Uncle Sam
Uncle Sam | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Eternal Supreme Uncle of this Great United States of America | |
| Assumed office July 4th, 1776 | |
| 1st United States Ambassador to God | |
| Assumed office July 4th, 1776 | |
| Ultra-Supreme Court Justice for All | |
| Assumed office July 4th, 1776 | |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Political party | Independent but always agrees with you...unless if you're a Communist in which case GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY COUNTRY! |
| Spouse(s) | Lady Columbia (m.1806-div.1886) Lady Liberty (m.1886-present) |
| Children | 50 beautiful children and Puerto Rico, who by the way is adopted. |
| Residence | America |
| Salary | $1.05 |
Samuel America McFreedom, also known as Uncle Sam of America, the Man of Opportunity, Captain America, Sr., the Man of the Free, the One Man Under God, Sir Liberty, or the 
STAR-SPANGLED BADASS is the human manifestation of freedom and the spiritual uncle of all Americans. Born on July 4, 1776 in Philadelphia, Uncle Sam has been dedicated to protecting your freedom and liberty from day one, even occasionally going out of his way to liberate the oppressed people of oil-rich countries and win two entire world wars in a row with his red, white and blue eyes shut. In exchange for his sacrifices, he demands we show constant praise for his heroism and the American Dream he has so graciously given to us, just by singing the national anthem so obnoxiously loud at every sporting event and pledging to him at every school. Americans worship Uncle Sam in a religion known as Patriotism.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Samuel was born on July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as a result of a sevensome intercourse between seven dads Samuel liked to refer to as his Founding Fathers, who raised him on strict guidelines known as the Constitution. His favorite father, George Washington, was the head of the household. He laid some ground rules for young Samuel:
- You shall not have any parties.
- Don't get into other people's business.
- Don't get into any close relationships with anybody.
However, it wasn't long after that Samuel's fathers got into a nasty divorce and fought for custody over Samuel. There was even an instance when one of his dads got shot in a duel. This rough childhood led him to be extra rebellious in his teenage phase, and he broke all of Washington's ground rules. He started having lots of parties, have XYZ affairs with beautiful French mistresses, and got into fights with Berber pirate gangs in the 'hood.
Samuel tried to get his northern brother from the upstairs into his messed up habits, and even screw over with their Grandfather Britain by toilet-papering his house.
Later Life[edit | edit source]
Appropriately became referred to as Drunk Insolvent Uncle Sam.
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