12 year old girl theory
“What about a 12 year old boy theory?”
“Smells like pre-teen spirit”
“Lyke, stfu ur just jelous bc there hawt and have more money then u”
“I like my women like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke at the same time”
The 12 year old girl theory is a newly-emerging branch of Keynesian aggregate supply theory which holds that for any product to be successful, it must have immediate appeal to the average 12 year old girl. 12 year old girl theory was developed by the RAND Corporation in response to the harrowing times of the Great Depression as a method to resuscitate the economy. While once controversial, this theory is now a central pillar of modern economics, pragmatic philosophy and The Ten Commandments.
The mathematics behind the theory are still a closely guarded secret, but the several key tenets of the theory have been released to the general public. The following can be considered a comprehensive (not exhaustive, but possibly tiring) compendium of how to achieve success in the 12 year old girl business paradigm.
- Find several moderately good-looking young adults of a similar age to form a band. Best results are achieved when variety is considered (the "bad boy", the sensitive one, the ambiguous one, etc.)
- Conduct an interview with Teen Beat magazine, or do a cameo in a Hilary Duff movie
- Abandon all shreds of dignity and self-worth
- Cut a deal with a network executive for a meaningless . . . surfboard thing at the Teen Choice Awards
- Release a CD (see below)
Naming Your Band
Since all of your music will basically consist of rejected Iron Maiden lyrics whined over a few exercises your lead guitarist learned from his 6 guitar lessons with a drunken has-been 80s shred metal guy (yes, we're talking about YOU, Rikki Rocket), you're going to need SOMETHING to convince your legion of fans that you are in fact a bunch of really sensitive straight boys. Fortunately, this is why bands name themselves. Here's a few quick tips.
- Make your band name a long phrase. One word band names are SOOOOO 1980s, and as we all know, the 80s sucked (well, except for the washed up 80s singers who are writing our songs, and the Breakfast Club where we get our fashion ideas from.)
- Your band name should represent a conflicting idea, preferably implying poor luck with women. Feel free to juxtapose images of chemicals against romance, panics at discos, bullets against valentines, fallout against boys, and funerals against friends.
- If you get totally stuck, just pick the name of a random Elton John song for your band. It'll usually sound really deep (Funeral for a Friend), while tricking the parents into believing that you have NO interest in recruiting their daughters to be your little teenage love slaves (unfortunately, their sons will never be allowed to listen to your music, but it's okay, because they just don't have the emotional capacities and musical depth that you have, so fuck them and their Led Zeppelin CDs).
This is the most important part to the 12 year old girl theory. If you fail this, you'll be starring in pretentious indie flicks about "society" (no one, especially not 12 year old girls, watches these movies). Here's a helpful checklist of things to ensure your success. If you are unable to picture the context of any of this, please go to the Exemplary Models section.
- Ensure you are the lead singer of a band(regardless of singing ability, tone deafness or actual interest)
- If not possible, be sure to be credited as the "lyricist" (see Fall Out Boy)
- Grow your hair long and abstain from shampoo/conditioner
- Try to look as androgynous or effeminate as possible (children don't know where babies come from)
- Remove parts of your clothing (if you remove them all, you will cease to be sexually nonthreatening, which will cause your demise)(see Jacob Hoggard, of Hedley)
- Develop a sympathetic problem so they will feel sorry for you (drug addiction, depression, diabeetus, mean ex-girlfriends, lactose intolerance, two left shoes, etc.)
- Don't have any body hair other than on your head, and a little bit of stubble. (remember: only pedophiles have mustaches and beards! Mommies won't let their kids love you if they know you're a pedophile, which you are!)
- Don't get a girlfriend, as being single helps keep the fantasy alive. Once you are taken they will cry and move on to someone else.
- Always reference that you have the best fans in the world (see any/all interviews on MTV)
- Wear make up
- Do something the other guys in your band haven't done, i.e. start a solo career and get married (see Nick Jonas)
- Have a flashy smile and a voluptuous ass
- Have some sort of cute quirk that 12 year old girls can relate to, such as Harry Potter. Make sure it is aptly nerdy so as to make 12 year old girls feel that they too, are normal and socially acceptable, despite indisputable evidence that they are not. Note: don't have a cute quirk about Star Wars, they don't know what that is!
