Orange Juice

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Both Muslims and Christians have historically had issues with regards to Juice.
GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, the use of Orange Juice impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

Orange juice, unlike balsa wood, is a beverage most people in Mediocre Britain drink for breakfast, or dinner as they call it. It is most commonly "made" from burning paper and wizard piss (see The Aztecs for more details) and sometimes blue and green glacé cherries. It is often suggested that you should drink milk, because O.J. kills.

Origins[edit | edit source]

Orange Juice is made through a process of 10 easy steps.

  1. Acquire Oranges from the nearest Orangutan
  2. Peel Oranges (See also Peeling Bananas)
  3. Politely Ask the oranges to expel their juices into a cup, mug, glass or navel. (Drink and then swallow.)

Getting Oranges[edit | edit source]

Oranges come from the banana tree deep in the jungles of Liechtenstein, but only when a mountain goat that has been blessed by The Pope on February 30 in a fibbonaci numbered year urinates at the base of the banana tree before it reaches the height of a man's breast. It is because of the close relationship between the banana tree and the orange tree that people use oranges in various "Knock Knock Jokes" such as:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
(Laughter ensues...not)
This Joke is awfull. Fuck this shit Alternatively, oranges can be grown on orange trees, but this method requires at least double the effort.

Peeling Oranges[edit | edit source]

Warning: Peeling oranges is a high risk activity, and should not be attempted under any circumstances. Peeling oranges should be undertaken only by a professional, and the procedure is presented here for educational purposes only.

  1. Obtain a sword, ax, spear, meat cleaver, ice pick, or any other sharp object.
  2. Carefully circumscribe the orange vertically in four equidistant places, careful to cut only the skin of the orange (oranges hate haircuts).
  3. Pull gently at each of the skin sections away from the flesh of the orange.
  4. If you cut the flesh of the orange, you have failed. Punish yourself accordingly and find a new orange ready to begin again.

Cutting your own flesh is a less serious mistake. See First Aid. Orange may still be used, if intact. Wash off blood.

Making Orange Juice[edit | edit source]

Orange Juice

You will need:

  • Two dozen grapes, peeled.
  • Two Jeeps
  • A large bowl, preferably fragile glass.
  • One Batman mug.
  • A large uncooked egg.
  • Pancake Batter

To make:

  1. Park the two Jeeps about 30 feet apart from one another, face to face.
  2. Drop the grapes from anywhere above 20 feet so that they fall between the Jeeps.
  3. Drive the Jeeps towards each other so that, upon collision, the grapes will be caught betwixt their bumpers.
  4. Then take the egg and put it in the bowl. Drop the mushed grapes into the bowl and stir well. Make sure to add the pancake batter!
  5. Pour the resulting mess into your Batman mug.

Makes one glass.

-- Another way of making orange juice: --

Take any number of peeled oranges (make sure you have a professional peel them) and run them through a juicer. Take the juice that comes out of the juicer and pour it into a cup. This juice is orange juice.

This method is widely considered to work effectively, though no evidence exists of this method actually producing legitimate orange juice.

Alternate Uses[edit | edit source]

what a great night Oranges. Aren't they fascinating? They can be used for so many things. One of which includes summoning Buddha, Allah, Gablahblah, Mohammad, and Jesus. This is just from one little orange, too. A whole grove of orange trees includes many possibilities, such as summoning (number of trees * oranges per tree) Buddhas.

Oranges are also a good source of gangster (a vitamin most of you don't know about). By simply eating one orange a day you too can be as ghetto as Lil' Mama, Shakira, or maybe even Elton John. Michael Jackson, Ricky Bobby, or even Rick Ross! HUSTLE! Orange juice was most coveted for its strong taste of grape juice.

Famous Events in Orange Juice History[edit | edit source]

