Tea is the national drink of far too many places, including Saturn. While there are many types of tea, all of them suck (and blow) with the exception of 'your tea', the tea you make in your own home, nobody can hope to better or be compared with it. Tea is a major component in antimatter physics, and tastes nice with a chocolate suggestive biscuit as well. All Brits are born with a natural reflex that allows them to make a cup of tea without ever seeing one being made or being told how to. That is also the reason they say "It is not my cup of tea" if they dislike something. Even the PG Tips albino porch monkeys know how.
No matter the technicalities, when it comes down to it we crave some dried leaves, hot water and bovine lactation.
The origins of tea
Tea was inspired by the curiosity of what water mixed with food would taste like.
Tea was, in fact, the original "Note to follow Sol". Up until this point, everyone enjoyed their jam and bread with cups of La. Tea got fed up of being stuck behind Sol in the musical arpeggio and, with a swift left hook, smacked La in the face so hard that it sent him to another planet, and gave him the biggest black eye (unless adding milk to one's taste) ever seen. La eventually returned to the position following Sol. However, he has never since regained his former glory. He can now be seen making friends with scousers and being half a teletubby. Sol was nonchalant about the whole affair, responding when questioned with a simple "So?"
There are many different theories as to how tea was invented. The most popular theory goes that a monk was sitting in the grounds of a monastery underneath a tea tree, carefully drinking a bowl of boiling water, when a passing bird defecated in the bowl. In disgust, the monk threw the soiled water vertically into the tree. The water spread through the tree, dripping down onto the now thoroughly pissed off monk. Some of the water, which had now infused itself with the tea leaves, fell directly onto the monk's tongue, leaving the monk with a pleasant taste in his mouth (which helped to counterbalance the searingly intense pain incurred by having a bowlful of boiling hot water splashed all over him). After release from hospital, he rushed back to the tea tree with a bucket of boiling hot water (only falling over and scalding himself again twice), and tea as we know it was born.
Tea has been discovered in many other ways. One day a truck driver was driving down a road and drank too much water, so he had to piss. He went into a forest and pissed on what is now known a tea plant. He had very bad aim and pissed way above his head onto some tea leaves. Some tea was then infused with his piss. The stupid guy had his mouth open and his piss went back into his mouth. But he thought, "That was the best piss I've ever tasted." So he got a bucket and put some tea leaves in it, and pissed in it. He brought it home to his family and they loved it. Later they started a tea company and sold his creation bottled throughout the world. His name was Earl Grey.
The English claim that it was they who in fact invented the principle of tea, although in the olden days, due to a lack of tea trees in England, they used pig toenails boiled in milk instead. Though foul, it helped the development of the English language somewhat. Before the invention of tea, all the English had to talk about was how piss-poor the weather was. Now, they could talk about the piss-poor qualities of their tea as well.
How to make a perfect cup of tea
- Get someone else to do it for you.
- Failing that, make a cup of tea yourself, you lazy bastard.
- Go on, make us a cuppa, be a dear
- No, you layabout shitester, I always make the tea
The AW Tea Class Scale
The AW Tea Class Scale was devised in 2007 when it was noticed that many people were purchasing tea, some without licenses and even off the black market, not knowing what ingredients were contained within their beverage.
The scale is intented to give some indication of the class of tea the consumer is purchasing, so they know that if they are paying for GRADE A tea then that is what they are getting.
The AW Tea Class Scale is broken into 4 main categories, Elite being the finest, purest tea, and Illegal being the teas that are the most harmful and considered not fit for human consumption.
- Whittards, Jing, good quality leaf tea of all types, especially Earl Grey
- Twinings, average quality loose leaf tea, Taylors and Yorkshire Tea
- PG Tips, Tetley tea, standard breakfast teas
- Fruit Based Teas (blasphemy), No Frills, Tetley Red Bush, Tesco and other supermarkets value tea. Not even worthy of being poured on a woman's face during sex by James Bond, tea served on Ryanair and CrossCountry Trains
“Proper tea is theft.”
Tea is a major source of power, especially in England, where tea is in abundance. The development of tea fusion in 1944 helped the British Army design cyborg beefeater armies (complete with rocket arms, jetpacks and silly hats) to take over the world — eventually, after a few cups of tea and a good sit down.
Scientists are building a tea-fusion reactor at Dungeness, which should provide electricity and water for the whole of the South East of England. The project is not without danger, however, as the previous attempt created a large crater in a location formerly known as Birmingham.
Tea in America
- America produces seven billion tons of tea every second, nearly all of it for export. The Tetley Tea Company employs three shifts of monkeys, which can be seen in their television advertisements, to produce teabags around the clock.
- When corrupt American politicians scheme to plot a gigantic bribery scheme, if there are enough to attain critical mass, the ground may begin to swell, a phenomenon known as a Teapot Dome.
- There's trouble, right here in River City. It starts with a capital T and it rhymes with P and that stands for pool.
Tea in the United Kingdom
“You've put fucking mushrooms in this, haven't you?”
- In the United Kingdom, tea is often used as currency, called Liptons.
- If you stacked every box of tea sold in the UK each year on top of one another, then you would have done an incredibly stupid thing and might be arrested.
- The British Government's approved Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) of tea is 5 litres for a man or a woman, though women must use smaller cups (D cups, rather than the gigantic T cups). However, there is a statutory minimum of 20 litres for builders, plumbers, and electricians.
- The sort of biscuit that Britons prefer to dunk into a cup of tea is a rubber biscuit.
- Tea seems to scare away American patriots. They run from the battlefield once the aroma of tea enters their noses. This is why General Washington was so ineffective against the dreaded "redcoats."
Tea in interstellar space
Centuries in our future, on the starship Enterprise, Captain Picard would often drink tea. "Earl Gray, piping hot," he would tell the synthesizer (which we primitives refer to as the teapot). "And strike up some Bolero music so that I can dance with myself and feel smug."
In the past of the future, tea also played a role. Captain Hikaru Sulu was partial to tea, although Starfleet had not quite invented seat belts for starship personnel, and least of all for little, brittle teacups with the starship logo (pictured) that broke into deadly little shards whenever a starship would hit one of those frequent gravimetric tachyon fields or whatever it was.