Uses of Ginger Ale
When imbibed, ginger ale causes a vaiety of haalucinogenic effects, including slapdashery, hullabalooism, and apodemoniasis. While created primarily as a beverage to be drank while on airplanes, many people in the southern part of Africa use it as a cleaning agent for imported Malaysian frescoes.
In 1215, mere days after the signing of the Magna Carta (or, in English, Big-ass Wagon) Fonziblad the Mad, aching for a return to his native Poland from the slums of London, left the Drury Lane Inn and Laundromat on Fleet Street without paying his bill of three pounds, four shillings, nine pence, six knuts, and a zorkmid. The innkeeper, a witch of no small talent, laid a curse on Fonziblad that he should never again see his beautiful wife, Moniqua, until he built an altar to the great god Shazam, or at least send back the money with interest when he got home.
Unfortunately for Fonziblad, the curse got garbled in transit by the Magus Storm in Berlin. Historians believe this was due to a temporal disruption caused by The Doctor's attempt to restore Optimus Prime to full power following a long party. The curse took hold, but its geas became more of a suggestion to find something nice to drink, rather than to do all of that other stuff.
Upon Fonziblad's return to Krakow, he discovered that some Smurfs had set up a still in his garden to ferment their thrice-damned Smurfberries. Fonziblad enlisted the help of the sorcerer Gargamel to eradicate the pests from his garden. Once the little bastards were all trapped, the two wizards made a nice stew and managed to preserve some of the meat for winter. Fonziblad confiscated the equipment and set it up in a shed. His experiments led him to add sassafrass leaves to the Smurfberry liquor, creating the first ginger ale.
Fonziblad was later executed for heresy when he proclaimed his pet chicken to be the Archbishop of Warsaw.
Ginger ale was a craze in eastern Europe in the early 1300s, but it had fallen out of favor by 1450. Most of Europe's aristocracy turned to more available beverages, given that the Smurfberry crops had suffered several years of drought.
The English court of the mid 1500s saw a resurgence in the popularity of Ginger ale when Anne Boleyn, second wife of King Hennery-the-Eighth IAMIAM, brought some into the court under her voluminous dress. The court went into an uproar until the judge pounded his gavel and sent bailiff Bull Shannon to restore order.
Ginger ale played a prominent role in the ascension of Peter the Great to the throne of Russia. When Petya the Little was just a lad, he was always the butt of jokes in the schoolyard. One warm Russian winter day, Petya found a stash of ginger ale behind his uncle Oscar's dresser. When he drank it down, the hallucinations caused him to see a flock of miniature hummingbirds that taunted him incessantly. After the effects wore off, he found that he had inadvertently slaughtered his entire class at school, save one boy who told the tale to the principal. The principal declared the boy Peter the Great, and took him to the czar to be blessed with the royal scepter.
Peter's audience with the czar is not well recorded, but many historians believe that Czar Ivan the Terrible saw Peter's aura and abdicated on the spot. Other historians, notably those high on absinthe, believe that Ivan used a laser_beam to try to destroy Peter, but Peter swallowed the beam with his enormous froglike mouth.
In the 1490s, Spanish Queen Isabella (a.k.a. Jennifer Lopez) mistakenly imbibed a flagon of ginger ale before speaking with an Italian con man named Christpher (Robin) Columbus. When the effects of the tonic wore off, she found that she had given her husband's jewels to Christopher Robin in exchange for three magic beans. This is why the Spanish royalty died out, to be replaced with an Irish Setter, three geese, and a hammer.
Facts About Ginger Ale
- Ginger ale's hallucinogenic effects can be duplicated exactly by a blow to the left temple of exactly 8.72 lbs of force.
- Ginger ale has no calories, yet it can sustain a full grown woman for 30 days.
- Ginger ale's effervescence is caused not by carbonated water, nor by fermentation, but rather by a complex chemical reaction involving pure bunkium.
- Ginger ale is often used in police work to extract confessions from suspected (and most commonly Danish) criminals.
- Ginger ale can not be detected by a mass spectrometer.
- If you drop a diamond in ginger ale, it will reappear in another glass of ginger ale somewhere else on Earth.
- Ginger ale can restore tooth enamel worn away by cola.
- Peoples of Danish decent should not injest Ginger Ale. Once consumed it causes their intestines to bloat to extreme sizes, and when left untreated the magority of Danish subjects exposed to Ginger Ale explode violently after only a matter of hours. (Ginger Ale is Illigal in both Denmark, and the majority of the other Nordic states)
- Ginger ale in the United States always made from real gingers, minus their pubes.