Desert Eagle

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That's one big motherfucking gun.

“The fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun. (draws his gun), and the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off.”

~ Bullet Tooth Tony on Desert Eagle

“Tell me, Mister Anderson. What good is such a big gun if you have no mouth?”

~ Agent Smith on Desert Eagle

“Dude, you're not making any sense”

~ Neo on Agent Smith


~ Agent Smith on Desert Eagle

“That bird's got a gun!?”

~ Anon on a desert eagle carrying a Desert Eagle

Desert Eagle by Jewish Global Industries also known as The Hand Jam Cannon is the biggest fucking pistol you'll ever see in every action film, blasting away the good, the bad and the ugly. At least, this is what 12 year olds will tell you. In reality, the Desert Eagle is a terrible, impractical, malfunctioning piece of shit that is famous of jamming every five shots. This gun fires a .357, .44, or .50 AE (Action Express), all which can be fired from a practical, durable, reliable revolver. The Deagle may look badass, but you would be playing Russian Roulette if you attempted to commit suicide with this weapon, because it only has a one in six chance of firing properly.

Why, you ask? We're glad you did. For several reasons:

  • Being an automatic and firing a magnum round or 50 cal is a stupid fucking idea in the first place. It has more jam than Smuckers.
  • The Deagle is gas operated, which causes malfunctions.

Effects of recoil[edit | edit source]

An Octopus wielding a Desert Eagle

Being such a big piece, the DE has some know nasty side effects to it. Mainly, horrendous recoil. Having the equivalent of a 124Kg punch to it, the DE might cause some dire effects on its owners. The typical unprepared DE owner can be identified by having the following:

  • Displaced shoulders
  • A very big dent in their forehead
  • No Arms
  • Very long arms
  • A disproportional large upper body
  • Missing in counter strike
  • Dis
  • Brain damage, and under Common circumstances Brain death.
  • Down syndrome
  • Parkinson's disease.
  • Erectile Dysfunction
  • A Large Amount of Shit in your pants.
  • A feeling that you just got run over by 45 Trucks and then savagely beaten
  • Death, because it will likely not fire properly and your enemy will kill you.
  • Broken wrists.

The DE in popular culture[edit | edit source]

A Desert Eagle wielding an Octopus
  • Anyone who claims to know anything about guns will always mouth off about the 'Deagle'.
  • These people don't really know what they're talking about but it gives them what they perceive to be wang value.
  • People who think they know about guns are irritating, avoid them and don't listen to them unless they actually do know about guns... otherwise you're just encouraging them.
  • Under no circumstances should a small child ever have access to a DE UNLESS there is a very apparent existence of zombies within 500 miles of said child's location.
  • The inaccurate piece of crap in Call of Duty 4, typically sought after by fat noobs, who have not yet become morbidly obese. WARNING: RECOIL CAN AND WILL BREAK YOUR SCREEN.
  • The above is not true. Do NOT read any of the above sentence. If you have read it, then you need to take a Deagle and shoot your NOOB A$$ in the face. Its shiny.
  • The above is not true either and was written by fat noob.
  • Movies use this gun. They are posers.
  • Anyone who ACTUALLY knows something about guns will most likely hate the Desert Eagle.

People known to be using the Desert Eagle[edit | edit source]

For Limited Time Only! The babe is included

Important Notice: The Desert Eagle is not to be confused with the Desert Beagle.