Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™
Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™ is a soft drink made by MassCo; it is a self described alternative to fruit juice that contains 100% artificial fruit juice with 0 natural ingredients.
Conception[edit | edit source]
The drink was conceived in 1861 by Oscar Wilde on a regular autumn day. He was having trouble finding a fruit juice that he liked, he had tried every fruit juice that was available to him but the sweet-natural taste didn't fit well with him; on one of his many shopping trips, he asked a store clerk what type of alternative to fruit juice was there and the store clerk replied "water." Oscar Wilde didn't find the suggestion acceptable and said to the clerk "I'm going to make an alternative to fruit juice, one that isn't filled with nature and sweetness." and went off into his laboratory to work on the drinks.
He combined all kinds of chemical compounds from the normal H2O to the unknown CK50A, he didn't care what he was combining as long as it tasted good. After many combinations, he finally came up with one that tasted a bit like cherry; he enjoyed it to the point where his own creation would become his favorite fruit juice ever. Seeking to profit from his creation, he put it to the market as quickly as he can. At first, people weren't convinced to drop their fruit juice for Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™ because the sweet nature of fruit juice was good enough for them but after he attracted a niche market of people who didn't like the natural nature of fruit juice; people became convinced that it was somehow "better than fruit juice" and started downing the drink like it was candy.
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
Each bottle of Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™ contains at least 32 ingredients ranging from sodium to red dye #40, the combination which is used is a top secret of MassCo but there is one fact that is well known; water is the only natural ingredient, every ingredient is hand manufactured in a factory in order to provide that super artificial taste that you love. Top MassCo scientists are busy at hand figuring out which molecules go with which so they can provide you with the flavor you love, or at least something that tastes like cherry.
Flavors[edit | edit source]
There are several known flavors of Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™.
- Original Cherry - The cherry fruit juice that started it all.
- Crazy Apple Grape - An odd combination of Apple and Grape with added sourness.
- Chill Blueberry - A fermented mix of blueberries.
- O.W.B.P - Stands for "Orange, Watermelon, Banana, Pineapple. A mix of all 4 fruits in the most tastiest manner possible.
- Cola - Not normally a fruit juice but somehow these guys made it into fruit juice.
- Twisted Spike Punch - A flavor unlike any other flavor, somehow tastes like pineapple, mango and sweetness all in one.
- Clear - The clearest fruit juice you can get, you can literally taste the sweetness inside it.
Cancelled flavors[edit | edit source]
- Special Sludge - Formulated using battery acid from a Ford F-150, this flavor was discontinued after it caused the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.
Criticism[edit | edit source]
Some say that because of the artificial nature of the drink, many people's lifespans can be expectedly shortened. In many cases, support groups often go out of their way to prevent the sale of Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™ in their local supermarkets; with many of them degrading into battles with police. Protestors have desired to see a natural version of the artificial drink available, claiming that the artificial nature of the drink is likely to cause death and the company marketing the drink believes only in profit. The fact that Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™ causes death has been disproven in scientific studies conducted by the government.
One such case made national attention when a kid drinking the juice suddenly had a seizure and died. The parents quickly sued MassCo for wrongful death and reprisal in the form of $20 million, stating that the drink lead to his death. MassCo, being the corporation that it is, issued a statement that said "the fact that it's an artificial drink is listed on the bottle itself, these parents can't blame us for the death of their kid because the parents weren't able to control them. Drinking this is a choice, it's not like we're forcing this down their throats." Unsatisfied, they refused to drop the case and ultimately, the family lost their case and was forced to pay MassCo money for legal reimbursement. The case is an example of what happens when people try to sue big corporations.
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