— Winston Churchill on taxes
— Clement Attlee on taxes
Taxes were invented when rich people got jealous of other rich people and decided that they deserved free money from poor people. This dates back a very long time ago but it was originally invented by mother Britain as a method to force Americans to get a job, today taxes are an interesting way to support the poverty-stricken US government. By paying just a dollar a day, you will ensure a hobo out there somewhere has welfare money that he will likely blow in a day tops.
Taxes in America
Taxes is the American government's way to utterly fuck people!
Or the writers of this article meant Texas, but that's beside the point. They're both nasty things. Be very afraid.
Like most inventions of foreign nationals, Taxes have proven incredibly popular among the selfless populace.
Taxes were originally prohibited in the United States under the famous chant "No Taxation!" However, once America got involved in some wars, it had to bend the rules a bit. It was "No Taxation without Representation!" then "No Taxation without Representation unless you are a Convicted Felon" and finally "No Taxation without Representation unless you are a Convicted Felon or a citizen of Washington D.C. or you do not live in the United States but instead a conquered territory but if you like you can pay as much taxes as you want so you won't be audited unless you're Halliburton, in which case you can do whatever you want.
Republicans use the tax breaks ensure they win elections despite breaking their promises of giving a tax break (see tax-break paradox or American rip off double bluff for more information) as a platform to win elections. They promise tax breaks for the middle class during a campaign, then win the election from the duped voters. When the tax season approaches and the budget is revealed, the unfortunate suckers earning less than 50K see that they in fact got no tax break. The Republicans explain that the tax breaks went to the rich in order to stimulate the economy as promised.
The Democratic Party endorses the increased use of taxes, and applies them as a form of charitable donation from the poor to the rich. This furthers Trickle-Down Economics, an experiment initially attempted by Bernard von NotHaus in 1992 in Nigeria to test the viability of liquid money. It is a little tricky to deal with large sums, but two litres was enough to get a car, twelve litres would get a house, and ninety litres would fund the production of a decent film.
The real problem with the liquid money was that it was essentially mercury. If it ever got spilled it would tend to sink through the floor and trickle down on the people downstairs. Also, it was measured in the metric system, which is a stupid idea.
Since the rich spending money will help the poor climb out of their predicament, it only makes sense for them to fund their own enterprise. Through increased taxes from the poor, the rich have gained enough money to help many poor persons climb out of poverty, into a career of golf, horseback rides, and eating cake off the back of a Canadian hooker.
Tax revenues in the fiscal year of 2005 exceeded five dollars, in a report by the Gartner group.
Taxes have often been known to make many people yell, and on one occasion caused someone to say that taxes was one of the only things in life you couldn't avoid, along with death and that creepy uncle at Christmas.
The paradox of "tax breaks" is that they sound like they would cause tax decreases, and are highly sought after, but they really cause taxes to increase, which is sought after by nobody. Here's how it works.
Republicans are known for promising tax breaks to the rich and the middle class conservatives, who finance their election campaigns. They also advocate maintaining a balanced budget and reducing the deficit. The immediate effects of a tax cut are a decrease in the real income of the government and an increase in the real income of those whose tax rate has been lowered. In order for the government to recoup the effects of the tax cut, they depend on the private sector to invest or spend more money so that the government can collect the taxes from businesses. Businesses, however, tend to be run by the wealthy and the middle classes, who then demand more tax cuts, or else they will threaten to lay off people (which will reduce the individual income taxes collected by the government). So, when elected, Republicans initiate new tax reductions to please their sponsors, but also increase the taxes charged to everyone to balance the budget, requiring more tax cuts just to stay even. Then businesses lay off workers, the economy goes bad, and to compensate, the Republicans increase the defense budget, which increases the deficit. Unfortunately, since most of the defense budget goes to support soldiers and contractors overseas (but mostly contractors), this does not help the local economy. Everybody becomes unhappy about the economy and elects Democrats.
Democrats are known for promising more employment and services to rich liberals, the middle class and the poor, who finance their election campaigns. They remove tax breaks instituted by Republicans, and add different tax breaks instead, while increasing taxes on the rich. This causes the rich to become unhappy and put their money into businesses, which hire minimum wage employees and avoid unions like the plague by threatening to move overseas or remaining small. Unfortunately, minimum wage employees do not have enough money to stimulate the economy and build up local businesses, so small businesses tend to fail and large businesses tend to move overseas regardless of what happens with the tax situation. Then the government hires more government workers to stimulate the economy, which increases the deficit. To support the union wages of government workers and reduce the deficit, the government increases taxes, causing everyone to complain and elect Republicans.
