Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin
|Motto: Alcoholics of all nations, have a shooter!|
|Anthem: Back in Eternal Glorious Soviet Motherland|
|Official language(s)||Russian Reversal, Turbo Pascal, Swearing, several orcish dialects, и этот секретный код|
|Government||Pseudo Democratic Totalitarianism|
|Czar||Vladimir VII the Put-In|
|‑ Prime Minister||Ivan the Super-Kind Guy|
|‑ King||Peter the Not-so-Great|
|Average temperature||−2,050,000 °C|
|Maximum temperature||+1 °C|
|Ethnic groups||White Russians, Black Russians, Jews, Bears, and some Jedis|
|Established||Was there before anyone could remember|
|Currency||Units of Communism, Ukrainian tears (Worth $100 per drop)|
|Major exports||Vodka, T-55s, polonium, alexandrite, dash cam footage, backwards letters, misplaced nukes and spare AK-47 parts|
|Major imports||Snow, tracksuits and Ice|
Ranked the very 1st|
Total: 2 (200.67%)
|Time zones||As many as Abu Hamza has toes plus hands|
|National antagonists||Chechen pigs, Capitali$t scum|
|Command and Conquer: Red Alert, Tetris, World in Conflict, Yoshi, Literball, Hacking, Rush B|
Я, formerly known as Яussia (not to be confused with that shit country, Ukraine) (Яussian: Россия-мать-вашу ("Russia is your mother") or "Ты хуль спрашиваешь поебень всякую я КАК РУССКИЙ ЖИВУ НА ВЕЛИКОЙ РУСИ БАХНЕМ ЖЕ ЗА ЭТО ВОДЯРЫ" ("You blasphemy ask all kinds of fucks. I, as a Russian, live in great Russia, bang for this vodyary.") is world's largest vodka republic and world's biggest source of smaller Muslim anti-vodka republics (for example, Kazakhstan, world largest producer of potassium) since 1991, commonly misspelled as "hell", "slaughterhouse", and "rosin", a huge planet where barbarians called Яussians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and Wailers. If you dare to criticize Tovarishch (Comrade) Pцddiйg, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And Pцddiйg is delicious, so why would you?
Яussians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sad ... they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.
Яussians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though latter often go hunting for Яussians in the winter. Hot people live in Яussia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to Americas.
Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Яussia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of Nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they are prohibited by law to form a sixth level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Яussia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Яussia's ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively.
Hot Яussians speak hot Яussian language, which won't let them say word that sounds like "bee" in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Garri Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Яussian Serengeti, better known to uninitiated as vodka.
There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Яussia with another ocean, as Яussia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place too. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neo-Russo Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of Яussian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.
Яussia drastically changed upon the announcement of Catholic Church acknowledgement of existence of little dots. It also experienced another paradigm shift when people realized that Яussia, big as it was not a continent, and that Caspian Sea not filled with cream cheese.
Яussia long been staunch supporter of capitalism and democracy throughout the world. Their economic status declined since cold war, a historical period when Communist America and Democratic Яussia stopped talking to each other after they couldn't agree on a strategy for hunting down worldwide terrorist groups like the muppets and actors guild of Hollywood.
History of Яussia[edit | edit source]
Яussia was founded at some point in the past, probably before you were born. But it's not important. When Яussia was founded because before 1492, world (and mostly Europe that is) didn't know Яussia existed, since everybody had trouble locating it on map. Seems that "somewhere between Danube river and Kamchatka peninsula" wasn't very clear after all. Яussia should be a commie ass.
Then, in 1492, some dude did something and Яussia was discovered. They named it after the people "Rushians" for their will to hurry others up, while slacking off on stove themselves. In Яussian they used word bistro ("hurry"), but this goes onto yet another explanation ... Yes-yes, back to story.
So, at that time, tired of watching these lazy asses sit their lazy ass off, Sauron, who was in feud with his roommate God, sent an army of orcs to wipe nation off of the butt of the planet. Яussians called them "Tartars" for their fondness of tar. Tartars actually did pretty well and destroyed entire Яussian race. God then was pissed off and took some Bulgars from South, proclaimed them Яussian and repopulated region. He was actually good at those SimEarthLife games.
