Gun

If in America, see also: Public school

The liberals can take my gun if they can dodge the bullets.

The gun, also known as a firearm, big boomstick, Friend Makers or penis enlargement supplement, is a toy designed specifically for uncreating the existence of any creature, student of a high-profile liberal school, deer, turkey, or terrorist.

The first firearms were probably invented in 12th century Japan where they were used as a highly effective form of ritual suicide. They were later developed to be used against other creatures by the Chinese and Europeans, much to the shock and horror of the Japanese who wanted a better method of seppuku. Ironically, it was found to has a secondary use as a antidepressant.

In the 21st century guns are marketed to a variety of demographics including, but not limited to, the blind, children, and blind children. The gun is also an essential fashion accessory in the United States and is a symbol of peace in North Korea.

There are many various types and styles of guns in this modern age, from the small handgun to a .50 cal fully automatic, typically used for murdering deer. Larger weapons are normally reserved for ornamental decoration.

Usage

In the United States

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Firearms are very popular in the United States where they are sold at fine sports stores, pawn shops and Wal-Marts everywhere.

Unfortunately, there are also people who wish to ban guns. Generally these people are known as common sense Americans, or anti-American. The people that think this way don't realize the gun was invented for the enjoyment of the wielder, so any harm caused should be pardoned by those injured. The 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution states this fact clearly.

In the United Kingdom

It is a requirement of those who wish to possess guns or firearms in the UK to have a 'lie sense'. This means that one should not tell the police their true reason for needing to possess a gun (personal defense from loan sharks, ex-boyfriends, werewolves, etc.) but rather fabricate by virtue of one's imagination a fictitious and wholly unbelievable desire to stalk old dears.

Police in the UK are only entitled to carry firearms once they have attained the age of legal majority.

Gun control

A gun that it is not in your hands is out of your control, thus the best way to control a gun is to always have it in your hands. Sleeping with a gun under your pillow is the best way to ensure that you have immediate access to your gun. People are most vulnerable in the first moments of waking up or in a half-asleep state, and indeed, having a gun nearby will keep you safe when you are most vulnerable.

Furthermore, the gun's safety should ideally be off to minimize the amount of time it takes you to use the gun. This improves your overall control of the gun and makes you and those around you more safe.

Gun types

Dawg, an Uncyclopedia administrator, demonstrates how the bulge in his pants "looks bigger" as he holds the handgun.

Handguns

The pistol or handgun is an invention created to speed up the process of abortions, achieved by just sticking it up there. The pistol functions similarly to a penis, that when held correctly and pressure is exerted in the correct area, the pistol shoots its load everywhere. Several sports have been invented around the act of firing a pistol, such as drive-bys, euthanization, suicide, war and Russian Roulette.

Shotguns

A shotgun is a gun that sprays little pellets of cum. Shotguns are ideal for people who cannot aim as they hit anything in the direction you point them at including infants, making them ideal for self-defense, shooting a swarm of yellowjackets, and accidentally shooting someone standing near you.

Also, "shotgun" is a misnomer since all guns intrinsically shoot.

Rifles

The rifle is any weapon designed to be held with two hands excluding shotguns. Most rifles, and indeed most guns, available to the public are semi-automatic. Fully automatic weapons require special licenses or are otherwise outlawed except at American schools. Kits to modify your semi-automatic rifle into an automatic rifle are almost always sold separately unless you have an sks.

Common uses of rifles include killing animals, war, school shootings, and shooting at inanimate targets to advance one's skill in doing the aforementioned activities more effectively.

Machine guns

A machine gun is also a misnomer since all guns are machines. However, this term usually applies to larger caliber automatic weapons. These are exclusively used for war though they are indeed the most fun.

History

Origin

In the beginning, there was fire, and humans thought, "This is cool, but how do we make it angrier?" Then began the quest for humanity’s ultimate tool for settling arguments, murdering helpless American students and accidentally inventing the phrase "shoot first, ask questions later." Around 10,000 BCE, caveman philosopher Og Gunthagoras theorized the "Pointy-Stick-Thrower," a device made of twigs and optimism. It failed miserably, probably because elastic bands hadn’t been invented yet.

The first "gun" was invented in ancient China some time around the 11th century, as a tool that you could use to make fiery noises and scare off weaklings. It was really just a stupid way of using their new magic boom-boom powder that they accidentally made during their futile quest for immortality, because nothing screams "eternal life" like an explosion that will bring hell to your doorstep. Eventually, they realized they were better off using it for explosives, which we still wonder today why we don't use more in terrorist attacks.

The cannon

One day, the Europeans discovered the magic boom-boom powder, and thought, "This would be great to use on my neighbor!" and so they went on to destroy every town and castle they saw because they felt like it.

Behold: the cannon, a cock shaped metal tube they created that launched cannonballs with the precision of a drunk toddler throwing spaghetti. It requires an entire army of oxen to move, and firing one would require you to pray to the devil 50 times to ensure what you are doing isn't reckless. Eventually someone thought it would be better if you could hold one instead, and invented the hand cannon, a tool that gives you a 50% chance of killing whoever you point it at and a 100% chance of blowing up the user.

You'll never have guns like these.

Hand-held guns

Soon, people decided it was time for slightly less terrible guns that were less "point and pray" and more "point and delete," making them much more useful for school shootings. One example is the revolver, so you can finally get a killstreak of 6 before you have to reload again, or the shotgun, where it only takes you 5 tries to hit whatever you shot at rather than 20.

Present

Nowadays, countries have came up with loads of excuses to why guns are unsafe. This has led to the heavy enforcement of guns in everywhere except the USA, where anyone can have guns and do whatever they want with them. The truth is, guns are completely safe and cannot cause any harm to anyone other than those trying to use them for sexual pleasure. Anyone calling them unsafe is merely falling for liberal propaganda created to make people feel more threatened.

See also

• List of weapons that don't exist, but should
• List of weapons that exist, but shouldn't
• List of weapons that don't exist, and shouldn't