UnBooks:All about pee (P)

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The novel, All about pee is also available in paperback.
"Highly" stylized Book cover
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! That's not beer! 
Aw, piss, I'm piss, that jar is piss, EVERYTHING IS PISS! 
– Sniper from TF2
Ew. I hate pee. 

Experts have disagreed on the controversial question which has hounded mankind for centuries: peepee or pee pee? One word or two? I'm guessing two, but can you ever really be sure? We'll just use pee in this book for the sake of brevity.

Commonly used among hikers as a liquid hydrant, pee, or urine as it is colloquially known, can almost always be easily accessed for self-consumption. Male mammals have the ability to aim this refreshing drink directly into their mouths, but most females might need a cup or funnel system.

There is not a single person on this great planet of ours that has not tried pissing yellow liquid out of his penis, making it the third most popular choice of activities following sleeping, and eating.

File:Sprung a leak.JPG
Currently, France is making public urination a sport, with the attempt to get it entered as an event in the Summer Olympics. Pissed off, pissed on, pissing for gold-plated plastic platinum trophies--those French!

P the letter[edit | edit source]

P is the 72nd letter of the alphabet. It is widely known for being the raunchiest, naughtiest letter, most likely due to its association with the word "Pee." Various Christian family groups have been fighting to have the letter censored for over 50 years now, with varying success. The letter P made its first appearance in John Ash's 1775 A New and Complete Alphabet Book, listed as a "low" and "vulgar" letter. It wasn't until 1880, however, with the publishing of the D.H. Lawrence novel Lady Chatterdale's Lover, that the letter was extensively used for the first time. The letter immediately caused outrage upon its introduction to the English language due to the extensive giggling it caused (giggling was considered an outrage until the early 1940's). The letter P has also been proven to make people feel fat.

The Purging of Pee[edit | edit source]

File:Tarot Belgijski - A5 - Bachus.jpg
Simply cut a hole in the top of the barrel.

Having to pee is a deadly and dangerous plague-like disease that almost all people will get at some point in their life. There is no cure for having to pee - one can only delay the inevitable. The disease will track you down in the dead of night and at the most awkward of moments, it will find you, and it will kill you[1]

Having to pee is one of the only things that has plagued mankind from the beginning of time[2]  There are many symptoms of having to pee, here are just a few:

  • Panic attacks
  • Existential Angst
  • Doing the potty dance
  • Denial: You deny the urge to pee and continue to do whatever you are doing and try to "hold it in" camel-style.
  • Anger: You realize that you have to pee, and cannot ignore it forever. This makes you angry, as you are currently playing an video game and don't want to throw your match.
  • Peeing: You have waited for too long and have now peed yourself. But it won't be too messy if you're in a nursing home or wear diapers for the hell of it.

How to pee properly[edit | edit source]

NOTE: the following does not apply to pooping.

Drink several cups of tea. If you don't like tea, cups of someone else's pee can be substituted under proper supervision (see the section: "How to drink pee"). Five or six cups should do the trick, although one can of Mountain Dew has been proven to have the same effect. Straighten up your genitals and relax. Just let it loose. It should come out in a clear yellowish stream.

Main pee positions[edit | edit source]

He's no Jon LaJoie but his producer is Master P.
The proper way to pee with an erection.

How to pee in a toilet standing up, and down:

For men:[edit | edit source]

Up: Put seat up. Stand straight, aim and enjoy. Put seat down. Go "mmmm."

Down: Take a seat if you've had a long day. Take your penis and tuck it safely between your legs so it doesn't touch the toilet. Make sure it's done in a way you don't piss on yourself.

For women:[edit | edit source]

Up: (Also known as the "sit and squat") If you are at an unsanitary bathroom, or feel like straining yourself more at a clean bathroom. Simply squat (which might be misleading by the title, squatting is like sitting and standing at the same time) making sure you can aim where your pee will go, and that you aren't going to fall in the toilet or on the seat.

Down: Sit, let it gush out. Go "ahhh." Try not to orgasm. Stand You could just stand and pee. Just try not to let it go everywhere.