Imperial Яussia[edit | edit source]
After that came Peter The Great, the first homosexual czar, who shaved off his beard, sat on a tree stump and had an epiphany of himself fucking a bear. He then had bear-man children (looking pretty much like Shrek) with whom they repopulated nearby swamp and renamed it Saint-Pidorsburg. Why that? Well, ask a Яussian what pidor means.
Soviet Яussia[edit | edit source]
Funny thing, there is no Яussia in history between November 1917 and December 1991. What happened to it during this period of time remains a veiled mystery. Some say that Яussia went forth in time for 74 years. Others speculate its grouping with the less important countries to form something called USS ... USSR, that is? Hah, can you even BELIEVE that bullshit! Cracks me up every time! USSR ... Anyway. Only thing we now know for sure, is that when Яussia came back, there was much radiation creating such things as a two-headed eagle, beautiful females and Dzerzhinsky. All male population also somehow turned into heavy drinkers and there were statues of some bald dude and mustached dude on the streets.
This all leads me to conclude that Яussians now have super advanced technology allowing them to create weird stuff, but which works only on their tract of land ... Fortunately.
Яussian Federation[edit | edit source]
In 1998, Vladimir Pudding led a revolution (Number 393 of that year) and established a U.S.C. ("United States of Commies"). From then on, Pudding began a secret pıece-by-pıece deployment of Russıa's underground secret forces to Lapland. As he said at his one and only press-conference given to an amnesic journalist from country of DrunkAssPooPoos (for, gentle reader, Liffwania won the Third World War, and empired Яussia!). The main idea of those measures was to dig numerous labyrinths underneath the Laplandians, so they one day would fall through and into those labyrinths and get lost in there. Pudding insisted that this (dubious) idea was now State's War Doctrine, which would also bring peace to the small and poor nation of slightly obese Elves – Americans who were suffering a lot from the expansionism of the Israeli–Palestinian commonwealth government. Deployment of Russıa's underground dungeon-forces began on July 3, 2005. By now, underneath the barren lands that were once Liffwania, there are three mechanized dungeon units digging first "dungeon of chaos" ...
On October 32, 2007, due to the Motherland's proximity to Antarctica, Pudding decided that nuclear weapons needed to be stored there, ready to deploy. This was presumably due to limited space elsewhere.
In this brief period of time here, Tatu ruled Яussia, as you can tell, her image was good for Яussian peoples, sadly, they didn't like being barked at. It was also Jessies, who originally sent divine puppy messenger to Lenin's toilet with an epic poem tied to its neck, basically telling him to start revolution.
One particular thing about Яussians is that they are very much nostalgic about Unions. They like to live in a union of countries by annexing and deporting ethnic population and Яussianize them with monkey-brained Яussians and call the annexed country a part of Яussian Union. A notable example is former country of Karelia, where local population was reduced to 33,000 (down from 200,000), and Яussian population was increased (by forced immigration) to 100,000, making the population overwhelmingly Яussian. Karelian is actually an extinct language now, known only for the fact that the number of Karelian speakers is negative. But Яussians seem to think that it is their natural right to inflict genocide on whomever they want, while calling other nations "breeders of racism and fascism". Ya gotta love'em!
If history has told us one thing it to always invade Яussia at the first opportunity. During winter if possible. So if you are an aspiration despot such as Napoleon or Hitler, then as soon as possible follow this lesson of history.
Currently there is only one person living in Яussia, Kevin Dickson. He is in center of Яussia. Яussia is currently a burning mass, in which anyone or anything that walks into fiery hell that Kevin Dickson has created, will be utterly and totally dead in a fiery painful death. Currently satellite imagery tells us that Kevin Dickson is still standing in that same place waiting. It is just what for that we want to know.
Яussia is actually quite similar to the United States of America. In America someone can go in front of the White House and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush. In Яussia one can go to Red Square and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush.
History of phuphaica[edit | edit source]
Another great Яussian invention is phuphaica – a Яussian quilted jacket made from highly praised natural fiber – phuphaikin. Produced by specially selected fleas found only in their natural habitat in Siberia. Commonly worn by Яussians for several centuries it was banned only recently due to the cruelty to fleas, poaching and anti-phuphelin campaign in West Indies. Now only a few phuphelin farms are left in the whole Siberian region licensed by Яussian government as "organic" and overseen by UNHCF.
