List of weapons that don't exist, but should/Firelegs
From List of weapons that don't exist, but should
Uppy Launcher
Sort of like the downey launcher but every bullet looks different. (unlike downeys they all look the same).
Instagib Gun
Wouldn't it be ridiculously awesome to kill anyone in one shot? Why hasn't anyone created this? It just seems a bit obvious. Well now you can get monster kill on Unreal Tournament every time! and they look different because it shoots different kinds of puppies and each puppy has a different effect when shot
Autobazooka
A man-portable gatling gun that shoots large, rocket-propelled bombs. If you're on the right end of it, PREPARE FOR A VERY MESSY VICTORY! If you are on the wrong end, surrender IMMEDIATELY.
Indirectly Effective/useless/non-projectile Guns
The Lawnmower
You Can Run Over Those Runts That Annoy Your Lawn, And You Could Use Serrated Blades To Shred Them Into Burger Meat That Can Be Transferred To McDonalds. Nevertheless, You Can Mow Your Lawn And Pwn Your Foes!
Negative charge Itna Bij's Negative charge shield and laser ball
Woah, you're the most powerful negative energy user in the universe!This shield blocks projectiles and enemy attacks forever. beware, only positive charges can negate this shield. Any thing,even Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick can re-charge the ball's energy into positive.When It strikes back,your shield dies, but no fear! You still can't be harmed.
Spontaneous Eyeball Implosion Gun
A gun that, when fired, causes someone, somewhere, to have their eyeballs imploded. This gun is best used when in a predicament where only two people are alive in all the known universe (e.g Adam and Eve). Beware though, for the user is not impervious to the effects of the gun, and might therefore implode his or her own eyeballs. The spontaneous eyeball implosion gun (or B.E.T.S.Y for short) was patented in Germany on the 30th of April, 1945 by Adolf Hitler. When first used, it imploded Hitler's eyeballs and caused him to run screaming into his wife and knocking them both out of a window, through a bunker, into the basement, onto a bullet, making the death seem like suicide. It was the only known case of B.E.T.S.Y backfiring on its user. B.E.T.S.Y's design consists mainly of ham, random computer chips, Kool-Aid, Not-So-Kool-Aids, Lemon-Aids, AIDS, Syphilis, Dinosaur-Juice, a dodo bird, eight dwarves, and a cross. Blend all materials but the cross until a lukewarm paste is formed. Than cook at 700'C for 6 years. Jam the cross on top and fire. When the trigger is pulled, it activates the cross on the top, causing God to sense your will to have someone's eyeballs imploded. Someone, somewhere, just had their eyeballs imploded. If you don't believe this, than you are trying to suppress faith and are therefore an atheist.
Triple Barreled Shotgun
Incredibly similar to the double barreled shotgun, except, of course, it has three barrels. This allows for three shots that have absolutely NO range and no good fire rate, instead of two (i.e. Vincent Valentine). Also, you can attach a bayonet to the bottom, AWESOME.
ASPLODE CANNON
The Asplode Cannon is a devastating weapon developed by Chuck Norris to give normal humans a fraction of his power. IT MAEKS HEADZ ASPLODE BITCH!!!!1!11!! It has to be one of the most powerful weapons ever made. I KKKEEELLL U WIT MEH 'SPLODE KANNON!!1!
}
The Tack Star, The Golden Tack star, And The Baby Nuke
The Tack Star Is Good For popping Balloons And Stabbing foes. Usage:Jib used this on his foe and pinned him 13 feet above the ground. the victim screamed and fell all the way to the ground. Then,The Got This Horrible Coma, and He Was Last Seen on the floor with the weapon on his back And a torn shirt. Jib was accused of the attack until they saw a shadowy figure attack the Gay fag. The golden Tack star's like the Tack Star, But Is Gold, And Launches another Golden Tack star, but this time the previous Tack star is then a shadow Of the First one. When the Gold Tack star hits the foe, Their body will split into two and asplode. The baby Nuke devastates the foe and kills Him/Her. However,when it asplodes, it is known for blowing up kittenolivia. That's All for now...
Quarter gun
This gun, used exclusively by residents of Lyford Cay, Beverly Hills, and Wall Street, not only launches painful quarters at your enemy, but emasculates them by showing them that you are so rich you're actually using currency as ammunition.
Good self-defense handgun ammunition costs $12 to $20 per box of 20 cartridges now-a-days, so a "Quarter Gun" would actually be relatively inexpensive to shoot. Billy the Kid killed a deputy during a jailbreak--at least in the movies--with a 12 gauge loaded with a stack of dimes. You'd want 10 or a dozen per load, and a dime was real money back then.....
Formerly, the same company that makes this gun developed a $1,000,000 bill gun. It failed miserably, mostly due to the developers overlooking the fact that bills are soft, as opposed to quarters and other coins.
A dollar-coin adapter is available for this gun. Dollar coins are more damaging, but good luck finding any ammunition... The exception to this is the Canadian dollar, but this doesn't help since a Canadian dollar is worth significantly more than a quarter, and no-one is really sure where to get them anyways. Canada is rumored to be above the United States, but just how far above is anyone's guess.
Quarter Gauss Gun
This gun,now With A Railing To Store Ammo And To Put Under Your Arm, used exclusively by residents of Lyford Cay, Beverly Hills, and Wall Street, not only launches painful quarters at your enemy, but emasculates them by showing them that you are so rich you're actually using currency as ammunition.
