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“A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Libertarianism

Libertarians, more commonly known as Lolbertarians or Libretards, are ashamed of the fact that the vast majority of the world's politicians today are fat, ugly fugly vampires nurturing themselves by sucking the free spirit out of the back bones of ordinary citizens through methods of merging government power with corporate power, growing the police state at an alarming rate, and bailing out multibillionaire bankers and Wall Street investors who would otherwise fail in a free market society.

Libertarians therefore do not want to continue pretending that our politicians are democratically elected leaders. As such, many American libertarians are currently trying to flee the growing fascistic elements of their corporate-controlled government and reckless military-industrial-complex-turned-police-state by making a mass exodus to locations as far away from the political power centers as possible (sometimes even leaving America for obscure and remote parts of the world such as rural Iceland) where only the raccoons will hear their loud cries for liberty, because by now they realize that hiding from Big Brother is the only real option left.

The essence of libertarianism is that governments should stop controlling people's lives and should instead let individuals take care of themselves as if they were actually grown-up adults and not babies sucking off the teat of the nanny state, constantly whining about their inability to cope in the modern world. More-or-less intelligent people with free will should be capable of making their own decisions about what products to buy and what sorts of lifestyles are worth endorsing through the free support (or withdrawal) of their dollars. This is in direct opposition to the current practice of the IRS taking Americans' dollars through force to pay for bailouts of wealthy people, or to pay for endless overseas wars which Americans neither support nor know anything about since they are too busy playing Farmville or watching football on 72" LCD screens anyway.

Libertarians believe that if you are dumb enough to shop at Wal-mart and fat enough to eat at McDonald's, then that is obviously your problem and not theirs. Those kinds of people can go die of a heart attack in their stained lazy-boy chairs with barbecue grease dribbling down their triple chin as their illiterate mongoloid children run around barefoot without the benefit of tax-payer funded health care or public schools, because obviously these sorts of people should not be encouraged to have any more children. Some people call this view elitist, but Libertarians just call it the bitter truth of reality.

Libertarians despise the government because the trolls that run it abuse their power while for some strange reason believe that the people running corporations are all descendents of Ghandi. Well, actually no, they couldn't give a shit about Ghandi either, as he was obviously just another fame whore bent on "saving the world" and thus winning all the awards and accolades that go along with being The Great Philosopher of World Peace, and thus was no morally different than a CEO who happens to derive his/her personal reward in the form of money that is freely offered by consumers who obviously find merit in the product or service being offered. Be it world peace or Pepsi, consumers shape the world they want through the goods or services they demand. At some point it appears that people started to desire Pepsi more than World Peace, though this is obviously not the fault of Pepsi.

Comparison with Classical Liberalism[edit | edit source]

Classical Liberalism and Libertarianism are often confused by Brits who want to take cheap shots at the foundations of American political philosophy, and who are in denial about history and the happy fact that Americans won their little Revolutionary War and are, duh, winning! Or at least were winning up until the last few decades before the state grew too big and the masses became dumbed-down because state education does not encourage people to think for themselves and be strong willed, free thinking individuals who remember where their country came from in the first place. As such, Brits often partake in a bit of sadistic glee in watching our national downfall unfold.

Classical Liberalism started as people attempting to free themselves from authority, which at that time meant the British Monarchy. As soon as a new old authority came along in the form of corporations the Federal Reserve (see Rothschilds), Classical Liberals realized that Americans were now going to be wage slaves no matter what economic policies the federal government enacted. People against Authority later changed their name to Libertarians once the idea of big government authoritarianism somehow became synonymous with being "progressive". Why this happened, the classical liberals will probably never know. Later, capitalists Republicans realized that Libertarianism protects the rights of individuals to property ownership and the free market system, though they paid little attention to the civil liberties aspect of libertarianism which is actually far more fundamental to the philosophy than economics. Anti-Authoritarians have since tried to use the word Anarchist to escape the capitalists Republicans finally, but the capitalists Republicans still trying to be one step ahead tried to use Anarcho-Capitialism, though the Libertarians called them out on that move too, and dubbed the term "neo-cons". In 2024 Capitalists will call themselves Socialists. hopefully be extinct once and for all. Along with Republicans.

It is common for libretards to purposefully confuse their ideology with that of Classical Liberalism, so that sane people possibly drawn to the latter would be dragged to join the former as well. So especially in everywhere except America, where this is not needed, since people buy Libretardianism anyway.