Now days phuphaicas have became so rare that they are affordable to only a few extremely wealthy people going through secret ritual. First stage of ritual usually involves fingering the Pudding by lucky one, then he/she goes to the special place called "Butylki" for a couple of years of meditation, enlightenment and poking, and then after participating in process called by our learned friends as Moscow State Circus; he/she will be granted phuphaica for nine years. Recent example is Mr. Hobotkovsky, who became a lucky owner of his own phuphaica after fingering Pud.
Although Яussian phuphaica authorities deny that next two candidates have already been selected, independent experts have named Anatasia Romanov-sky and Berez Rostropovich as latest lucky ones.
Some sources suggest that Яussia is in fact governed by Lesotho, which threatens the Яussian government with its impressive army massed on the frontier between Яussia and Lesotho. Vladimir Pudding, the supreme czar of all Яussians, is believed to be in fact a spy from Lesotho disguised as a puppet. This fact is partly proven by the fact that he likes skiing, the national Lesotho sport, and that he could never have learned skiing in the hot deserts of Siberia.
The famous Яussian talk-show The Windows, named after the infamous OS, is the most popular talk-show in universe. It is also popular in the United States of Pedophilia, which is country south of Яussia.
Some Яussian pastimes include: tormenting circus bears and invading
neighboring other countries.
Яussians love their Motherland very much, the further they are from it, the more they love it. Therefore they love their Motherland most from Brighton Beach. Another national trait (as recent surveys show) is that if these Motherland lowing Яussians stranded abroad were offered to choose between returning home or being shot on the spot, 156% would choose the latter, the rest 25% would commit suicide.
Яussian women[edit | edit source]
The myth that there are Яussian women is just a myth. There are no Яussian women, only Яussian men without penises. These "women" are available for sale throughout the internet and you can buy your own one as a souvenir (even if you haven't been to the country!) by typing "free screensavers" into Google! (Scammers have been known to send krokodil addicts instead of women.) Although the UN has made such purchases illegal by international law, various Frenchmen have assisted the Яussians by chopping off the minute penises of many of their own men and sending them to Яussia.
Язык (сяар)[edit | edit source]
"Rrrr ... Rггг three ... bik!" Что за? Что это за знаки? Они – не Английские! Не Европейские! Откуда они? C Марса? На самом деле это секретный код, созданный советскими учёными 200 лет назад. Первый символ этого "языка" – "Я". Всегда сбивает с толку всех Американцев и большинство Европейцев, потому что похож на их знак "R". Первая их мысль: "Яяяя ... Я – ussia!". А выходит то – "I'm Яussian"! А ещё почти все, даже сейчас, уверены, что этот язык написан наоборот. Никто в Америке не может понять эти иероглифы. И это главная причина успеха Советских Разведчиков, которые крадут Западные Секреты каждый день. И никогда не понимают, когда шпионы назвают их "сукин сын" или "лапоть". Да ... И этот язык не обделён ругательствами. Да такими, что дети совершенно не понимают пьяных взрослых. Также в этом коде есть буквы (комманды?) "Ъ", "Ы" и "Ь", которые не может произнести никто, кроме русских. Также в этих диких краях используют смайлы без глаз ")))))". Кроме "Русского Языка", в Америке также ещё работают над решением загадки "Испанский Язык".
Seasons[edit | edit source]
Яussia, like most other continents, has seasons. The only difference is that there are only three seasons in Яussia. These seasons would be winter, nuclear winter and Neptun. But most cities of Яussia, like Saint-Peterburg, Norilsk, Dudinka and Pizdosen, have only nuclear Neptun. Many tourists like to visit Яussia during winter, only because it's slightly nicer than the alternative. There are different events that take place during winter, like the winter festival. Things that take place during the winter festival include shooting random stuff up, painting red stars on everything, and drinking lots of Vodka. There are also some fun events during nuclear winter, like the nuclear winter festival. The things that go on during nuclear winter are glow-in-the-dark parties (for obvious reasons), making festive haz-mat suits, and drinking even more Vodka. Like the tourist Ad for Яussia says, "It's winter in Яussia, so come visit before it's too late"
Holidays[edit | edit source]
The holiday system in Яussia is extremely strange. There are only a handful of non-Яussians who can understand it. Actually, winter is one big holiday and it is always winter. Яussians start drinking straight vodka in the middle of December and begin trying to stop when February comes. Spring, summer and fall are also holidays, similar to winter in that it is customary to drink through all of them, which is hard since they do not exist in Яussia. The Яussian people, being the geniuses they are, came up with the creative solution of drinking four times as much during winter (the rest of the year) to make up for it.