Good self-defense handgun ammunition costs $12 to $20 per box of 20 cartridges now-a-days, so a "Quarter Gun" would actually be relatively inexpensive to shoot. Now When This Gun is Used, The Quarter Fly With A Blue Shiny Light trailing it. This Gun Now Has a Spare-Handy Cartridge,Just In Case If Your Ammo Runs Out.The Railing Holds the cartridge, while you Put the Railing Under Your Arm. Billy the Kid killed a deputy during a jailbreak--at least in the movies--with a 12 gauge loaded with a stack of dimes. You'd want 10 or a dozen per load, and a dime was real money back then.....
Formerly, the same company that makes this gun developed a $1,000,000 bill gun. It failed miserably, mostly due to the developers overlooking the fact that bills are soft, as opposed to quarters and other coins.
A dollar-coin adapter is available for this gun. Dollar coins are more damaging, but good luck finding any ammunition... The exception to this is the Canadian dollar, but this doesn't help since a Canadian dollar is worth significantly more than a quarter, and no-one is really sure where to get them anyways. Canada is rumored to be above the United States, but just how far above is anyone's guess.
Chuck Norris gun
This weapon shoots Chuck Norris at the enemy, if the impact doesn't kill the enemy Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick him in the moon where the enemy will die from his head asploding. If there is a wall between you and your enemy Chuck Norris will crush it out of the way. This weapons bad side is that Chuck Norris will kill you because you launched him at the enemy making this weapon very useful if you want to die after you have killed somebody. just watch out for his total gym
Not to be confused with the "Gay Chuck Norris gun", which will do the same thing to the enemy, however, Chuck Norris will rape you, instead of killing you afterward. If you're a female, the "Gay Chuck Norris gun" will spit out a female Chuck Norris to rape you.
Pen Gun
Fires pens at a rate of 20 pens per second. Very effective in the office and classrooms. It also proves that the pen is mightier than the sword and anyone who had multiple pens in their face would agree with this statement.Also, you can make your opponent bleed in about 7 different colors. SiGn ThE PeN To ThE PaPeR To GeT A BoMB MaIlEd To YoU ThEn ThE PeN Is StRoNgEr ThAn SwOrD
Dali Ray
Created as a last-resort anti-personnel weapon by the Spanish military in 1991, the Dali Ray was an attempt to fuse the trademark Spanish surrealist style with the most painful death imaginable. The original design was introduced by a small team of hobbyists who specialized in "blowing things up in microwaves" to Generalissimo El Samuel Suave de la Pava, who happened to be an amateur collector of fine art. Intrigued by the idea, de la Pava reserved funding for what became known as "Proyecto Gala," named for the wife of the acclaimed Salvador Dali, and testing went underway in early 1992.
Initial tests on animal subjects resulted in a wide variety of shapes including flying pomegranates, mousetraps, slices of bacon, skulls, female breasts, large musical instruments participating in adulterous acts, and in one peculiar circumstance, Queen Sofia, who was eventually married to King Juan Carlos II.
Despite the praise of de la Pava, who hoped to utilize the Dali Ray as a form of riot control in conjunction with the National Spanish Project for Renovation of the Public Arts, the Dali Ray was decommissioned in late 1992. Its whereabouts have since been unknown, but recent evidence suggests testing on human subjects by the Japanese government. Human rights activists have joined with fine art critics in lauding this creative use of torture to advance human interaction with the arts on what one critic calls "the deepest level possible [...] The Dali Ray not only allows us to connect with art, it allows us to become the art."
The Dali Ray uses a reverse-polarity stream combined with a generic paranoiac-critical actuator to generate a concentrated field of Picasso Particles which, upon contact with the target, collapse into themselves and form the famously, highly unpredictable Surrealist state of matter which results in what de la Pava called the "Dali Effect." The Dali Effect, in short, extracts and rearranges gluon in whatever way Salvador Dali would have seen fit, transforming regular forms into surrealist objects, a transformation which usually results in excruciating pain for the target.
Contrasts have been drawn between the Dali Ray and the Heart of Gold, inspiring many theorists to claim that the Heart of Gold itself is actually an extremely advanced generator of the Dali Effect.
Bayonet on Shotgun
Probably the most important useless item ever attachable to a gun, similar to putting a grenade launcher on an RPG, it is completely not pointless pointless and is incredibly redundant. However, it is still awesome!!!
NOTE: its been done
Grenade launcher on an RPG
Hey! Billy Mays here with the RPG grenade launcher attachment! Shit yeah! its the best thing ever and is totally safe(except for anyone close to asplosion).
so order yours now for 19.95
just 19.95 call now and we will double the offer
so you get 2 RPG's with Grenade attachments
all for just 19.95
Gun that gives people cancer later in life
The gun that gives people cancer later in life looks like a simple firearm in appearance. When its user pulls the trigger whilst pointing it at a particular target, it appears and sounds as though the gun is firing without ammo. However, the unsuspecting target will develop a most insidious and unstoppable tumor several years, possibly decades, in the future. This is also known as the laser. Unfortunately, the battery pack needed to power the gun is massive, and in all honesty, makes a better weapon when it is used as a club . It's much faster and nothing is cooler than bludgeoning a man to death with a large battery used to power a useless cancer ray.