Description[edit | edit source]

A libertarian in mating season

The typical "modern libertarian" is an anti-government, beer-drinking, crack-smoking, gun-toting, bomb-making, orgy-participating, porn-loving, South Park-watching, straight, male, American "don't fuck with me" motherfucker who lives with his mom and hates the state. Cheap sex, deadly flavors of the evil weed known as pot, and the latest and greatest style of handguns being available in every convenience store wouldn't concern a libertarian in the least. Libertarians are also known for opposing those evil commies, prudish Christians, and Arab types who seek to tyrannize the world with economic and personal repression based on dumb religious values and compassion paid for with other people's money. This includes, in the U.S.: the Democrats, Republicans, Ron Paul, Rand Paul and the Quakers, and in Canada: the Liberals, NDP, Greens, and Mounted Rangers.

The only honest libertarian to live to date is Ron Fucking Swanson.

History[edit | edit source]

Libertarianism is believed to have started in early 1884 when founding fathers John Locke and Thomas Jefferson decided to spice up their liberal values in order to impress Ayn Rand with whom they both were in love. When Miss Rand chose to propose to L Ron Hubbard instead, the two gentlemen founded the libertarian principle Anything Goes, lost their marbles and tried to assassinate Mr. Hubbard, an attempt that failed when John Locke sneezed, being allergic to gun powder.

Child porn, other issues, and child porn[edit | edit source]

Libertarians oppose the Iraq War, the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, the War on War, and most other wars. Because, to quote Lysander Spooner, "War is the health of the state," and Libertarians are about having the state be atrophied and diseased whenever possible. Therefore, ironically, they support the War on the State - which, they assure us, will be launched "any day now."

Likewise, Libertarians oppose the war on kiddie porn. For one thing, kiddie porn studios are capitalistic, consistently turning handsome profits, which is what America is supposed to be about, Constitutionally at least; and they consistently employ nubile Americans over swarthy, chubby foreigners, so it is an America-first stance. Further, the war on kiddie porn is the stuff of victimless crimes, which Libertarians oppose at every turn. The kid already having been exploited, one more copy of a video is not going to do anyone any additional harm.

Indeed, the Libertarian Party website for a long time had a section devoted to choice kiddie porn. This was removed abruptly when the party's interest in "unlimited consumer choice" gave way to the obvious benefit of posturing about "filthy paedo scum who should be strung up with the commies," Republicans leading the way for Libertarians, as happens more than a little.

Indeed, Libertarians, who often wear shoes made by 5-year-old Siberian enslaved orphans, have scant grounds to complain about films being made around 14-year-old Danes whom their own government doesn't see fit to protect. Not that we would want it to.

Political views[edit | edit source]

1992 Libertarian Candidate for President

Contrary to popular belief, Libertarians don't support anything and are avid complainers. Mostly consisting of PO'ed Republicans, the party is often criticized by socialists/democrats/commies for support for the well-known evil capitalism and not putting in enough community service hours. Libertarians claim that capitalism is vilified wrongly, but no one listens. They scream and shout for full freedom to do as you will so long as it doesn't infringe on the ability for others to do as they please (it is important to note, getting ahead of smartass commies, that fucking up the economy and the environment and starving your workers does not count as infringement of anything!). This has prompted some badass positions such as the slogan "Your rights end where mine begin" and bringing back the "Don't tread on me" flag. In short, if you don't like capitalism and freedom, then move to China and be happy in squalor. In case you don't know, China is famous for strictly regulating and controlling private businesses, especially the production of toys and milk, and for maintaining ridiculously high wages for the workforce, especially for those spoiled 8-year-olds.

Other less popular views:

  • The freedom to practice any cult, including worship of Athe as a non-religion and non-cult.
  • The freedom to have sex in public, anytime, anywhere. Even with children.
  • The freedom to masturbate on the Sabbath, while listening to Black Sabbath.
  • The freedom to masturbate to any freaky goat-related (or goat-unrelated) porn you can find.
  • The freedom to star gay websites condemning homosexuality while masturbating, like the Log Cabin Republicans.
  • For some reason, a lot to do with the freedom of masturbation.
  • The freedom to not hire someone on the basis of his race, sexual orientation, religion, or smoking habit.
  • The freedom to acquire enormous sums of fiat money
  • The freedom to acquire any number of weapons and hire any number of mercenaries, which, they sincerely promise, will not be used to oppress anybody else.
  • The freedom to hunt and consume smurfs.
  • The freedom of a free market economy at the same time as anarchy or minanarchy as a system of government. Unlike Modern Liberals and Conservatives who allow anyone to do whatever they want as long as it agrees with their political agenda, Libertarians allow everyone to do whatever the hell they want even if it disagrees with their political agenda, that is if libertarians had a political agenda. Libertarians are not that well organized, and often disagree as to what a political agenda might be, so they all agree not to have one.

