Uncle Sam
Uncle Sam | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Eternal Supreme Uncle of this Great United States of America | |
| Assumed office July 4th, 1776 | |
| 1st United States Ambassador to God | |
| Assumed office July 4th, 1776 | |
| Ultra-Supreme Court Justice for All | |
| Assumed office July 4th, 1776 | |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Political party | Independence, mothafucka![1] |
| Spouses |
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| Children | 50 and Puerto Rico (adopted) |
| Residence | America |
| Salary | $1.05 |
Samuel America McFreedom, also known as Uncle Sam of America, the Man of Opportunity, Captain America, Sr., the Man of the Free, the One Man Under God, Sir Liberty, or the 
STAR-SPANGLED BADASS is the human manifestation of freedom and the spiritual uncle of all Americans. Born on July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, Uncle Sam has been dedicated to protecting your freedom and liberty from day one, even occasionally going out of his way to liberate the oppressed people of oil-rich countries and win two entire world wars in a row with his red, white and blue eyes shut. In exchange for his sacrifices, he demands we show constant praise for his heroism and the American Dream he has so graciously given to us, just by singing the national anthem so obnoxiously loud at every sporting event and pledging to him at every school. Americans worship Uncle Sam in a religion known as Patriotism.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Sam was born on July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as a result of a sevensome intercourse among seven dads Sam liked to refer to as his Founding Fathers, who raised him on strict guidelines known as the Constitution. In particular, Sam's Founding Fathers had refused to pay rent to their landlord, John Bull, who jacked up the prices significantly without representation also didn't appreciate their sevensome relationship, leading to a nasty shootout in which Sam's dads finally won independence from John Bull.
His favorite father, George Washington, was the head of the newly independent household. He laid some ground rules for young Sam:
- You shall not have any parties.
- Don't get into other people's business.
- Don't get into any close relationships with anybody.
However, it wasn't long after Washington told the world he was "peacing out" that Sam's six other dads got into a nasty divorce, fighting for custody over Sam. There was even an instance when one of his dads got his ass capped in a gunfight. This rough childhood led him to be extra rebellious in his teenage phase, and he broke all of Washington's wack-ass ground rules. Sam started having lots of parties, got into XYZ affairs with beautiful French hoes, and got into fights with Berber pirate gangs in the 'hood.
In 1790, Samuel moved from his shitty hometown in Philadelphia to a new, beautiful ass White House on the Potomac River. He named his new home after his favorite dad, George Washington, and his favorite superhero comic books, DC Comics. Hence, the name of his new home was Washington, DC.
Uncle Sam hit his first growth spurt after his second-greatest dad, Thomas Jefferson, purchased it from Napoleon the Short in the 1800s. Sam refers to this as his "Louisiana Puberty". He became stronger and wiser as he aged into adulthood, and this would prove to be useful to Uncle Sam in the Dysfunctional Family Crisis of 1812.
Sam tried to get his northern brother from the upstairs into his messed-up habits, and even screw over their Grandfather John Bull by toilet-papering his house. Canada,[2] who was secretly a mole for Grandpa Bull, snitched on Sam, allowing Grandpa Bull to carry out a drive-by shooting and burned down Sam's new crib in an attempt to make Sam his bitch again. However, Sam, despite taking a bullet to the jaw, tapped into his newly-gained street smarts and toughness, screamed "FREEDOM, MOTHAFUCKA!" and blew a tire in Grandpa Bull's getaway car before ripping out the engine and smacking Grandpa Bull down with his new "third leg", all without the help of his founding fathers this time around. A big boi indeed. Grandpa Bull then claimed that he was only trying to see if Sam had grown some "cojones" and left him be, having gained respect for the young lad. Sam agreed not to toilet paper Grandpa Bull's house, and the two officially squashed their beef and became homies.
Playa-hating on his Latino neighbors[edit | edit source]
Sammy boy, unaware of what "cojones" meant, realized he "finna learn some Spanish". So he hung out with his Spanish-speaking neighbors next door, who were all amazed by Sam's ability to tell his grandpa to "fuck off". In turn, all of them were inspired to tell their own landlady and grandma, Señora Hispania, to go "vete a la chingada," getting into independent shootouts with her and her cronies and running off with their own "Padres Fundadores". Well, all of Sam's neighbors did that, aside from El Hombre Floridense. Señora Hispania then got tired of his "goofy-ass face" and evicted him, telling him to go hang out with Sam instead. Sam adapted El Hombre Floridense, who changed his name to "Florida Man" and became Sam's bitch.
Sam became tight with one Latino brotha in particular, Mexico. However, Mexico started getting annoying, competed for the attention of a bitch named "Manifest Destinee"[3] and kept flexing Texas in front of Sam. When Mexico even started getting creepy and named his plot of land after Sam's, calling his plot of land the United States of Mexico after Sam's United States of America, then proposed that he, Sam, and J. Cole were the "Big Three" of the free world, Sam blew a fuse, then found a way to swindle lil Mexico out of Texas. Sam also dropped a diss track in which he rhymed "MotherFUCK the big three, it's just Big ME!" He also dissed Mexico for not having an official personification like himself or even Canada's Johnny Canuck and claimed Manifest Destinee was his alone.
Bipolar/split-personality episode[edit | edit source]
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Sam eventually began drinking old apple juice, which he didn't realize had fermented into hard cider, getting himself shit-faced as a result. While shitfaced, he then began arguing with himself over slaves, developing two personalities: Billy Yank and Johnny Reb.
Later life[edit | edit source]
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Appropriately, Sam became referred to as Drunk Insolvent Uncle Sam.
Despite speaking like a hoodlum, Uncle Sam finally got his N word pass when Obama became president and thus leader of the Free World. He subsequently squandered it after allowing the Orange Man to take over.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ No, not that weird-ass party. Uncle Sam is a free mothafucka and always agrees with you and vibes with all parties...unless you're a Communist in which case he says "GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY COUNTRY!"
- ↑ Later personified as "Johnny Canuck", taking the name Johnny after his bitch-ass grandpa. Canada didn't earn his name until he became independent, but without a shootout and by kissing ass like a pussy. In fact, Johnny Canuck unknowingly remains Grandpa Bull's bitch to this day.
- ↑ Sam's main chick at the time, Lady Columbia, wasn't too impressed with him ogling Destinee, but he promised to keep Lady C his "wifey" and said Destinee was only some "chick from work"
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