Picasso Ray
Around the same time as the development of the Dali Ray, an offshoot of the program came into existence known as the Picasso Ray. Utilizing the same power source as the Dali Ray, but with tweaked energy delivery ports, the ray's effects on its enemies melted their faces in such a way that it was similar to the works of the famed painter Pablo Picasso, hence the name. When hit by a Picasso Ray, the first thing you will notice is that you won't see shit. Every part of your face will be horribly misaligned. The effects happen almost instantaneously, so you will be in unimaginable pain for several hours. As a side effect, you will be psychologically scarred for life. The weapon is still in use by the Spanish military, but because no one wants to bother attacking them, the weapon has never seen real combat.
Hamster Gun
Fires hamsters. Developed by hamster enthusiasts. Also very useless.
Antimatter Gun
Developed by government scientists. This gun fires antimatter that when comes in contact with matter they will annihilate each other and asplode with great power that can even decimate even a grue (only if more than a ton of matter/antimatter is annihilated). Because the gun is made out of matter it is inevitably going to annihilate the antimatter so the ammunition chamber is made out of anti-antimatter. Also, air is matter too so they put an anti-antimatter Vacuum Maker on the antimatter bullet. Antimatter is extremely expensive to make.
Jib's Universal Auto-Cracker
It's just a pistol from the ninth dimension, with insanely good accuracy. It's semi-automatic.
The Light Machine Gun
for all of you uncyclopedia admins, this weapon is for you. It's like a machine gun, but shoots faster and pierces through the hardest of kevlar. It was used by jib to kill grues, but it didn't work,unfortunately. Then jib was stuck in a room full of armed,peanut eating zombies. They attacked with weapons, but because of the light machine gun, the peanut zombies hardly fired a single box of peanuts. They finally retreated to the junkyard. Then, the king of the undead unholy henchmen was project #267. The unholy leader took his lancer assault rifle, and was shot 42 times, but survived. After ten brick-shittingly epic shots, the rifle broke. Then the unholy terror (project #267) took the universal auto-cracker, the semi-automatic pistol, and got shot 7 times in the head. The unholy terror died and jib took the pistol, but was then stopped by an even bigger version of the zombie, called the MAG-zombie. Guess how the huge terror died.Yep, nine shots to the torso.
Disintegrating gun
It disintegrates funnily enough. It starts by sending images of Chuck Norris`s world famous round house kick into the victims brain. This image will then be so intense the body melts.
Development It was first developed by a crack team consisting of Steven Hawkings Michael Jackson and the Beatles and (they were butt buddies), Paris Hilton and Charlie Chaplin. They were working for the US army.
Service It was first used on innocent civilians (or according to the USA terrorists) in operation "lets go fuck up Iraq". It was soon withdrawn for service after a freak porta-loo/tank collum accident. A few were captured by arab terrorists who had fun using it to clean up goat crap.
Civilian use Used by insurance companies to "clear the evidence" of a car accident. They are also a popular childrens toy in Mexico.
Rubber ducky gun
Completely pointless! But good if your son/daughter has lost her real pet duck. Just fire rubber ducky at cage or container where the old, real duck was and your child will never know the difference. Originally invented to develop handgun skills and encourage firearm familiarity in young children. The most common use was by two or more toddlers in a bubble filled bath, where parents would support and encourage the positive feelings and emotions associated with playing with guns, so as to desensitize the children to death, and the prevent an ingrained sense of ‘responsibility for ones actions’ appearing at a young age.
Sperm gun
|
This weapon was created in the year 1972 by the famous scientist/porn star Ron Jeremy... This weapon, if it existed, would have the potential to do high damage. Possessing the capability to instantly impregnate its victims, regardless of their gender. This could prove somewhat embarrassing to males, as they lack a suitable opening to release the infant. Upon firing, the weapon would release a barrage of genetically modified sperm, able to penetrate their victim and impregnate him/her. How two sperms combine to form a zygote, I don't know. Perhaps the baby is ready-made? Note that this weapon is not feasible for use on an inanimate object as they cannot reproduce. With the exception of computers, anyway. The effect of a sperm gun on females would be minimal, unless fired multiple times. Firing the sperm gun only once may result merely in one baby, causing no harm except to her figure, possibly. Multiple shots should cause her to be impregnated 20+ times, calling for abortion, extensive operating or exploding vagina due to lack of space for the babies to emerge. This would be highly messy, however. Notable for its different levels of severity, the only drawback to the Sperm gun is that the user has to manually pump the supply hose which (not seen) is attached to the user's penis... On a male, the results are far more noticeable. As there is no suitable opening, even one shot can prove lethal. The baby will, if no exit from the womb is present, escape out the man's Urethra, causing a considerable amount of pain and possibly spontaneous asplosion. The only feasible options are a sex change or death. Abortion will not work as everyone knows that men can't abort babies. Neither are they supposed to get pregnant, but who cares. Death is extremely painful and the process humiliating. As the nine months pass, the victim will apparently become increasingly obese. At childbirth, there are not only the crippling labour pains to deal with, there is also the minor detail of the lack of a suitable opening. This results either in a ruptured penis and forcible gender change or an expanded anus. Greatly expanded, at that. Both conditions invariably lead to death most of the time. It is, however, worth noting that this weapon takes nine months to take effect and thus is not very suitable. Also, don't use it unless you're sure that the babies won't survive, especially if you're using it on Oprah Winfrey; or if the opponent has a Boring Meat Shield. This could be used as a sex toy but you would need to pay a huge fee aborting those children. Also effective against Amazonian women, home intruders, and Paris Hilton. |
Tesla Coin
This weapon is disguised as a harmless coin. It is powered by a miniature battery that provides just enough juice for one "knock you off your feet" zap. You just arm it, put it on the ground, and wait for the enemy to get near enough. "Oooh...What's this, a coin?" ZAP!!! If you put it in a quarter gun,Or A Quarter Gauss Gun, they get zap and physical impact for twice the asskickery.
