Lean (drug)
Lean is a beverage that has left an undeniably wine-coloured stain on music and nightlife culture. Emerging in the mid-20th century, it has since became the drink of choice for young people, especially musicians seeking relaxation, inspiration, and an excuse to perform while swaying uncontrollably and hoping nobody notices.
Known for its distinct purple hue and "chill" side effects, lean has been the unofficial sponsor of late-night jam sessions and impromptu naps on stage.
Initiation[edit | edit source]
It was African-American blues musician Jarquavious S. Bluntholomew, a morbidly obese and struggling alcoholic whose worsening coryza sparked the creation of the purple drank one Friday afternoon during September 1963. Reluctant to postpone his upcoming gig at the Picklepalooza with the Jelly Bellies up until the following fortnight, Bluntholomew grabbed a pot of paracetamol suspension and combined it with his hourly dosage of booze, resulting in the creation of a particularly scrumptious aubergine-coloured liquor. Far from alleviating his cold, this liquor instead made Bluntholomew feel incredibly hot. Eager to demonstrate to his bandmates what this magical purple potion could do, Bluntholomew and his mates happened upon each other at the local Houstonian tavern where they witnessed first-hand the drink's effects.
Bluntholomew, who was of great renown for his corpulent anatomy which weighed a whopping 400 pounds, causing him great trouble with reclining on anything less than a sturdy sofa, had the thirst quencher famously dubbed "lean" in his honour by his fellow musicians, who affectionately nicknamed him "Blunts".[1] His struggle to stay upright whilst sipping the potion, paired with his sweat-soaked discomfort, became the stuff of legend, and soon the concoction was forever linked to his name, much like his legendary reclining woes. Intrinsically, he could no longer put down the cup, and neither could his comrades once they took one sip of the purple potion. They raised toasts of lean for nights to come, each sip further cementing the elixir's place in their music-fueled lives.
Popularisation[edit | edit source]
On 7 December 1963, the Jelly Bellies – the very obscure blues rock band in which Blunts played as lead singer – released their first album to the world, titled Lean is the Dream. Composed of twelve tracks, all of them having something to do with the purple drank in one way or another, Lean is the Dream quickly became a viral sensation among tippling houses in Texas and eventually the whole United States. In no less than a week, "Smells Like Lean Spirit", "Billie Lean" and "Dancing Lean" all secured spots on the Billboard Top 100. By Christmas, their magnum opus "Lean On" had climbed to tenth place in the charts. As the decade progressed, such dance crazes as "the robot" saw a rise in popularity. This is because most of the Jelly Bellies' die-hard fanatics believed the band to have somewhat of a perplexing fixation on "listing" to the side, oblivious to the true definition of "lean".
A new generation[edit | edit source]
In 1988, Blunts fell into a relationship with Dixie Recht. The couple married the following year and took it upon themselves to have a child, one they hope would inherit not only their shared love for purple drank but also their entrepreneurial spirit. The '90s brought forth a grand total of four stillbirths for the duo; however, their resolve to continue their family legacy never wavered. On 1 July 2001, David "Dave" Bluntholomew was born, ushering in a new chapter of the Blunts family's storied legacy. Even before his birth, Dave had been steeped in his father's purple obsession, the recipe for which had already been ingrained into the mind of a zygotic Dave, allowing for his dependence on the purple potion to outlast his father's. Consequently, Dave already weighed an estimated 100 pounds at two years of age, reportedly consuming cups of purp around the clock.
Details of Dave's early childhood remain scarce, but by the age of nine, his infamous purple drank addiction reached a breaking point. After being caught mixing a concoction of soda, cough syrup and chocolate in the back of the classroom, Dave's chemistry teacher, Michael Garnica had him promptly expelled. Banished to East Locust School, Iowa, a notorious institution populated by drug addicts who were more likely to be found trading narcotics undercover rather than homework assignments, Dave's life began to take an even darker turn. Instead of focusing on his studies, Dave quickly assimilated into his new environment. Here, he began smoking weed and picking up bad habits, such as orchestrating shady deals behind the school gym, and most importantly, perfecting his purple drank recipe, hoping to follow in his father's footsteps and serve the lean dream to society.
