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I get a hard on just looking at 'em. No no, it's not not what it seems.

“Cranberries? That's how I got my magical powers”

~ Chuck Norris on Cranberries

“Cranberries made me immortal, why won't I die?”

~ Smelly old dude at the senior center on Cranberries

“I rubbed them on my boobies and now look at them!”

~ Jennifer Love Hewwit on Cranberries

“I'll have you just the way you are...”

~ Dolores O'Riordan on Cranberries

Cranberries are widely acknowledged as the tastiest food known to man. Cranberries are made from the sacred skin of Jesus and contain vitamins A,B,C,D,E plus several other vitamins that have not yet been discovered. The taste of cranberries can be described as being drop kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. One cranberry can cause a multiple orgasm, a handful of cranberries can cause your head to explode, twice. Cranberries have been proven to cure blindness, combat terrorism and improve your sexiness if you rub them on your skin.

Einstein spent his entire life trying to find something tastier then a cranberry. On his deathbed he discovered the one thing that was tastier then a cranberry: two cranberries.

To Catch a Cranberry[edit | edit source]

To catch a cranberry you must climb Mount Everest with your bare feet. Once at the top, you must prove your worthiness to the wise cranberry monks by having an erotic tango dance with 12-foot-katanas!!! After that you must have a naked wrestling match with a serial rapist. Finally, you must play someone in Super Smash Bros. who has unlimited hammer, which is FUCKING cheap. If the monks find you worthy they will let you have one of their cranberry apprentices, but if you fail they WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. BLARRRRRRGH!!1

Cranberry Juice[edit | edit source]

If you value your nads I wouldn't recommend drinking it. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

To drink the blood of a cranberry is considered blasphemy and is punishable by death and the removal of genetalia.

Ocean Spray is a satanic cult that focuses on drinking cranberry juice. It was rumoured that George Bush was a member of the cult, but he claims to have no affiliation with the group and adds that some of his best friends are cranberries.

See Also[edit | edit source]