Animal-Launchers
The original specifications of the Animal Launcher were made in 1841 by the renowned English naturalist and inspiration for the Furry cult of today, Charles Darwin. The original design fired a small drunk rat 50 feet in the opposite direction that you pointed the weapon. It was made as such because everyone knows that Darwin was a Retard.
The original gun is available in your local Wal★Mart, as well as several variations, including the Alligator Launcher, Chimp launcher...
This weapon is almost 150% useless in combat, because upon firing the animal, it will probably just flop on the ground, poop and die, due to the fact that it's been shoved in a cartridge for a month. In only one case was this weapon ever used effectively, and that was when a man purchased a chimp launcher, and Raped the fuck out of it before it died. The result is what we now call AIDS.
99.5% of this weapon's sales are because of Furrys who only purchase it so they can rape the poor creatures brains out in their closets.
Fat Kid Launcher
Basically what it does is, it launches fat kids. Not quite as effective as the Elephant Gun, but it'll help with our child obesity problem. Effective in many ways, mainly the pure impact of a 200lb kid slamming into your enemy does the most damage, but also the shrapnel (eg. body parts, half-eaten burgers (actually, who are we kidding? There are no half eaten burgers around fat kids)) can cause serious cases of nausea and general annoyance amongst your enemies makes this the most effective weapon against Hippies and rampaging Jews.
!Warning!
illegal under human rights act as no human being or other life form should endure being
fired at with a fat kid.
Although the fat kid probably deserved it.
Definitely not for use in close quarters or short range, really don't do it!
Never aim at a trampoline.
do not aim at face or eyes
serious injury may occur
Otaku Launcher
An optional accessory for the fat kid launcher, this device fits into the action mechanism and arms the fat kid with 50 pounds of Anime, Manga and/or Hentai (25 pounds for each arm for balance reasons. An optional optional accessory adds a backpack with an extra 25 pounds). He will pummel any opponent nearby with his precious Japanese animation, under the belief that they are attempting to divest him of his aforementioned cartoons. It also blasts show tunes at a frequency proven to drive fat kids into homocidal rage (the show tunes are to make sure your opponent is too busy covering his ears to defend himself), and a light show meant to incite them to further violence by making them think they're an anime protagonist.
RPG Launcher (rocket propelled giant launcher)
The rocket propelled giant launcher fires giants at enemies, it is noted for being extreemly effective for destroying enemy tanks and houses. It is unknown how people are able to wield it, but somehow, they are. See Rocketpropelledgiantlauncher for more info.
Pissed off drunk Irishman gun
Basically a steyr AUG modified to accommodate a bar and Irishman inside (Purely because it's the weapon an Irishman will be most familiar with). when fired this weapon launches a pissed of Irishman that has been drinking (basically any Irishman) at the target and beats the shit out of it. This weapon was used in the last months, but to great effect, in the emo overflow in 2005. The strange thing is this weapon still weighs the same and looks the same as an AUG but with a pint for a 30-round magazine and a sustained fire version (like the HBAR version of the regular AUG) has 40oz bottle for 42 rounds.
Elongated mammal gun
Despite the fact that little furry mammals, such as ferrets, dachshunds, meerkats, and weasels are so cute and furry, they make excellent weapons of mass destruction. Simply load one of them into the barrel, aim, and fire. Depending on the mammal fired, the effects will be different. If a ferret is fired, it will pee all over the target before biting and running away. A weasel will bite, scratch, and make the victim's life unbearable until given fifty live baby mice. A dachshund will gouge out the victim's eyes and then strangle it with its own intestines. A meerkat will curl into a ball, and harmlessly follow the victim/owner around. When midnight strikes, however, it will summon a horde of meerkats, who will eviscerate the victim in its sleep. In the case of the smaller elongated mammals, there is the additional possibility of the animal getting into the target's pants. And then they're really in trouble.
An anteater can be sharpened, elongated, and used in a similar way to a gun that shoots swords. A camel can have its neck lengthened, and will spit on the victim before colliding with him for collateral damage.
Elephant Gun
This gun looks like a perfectly ordinary pistol, but it fires full grown Indian Elephants. The upside is that not many things will last long after being hit with a high-speed elephant, and that's provided they don't die from the surprise of seeing a multi-ton mammal fired at them out of a pocket-size pistol. The downside is that the elephant isn't apt to be very happy when it lands, and may maul the person who fired the gun. There is also no way to reload this gun, as we still haven't figured out how they fit the elephants into the bullets in the first place.
Comes in a blue version and a red version, but not a yellow version. There's no such thing as a Yellow Elephant Gun.
A version with Giant Menstruating She-Elephants is also popular in Laos.
If an Elephant grenadier attachment is present, the weapon may launch Elephantiles (elephant projectile). Impact may cause victim to die of shock or making their brain asplode.