Types of Tax Breaks
- Business Tax Breaks
- There are two types of business tax breaks: Tax breaks for small businesses, and tax breaks for corporations. Sorry, medium sized businesses are generally out of luck here. Tax breaks for small businesses are intended to keep small businesses from closing, encourage new businesses to open, and encourage expansion of small businesses. Unfortunately, opening any small business tends to be a gamble at best, since most small businesses close within their first 5 years since they tend to be run by inexperienced owners.
So no matter what the government does to help small businesses, it still isn't enough, because they are still small. Tax breaks for corporations are generally known as industry tax breaks.
- Industry Tax Breaks
- These are tax breaks designed to "stimulate" specific industries. Unfortunately, too much "stimulation" tends to cause blindness and other side effects. In the automotive and oil/gas industries, the unions and the corporate executives tend to fight over the income generated by these types of tax breaks. If the unions get the income, the price of the product goes up to cover wages. If the executives get the income, the price of the product goes up to adjust for "inflation". So the tax break that was given to keep the price of the product down fails. In the banking industries, tax breaks are intended to keep banking fees low and prevent banks and other savings institutions from failing. Unfortunately, the income from tax breaks tends to be mismanaged along with the other assets of failing institutions, so they help neither the banks nor their consumers.
- Investment Tax Breaks
- These tax breaks usually benefit rich individuals the most, since they have more money TO invest, and may even have so many investments that they live off just the interest from their investments. Usually, these tax breaks are given in hopes that business owners will invest more money in the local economy, but more often the money just goes overseas, since that is where the cheapest labor can be found without worrying about pesky unions that might ask for (gasp) health benefits,(shriek) cost of living pay increases, or (heaven forbid!) retirement benefits. Overseas, there is also usually a lack of local regulations that might require safe working conditions, scheduled breaks, or overtime pay. The bigger the company, the more likely it is that the company can ask for and receive major deductions or exemptions from local taxes as a condition of doing business in a locality.
Investment tax breaks may also benefit some senior citizens, but these are of course, in the minority. Besides, seniors, when their health fails, are forced to give all their money to the healthcare industry, move overseas to a country with a universal healthcare system, or go on Medicare/Medicaid. Medicaid does not allow seniors to retain any investments so they either must find a sneaky way to transfer them to their heirs while they are still alive, or spend them all on pharmaceuticals, hospitals, or nursing care facilities. Most nursing care facilities go out of their way to cost more money to their patients than the average 5 year university degree. The price of pharmaceuticals also increases annually by an equation determined by the severity of the medical consequences for not taking the drug, the number of generic alternatives to the drug, the number of other drugs that can be prescribed for the same condition, and the total advertising dollars spent annually, senior executive and key employee stock option values, and the CEO's annual salary. Thus, these tax breaks do not even be
Taxes Outside Amerika
Outside of Amerika, taxes are incredibly popular. They are known to sell out shows wherever they go; this reaches a high in Europe, where people are known to violently hurl their money at governments despite vocal rejection from the government itself. This uneasiness between the populace and the reluctant governments has led to many riots, the worst resulting in the Great Fire of London.
One newly proposed but very unknown - and very unpopular wiv da yoof - tax in the UK is upon a specific socio-economic group, with a distinctive fashion sense. The newly proposed tax is know in the halls of westminister as the chax, or the chav tax. The tax itself is proposed to be set at set at the cost of 10 burberry caps, partly due to the fact that burberry caps are in fact a recognised currency within the chavista community, and partly due to the fact that 10 is the maximum number to which Homo Chavicus may count. In trials of the tax, taking place in certain linconshire towns famous for their ASBO-bound youth population, the results are promising. For example, due to the chav's expenditure of 100% of their income on cigarettes and white lightening, no chav has the fiscal power to pay the tax, deterring them from that lifstyle. If the chav, however, is of the rarer Homo Chavicus Sin-Nicatinae sub-species, and the chav has the power to pay the tax, the fact that they could have bought 10 burberry caps with the tax money makes them think of the real costs of being a chav - and thinking is the first step of rehabilitation for a chav. There are, however, criticisms of the chav tax, but these are easily outweighed by the general positive effect that de-cavification has upon society at large.
Sweden has the highest taxes in the world and also has the most variants of them. For an example, in Sweden you pay special breathing taxes. This tax is one part of the feared Swedish medical care taxes and it was installed to prevent that someone would get out of air which is an ending resource in Sweden. There are also taxes paid for King Carl XVI Gustaf's hypermodern cars, the ABBA-group members' expensive eating habits, diapers of old people and usage of the Swedish language. Farmers must also pay tithe to the Church of Sweden. The president of the United States of America, George Bush, demanded in 2007 that Sweden must pay taxes to the US and also declared that Sweden further on would be a marionette and play a key-role in his corrupted plans of world domination.
Taxes are also many taxes within Canada. The high rate is due mainly to the fact Canada has a health care system, and a giant moth for a Governor-General, who needs constant feeding. In Canada, taxpayers are required to part their way with their Canadian Tire Money.