Harpernomics

“Go fuck yourselves!!”

~ Stephen Harper on Jews, Canadians, and Poor people

Harper taking money from "The Blacks"

Harpernomics is a system of finance which makes very little sense. In this system Stephen Harper is the supreme banker of Canada, he gives you money for passing Go and makes you pay up when you land on Boardwalk you cheap bastard.

Under Harpernomics money is physically taken away from the poor and put into Stephen Harpers pocket. Harpernomics ideologies state that the rich will have an inevitable revolution and throw off the chains placed on them by the poor masses of society. The ultimate goal of Harper is to assimilate Canada into the United States of America and rule North America in homosexual union with George W. Bush.

History

Stephen Harper began creating the ideology of Harpernomics while studying under Hitler in Nazi Germany. Inspired by the murder of thousands of retarded Jewish babies, Harper swore to uphold Nazi ideals no matter what the cost. After the collapse of the Nazi empire in 1987 Harper fled to Canada where he became an infamous pedophile known as the "Scarborough Rapist". After raping a fuck-load of people Harper got a serious case of syphilis and spent 200 days in the hospital. On a diet of aborted fetuses and crusty penile scabs Harper grew increasingly deranged and it was then that he completed his most influential writing "The Harpernomic Manifesto."

2004 Election

Harpernomics was the key issue in the 2004 national election, the Conservative Party (a union between the Nazi party of Canada and the Republican Party of the United States) was strongly supporting the institution of Harpernomics, while the Liberal Party of Canada disagreed with many aspects of the new ideology (public beatings of the impoverished, institution of Prima Nocta and disenfranchising racial minorities). Harper refused to give up when polls showed a general dislike of his policy among French-Canadians and Eskimos which made up the majority of the nations population. Harper was at a crossroads, he could give up on his dream or he would have to overthrow the Chretien government in a violent coup.

2004 Election (part 2): The Revolution

Harper's greatest success came on February 14, 2004 when he both consummated his relationship with George W. Bush, and successfully gained control of the 46 man Canadian military. Control of the Canadian military gave Harper an insurmountable edge against the Jean Chretien government, which was easily toppled in an unnecessarily bloody coup.

Harper and Bush on "the wedding day"

When people didn't take too kindly to his slightly racist policies the Inuit population of Canada banded together and forced their Chief Jack Layton to grow a mustache and inflict testosterone fueled rage on the landscape of the Ottawa Valley. Once the path of destruction was complete, Layton laid a bill on Harper's desk that brought forth a non confidence vote and an election was called on October 31, 2004, in which voters were only eligible if they were in costume. Harper promised to tax the poor even harder in return for leaving those who were eligible to vote alone. He also swore that if you voted for him that your family would be sparred from the "Culling", not to be confused with "Curling", which all families were forced to watch in an attempt to artificially raise CBC sports ratings.

The Harper Government in Action

After successfully fending off attempted coups by Jack Layton, Alanis Morissette, and as Harper described it "a bunch of cracker ass motha fuckers", Harper's government was secure and he began to quickly change the face of Canadian legislation. Harper's first move was to wipe out all the blacks, poor people, and single mothers (taking their money in the process). He left the jews alive cause "they had mad scrilla", citing that the general wealthiness of the Jewish people would increase GDP per capita and lend legitimacy to his regime.

Harper's government quickly gained worldwide recognition for employing the largest percentage of doctors, accountants, comedians and lawyers. This led to skyrocketing stocks of Bagel Plus. Although Harper hated the Jews, he loved money more, so he used the proceeds from Harpernomics to build a wall of fire around Alberta, causing Saskatchewan to burn down and massive flooding of Winnipeg.

After killing over 60 million of Canada's most impoverished citizens, Harper began tying up and publicly raping the country's poorest, most disease-infested citizens as a message to the rest of the world. This was the first step in Harper's master plan to combine Canada and the United States as a mega-country determined to wipe out the world's poor. The population had decreased by over 90% in only 3 weeks. Harper's dream appeared as if it was about to become a reality.

2008 Election

When it was time for the remainder of the Canadian population to go to the polls again Harper was very confident, possibly to a fault. The opposing parties included The Eskimo Party of Canada, lead by Chief Jack Layton and the Gay and Lesbian party (Liberals), lead by Marcel Dion. The Eskimos Party had little sway as most of its membership had mysteriously smothered to death in collapsed igloos. The liberals thought they had Harper cornered on a key issue, abortion. The Liberals were pro-choice, where Harper's conservative party was supporting forced abortion for everyone other than rich white people. Surprisingly Harper won 100% of the popular vote, apparently Layton and Dion voted for Harper as well, citing that they thought Harper's platform benefited them far too much and that "we probably would have lost anyway". Many left wing communist historians have suggested that Harper fixed the election, but Harper responds by saying "it is highly unlikely that I fixed that election, but I really fuckin' wrecked their shit, like holy fuck man."

With 100% of the vote Harper was able to dissolve parliament and appoint himself "Prime Mysterio" after his favorite wrestler Rey Mysterio, his inaugurational speech consisted of him repeating the phrase "I'll lay a Tornado DDT on your Jewish ass", apparently addressing the crowd.

Marriage to George W. Bush

On December 25, 2008 Harper was married to George W. Bush symbolic of the Harpernomic union of North America. When asked why they chose Christmas as their wedding day Harper reportedly said, "Fuck Jesus's birthday, I'm the new Jesus, and you fuckers are going to worship my birthday, DAMMIT!". Shortly after the wedding Harper declared his birthday (February 6) "the New Christmas" or "Harpermania" which would be celebrated by having each citizen deliver a local poor man's head to the city Harpermania tree.

Conflicts

On November 18, 2005, the U.S. government recorded Stephen Harper's conversation with Shlya Bouef, a prominent pizza delivery representative. Among other toppings, he allegedly stated " ... and if you don't get it right, I'll gas you too" approaching the termination of the call. This bothered George W. Bush, as he was worried that Stephen Harper was "hogging all the gas". This severely impeded upon their sexual relationship, although they admittedly still performed oral regularly.