Fried chicken gun
Although named "fried chicken gun", after loading live fowl into the hopper, the only thing this gun shoots out is fully cooked, rotisserie drumsticks. This weapon has a knob on it with two settings: Fire and Feed. When set to Fire, the drumsticks fire at a constant chickeny barrage, striking their target with forceful bony impact. When set to Feed, the drumsticks are helpfully presented to the wielder for oral consumption. (An under-barrel attachment provides various dipping sauces to accompany the drumsticks.) Attempting to be clever by setting the knob in the exact middle produces bizarre miniature plowshares that are strangely sharp, and disrupt proverbial wisdom for miles around. This weapon deals double damage to vegetarians and black people, and quadruple damage to vegans.
The sound chickens make when being inserted into this weapon is uniquely unpleasant.
Old person gun
When fired, this gun produces an old person, (the age is determined by a knob on the side, you can choose from kinda old to DAMN! THAT'S OLD!) the old person will then tell the victim to get off their lawn, get a job, help them find their glasses, etc. greatly annoying them. Clip carries 3 to 17 old people, and is conveniently equipped with supplies. Unfortunately, most supplies are kept on the top shelf, and your ammunition might die before they reach it.
Corpse Gun
A later addition to the old person gun. Attached the same way as a silencer, it is a tank filled with methane, cyanide, loud music, inflation,bran flakes and tumors, all of which are expressively lethal to old people. When the old person goes through the barrel, it causes him/her to die, therefore turning your old person gun into the corpse gun. Warning, some old people will be half dead already, or will have already died, not being able to reach the "food" shelf found in the clip of the old person gun, causing decomposition as they hurtle through the barrel. Meaning that your full corpse may just be random, flailing body parts. Guaranteed to traumatize or kill small children or nuns. An upgrade known as the zombie rifle, which passes them through an additional chamber filled with a very nasty virus is being developed.
Blue Veined Custard Gun
This gun would be easily concealed in your pants making it the ultimate assassin's weapon. When faced with the need to use all you'd have to do is place one or both of your hands in your pockets and prime the gun. This is done by pumping the gun 20 or 30 times.
When it has been fully primed, you withdraw the blue veined custard gun from your pants and force the target to their knees. You then fire point blank to the face. You can also fire it at the victim's buttocks or stomach, but it doesn't look as impressive.
You then clean your blue veined custard gun, and leave the motel room.
The Quadruple Barreled Baby Blaster
What more can be said really, it's a gun with four barrels, each firing a newborn human child a distance that may or may not exceed 9000 meters. The only real way of stopping said projectile is to fire a Pedophile out of a Nonce Musket at exactly the same time.
Furry cannon
A rocket-launcher sized weapon wrapped in tacky leopard-print fake fur (additional slipcovers are available). It fires a pissed off, anthropomorphic cat at your opponent, where she either rips him apart with her bare hands or rapes him to death. Can be loaded with multiple ammo types, including fox, just ears, ears and tail, and rabbit. Dog was in the works, but we lost the research when some of our R&D staff started Huffing Kittens. Ammo can be equipped with the poisoned tits upgrade. Also fits the Otaku Launcher and Corpse Gun add-ons. This was developed specifically to counter Furry cultists by giving them exactly what they want-but making a horrific alteration to "exactly" to kill them (Although, there's a good chance they'll bleed to death out the nose first).
Everything Else
Box Of Peanuts
It's an awesome weapon, when you fire, your enemies get shot, and get really hurt. Tip:Bonus points if they are allergic to peanuts.
Box O' Peanuts 2/Tic-Tac Desert eagle
The Sequel to box of peanuts.
The tic tac desert eagle is like the desert eagle,But it's made out of wood And It uses tic-tac mints as ammo.
Similarities:Automatic magic,powerful strength Difference:One has Way More Acsessories.
Jib's brand new weapon is just like this, but m63-like.
Swiss-Army Rifle
This is the boys scouts wet dream. A 50 cal. fully automatic, bolt action, silenced, 12 gauge sawed-off quadruple barreled shotgun, with laser sight, that is sandwiched between everything no one would ever need. Including, but not limited to; a corkscrew, nail clippers, a tooth pick, a toothbrush, a dictionary, a compass, a toaster, a microwave, a crank flashlight (batteries not included), a hood ornament, a homosexual elephant seal, a Christmas tree, a full size H3 Hummer with all accessories, wikipedia.com, uncyclopedia.com, a nuclear bomb, a sweaty guy with an axe, a bazooka, every episode of the tv show "Friends" on DVD, two issues of shit, a ports-potty, a double-bladed light saber (batt. not included), the New York Mets, a hamster wheel (batt. not included), a lava lamp, a stag-way, a woolly mammoth, and of course its source of power, a nuclear power plant. The gun weighs approximately 12 earth suns, and coincidentally falls through the crust of the earth when it is in its gravitational pull.
RPG Launcher
This nasty weapon fires Role Playing Games at high speed. This causes a 2D12 die roll ranged damage to opponent, negating armor values less than 2 and has the ability to damage magical beasts up to Iron Golems. Unfortunately, it is easily deflected with +2 Magical Shields. This gun may incur the wrath of televangelists, claiming this is a weapon of Satan, though in truth it is a weapon of Satin. The RPG Launcher is commonly used by male warlocks wielding ridiculously heavy armor and stupidly large swords, or female characters played by males with the legendary "Not very protective but quite sexy armored bikini".
