Pearl Jam

Pearl Jam (formed 1989) were among the first bands to combine the genres of brutal death metal and Marilyn Monroe. Their texts focus mostly on suicides of old people. Although the debut album, Stan, wasn't a big hit, the other albums were big smashes, including whichever one had that song "Elderly Women Behind The Counter In A Small Town", not to be confused with a porno by the same name. Their only show took place on Eddie Vedder's Bar Mitzvah. As more people wanted them to do more live shows, they decided to become reclusive, and even though everybody knows where they live, they have never been seen again ______ . . . .

History ______ . . . .

They Would Go On To Become Pearl Jam

Pearl Jam is noted as being the explosive force behind the "Big Bang", an action that most scientists, atheists, and LSD abusers believe created the universe. Eddie Vedder (a.k.a. "Sweaty Eddie"), the group's frontman, was born to The Virgin Mary on the sun, and hitched across the galaxy on rouge comets. Vedder came down to Earth by the power of the Holy Spirit, riding the meteorite that allegedly killed the dinosaurs. (This mass murder has not yet been proven in a court of law. Upon arriving to Earth and witnessing the chaos that his death-rock had brought upon the planet, Vedder decided to try and bring peace to mankind by performing sad songs to crowds of drunks alongside several musically innept mortals. They would go on to become Pearl Jam. Vedder is seated at the right hand of The Father He Does Not Know.*

* except for when he's surfing

11 and Celebrity Deathmatch

A Llama that Eddie Vedder befriended while performing on the "Where's Jeremy" tour. He would later eat the llama on stage, much to the horror of PETA activists and bewildered awe of geeky 15-year-old boys.

Eddie Vedder created Pearl Jam in The 90's, after several of the children he fathered reached adulthood. Unaware of his paternal relationship to them, the children joined the constantly-drunken Vedder and performed music in bars, nightclubs, ampetheaters, and carnivals. Vedder quickly became friends with fellow musicians Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley, and they gained fame on alternative rock music circuits as being the last three bands in the Seattle area that sucked too much to become famous.

This changed when Vedder, KoBain, and Staley united as The Wonder Twins, superheroes sworn to fight the evils of sobriety. Bored, stoned teenage kids quickly fell in love with their bad voices, fuzzy guitars, and utter unlikeability, and Pearl Jam released it's first record, "#", to positive reviews. One reviewer called it, "delicious," while two additional reviewers called the first reviewer "ugly" and "dumpy."

The album sold well on the strength of the songs "Black" (A song about a girl), "Oceans" (a song about a girl), "Once" (a song about a girl), "Porch" (a song about a girl), "Why Go?" (a song about a girl), and "Jenny" (a song about a gun-toting adolescent fat girl).

To gain even more fame, Eddie Vedder challenged Kurt Kocaine to a public brawl, due to Kocaine proclaiming his repeated three chord, distortion dretched sound was much better that Vedder's 15 chord distortion, whammy, and ketchup dretched sound. A bloody, unholy conflict ensuthed that came to be known as "The Rodney King Riots". This brawl is often played on late-night MTV 7, under the title Celebrity Deathmatch.

The No Crowd era ______ . . . .

After the concept album No Crowd got seven platinums and and one planitarium only three days after its release, with huge hits like "Hail Hell" and "Off He Jacks", Pearl Jam decided to reinvent the Hip-Hop, this time with a new name: Rap. After another huge success with "Rio Tact" (The DVD version included a massive carnival orgy starring Snoop Dogg, Oscar Wilde, and Paris Hilton), the future seems rather bright for the lads ______ . . . .

______ . . . .

The Parl Jeam era ______ . . . .

They are back in 2006 with their new album. With songs like: Fucking Wasted, Army Deserve, Big Whale, Fucker in the sand... they come back hard as ever ______ . . . .(Editor's note: this whole article sucks.)

In 2009, Pearl Jam returned with a super deluxe reissue of its seminal debut album, Stan. This anniversary edition features the entire album remixed in Real Audio monorail sound by Brendan O' Brien, a video of the band's full air miming performance on MTV unplugged in 1992, the full album available as downloadable content for Air Guitar Hero 4 video game, 2 12" record set of the band's 1992 performance headlining Seattle's Shit in the Park and a glossy flat of then tour manager Eric Johnson's naked asshole as he was beginning the act of taking an actually dump in the park and was captured by former band photographer Lance Mercer, 2 12" record of the band's 92' unplugged performance, PLUS an 8-track of Eddie Vedder's answering messages at his apartment in San Diego while he worked as a janitor and later a gas station attendant during majority of the 80's and finally an autographed piece of toilet paper signed and used by Eddie Vedder himself as part of his doo-doo ritual at the band's rehearsal space at the Galeria Potatohead in Seattle.

