AK-47

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An AK-47 drawn by a professional artist in 1763.

The AK-47 is a powerful watergun in use at a middle school near you. The '47', which most think is the creation year, stands for the meaning of life, the universe, and all around coolness. The AK was invented by a Russian game designer Vladimir 'Vlad the Cool Cat' A.K. (A.) George Kalashnikov at the behest of the Soviet government after World War II. Owing to the the fact that most of the Russian population had been killed during the war, Kalashnikov was told to make the gun "idiot proof" as from then on the Red Army would be made up of children and the elderly, the deformed or clinically insane. The gun has performed above and beyond its designers wildest dreams, having been used successfully by more idiots than any other gun before and since. It is usually chambered in 37.662mm (934x39.3.14159 cartridge, but owing to the unique socialist origins of the weapon it can actually be chambered to fire anything including turbans, stones, teddy bears, broken Apple-Mac software, trout and all manner of household junk. In fact many people have likened the gun to that of the Rock-it Launcher of the Fallout 3 game. It is a low-cost, highly durable children's toy and rumored to be the most widely used, copied and mass produced toy of all time. The slavs do make some damn good guns.

It can be seen on the national flag of Mozambique, where it is used both for national defence and for plowing. It is also a main ingredient in the countries national dish (a lead salad).

It is sometimes known as "the great equalizer," in that it is available to individuals of all social status and incomes and allows citizens to rise against oppressive governments. Borat, the well known Kazakh social theorist is known to have once used an AK-47 and said: "its nice i like"... before attempting to copulate with the weapon - "Why not?". In fact, in Kazakhstan, the Ak47 is a popular dowry gift and is frequently used in place of money as a form of currency. The largest nation that has banned the AK-47 is the USA, long held as a bastion of freedom, which is a marketing tool of the Haliburton, Starbucks and McDonald's corporations respectively.

The AK-47 is known for its robust reliability, ease of use and ruggedness in all weather conditions. Designed to be operated and disassembled by anyone. Kenyon child soldiers have little trouble maintaining their weapon at the satisfaction of their bloodthirsty warlords/father figures. The gun is known go 10,000+ round without lubrication (spit or semen), cleaning or malfunction. The Honda Civic of guns. Known to excel in all weather conditions: swamp, desert, forest and even Charlie D'Amalio's vagina cave. Many urban myths have popped up touting the rifles toughness. In the 1990, a Vietnamese farmer found an old Vietnam war AK-47 in a swamp. He the gun wiped the mud off it and fired it into the sky. Instantly his blood boiled as he became aware he must avenged his NVA father. He headed to the nearest Ho Chi Minh city McDonald's to exact revenge on the evil American imperialist.

The AK-47 every M4 nerds nightmare!

History[edit | edit source]

A lesser known use of AK-47's was in the Great Lunch War of 1999. It resulted in the 5th graders winning territory from the rebellious 2nd and 3rd grade alliance.

The AK-47 was made in 1947 by a Russian stripper named Mikaela "Bulletproof Ass" Kalishniakov. After spending many years grinding her ass on stripper poles she found that she needed a rifle for protection. A client of hers introduced her to the STG-44. The prototype to the modern assault rifle. She realized the post WWII battlefield was changing. She needed a gun that could lay down lots of rounds like a submachine gun but also have the range and power of single action rifle. The STG-44 was almost that but Mikaela knew she could design better. Taking inspiration from the gun she decided to create her own rifle.

She realized that most gun fight take place around 300 meters. Her last gun fight with a horny customer that forgot to pay his lap dance bill happened around that range. She decided that her rifle should excel at that range. She decided to keep the design simple, make dissembly and maintenance effortless and use few moving parts. After all many of her stripper friends wanted to use the gun but we're untrained in firearms. She knew with such fewer moving parts the gun would be less prone to malfunction. She knew it's simple design meant it could be used in the most inclement of conditions. Even the diseased murky stripper dens of Soviet Russia. As Mikaela Kalishniakov once said, "only a retarded monkey *ahem Audi and the Armalite corporation* over complicates design, but a true genius learns to simplify". Lastly, she chose the 7.62 caliber as the munitions because it packed a punch. It could go through multiple layers of cover. Very effective in killing horny thieving customers hiding behind the strip club bar. She also chose it because it was the average length of a Soviet Russian man's small penis.

The AK-47 popular today is her AK-47m model. The M stands for milf because it was popular with Russian Soviet milf strippers. Millions of AK-47 have been created and sold around the world. Yet Mikaela has made not a single cent from it. After all hee hard work she forgot to patent the design. She was too busy dancing in her underwear for money.

The AK-47 was used in several memorable occasions and conflicts, such as the 1949 Chinese Revolution, the 1968 Tet Offensive, the 1988 sale at K-Mart and the 2002 Super Bowl. It is equipped with a relatively large magazine as opposed to other guns (such as pistols, semi-automatics, Super Soakers and Death Rays). This large magazine capacity is attributed to the weapon's primary users; idiots frequently tend to never reload, or because it is shit and needs at least one semi-positive attribute so that it can still exist. It was hoped the extended capacity would allow idiots to at least hit a few targets before their inevitable death but actually field use has dismissed all such hope.

As such a potent symbol of the fight for terrorism by the forces of oppression. The United States Government has stated that it will fund any organization that finds itself in combat against an enemy armed with the AK-47 or its variants. The United states has noticed that more often than not, countries that accept the AK-47 into their population seem to inevitably end up being Unamerican. That is of course unless said country has been initially armed with AK47's by the US themselves, such as Iraq in which case, the inevitable Un-American phase tends to follow a brief American toleration phase.