Gay Flintlock Pistol
Dating back to the 18th Century, This pistol was favoured by Flamboyant Homosexual Dandy Highwaymen(and Seamen) who used to stick the curved grip up his victims hoop repeatedly as well as holding him gunpoint at the same time. Other than this, the lower curved handguard section is a stash for balls released from the screw on wooden knob.
Bulimic zombie gun
Though little more than a bulimic zombie used as a gun, this relatively light weapon will fire devastating, acidy globs of vomit. One upside to the bulimic zombie gun is that any kind of food may be used as ammo. Earlier test models that did not use zombies had the annoying tendency to die during combat, becoming little more than a Boring Meat Shield. The use of the undead for this application prevented such mishaps, and minor inconveniences like limbs rotting off can be solved with duct tape. There is also the added intimidation factor of "AAAAAHHHH! A ZOMBIE!" which is a sure plus.
French shooting gun
Fires one french men or women either rape you or whine intensely or make you smell them.
Road rage gun
Okay, so we've all felt road rage. Some idiot cuts you off in traffic. Some drunk is driving down the road at 15 mph, weaving all over the place, and you can't pass. What to do? Well, a road rage gun would allow you to shoot a very special paintball pellet at the vehicle in question. When the pellet hits, it spells out, in large fluorescent letters, a message like "Stupid Ass Drunk Driver" or "I rape children, and love it". Collect three of these messages, and the idiot loses his or her driver's license, which they obviously should never have been given in the first place.
Serrated bullet
|
Bullets only stab once. This is because bullets are a waste of metal. Serrated bullets would stab multiple times, and the person you're shooting will be in much more agony. Is there a single reason not to serrate bullets? Okay, the bullet might not fly right, and might hit YOU instead. Oh, well — it was worth a try. |
EmmSixTeen/Pie Rifle
This weapon was designed for morons and retards who cannot aim for toffee and who like to throw their weight around. The EmmSixTeen has a buttstock ideal for bashing heads open as well as stability. It also comes wth a detachable Power Ranger figure when you get bored.
Tactical Flintlock
Tank-Launcher
Need high-powered firearms, as well as armoured protection against evil fiends? This cute little contraption can be your saving grace, assuming you can carry it. Each clip contains twelve Russian T-90 main battle tanks, and in retrospect, cannot be lifted with anything less powerful than a Chinook transport helicopter. The gun itself weighs in at about 4x the weight of the clip. Rate of fire is five rounds every twenty-three minutes.
Tank-Launcher-Launcher
Good luck. Usually stationary on a mountainside. Sadly, due to weight restrictions and our inability to provide the raw fusion power required to launch a piece of ammunition a significant distance, the weapon has a seven meter range. Sadly, also due to weight restrictions (in addition to the necessary height to mount the weapon itself onto anything while keeping it stable), most projectiles are destroyed upon contact with their designated target.
Rocket Propelled Chainsaw
Quite possibly the most effective weapon ever issued to troops. Its ability to cut down a whole forest and then your mother is unmatched by other modern weaponry. When turned on the chainsaw is at a state of ready, when the trigger is engaged the rocket is sparked and the chainsaw stays at a state of idle until its approach laser detects its target, before contact the projectile activates and its spinning chain of death is unleashed onto its foe.
Also see rocket propelled velociraptor.
Explosive Katana
WARNING: May Blowup user's hand, and if deflected/Reflected, it may/May not aim for your testicles,or your guts.
This is effective against foes with swords.When they slash the blade it causes a spark that the foe fails to catch.ka-BLAM!!!1!!111eleven- The katana blade slices through the target, and through the others
Gun-Chucks
There are 2 different versions of this weapon. The first is fully automatic and has a 10 round magazine of 12 gauge shells. The second version is semi-automatic and only holds 6 shells. These weapons are more of a 3-section staff than nun-chucks--but calling them 3 section shotguns is just stupid. Both weapons are meant to be flailed around in circular motions with lots of flipping and jumping while being fired. It is usually not a good idea to use near any allies.
The Hell Outta Here
Anyone ever tell you to "Get the hell outta here!" to your face? Well, they're probably mad at you. If they're mad at you, they might try stupid shit on you, like taking your wallet or burning your pants. Better take their advice, get The Hell Outta Here, and wipe them from existence- satisfaction guaranteed.
The Role-Reversal Gun
An extremely pointless firearm, much like Ronseal graded firearms it does exactly what it says on the tin. Once the trigger is pulled the universe collides with an alternate parallel universe and the 'victim' becomes the attacker. Not to be confused with the Russian-Reversal gun.
Spartan Lazer
Wtf? H4XX00rZ
Its pretty and red, send it to Iraq. - George bush on Spartan Lazers. Or we can ask Master Chief for His
Not Even Guns
Boring Meat Shield
Technically not even a weapon, although it proves a good counter to most nonexistant weapons.
The boring meat shield is a spin-off of the Bulimic Zombie Gun test, when early test subjects died. None is in current use today because most the weapons it counters don't exist, but should.
This weapon is particularly effective against the Sperm Gun as the dead body is pregnant rather than you. After nine months of being shot by the Sperm Gun you will get additional Boring Meat Shields depending on how many times they shot it, although you have to cut them out because dead people can't give birth to babies.
Ice Knife
The Ice Knives Are Only Effective In Cold Regions, And you could win any snowball fight with these babies. Only one knife is enough to cut through The ice barriers of your foe's fort.