Chemical components of pee[edit | edit source]

  • Fairy dust
  • Uric acid
  • Pabst Blue Ribbon
  • Sunshine
  • Tinkle twinkle

Trinkle in the dark[edit | edit source]

A common difficulty experienced by urinators is getting pee into the toilet when it is dark. Experts recommend clipping a book light to your penis. Then, when you have to take a piss, just hit the button and turn it on. There you go, now you can see where your going and you won't get yelled at to clean up your mess. If you do make a mess the best way to remove pee from any surface is to rub the object or area with peanut butter, pour on some Coke, and let soak in thoroughly. Then use a cup to scoop up the soggy peanut butter and the pee stain will be gone! Shamwow! But just in case, you can always do a "favor" for whoever you live with: buy them a nice rug to cover up the mess and pray it doesn't smell. *Sniffs* ahhhh... fresh!

How to drink pee[edit | edit source]

Bear Grylls does it.

Now that you've learnt how to pee, learn how to DRINK PEE!!!!! FUCK YEH! Madonna does it as she believes in recycling and adoption.

The Excaliber[edit | edit source]

This excellent pee-based cocktail, once drunk by the Knights of the Round Table, can be recreated with the following recipe:

  • 3 oz. Dom Perignon, or other fine champagne
  • 3 oz. single-malt scotch
  • 2 oz. sherry
  • A dash of butter
  • Handful of sea salt
  • Freshly squeezed lemon juice (no pun intended)

Combine all ingredients in a highball glass and consume immediately. Then add crushed ice to the empty glass, wait one to two hours, and pee into the glass. Consume this as well.

Le Toilet[edit | edit source]

Sometimes it is very helpful when drinking pee out of a glass to use a tube or a straw. This gives it that extra je ne sais quoi.

Another popular way to drink pee is as follows:

  • 4 cups of warm piss water (best if yellow)
  • 8 oz. vodka
  • 2 oz. spit
  • 8 g peanut butter

Mix the pee, vodka, and spit in a large punchbowl, stirring gently. Slowly blend in peanut butter. I know this sounds gross, butt try it.


The magic of yellow[edit | edit source]

Ahhhh… Sweet relief.
  • Urinating, pissing, and in some circles, "leaking" has a long-standing tradition of beauty, and most importantly, it is the source of all the natural power in the universe. In 1492, when President George W. Bush was first inaugurated, pee was his first beverage in the White House.
  • The majority of the world's pee can be found diluted in sewage, sea-water, or in your nearest neighborhood public swimming pool.
  • Some individuals in the music industry, particularly fans of Black Sabbath, KISS, and R. Kelly often enjoy refreshing splashes of pee in their face from time to time while attending the concerts of these artists.
  • Peeing in public places can be another way of greeting people, and it is especially polite if you "shake" in their face.
  • Pee is a common ingredient in lemon snowcones, which are usually given to drunks or "hammered persons" who believe they are merely enjoying a lemon snowcone while spending the night in the drunk-tank.

Recycled pee and super powers[edit | edit source]

Trés art.

Several doctors boasting honorary degrees from "Happy Harry's Honorary Degree Emporium" have recently determined that super human strength, speed, and smell can be gained by recycling pee. One can recycle pee either by drinking pee, freebasing pee, or applying pee crystals directly to the forehead. Dr. Steve Jobbs claimed to have all these powers as a result of consuming his own pee. We are unable to confirm this claim, however, since Dr. Steve died during the testing of his theory regarding recycled pee and flight.

* Note to females[edit | edit source]

In much of this book, the word "penis" is used. This is due to biological conventions. If you substitute "urethra" in all cases of instruction - get (it) and spread the "lips" with two fingers (it) with one or both hands - the same effect will be achieved. I know they told you in grade school that you couldn't pee standing up, but that's just a lie to hold you back. You're a big girl now, and can do what you like.

In film[edit | edit source]


Remember when Adam Sandler pissed himself on that fieldtrip in Billy Madison? Or when he pissed on the streets of New York with that little boy in Big Daddy? How about when he took The Longest Pee on his album, They're All Gonna Laugh at You? He's obsessed, we know. [3]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. This may be a slight dramatization.
  2. Other plagues on mankind are dinosaurs, and depending on who you ask, either Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus.
  3. There are 214 'P's in this article. Oops. Make that 216. Nevermind, I didn't count the ones in the templates below. Dammit, there was another 'P'. Fuck, I lost count.

See also[edit | edit source]

Category: Letters | Medicine | Drinks | I Didn't Know I Had It In Me | Beverages | Bodily functions