Technical support is a crisis line, ran by some companies to provide the assistance in mind calming and stress relief that may be necessary after dealing with they products, people and websites. Like any other psychological service, support never actually solves (or even tries to solve) your problem; it is not they area of competence. Instead, they are highly competent in raising you self esteem so you could take yourself into hands and find yourself the way to get the product working. One of the tricks to achieve this is to show that the support guy or girl knows even less about the product leave alone about your problem. A good starting point is to demonstrate complete unawareness on which problems are possible, which products they may need to support, which company do they belong and how at the end have they got into this planet, immediately forced to talk with some horrible local creature, you. The best known support phrases, common in software community, are RTFM (Read The Friendly Manual) and STFW (Search The Friendly Web). Big companies that sell expensive products have they own ways just to tell you just the same in a more verbose way.
The Invention of Tech Support[edit | edit source]
Tech Support was invented by Satan nearly 20 years ago, as a place to store lost souls whilst the 7 Spheres of Hell were being refurbished. Since then, it has been driving people up the wall and causing heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms, and STDs. Tech Support has proved such a great success that it has become a staple method of modern torture, utilized by petty despots around the world.
Tech Support Workers[edit | edit source]
Tech Support workers are some of the most bitter individuals you will never, ever meet. This is due to the fact they don't make enough money for helping you, and despite all the nice bullshit they tell you, they really do not give a rat's ass about your problem, you, or even your mom. This has led Tech Support to become one of Satan's leading tools of torture.
Providing Tech Support to STUPID customers is the leading cause of baldness, schizophrenia, manfully crying, and kitten huffing in south-western Bangladesh. The scientific community believes that it is possible to overdose on Tech Support, leading to death, the death penalty, and the blue screen of death. However, this has been disputed by Charlie Sheen, Uncle Sam and Al Qaeda.
Studies by impotent and influenzal Scientologists conclude that committing suicide while cross-dressing during a game of Russian Roulette is approximately 275% more enjoyable than enduring Tech Support of any kind.
Phone Support[edit | edit source]
We're sorry. We do not offer support on Microsoft products. To go back, press #
If you trying to get assistance an on order, press 1. If you need support on a Microsoft product, press 2.
Thank you. Please wait while your call is being connected.
(Annoying Elevator music plays in background)
Online Support[edit | edit source]
***Andrew enters Chat room***
Support: Hello Andrew. I'm Brenda. :-)
Support: I understand you're having trouble with your computer. :)
Andrew: Yes. Everytime I run AOL 8.0, my computer suddenly reboots.
Support: Could you start AOL and tell me what it says.
Andrew: Why would I do that? That would just make my computer restart....
Support: I can't help you if you don't help me. :-(
Andrew: Fine bitch..
***Andrew has left the chat***
Support: Sir? Are you there? :-|
***Support has left the chat***
Mail Support[edit | edit source]
To: Tech Support
I bought your product just today and it broke. I need a new one.
(90 days later.....)
From: Tech Support
We're sorry, your warranty has expired. Thank you for doing business with Apple.
Have a nice day!
Users Are Stupid[edit | edit source]
Sometimes this effective form of torture backfires and the victims themselves become the ones actually conjuring up a living Hell. Nonetheless, Tech Support is a very safe and fun experience that any damned soul can sign up for at the local torture office.
Tech Support: Good morning, how can I help you?
Caller: My computer is smoking.
Tech Support: Sounds like you need a new power supply, let me get your information...
Caller: No I think it's a problem with my autoexec.bat file.
Tech Support: Sir that would not make your computer smoke.
Caller: Well let me read it to you just to be sure... (reads contents of autoexec.bat)
Tech Support: Sounds like that's correct, so let's examine the power supply...
Caller: No wait it might be my config.sys file...
Tech Support: Sir, I really think this is an issue with your power supply.
Caller: (reads contents of config.sys)
Tech Support: (exasperated) Have you installed Microsoft's newest version of nosmoke.exe?
Caller: No, I haven't! THAT must be it! I'll call Microsoft and get that, thanks!
(the next day)
Tech Support: Good afternoon, how can I help you?
Caller: Yeah hi, I called Microsoft and they said their latest version of nosmoke.exe is incompatible with my current power supply. Can I get a new one?
Occasionally, the Tech Support guys gain an unwanted insight into the caller's personal life:
Caller: I've got a problem with pop-ups on my computer screen...
Techie: Sounds like you've picked up a virus, but we'll look into your browser. (Techie goes through configuration processes)
Caller: No, they're still coming up.
Techie: Right, could you give me a clue to what these pop-ups read?
Caller: They seem to be all about gay dating sites...
Techie: Hmmm... (slight hint of incipient giggle in voice, but controlled just in time) Have you updated your security software?
Caller: Yes, and I've run a scan without any joy.
Techie: Right, no names of any viruses showing up... sometimes there are downloadable removal tools you can find... no joy there.
Caller: Yeah, might have to reload Windows.
Techie: Well, you could try a system restore, but it might not work.
Caller: OK, might try that.
Techie: Have you visited any new sites that might have been infected? That might explain where you got this from.
Caller: Can't think of any. Hang on, I'll check the History... hmmm. OK... S'cuse me while I have a word with my husband...
(Sounds of full blown marital in background. Telephone goes down.)
Techie: Good day, jow can I help you?
Caller: Hello, did you change my account password?
Techie: No, don't you remember it?
Caller: I saw my friend typing the password 5 minutes ago, and I'm typing the same thing, but it doesn't work...
Techie: OK... what is your password?
Caller: Six stars.
See also[edit | edit source]
External Links[edit | edit source]
|Methods of Torture|
|Catholic Mass | Gay Bars | Liberal Media | Oprah | Transcription | Elevators|
|Tech Support | The French | Tofu | Wikipedia | The Von Stauberg Institute | Nyan cat | Spanish Inquisition|