Now that your image is all catered up for 12 year old girls, we must tackle the hurdle of song writing. This is where many 12 year old girl theorem hopefuls fail or lose ground. Here is a list of mistakes that bands usually make:
- DO NOT write songs with some sort of hidden meaning, 12 year old girls have not developed advanced brain functions yet (see all meaningful/legit artists)
- DO NOT write songs with excessive swearing/politically incorrect words, because their parents won't buy the CDs (see Marilyn Manson)
- DO NOT write songs that encourage girls to keep their clothes ON.
- DO NOT write songs with more than five different words.
- DO NOT write songs that are happy, unless they were written under the influence of pixie stix or white cheddar popcorn
- DO NOT write songs that deal with any real world problems, remember to 12 year old girls the world is their school, Myspace and eating, then throwing the food back up to look socially acceptable in this world. This also means that you should not mention any other country in the world, which will also cause their parents to consider you "un-American" and refuse to buy your CDs.
- DO NOT write songs that go out of 4/4 time signature, change tempo, change key, or have a guitar solo.
- DO NOT write songs without the word "lips" in there somewhere
- DO NOT write about boys.
- DO NOT write anything that could be considered by a sane human being to be a song.
- DO NOT write songs that are about puppy love.
- DO write songs composed only of power chords. Unless you're writing an acoustic song, then use only chords in the key of G.
- DO write songs that sound either EXACTLY or incredibly similar to every other alternative rock song on the radio. (see Justin Beiber)
- DO ignore musical ideas found in non mainstream music.
You must ensure that the singles you release are exemplary examples of 12 year old girl material, because, to be honest with you, most of them never buy your CD, they just listen to your hit song on the radio. Actually, they have no idea you had a CD. Make sure that you release at least one U2 song, yet don't make it too socially aware; most 12 year old girls can't find their hometown on a map, let alone iRaq. Instead, write songs about bullshit, like how unfair your parents are, how bogus your teachers are, and how awful it is that that really cute girl in your geography class won't even acknowledge your picking up her pencil each day, even though the strain on your underdeveloped arm muscles in performing such an activity makes you want to end the "pain" by wounding yourself with unsterilised razor blades. In addition to that, make sure you write a song about how much you love the girlfriend you're pretending to have. Don't make it too lovey dovey though - you want to make the 12 year old girls think they have a chance (as they should). Once you've got those two bases covered, the rest of your songs need to be angsty and emo.
Making Music Videos
When shooting a music video, be sure to be conscious of the elements of image. Incorporate elements of emo culture into your video, such as troubled looks, crying, and your flagrantly pasty skin.
Since, of course, you are the lead singer, or being credited as lyricist, the camera will be solely focused on you, so it really doesn't matter at this point how ugly, stupid, bad and "un-12 year old girl vote-ish" the other band members are. Although, if you want to really monopolize the 12 year old girl market, all your members should abide by the rules. Other than that, your video doesn't need any other elements, so, just do whatever
you want your record company wants you to do.
When doing interviews or public appearances, you must always abide by the image rules to ensure ultimate success. Also, if the other band members are not aesthetically pleasing, it might be in your favor to ditch them, because they're wasting gas money. If however, you decide to take them with you, it won't really matter, because the only person the 12 year old girls will be paying any attention to is you. Remember: if you do decide to bring along your other band members, regardless of aesthetic quality, don't allow them ANY time to talk during your appearance or interview, because no one cares what they have to say (see Gerard Way). Here are some specific tips about appearances and interviews:
- Tell a long-winded and whiny story about your broken childhood
- Blither on stupidly for 10 minutes about how awesome and cool all your fans are and tell a funny story about how you keep getting their used underpants in the mail
- Act very mature and sensitive
- Get very emotional at one point in the interview (hold your breath, grab your mouth, walk away, kick violently like a dog in REM sleep)
- Claim that you "feel sorry for" any interviewers or elderly people that "don't get you"
- Have a cute laugh
- Redirect them to your MySpace page where you make lots of "really cool" contests, where fans get a chance to meet you or receive autographed memorabilia, and where you can post really annoying bulletins containing ALL CAPS and lots of typos. Alternatively, you can also TyPe FrOm LoWeRcAsE tO cApS fOr EvErY oThEr LeTtEr
- Pretend that the 12 year old girls aren't there with their moms.