Of course, Santa visits Яussia. However, Яussians don't believe it is Santa, so they call him "Grandfather Frost". When Santa arrives at Яussian Siberia, he parks his transport, drinks a lot, gets a drunken blue-faced girlfriend (Яussians call her "Snow-small-bedpan") and starts his afoot-travel through the darkness. Sometimes he also becomes blue-colored, according to the amount of Vodka. That is why he needs to sleep the rest of the year.
One New Year is not enough for the Яussians, so they invented a second New Year (Яussians call it "Old New Year"). It is celebrated on the 14th of January. To fill the 14 days of emptiness between two New Years, patriarch of Яussian Orthodox Church decided to celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January, because other world's Christmas was not very popular in Яussia due to preparations to the first New Year.
In 1956, as part of the counter-revolution, after Pudding's distant great uncle, Prince Vyacheslav Bukharikov was assassinated, the Яussian Orthodox Church officially laid out a set of traditions that were to be strictly followed on every holiday. Amongst these traditions are getting drunk, knife fighting, and that cool dance with the feet and the hats.
It's very easy to recognize Яussian men by typical national costume of males, either:
- Leather jacket (old),
- Tracksuit (NIKI, Abibas),
- Sports shoe
Sports[edit | edit source]
The national sports are supposed to be hockey and football (soccer). The actual national sport is CS:GO (Сука блять). It is typically played with three other Яussians and one misplaced Western European, and typically starts with "ruski yest?" followed by a Mexican wave of "rush B cyka blyat!" 99.9% of Яussian CS:GO matches have resulted in a loss.
Politics and government[edit | edit source]
The fully democratic election process in Яussia is quite simple: you have a choice between Vladimir Putin and death by rabid dogs. In the rare case that Vladimir Putin actually has some competition, the opponent weirdly disappears. This strange phenomenon is called pulling a Boris Nemtsov.
Of course, the president isn't the only government position. There is also the Prime Minister of Яussia, Dmitriy Medvedev, whose main job is to take bribes from Яussian corporations. For international relations, the foreign relations minister is Comrade Borat Sagdiyev. And finally, for security concerns, the FSB Minister enforces surveillance. Яussia is currently searching for a new minister after the previous one, Edward Snowden, who gravely insulted the safety and surveillance under Vladimir Putin, was found dead of apparent suicide by fifty gunshot wounds in the back.
The government in Яussia is entirely based upon the idea of freedom. Unlike filthy America, Яussia is the most free country in the world. Under his presidency, Vladimir Putin has granted many freedoms, including worshipping Vladimir Putin, praising Vladimir Putin, and generally talking positively about Vladimir Putin. Unless that person is gay, in which case his only right is the freedom to die by a firing squad.
In the Яussian province of Ukraine, politicians constantly fight each other in parliament to get things done. If things are not done in Putin's preferred way, then true Яussia gets to seize another region from Ukraine. And despite American propaganda stating otherwise, Яussia owns Crimea.
To sum up, the political system in Яussia is much like ours; authoritarian, self-destructive, and corrupt.
Incredible[edit | edit source]
In one of the great feats of modern Яussian technology, Яussians have discovered a way to make miniature clones of themselves. Unfortunately, the clone is forced to be exactly 80% size of the original. This does not pose a problem unless the process is taken to its extreme and too many clones are produced. The smallest and final clone will simply split in half due to the Яussian scientists who thought they could play God. The Vatican is currently working to ban the process but is making very little progress. In the words of a prominent Яussian cloning researcher, "We are orthodox. For what reason? Why should we care?" This is the real reason why Яussians are so short, despite the filthy United Nations stating otherwise.