Avocado

“Tastes great.”

– Tom Brady

mmm... Tasty!

The avocado is a racially superior vegetable. I stress vegetable, lest we confuse the avocado with a mere tomato or another dreadfully inadequate potato. Like a king made of solid emerald, the avocado reigns over the vegetables/fruits food group with a leafy fist. The Avocado enforces its superiority with its caring policies of banning minorities.

Specifications

With its green skin and green flesh, the avocado is envied by many for its homogenous perfection. Carrots across the country rage at the avocado's sublime egg-shapedness, which not even the misnamed eggplant can match. The unique qualities of the avocado lends itself to numerous applications no other vegetable may even aspire to imitate. A misguided youth, caught without supplies, attempted to make guacamole with a yam. Catastrophe ensued. This man's name is Adolf Hitler.

Weighing in at an average of 100g, the avocado can hold its own in any vegetable fighting competition. The reedy celery is snapped asunder by the viridian verisimilitude of the avocado. Even the not-so-great pumpkin, at the sight of the avocado's very hue, is readily sent into a teary fit. Well, it would be, if pumpkins could talk.

Applications

One can use the avocado for untold hundreds of purposes. Here are a few.

• Guacamole: Apply the flat side of a sledgehammer to the flat side of an avocado. Scrape remnants off wall. Serve with chips(fries, if you're American).
• California rolls: Apply the flat side of a sledgehammer to the flat side of an avocado. Scrape remnants off wall. Add imitation crab meat. Serve with rice and seaweed.
• Wallpaper paste: Apply the flat side of a sledgehammer to the flat side of an avocado. Scrape remnants off wall. Apply to wall. Serve with wallpaper.

Your lips will be left smacking in orgasmic delight.

Cooking

You can also cook it, if you have no other food in the fridge. The green outer 'carapace' (the gastronome's term) is indigestible, containing harmful cardioids, carotids, and arachnoid granulations, but no part of the 'fruit of princes' should be wasted, so it is traditional to remove this with a soft cloth (slow method) or grater, heat it gently in a pan, and sprinkle it over the finished product, with some brandy. It burns easily and adds a spectacular purple effect.

Opinions differ on the best method of preparation before roasting your avocado.

• French method: hung with a clove of garlic inserted in it until hard. Turn it round and kiss it once a week.
• Greek: dressed in coriander, ginger, a glaze of beeswax and yoghurt; then marinated in a beautiful woman's urine (not pregnant! this turns it black and leathery and is only suitable for olives).
• Scottish (traditional): Eviscerated and mixed with the cardboard box it came in. Leave for a year and a day.
• Scottish (contemporary, chic): Dipped successively in tar, milk chocolate, beeswax, pregnant sailor's urine, toffee, prawn cocktail, dark chocolate, raspberry fondant, and mashed sheep's liver. Set fire to it until the fire brigade arrive and put it out.
• Chinese: inside a cat.

How to Identify

Avocados are, surprisingly, difficult to find in certain areas. Canadians must pay upwards of $60-80 to jolt their tastebuds with the rollercoaster ride that is the avocado. While far more common in America, many unenlightened Americans misidentify the avocado as the misshapen lime or a very small watermelon.

A fresh avocado can be identified by its skin. Being a distant relative of the crocodile, the avocado's skin is calloused and rough, nearing indestructibility. Avocados are, thus, also well-used by terrorist cells as projectiles in makeshift mortars.

See also

• Green Party
• Pearl Jam