Photoshoots & Magazine Spreads
These appearances are very similar to the previous type, except for the fact that you will be mercilessly exposed to the ghastly flirting of the possibly gay photographer and magazine interns, as there is no public to be offended by their lack of "professionalism".
However, there are a couple things to keep in mind, when it comes to these sorts of things.
For example, when doing a magazine interview, you must:
- insist that the interview be conducted at some low key local restaurant that does not serve alcohol (remember, you're overcoming some personal difficulty here)
- when the interviewer enters, you must be sitting demurely in a corner seat looking out the window dreamily sipping cutely on your milkshake
- even if the magazine intern is a total douche bag (which they will be), you must remain calm, and not hit them
- answer any "interesting" questions with a coy "maybe...[giggles]" or "we haven't yet decided...[giggles]"
These sorts of interviews, are of course, often associated with some sort of shitty photoshoot that will grace the covers (and possibly, centrefold) of some really shitty magazine with a really ghastly colour scheme, bubble writing, and total bullshit articles.
Remembering, of course, that you are the most important member of your group, we need not cover the fact that the other members will be a couple of miles in the background straining to be in the field of view, and that 90% of the shots will be solely of you.
We do, however, need to cover the necessary types of photoshoots you must do.
- A Clockwork Orange Photoshoot -it doesn't matter that none of your target audience will have ever read this fantastic book, because it will make you appear "edgy" and "aquainted with your roots of bad-assery" (which you're not) see My Chemical Romance, and every punk band ever in existence post-1992
- Recreation Photoshoot - this sort of photoshoot requires you to look as though you're just having a good time with your friends, and will make you seem like you're "fun" and "relevant" (which you're not).
- Straight From Video Photoshoot - in this type of photoshoot, you will take whatever image you've created for yourself, and is most commonly and solely (though probably not originally) associated with your group. If you're Green Day, you might be doing some pseudo-political crap. This will certify your image, and make you a more viable product (which you are).
This simple formula can provide a rudimentary basis for 12-year-old-girl Theorem analytics.
You see, as the substance, AKA anything meaningful, or even legible goes up, your success goes down. 12-year-old girls should NOT be able to really understand things like lyrics. But, as the style goes up, you can make a real turn! Try the Image section above. It doesn't reeeally matter if your songs are just screaming, but they have to be colorful screaming. (Avoid anything colourful though. You're not going to a New Age dance club.)
These people have already successfully applied the 12 year old girl theorem to their
art business ventures. In order to guarantee success, it is suggested that any budding adherers to this doctrine emulate their actions (claim them as your "influences").
- Tokio Hotel are indeed the best possible example of this theory. The lead singer is the only one who talks during interviews; he wears make-up and does his hair; he's "sensitive" and "emotional"; he has a very cute laugh; he doesn't have a girlfriend but states that he would quite happily date a fan; and he's a similar age to the 12 year old girls.
- Good Charlotte
- High School Musical
- New Kids on the Block
- Backstreet Boys
- Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Felton
- Middle school
- Einstürzende Neubauten
- Adolf Hitler
- Hannah Montana
- Jonas Brothers, recommended after they knew that Nick Jonas is just 16, and their fantasy says "I'm gonna be Nick's or somebody in the middle's girlfriend!"
- Any actor/ Actress on disney channel that says " Owemgee, I'm like a star nows!!! I'm gonna make the worlds most crappy movies and mayek sum cds teeew. lolololol"
- Any artist featured in the following: Bop, Quizfest, Twist, J14 etc
- Everything that is good, ruined by 12 year old girls
- That one guy in that one band
The loss of all your dignity and self-worth. And we mean ALL of it. You have achieved such inconceivable moral degradation that you have become the target of an Uncyclopedia article. And not like Oscar Wilde. Think even lower.
With the increase of appeal towards a younger audience the media is shifting its view to disrupt the balance of hormones in the minds of younger girl. By cultivating younger and younger girls minds with messages that would cause them to have low self esteem, it is improving the chances for older men to, "Get their dicks wet". Of course it takes roughly 5 years to receive the results needed to create the perfect slut. Scientists have discovered that by causing a young girls mind to falter at the age of 12, by the time they are 17 they will either be pregnant or at least contracted HPV. You're probably wonder what the positives are. For men it means that finally no one will die a virgin... unless they die as a child...