The Libertarian Song[edit | edit source]

To honor the sacred Libertarian cause, industrial-metal pioneer Oscar Wilde and his partner in crime, the famous novelist Trent Reznor, wrote these immortal lyrics of protest, which have been set to a famously stirring melody.

When the Libertarians come to town
Everything will turn upside down
No one will wear a frown
When the Libertarians come to town

The government will shrink to naught
Your coffee will always be hot
And it will be the cheapest you've ever bought
When the Libertarians come to town

You won't have to pay income taxes
No need to worry about downsizers' axes
The best companies will send you faxes
When the Libertarians come to town

The invisible Hand of Nature will keep
Every business exec and veep
On the straight and narrow, and we all will reap
Peace and plenty when the Libertarians come to town

The free market will improve every school
Child geniuses will become the rule
Our learning will make every nation drool
When the Libertarians come to town

When the Libertarians to Washington come
The streets will clear of vandal and bum
Pimps and pushers will get to run
Safe and legal businesses for everyone
When the Libertarians come to town

Send in the Libertarians...
Send in the Libertarians...
Won't someone, please, send in the Libertarians...

How to spot a Libertarian?[edit | edit source]

A libertarian protesting to support big business.

A Libertarian can be one of two people. The type of Republican you never see, named Fat-Cats, or the type of Democrats you don't want to see, named Politically Active Hippies. All forty-nine party members are difficult to find. There are very specific instructions in order to catch one.

  • You'll have to wait for the autumnal equinox, as Libertarians are known to fly south for the summer. Once the first leaves start to turn orange and fall from trees, they'll migrate back to their colder environments. Along this journey, the majestic Libertarian will find itself faced with all kinds of perils: Swimming upstream, crossing the street against the light, and the polar bear from Lost. These trials will quickly slough away the migratory layer of fat that the party member gained when it burst forth from its cocoon just prior to the equinox, requiring nourishment to maintain its million mile journey home.
  • Supplies are as follows: A cardboard box, a plate, a wad of twenties, some pot, a stick, a length of rope, a square of cardboard, a sharpie pen, and a faux bush. Place the goods onto the plate, and prop the box up with the stick. With your sharpie, write on the square of cardboard "FREE MONEYZ + POT!!!!" and place it to the right of the box (your right, the box's left). Finally, set up the faux bush to the left of the box (your left, the box's right) and hide behind it with the rope securely tied to the stick.
  • Now, wait. Eventually, a wandering Libertarian will poke its head out of its hole. Should the Libertarian see you, it will immediately grow to 50 times its size and... Shall we say the result will not be pretty? This is why you are hidden behind your bush! Lucky you! When the target scampers to the plate, quickly yank the stick and trap them in the box! Hurrah!
  • But you're not finished yet, no sir. You merely have an Libertarian-in-a-box. The first thing you'll have to do is wait a little longer. Inside a box is not the natural habitat for the wild Libertarian. The domesticated breed is comfortable with this settings, certainly, but unless you're in The Czech Republic it will be impossible to find any calm and domesticated party members. This is why you've placed pot and cash in the box. S/he will use their natural ability to spit embers to ignite the twenties and smoke their new bounty. Hopefully this will calm the captured beast after a half hour or so.
  • Signal your (somewhat) non-hostile intentions via interpretive dance. Do not worry that the Libertarian cannot see you, they will "see" the vibrations caused by your dance and smell the pheromones you produce. This will place them in a receptive state, but receptive to what is another matter. Will must then recite the Warrior's Prayer to gain their favor.

"Gods of war I call You. My sword is by my side.
I seek a life of honor, free from all false pride and taxes.
I will crack the whip with a bold mighty hail to reduce government regulations.
Cover me with death if I should ever fail to not spam the internet with Stefan Molyneux's shitty videos.

Glory, Majesty, Unity!
Hail! Hail! Hail!"

  • Now you're ready. Gently lift the box and make a wish.

Libertarians and the Internet[edit | edit source]

It is a well-known fact that since most Libertarians are aspiring engineers and IT guys, they rule the comment sections of the internet. However, in real life, their unkempt appearance and breath that smells of stale coffee and halitosis means that they usually are not taken seriously.

However, it is mainly their anarchistic anti-regulatory fault that you get so much spam.

Libertarians and Charity[edit | edit source]

There is a train of thought that tends to regard Libertarians as a bunch of self-centred, tax-avoiding Scrooges , but this is far from the case. In 2008, for example, the Libertarian funded "Give A Shit For The Starving Africans" foundation managed to raise 333,000,000 cubic tonnes of pot brownies which was duly shipped to the poorer areas. Reactions to this display of generosity were very positive, especially among Libertarians, and proved that all that was needed to improve Africa was some charity, some gumption and a whole lot less government.

See also[edit | edit source]