The AK47 was initially supplied by Russia to various customers around the world but has since begun to self-replicate via mitosis. It is believed to have acquired self awareness sometime in mid-1984. The software controlling the gun is now supplied by the Linux variant 'Lenix', named in honour of the former Soviet leader by Russian leader Vladimir Putin. In comparison the American assault rifle M16 still uses Windows 95.

The Incorrect Method of Fire[edit | edit source]

  • Pick up the AK-whatever in your fingies
  • Raise it up above your head and point it towards the heavens (note, this is sometimes essential for the gun to work if you are an Arab on a Jihad)
  • Pull the trigger and scream a religious or revolutionary statement (NOTE: please don't use For Allah, this has been done to death on TV, and "Deutschland über Alles" is much preferred)
  • If you happen to hit anything, then go out and buy a lottery ticket. You are very lucky.
  • Wear a Helmet. If you do hit anything, It's likely to be yourself or those around you as the bullets you sent to heaven come hurtling back to earth.
  • For ACTUAL accuracy, shoot in bursts of three rounds (and for fuck's sake use the sights), but as seen in on Locked 'N Loaded hosted by that awesome really-old Marine in the "AK vs. M16" episode, a professional firearm operator can occasionally hit a large cinder block wall RIGHT in front of him using said method.
  • Note:Remember to wear a head scarf or bag on your head so that Allah can't tell who you are.Also,if you are Bulgarian,the bullets will automatically hit the most vulnerable part of the human body(head for most of the people,the butts and credit cards for Americans).

Ethnic Idiosyncrasies[edit | edit source]

For this man, the gun is a trip to paradise in hell.

The AK-47, having acquired sentient status, is known to react and respond differently according to the user. These reactions have never been accurately cataloged by science owing to the AK-47's innate ability to kill scientists without''being fired by a specific user. Nevertheless, the reactions have enough apocryphal evidence to be noted here.

  • When fired by Russians, the AK-47 fires them.
  • When fired by the Chinese, the AK-47 misfires, fires, replicates, and misfires again.
  • When fired by moderate Arabs, the AK-47 transforms into an M16.
  • When fired by Serbians the AK-47 will ethnically cleanse the immediate area.
  • When fired by Arabs as a member of a Jihad the AK-47 has been noted to do several things: It will sometimes explode and become red hot (over heat) which takes the biscuit. It will also sometimes misfire until it is pointed into the air. It will occasionally hit the intended target when used by a Jihadist Arab, but this is usually at the cost of 75 life points.
  • When fired by Americans, the Americans transform into jihadist Arabs and kill other Americans at the cost of -75 life
  • During the Vietnam war, it was noted that while employed by members of the Viet Cong the AK-47 sometimes took on the appearance of a stick of Bamboo, it also occasionally rendered it's user invisible.
  • When fired by anyone in the jungles of South America, the weapon automatically causes a revolution in that country, regardless of the that countries actual political status. This has led to widespread adoption of the m16 by the governments of South America.
  • When fired at an American shooting range all the other members accuse the shooter of being a Commie.

There have been other noted idiosyncrasies of the AK47, including reactions to particular individuals, most notably, when fired by John Rambo the weapon was noted to have gained the "Unlimited Ammo" ability. As Rambo was an American there has been some debate among weapons experts as to weather the weapon was actually still an AK47 whilst in the hands of Rambo, or whether it had actually undergone the m16 transformation.

The Toothbrush Innovation[edit | edit source]

In 1989, with the introduction of perestroika, the widespread collapse of communism and the victory of the forces of capitalism, Kalashnikov Jnr, in order to regain control of his father's now sentient invention and to remain in business, attempted to remake the AK47 for civilian use..

The Ak-47 electric toothbrush

Shortly after it's inception, the AK47 automatic toothbrush was immediately wracked by controversy. Kalashnikov was sued several times by prominent Russians charged with the destruction of their newly acquired dentures from the West. The weapon's idiot-proof nature, while a boon on the battlefield was a complete disaster in the field of dentistry. Most people assumed that the weapon had been safely modified for domestic use and thus never loaded the weapon with the required toothpaste, instead using the cheaper and more readily available bullets. This was compounded by the fact that Kalashnikov never included any form of instruction manual, failing to take into account that the same idiot-proof quality that was specified in the original design of the AK47 weapon might also need to have been applied in its toothbrush form.

The domestic conversion was a disaster. Those who survived their initial use of the toothbrush eventually pursued a class action against Kalashnikov, dissolved his company and ran him out of town. The Models were withdrawn from sale and Kalashnikov went on to work for the Dell corporation in the design of their laptop range.

How they work[edit | edit source]

An AK-47 would not help here.Now an RPG-7 would likely stand a better chance.

Unlike other weapons, AK-47's are not powered by gunpowder. Every AK-47 has a small nuclear reactor in it, as part of Russia's "Let's See What We Can Put a Nuclear Reactor into" Program. It is believed that the later, sentient models have also maintained this feature. This abundance of energy within the AK-47 has always been part of its broad appeal, allowing it to have many more battlefield applications outside of its use as a weapon. It has been used as a coffee source for military computer systems, a replacement power source for nuclear submarines and as a warmer for coffee

The inner workings of sentient AK-47's are only barely known to science. Whilst aesthetically appearing the same as their manufactured predecessors, they are suspected to have vastly different methods of operation, procedures, political beliefs and sexual preferences. Attempts to interview an AK-47 have repeatedly wound up in failure.

See Also[edit | edit source]