Sandwich gun
Not really a gun, but more of a kick-ass lunch box. As it`s name implies, the gun fires a sandwich (the type of sandwich depends on what sandwich you load in). It is mainly used to quickly get a sandwich (caution: do not aim directly into face, you will make a mess) or to give a sandwich to a friend very far away. The gun can be used as self defense if no other weapon is close by. Be prepared, after the initial shot at the assailant he will be stunned, but after he realises that you shot a sandwich at him he might eat the sandwich thus having more energy to attack you. A second shot is not recommended. An upgrade of the sandwich gun is the full-auto sandwich gun. It`s great at parties, and is especially effective against Fat Kids. Beware of annoying bullies who might take the sandwich gun, and your lunch money.
Guitar gun
A favorite of assassin mariachis, the Guitar Gun is an invention by the Death Metal guitarist Gareth Gates. Gareth Gates decided that his UZI 9mm wasn't exciting enough, so he converted a Flying-V style guitar into a fully automatic machine gun.
The Guitar Gun is capable of firing 1000 rounds per minute, and Gareth Gates first used it against his father, Darth Vader, in 2016. Although it wasn't powerful enough to penetrate his armor, it managed to become one of the most popular weapons of the 21st Century.
The design of the Guitar Gun has changed over the years, and it now includes a scope and a blade on the headstock. It has knobs for all kinds of things, such as speed and power, as well as the incredible sound effects that you would find on a battery powered toy gun. The Guitar Gun is also available in many styles, including the Stratocaster, Telecaster and Les Paul.
Guitar Guns are currently mass produced on an uncharted island south of Australia, by a company called Epiguns. Famous users of this weapon are Mr T, various cast members of FLCL, Rambo, Sonic the Hedgehog and Tony Blair.
It is known that during the War of Rock from 2010 to 2014, Guitar Guns were the main weapon used. The Loyalist forces used Flying-V style Guitar Guns, and the New Rocking Order used Stratocaster and Les Paul style Guitar Guns. Legend has it that John Frusciante of the Loyalist forces could break down an enemy Rocker by just playing the intro to Under the Bridge.
It should be noted that in an unrelated incident on-stage in 1973, Robert Fripp played a dissonant chord that mysteriously killed an audience member during a performance of "Lark's Tongues in Aspic Pt. II". Currently, research is ongoing to discover if this is indeed an anachronistic instance of a prototypical Guitar Gun.
Laser spectacles
According to recent studies by the Department of Statistics (a common misspelling of "the Department of Satanists") you know more than a third of people either need or have glasses. Now think about it--you are sick about being teased about your large, thick, plastic-rimmed spectacles. Well, no longer! Laser spectacles shoot a super red hot beam of 100% pure laser which can incinerate your enemies until they are burnt into a cheese and onion flavoured potato crisp; crinkle cut of course.
Pre-order them today* at: www.pleasehelpmeturnmyenemiesintoacheeseandonionflavouredpotatocrisp.crinklecutnaturally.astheyteasemeaboutmyspectacles.com
(*We're still working on them, but they'll be ready soon, I promise! If not today, maybe tomorrow; if not then, maybe Friday. Its good on Friday.)
NB: Laser Spectacles may not help your vision in the slightest--please keep out of reach of children, Germans and especially ausserhalb der Reichweite von Kindern. Denken sie an die Kinder!
Orgasmatron
This gun fires a ray that causes its targets to have an orgasm, thus disabling them for just long enough to shoot them with your normal gun. Of course, this raises the question as to why, if you can shoot them with your Orgasmatron, why not just shoot them with your regular gun? This basically means that the Orgasmatron is almost useless in actual combat. It is, however, a lot of fun at parties. The possibility exists, however, that the target will no longer be hostile after the use of the Orgasmatron, and instead, become simply an annoying presence, (or not, depending on the intrinsic appearance of said target).
Lemmy wrote a song about a weapon called an Orgasmatron, but nobody quite knows what it is. It's a good guess that it's a gigantic, living train that wants to fuck us up, and if it exists, Lemmy is the only one who has it.
Dead flounder
The Dead flounder can be used like a slow-acting land mine. Simply hide it within the enemy camp (sheep ninjas can be used for this purpose) and wait 3-5 days for the enemy's nose to melt off. This weapon can also be used to detect if the enemy has kittens at their disposal, since kittens can be used to disarm a dead flounder. Early testing of this weapon was done on a black Michael Jackson. Those of you who would not wish such a cruel fate on another human being should observe one of the other numerous weapons described here.
Small Black Child
Although not a gun, this weapon can be very effective when it comes to disabling your enemy. It consists basically of a small black child that screams racism as soon as the fighting starts, which in turn makes your enemies feel guilty and surrender and possibly kill themselves due to their emotions. *NOTE* This weapon does not work against Chuck Norris or any other deity due to the fact that they have no sense of guilt.
Improbability Gun
The Improbability gun, when fired, creates a tear in reality around its target, causing the least like thing possible to happen to the target. The effects can be positive or negative depending on the target. If the target is Dane Cook, it could cause him to tell a funny joke. For example, the gun could cause either Jib To go into true form,(100% Ungraspable), or a team of ninja to spontaneously attack the target, or it could cause an astoundingly beautiful woman to begin making passionate love to the target. It could also cause a nuclear weapon to detonate on the target, killing everyone and everything within a 20 mile radius. The Improbability Gun must be used with extreme caution, as its effects are unpredictable.
