Crack Cocaine

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Not to be confused with Cocaine, this is the cheap and nasty version.
Crack cocaine in its purest form. Sometimes mistaken for a very mature cheddar.

Crack Cocaine (also called: Crack, Krack, rock, wood, work, cavvy, iron, base or anything else that can be easily confused for something entirely unrelated) is a cheap and very addictive form of cocaine enjoyed by anybody that doesn't have money but does have a spectacularly bad life-style. The lack of money comes about because of the crack cocaine, not the other way around. Users are almost always white trash without jobs and can be bought from 90% of shady characters standing on the streets of Chicago. The remaining 10% being undercover cops, looking to shoot fish in a barrel. After injecting, snorting or smoking crack it is very hard to determine how the user is feeling, as they are floating on a cloud somewhere, however it can be described very accurately as being "high as fuck".

Side effects from frequent abuse of crack include: Psychosis, insomnia, weight loss, beating up loved ones and a very empty wallet. The recipe for crack cocaine is known and followed by every Columbian ever.

History[edit | edit source]

Crack was discovered by bakers when they accidentally mixed some baking powder with cocaine. It's popularity increased over the 20th century with many musicians writing songs about their favorite drug with completely not racist titles like "Back to Black". As you would expect some musicians OD'd and that was the end of them.

In film, portrayal of crack heads is a good way to give jobs to the clinically insane. A certified lunatic makes a better crack addict impersonation than the best actors available.

Synthesis[edit | edit source]

All you will ever need.

Like every synthetic narcotic known to science, Wikipedia has an extensive and detailed rundown on how to produce the substance. For this and legal reasons the how of this topic will be as vague as can be made possible.

For the seasoned crack addict, obtaining Cocaine-Hydrochloride and performing a series of very basic chemical reactions with substances found in every kitchen cupboard on the planet, is the cheapest way to obtain it. However since most crack heads cannot be trusted with anything involving chemistry in the slightest it is usually up to a dodgy character wearing decrepit clothes a beanie and some goggles to do the synthesis. More than likely a crack head themselves, it is unsurprising the amount of adulterated crack exists on the streets.

Colombian role[edit | edit source]

See Also: Colombia

Colombia is the single biggest producer of coke on the planet. The reason for this is quite simply: Growing and using cocaine in Colombia is perfectly legal. It is technically speaking because cocaine has a number of traditional uses by natives, but the reason 75% of the worlds coke comes from Colombia is the government doesn't give a fuck and is extremely easily bribed to look the other way when it comes to illegal drug exports.

Once Colombia had set up the United States with relatively expensive Cocaine, the United States developed Crack from it. Via the chemical process shown on the Wikipedia article they not only increased the volume, but also reduced the amount needed to feel awesome. Now cocaine was also the drug for poor people, hurrah! Sadly due to its addictive nature and ability to remove all motivation from anyone, most addicts do not work and are still extremely poor despite how cheap it is. However, no matter how rapidly the old market dies off (quite rapidly due to cardiac arrest) it can always be sold to kids!

Side effects[edit | edit source]

Short term[edit | edit source]

People under the influence of the drug may experience a brief, yet overwhelming urge to punch children in the head or strangle random hookers they find on the street. Hence users may have bruised knuckles and the thoughts of "what the fuck did I do last night?" after using. Nobody cares about children getting abused because there are plenty more children where they came from and we all know how it's the child's fault their mummy or daddy is a crack head.

Other less amusing symptoms include headache, nausea, restlessness, dilated pupils, coma and death. The last two only if you are confused and overdose. Crack also makes you confused.

Unlike the long term side effects of the drug, the average user does not give a fuck about a mild headache or desire to repeatedly throw up (see: Alcoholic) as "it will pass" and feeling crap is a small price to pay for feeling awesome. However the long term effects are what every crack head tries to avoid. Like the pack a day smoker who is determined to not get lung cancer they persist in the consistent belief that "it won't happen to them".

Long term[edit | edit source]

Your mother. This is why you never had good toys and this is why you were always covered with bruises.

Long term abuse of Crack leaves you with the look of being figuratively fucked (and probably literally as well). After a while, you start to run out of money to buy your precious crack so you resort to stealing it off drug lords or fucking drug lords to get some. All this leaves you severely battered, bruised and resembling something that just crawled out of a horror film. On top of that, the drug generally fucks with your brain and physical appearance. Men tend to have eyes that are permanently bloodshot, be covered in marks that don't heal and look like 80% of the characters taken from Breaking Bad. Women tend to end up dressing like sluts whilst at the same time looking completely gross (see also: blowjob). They can be taken to look like the other 20%.

Not even once, man.

"Crack heads"[edit | edit source]

See Also: Amy Winehouse

Crack heads are people that look like they have been run over by a bus. Repeatedly. We do not say this as a figure of speech by any means. Crack heads are also typically black and unpredictable, willing to blow for $2 (gender or sexuality aside). These people are arguably more cocaine than man.

They are also very much identifiable by their house (usually owned by somebody else or a rented caravan, deep in hillbilly country.) With the magpie like attraction to "shiny things" and desire to hoard as much useless crap as possible it is a wonder how they have not been crushed by a falling stack of newspapers yet. If you should be a small child with a Frisbee on the street and your Frisbee lands on a property matching that description, be sure to retrieve it whilst holding a loaded rifle or better yet, buy a new Frisbee.

Crack and violence[edit | edit source]

Crack is the driving force behind wonderful social problems like; domestic violence, rape and child abuse. Given how high strung crack makes you and how fucking psycho crack withdrawal makes you, many addicts do the most wonderful thing any family member can do and take it out on their loved ones. Crack also causes another type of violence, gang violence where people are brutally murdered with swords or hacked to bits with chainsaws just for stealing crack, or for invading the territory of a rival gang.

Since of course it concerns only the black and the poor, Nobody Cares.

See Also[edit | edit source]