Delete Key (2009)

On June 1, 2009, it was confirmed on Conan O'Brien's Variety Hour that the band were returning to strictly Vinyl and Cassette format for their latest release, Delete Key, on September 20th, 2009. One of their latest songs, which they also previewed on the show, "You Want Some Of This? (Cum and Get Cum, Stupid Song Stupid Song, This Is A Stupid Song, Flotsam Jetsam Cummin On And Cum Son! Stupid Son Stupid Son I Have Stupid Son)", made it's way to all corners of the internet with the recent conclusion of the "Where's Pearl Jam?" promotional effort in July, and can now be heard on various websites, as well as the CD itself, which finally came out.

As well, in August 2009, accompanying the CD, Pearl Jam revealed and released a fuzzy 7" decorative dildo to the public, with the lyrics to two of the new songs microscopically inscribed into it: The Devo cover "Whip It", and "Sonic Blast". One of the group's many anti-war songs. The band have jokingly stated recently that this has been "the best promotional idea we have ever put our heads together on". Much to their disappointment, however, nobody laughed. So, with the awkward silence that followed, they did what any self-preserving human being would do, and changed the subject.

Acclaim through songwriting ______ . . . .

Pearl Jam have received praise from critics throughout their career due to their great songwriting. Lyrics such as' heevan resthisheadona pila made of concrete... again, and heveeeeen hes gonna show em a hes gonna be again-a' ~ Even Flow.

Pearl Jam have managed to maintain this quality all the way through to there most recent effort. "giddy aww giddy oh, da hose ease gone, es everybody carry on, c'ay-e-on, I GAH son!" ~ "Got Some"

Members ______ . . . .

• Steady Eddie
• Jess Ament (Jeremy Spoke)
• Stoned Gizzards
• Mad Dog Mcready
• James 'Terminator' Cameron
• Pope Francis

Past members:

• Rave Cruisin' USA
• Dave Abruzesesezeseseseese
• Jeremy Irons

Albums ______ . . . .

Stan (1991)

1. BDSM / Incest, Murder, And Blame (Part 2)

2. Even Flow Of Menstrual Fluid

3. Dead

4. Incest, Murder, And Blame (Part 1)

5. White

6. Jer-Uh-Mee's Pok-Ayn (In Class Today)

7. The Red Sea Was Made Of Blood At One Point

8. Behold, The Sunsetter Retractable Awning! (Interlude)

9. Garden Salad

10. Deep Cover (Feat. Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg)

11. Releasing My Inner Most Feelings To My Psychiatrist

12. Just A Queer (2009 Re-Issue Bonus Track)

13. Bastard (2009 Re-Issue Bonus Track)

14. Bad Breath And A Squeel (2009 Re-Issue Bonus Track)

15. Steal, Lie & Trust (2009 Re-Issue Bonus Track)

16. 2,000 Mile Loogie (2009 Re-Issue Bonus Track)

17. The Evil Llama From Our Highly Anticipated Follow-Up CD, Mortal Kombat (2009 Re-Issue Bonus Track)

Mortal Kombat (1993)

1. Go Away

2. I'd Rather Be Fucked By An Animal

3. Mother (Danzig Cover)

4. Glorified Virgin On A Pelican

5. You Just Got Dissed By Pearl Jam, Dawg!

6. N.A.M.B.L.A.

7. Bloody Vag

8. Side-Mirror On The Side Of Your Car

9. Mickey Mouse

10. The Old Fart In Front Of The Bartender's Serving Table In The Middle Of A Very Very Very Large City Which Is Larger Than This Title Is Long (Trust Me)

11. Leeches!

12. Independence Day

Vaginalogy (1994)

1. Rear-Entrance

2. You Spin Me Right 'Round

3. All For You

4. Tremble Out Of Control, Religiously (Feat. Michael J. Fox)

5. Everythingman

6. Just Like Aunt Pearl, Think I've Had Enough

7. Pry, To

8. Cum-Stained Corduroys

9. Bugs Bunny

10. The Devil's La-Z Boy That He Watches Soap Operas On

11. Eddievedderman (Crank Dat)

12. Aye Whuh?!

13. Mortal Kombat (the previous album)

14. Mopping The Floor Of An XXX-Theater

No Crowd (1996)

1. Every Freakin' Time

2. Hail Hitler

3. Who You Are Makes a Difference

4. In My Danger Zone

5. Smile

6. He's Out of the Closet, He's Horny, and He's Naked

7. Rabbit

8. Read Muskeetow

9. Lookin'

10. Prepenp Tente

11. Manhandled

12. I'm Out of the Closet, Too

13. Bendy Dick

Shield The Children (1998)

1. Brain Stew (Green Day Cover)

2. Completely Full Of Shit

3. Way

4. Ticket To Ride (Beatles Cover)

5. Shit List

6. Pirate

7. De-Evolution

8. ...

