would have to smite the geographical core of the gang's operations in order to destroy them. The Bloods were founded by Black Jesus and the Council of Bloods on May 27th, 1971. At the meeting, the assembled group discussed how to combat Crip intimidation, along with the creation of a new alliance to counter the Crips. Some of the founding members of the Bloods rumored to be present at this secret meeting include such notable figures as Joseph Stalin, the Kool-Aid Man, Red Green, Bob Hollway, and Santa Claus. It is also rumored that, during this very first counsel meeting, the original Bloods were able to decipher the utmost deep-seeded secret of the Crips, their so-called "color" system. During this session, they decided to create an equally complex coloring system that would unite them as an organization. It is not widely known why the name "Bloods" was chosen for the group. Oral rumor has it that Black Jesus once did battle with the Crypt Keeper in the time before times. This battle allegedly resulted in the creation of LSD, the spontaneous birth of Oscar Wilde, and the Crypt Keeper's loss of a circulatory system. According to legend, Black Jesus poured the Keeper's blood into a large crystal vessel which he later animated with the soul of Booker T. Washington. It is said that this vessel lives on today in the form of Bloods charter member Kool-Aid Man (a.k.a. "Booka T").
Gang Culture[edit | edit source]
When gang member find the need to communicate secretly with fellow and rival members alike, a complex system of finger, wrist, and limb contortions is used. Cultural anthropologist Nathan Lane coined the term "fingashizzle" to describe this system. Bloods members have been known to either kill, defecate upon, fornicate with, or join in wedlock with unaware passerbys who have mistakenly performed specific fingashizzle gestures without knowing they had done so. This phenomenon accounts for 100% of gang violence worldwide.