Plot Device Gun
To put it quite simply, the plot device gun creates a situation that will make any part of your day more interesting. Example: You're in class and bored, you decide to fire off a round and then a transfer student walks into the class.
Plot Twist Gun
Almost exactly like the plot device gun, except it gives a twist to the situations it creates. Example: You're in class and bored, you decide to fire off a round and then a transfer student from... Atlantis! yeah, atlantis... walks into the class. Instant awesomeness.
Or was it?
The Most Devastating Weapon Ever Pondered
A black man's orgasm
The Second Most Devastating Weapon Ever Pondered
This weapon is similar to the box of peanuts, but is made out of a special kind of lightweight metal, and also It's also jib's version of The box of peanuts Gun, Only To Be Packed With Awesomnium And is Also Rapid fire, For Those Who Want To Kill More Catgirls And Grues. And The Bullets aren't wooden peanut shaped bullets, But rather Small Bullets
Flash
Flashing may make people stop and stare if you are a woman or look away in disgust if you are a man. This is the most evil weapon that only requires you to not have anything (on).
That boot you get in Super Mario Bros. 3 that you aren't allowed to keep after you finish the level for some damn reason
Like seriously, how many people have gotten that boot and been like "WTF mate, this is amazingness in a bun! Let's be careful not to lose it so we can take it into the next level!", only to realize you can't? That pissed me off.
Water MINI-Gun
This weapon was created when Generals in the White House realized that water guns might actually come in handy in war after all, so, they commissioned Super-Soaker to develop a gun that fires water at 2,000 SPS (soaks per second) and fires it at Mach 2. True, water is not NEARLY as hard as metal, but, when water is goin' that fast, it WILL HURT. The only real mystery to the gun is how they get the damned water to get goin' so damned fast. Sure as hell beats me, but, I don't care enough to tinker with it enough to find out and cut a whole in my hand with water. First of all, It would hurt, and I would lost a hand. Second, It would consume too much time to be worth it, third... You know what?! I am getting off-topic again! Okay, so, in conclusion, here it is, and, it's awesome.
Shoop da Whoop Gun
It shoots the lazer of the Shoop.
And Of Course.......... THE BFG
Shits on everything. Nuff said.
The automatic castrator
Developed by Vatican evolutionists, this hand held gun has the ability to fully castrate anyone. It has specialized nano-particles in each round of ammunition that, when fired upon a human, mutates the epithelium cells in one's body, sending a genetic message throughout the bloodstream. Once reaching the brain, this deactivates the pituitary gland and causes it to produce and release strong, modified hormones of the opposite sex that overcome the existing hormones. This action can quickly decay the penis and testicles and/or the ovaries and clitoris. The Vatican have been saving this gun as a last resort for those that have sex before marriage and/or commit other "sins". Side effects include: a lack of a sex drive, being made fun of at the strip club (or anywhere else you go), having to dress up as a clown to do children's birthday parties, becoming friends with Michael Jackson (Zombie), and in rare cases, becoming a vegetarian.
Triple Nipple Shooter
A 3-barrel Nordenfelt type weapon that shoots 3 small hepatitis-b infected explosive projectiles at a fast rate of fire that instantly gives the victim 3 breasts like the hooker in Total Recall, only to blow up with nasty results. This machine gun is a cheaper, simpler alternative to Gatling type weaponry.
Semi-Gun
The Semi-Gun, instead of the obvious interpretation of the gun's use by its name, works in a much more devious manner. This gun would go under indirect weapons except for its awesomeness and the pretty much guaranteed chance of a roadkill shot.
The Semi-Gun works by pointing a laser beam out of the barrel that you aim at the thing you want to become splattered across the pavement. The advanced targeting software of the gun does the rest. The software hacks into the GPS system of the nearest Semi-Truck and directs it to exactly where you are targeting the Semi-Gun.
The result, while the enemy is looking down and saying "What the hell is this red light on my chest for?" a Semi Truck comes from out of nowhere and plows them down leaving nothing but splattered bits across the road which will then possibly be eaten by Paris Hilton.
The Semi-Gun also comes in a second variety in which a Semi-Truck stops right before them, and the gun reprograms the mind of the driver so that he kidnaps the target and throws him/her into the back of the Semi Truck and then drives off. Inside the Semi-Truck, the unfortunate victim will be forced to watch Barney and the Teletubies until either his/her head explodes or he/she cries out that the shows were made by Nazis/Skinheads/Jewish People/Any Other Group Imaginable. In the event of the latter, the now shattered mind is regurgetated from the truck and will soon become a functioning, if slightly paranoid, member of society.
The Unmentionable Gun
Don't mention it - ever. Seriously. Comes in several variants; the 1-foot-calibre Goatse, waterproof Tubgirl 'compact' model (used as in-car weapons or in the bathtub), 'couples' 2-Girls-1-Cup model and the Lemonparty model with decreased recoil and senior citizens' discount.
A 6-barreled c M69A1 'Meatspin' rotary Gatling cannon is being tested.
Scoped shotgun with shotgun attachment
| Guns |  | |
|---|---|---|
| Rifles | ||
| Pistols | ||
| Heavy Weapons | ||
| Miscellaneous Weapons | ||
| Ammunition & Attachments | ||
| Related Articles | ||