By the time he hit sixteen, Dave's reputation as the "Purple Prince" of East Locust was legendary. Trading sizzurp stayed the vogue for five consecutive years among both students and teachers alike. Dave had become a living embodiment of indulgence, rolling in dough, leaning into every ounce of fame, and of course, living in the fast lane with his signature drink in hand. Having amassed a total of 500 pounds in weight by this point, the future of Dave Blunts and his cup of syrup seemed promising.
Popularisation II: The Continuation[edit | edit source]
2018 saw Dave Blunts enter the music business to further spread the lean dream to the masses, where he began recording and releasing music on Facebook, the most cutting-edge platform of the era. His debut single, "Pour Up, Lean Down", quickly gained traction among Minion meme-posting baby boomers and conservatives who mistook it for a gospel song. However, it wasn't until his sophomore single, "Lean With It, Seize With It", that Dave truly broke into the mainstream, solidifying lean's dominance in pop culture. The song, which featured a beat so slow it was measured in BPM (Blunts Per Minute) instead of beats per minute, became an instant cult classic among both SoundCloud rappers and retirement home residents alike. Soon, Dave was headlining sold-out concerts at pharmacies nationwide, with fans eagerly waiting in line for their prescription-strength VIP passes and double-cupped mosh pits becoming the norm.
Arguably Dave Blunts' most famous single, titled "The Cup" – a memoir in the form of a rap song documenting his expulsion from school and lean obsession – was showcased to the public on 21 June 2024, providing him with enough funds to eat all by force on the seventh course once millions of TikTok users quit turning a blind eye to his magnum opus, lent an ear to his biography and began declaring his composition, in their words, "peak". Eventually, as do most hits that take off, "The Cup" was eventually accompanied by a music video five months after the initial song's release – an over-the-top spectacle featuring such imagery as the abdominous rapper falling through a lean vortex promising to leave behind a crater with the radius of 47 football pitches when he inevitably crash-lands back to Earth.
With the release of "The Cup", lean as a whole became even more associated with a symbol of rebellion, excess, and luxury, particularly among youth, who immediately traded in their Prime for cough syrup and alcohol. The song turned the act of sipping lean into a form of self-expression, representing the rejection of societal norms and a lifestyle of indulgence, where the only thing more potent than their lean was their refusal to drink anything lacking a prescription.
Current situation[edit | edit source]
According to various surveys, 62% of rap numbers released after "The Cup" have referenced lean in some form, be it a casual mention, an entire chorus dedicated to the purple drank, or a full-on extended metaphor about it. Kudos to the Blunts' family's efforts in cementing lean a place in popular culture, lean has become synonymous with the lifestyle promoted by gangsta rappers: luxury, rebellion, and, so it seems, an ongoing battle to stay upright without slurring a single word.
The legality of lean as of present is a bit of a grey area. While the drink is technically legal in most areas, codeine – one of the most core ingredients of lean present in modern-day recipes[3] – requires a prescription. So, unless one possesses an extraordinary ability to convince a local pharmacist that a very specific cold requires something a little more purple, it could lead to some questionable legal territory. In layman's terms, lean is akin to an uninvited guest: technically fine until it overstays its welcome. Sipping it might not raise eyebrows, though too many double cups and some slurring may prompt some awkward interrogations.
Related information[edit | edit source]
Many a citation[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Ironically, back then, Bluntholomew wouldn't have known a blunt from a breadstick. Though, he probably would have tried to dip both in ketchup just to see what all the fuss was about.
- ↑ A CGI replica of Blunts was erected for this very shot; Blunts' actual size simply makes a vortex of such insignificance completely unrealistic.
- ↑ A plethora of recipes for lean exist, however only Dave Blunts and his father possess the sacred knowledge of all of them, a legacy to be passed down through generations of lean addicts, assuming Dave Blunts' current 800-pound stature allows for that to happen.