  • A very long time ago BC - Orange Jews invent Orange juice.
  • 1490 BC - An ancient Sumerian orange juice worship ritual goes astray when Robin Hood loses one of his golden sneakers.
  • 300 BC - Egyptian Pharaohs, wishing to take Orange Juice with them to the afterlife, build pyramids to store millions of gallons of Orange Juice for their afterlives. Thieves break into the pyramids, steal the orange juice, desecrate the corpses, leave behind invaluable gold statues.
  • 44 BC - After it becomes suspected Julius Caesar may be planning to declare himself king over all Orange Juice, a group of conspiring senators assassinate him. Orange Julius established in his honour, and continues to enjoy record profits in shopping mall food courts everywhere, next to hot dogs and Sunglass Huts.
  • 1142 AD - King Pierre, the dumb cousin of King Arthur, and his knights of the cubic table, departs on a crusade against the evilish Christians to capture the only existing orange tree of this era, which did grow up in the middle of Jerusalem. After 76 months of traveling they figured they just went the wrong way and walked away from their goal and died from a convenient meteor crash.
  • 1773 AD - Boston colonists, chanting "no taxation without thirst quenching," pour thousands of gallons of English Orange Juice into the water in great "Boston Orange Juice Mixer." Americans soon after began drinking the other famous thirst quencher, Sprite, in protest.
  • 1905 AD - Upton Sinclair's famous book, "The Rain Forest" is published, making public the horrors of the Orange Juice packing industry. Mules and Ponies, instead of Unicorns, were being used to filter Orange Juice. Instead of Pixie Dust, Talcum Powder or rat poison was added. Congress sits on its hands and switches to drinking Lemonade, a.k.a. the Devil's Elixir. Congress' switch to Lemonade directly correlates to Congress beginning to suck hardcore.
  • 1929 AD - When the primary shareholder in Yummy suddenly sells all his stock, all other Yummy and Tasty stockholders follow suit, setting into motion the stock market crash that would cause the Great Depression. Families would stand in line for hours to get one cup of orange juice to split between themselves.
  • 1942 AD - In the darkest days of war, ruthless Nazi slave labor camps begin production of concentrate, marketed by Hitler under the slogan "Arbeit: Nicht Frei" (work, not freedom).
  • August 10, 1945 AD: V-J day: California orange growers declare victory over Japan and begin the export of sunshine worldwide.
  • 1945ish- Baby Boom is not caused my end of World War II, rather by an advertising campaign by Orange Juice manufacturer Sun Valley Orange Juice, which urged buyers to "Drink Orange Juice and Screw for Vitality."
  • 1957 AD - Tang invented. Downfall of civilization begins.
  • 1960 AD - "Honk if you like Orange Juice" bumper sticker invented. Noise pollution invented soon thereafter.
  • 1963 AD - JFK is assassinated. When his assassin Lee Harvey Oswald is killed three days later by known Orange Juice Mafia member Jack Ruby, JFK's own ties to the Orange Juice Mafia, that they may have helped him win the presidential election in exchange for cooperation in sales of Unicorn filters, are called into question. Also, this year was home to the national Orange Juice Day scandal.
  • 1969 AD - Americans win space race by making Neil Armstrong first man to drink Orange Juice on the moon. The last of the Tang is launched into deep-space orbit by NASA from the Space Shuttle Pinto and Space Shuttle Hindenburg, never to be seen again.
  • 1979 AD - Edwin Collins forms the Jam. Upon being informed that that name was taken he settles for second best and calls the band Orange Juice. They are most notable for inventing all music not invented by Joy Division
  • 1990 AD - Orange Juice is born in someplace that is not Orange County, California.
  • 1999 AD - Orange Juice is the unanimous decision by all lists compiled to be the coolest thing ever, millennia disregarded.
  • 2003 AD - George W. Bush invades Iraq, officially to preserve democracy and protect America, though it is widely suspected he just wanted access to Iraq's vast Yummy and Tasty drilling fields.
  • 2006 AD- Orange Juice 360 is released, many young thrill seekers skip school to wait in line for it. While waiting, people were impressed by the size of [Darryl Dawkins] fingernails. Orange juice is too yummy for my baby taste buds!!

Notable Orange Juice Quotes[edit | edit source]

  • "I did not have Juicy relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky." ~ Richard Nixon
  • "One small sip for a man... one giant gulp for mankind." ~ Neil Armstrong
  • "I am not an Orange Juice thief. Crook? Would crook sound better? I am not a crook." ~ Bill Clinton
  • "The first sign of understanding life is the wish for Orange Juice." ~ Franz Kafka
  • "Beer is proof that God exists and wants us to be happy. Wait, did I say beer? I meant to say Orange Juice. I just, haha, saw some guy drinking a beer and must've thought beer when I meant to say Orange Juice. Oh man, I hope that doesn't get misquoted." ~ Benjamin Franklin
  • "Orange... Orange! Nothing rhymes with orange!"* ~ Uttered by Edgar Allen Poe Shortly before taking his own life.
  • "Orange Juice is dead." ~ Nietzsche
  • "Nietzsche is dead." ~ OJ
  • "My God! The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!" ~ Louis Winthorpe III
  • "Orange juice is so gay" ~ Oscar Wilde (owner of playgirl magazine)
  • "You got orange juice all over my face" ~ Oscar Wilde to Elton John
  • "My favorite thing about orange juice is the way it squishes in between your fingers after you give it a rousing dip" ~ Colonel Liver Smith Dopplestooge
  • "Let them drink juice!" ~ Marie Antoinette
  • "BFF's forever!" ~Orange Juice

See Also[edit | edit source]