9. Monkey Fucking A Coconut

10. Low Brow

11. Hide & Seek

12. Push It In, Pull It Out, Push It In, Pull It Out...

13. 8 Years Worth Of Yesterdays Since We Started This Band (And We Still Ain't Sold Out)

14. Hummers! (Hidden Track)

Binary Code (2000)

1. The Water Broke, And The Baby Fell Out (SHIT!)

2. All Dogs Go To Heaven

3. Ejaculation

4. Light Beers

5. Nothing Is Real... Can You Hear Them?!

6. Thinning Pubic Hair

7. Even Though This Song Made It On The CD, It's Clearly Insignificant

8. On Top Of The Girl

9. Grief Counseling

10. North Korea

11. Santa's Sleigh

12. Remember Later... Or Never

13. Parting Gays

14. Legos! (Hidden Track)

Rite-Aid (2002)

1. Can't Keep Me Queer

2. Shave You

3. The Pope

4. Crop Circles

5. Toast

6. I Like Wine

7. Thumbing My Own Ass

8. U.R.

9. Get Straight

10. HIV

11. Kelp Kelp

12. George W. Bush Sucks

13. 1/2 Full Of Shit

14. Noah's Ark

15. All, Or None, Or Some, Or Perhaps Just A Little Bit (We Can't Decide)

Misplaced Kittens: B-Sides & Rare Shit (2003)

DISC #1

1. All Damn Day
2. Giddy
3. Left And Diagonally Across
4. The Hitcher
5. Don't Even THINK About Talking Back To Me, Bitch!
6. Reclusive (Fuck Fame)
7. In The Spotlight (Fuck Fame, Part Two)
8. No Ed-Ju-Kat-Un
9. Clear, White, Sticky
10. Me & Only Me
11. I'm Not Staying In This Place
12. Eddie's Outta Control, Again (RUN!)
13. Whale Thong
14. This Shit Keeps Coming Apart...
15. Customer Service (On Hold)
16. Little Bedwetter

DISC #2

1. Dangerous (Feat. Michael Jackson)
2. The Other Side Of The Fence
3. I Can't Quite Picture It...
4. Incest, Murder & Blame (Part Three)
5. Drying With A Used Towel
6. Zombie
7. Dances With Wolves (Soundtrack)
8. Drifting (Oregon Trail)
9. Silent Night / O Christmas Tree
10. The Judas Kiss (Feat. Metallica)
11. Bittersweet Hugh
12. Unwashed Dick
13. Grandma
14. I Want To Be A Girl
15. 12/21/12 [Hidden Track]

Queerviewmirror (Gayest Shits Begining of Time-2843)

Disc 1

1-16. Same old shit that was on the last five albums

Disc 2

1.White

2.Meth (previously unreleased because it was only on a movie called 'Shingles')

3-17. More of the same old shit...

See Band Name (2006)

1. So Fucking Wasted

2. WWF

3. Condoms On Toast

4. Peter Parker's Severed Hand

5. Lovers In The Sand

6. Paraplegia

7. Unemployment Line

8. Homosexual Rave

9. Girls Gone Wild

10. Encore! Encore!

11. Another War Song

12. Cum On My Back

13. Blow Job

Delete Key (Also known as Grand Theft Auto: Pearl Jam) (2009)

1. Kneelin' Gonna See Da PearlJammaConcertwidmyfriends

2. You Want Some Of This? (Cum and Get Cum, Stupid Song Stupid Song, This Is A Stupid Song, Flotsam Jetsam Cummin On And Cum Son! Stupid Son Stupid Son I Have Stupid Son)"

3. The Pearl Jammer (Feat. Bob The Builder)

4. Johnny B. Goode (Feat. Chuck Berry)

5. Just Breasts

6. Stuck Under The Waves (Drowning)

7. I Really Don't Know... The Ocean (Led Zeppelin cover)

8. Sonic Blast (Oasis Cover)

9. MORE SPEED!

10. A Song For Our Mother Nature (Oasis cover)

11. The End Is The Beginning Is The End (Is The Beginning) (Smashing Pumpkins cover)

12. Peanut Butter And Pearl Jam Sandwich (Everything On It) *HIDDEN SECRET TRACK*

Lightning and Thunder Nuts and Bolts (2013)

1. Get Away From Here Before I Kick Your Ass

2. Manner Your Minds

3. My Father's Son Is My Brother (On the Off-chance That It's Not Me)

4. The Sirens That Warn of the Air Raid

5. Lightning and Thunder Nuts and Bolts

6. Epically Fallible

7. Penguins Marching

8. It's Impossible to Swallow a Whale Whole Unless You Slice It in Small Pieces

9. Let the Records Be Broken (Because Usain is a Bolt too)

10. Sleeping, Resting His Head on a Pillow Made of Concrete (Again) (and Again)

11. Lemon Yellow Moon, Arms Raised in a V, and the Dead Lay in Pools of Maroon Below

12. Days of Future Past, Present and Even Farther in the Future

See also

• Pearl necklace
• King Jeremy the Wicked
• UnTunes:Animal (with actual animals)

Pearl Jam is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media

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External links ______ . . . .

• PearlJam.com
• PearlJam.es
• Pearl Jam
• Not Pearl Jam