The New Pornographers

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Ha ha! And they said it would be impossible to upload pornographic images!


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“What in the bloody hell did I just listen to?”

~ Piers Morgan on Mass Romantic

“How about the New Child-Fondling Pedo Priests? NOTHING wrong with a name like that, eh?”

~ A hater on The New Pornographers' lewd-sounding name

“They sing Spanish techno.”

~ Captain Obvious on The New Pornographers

“But they can't dance!”

~ Phil Collins on The New Pornographers

The New Pornographers, sometimes abbreviated TNP, The New 'Nogs, or The New Pr0nographers, is a Canadian indie rock band formed in Mantoobia by AC Newman. They are notable for being the world's first commercial distributors of "new pornography", a much more technological form of the original pornography that is completely auditory. As with most things of Canadian origin, they started small, but as the rock and Spanish techno they played began to become more and more recognized, their popularity grew, although more for their name than their music. Their most common lyrical theme is gibberish (It's even more common than love! Can you believe that?)

Over the years, The New Pornographers have stood as a prominent figure in the Spanish techno scene and a major driving force behind the Canadian Spanish techno movement. They have, at the moment, released five albums, only a few of which have been considered truly great. The others have been the inspiration of dozens and dozens of obscenity-filled rants from countless fappers expecting something else.


AC Newman[edit]

The group's lead singer, also notable for playing the guitar, melodica, harmonium, spoons, and sledgehammer-and-dog. Also the writer of most of the group's songs. However, the songs he writes have absolutely no meaning, and he does not care.

He is mainly given credit to as the band's genius and mastermind, while other members (except Neko Case) are essentially ignored. Even Newman himself understands this, and he uses it to his advantage. When he's being interviewed (and let me say that oh, man, can this guy flap his jaw for FOREVER) alongside other members, he will never let them speak more than the first words of sentences. Except Neko Case.

Todd Fancey[edit]

The New Pornographers as they looked sometime after their initial formation.

AKA Mr. Fancey Pants, because his pants are indeed fancy. Actually, Fancey isn't his real last name. He had it legally changed because his original last name was also the name of a certain Megadeth song that gave him nightmares as a child. Anyway, he plays guitar, like everyone else on the planet. Laaaaame. Moving on.

Dan Bejar[edit]

The frontman of Destroyer, who came to help TNP write songs on the days that Newman could not make it due to his self-granted days off and occasional gymnastics classes. Not the best singer or songwriter, but then again, neither was Bob Dylan.

John Collins[edit]

Who is John Collins?

Kurt Dahle[edit]

Well, he's a drummer, which, in layman's terms, means he plays drums. It's also notable that he plays a drum kit. Sometimes, however, he chooses to, instead, play drums. Did we mention he plays drums?

Kathryn Calder[edit]

The band's very bouncy keyboardist. Also known as "the other girl" in the band. Nobody cares about her. Moving right along, people.

Blaine Thurier[edit]

He's not a real musician. They just stuck him in the band for bragging rights. I mean, how many bands can just say they have Blaine Thurier in them? Anyway, he supposedly plays the keyboard, but in fact, in most recordings, the keyboard parts he supposedly plays are actually done by Kathryn Calder's twin sister, Shanequa Calder. But Newman didn't want someone named Shanequa in the band, saying the name just sounded too cheesy. Therefore, Blaine Thurier. Wa-pow! Wouldn't the world be a better place if more problems were just solved this way?

Neko Case[edit]

Ah, Neko. The big motherfucker. Really, she's the only reason why the band is famous. I mean, really. John Collins? Dan Bejar? Who gives a canuck about random guys like that? But Neko Case? People pay attention to her. It's notable that she should not be confused with Neko, although they are most likely the same person anyhow.

Due to her overwhelming solo career (as well as other reasons, into which we will not delve), Neko is usually absent at TNP's live shows, replaced by The Other Girl (aka Kathryn Calder). The Other Girl can sing her parts well, but she's often heckled. People just want to see Neko! Does this not prove my earlier point?


Young AC Newman attempts to teach himself to play the guitar.

AC Newman's Early Years[edit]

Avarius Cornelius Newman, the band's founder (who goes by AC Newman, because who the hell wants a name like that? Although some have said that his name was actually Allan Carl Newman, and the whole "Avarius" business was made up just to make people feel sorry for him.) was not an ordinary Canadian. For one, he had only four toes on one foot. Also, he did not like to play hockey. His family eventually kicked him out of the house at age 11, and he was forced to live on the streets for a long time.

Newman stole acquired his first guitar at the age of thirteen and began haggling for money on the streets. He used the majority of the money he acquired to buy beer, which he began to stockpile. The remaining cash was used to buy Playboy magazines, under the lie "It's for my lesbian sister." Newman soon became an advocate of porn, both normal and gay.

Newman's Musical Foray[edit]

AC started his first band, Zumpano (this name originates from the name of an Indian tribe which translates roughly to "Chief No Want Drug"), soon after, in which he sang. Soon after this band was formed, Newman also began another band, Superconductor. However, both of these bands soon broke up. Some say it was because of the lyrical inconsistency of the songs they wrote. Others claimed that they just sucked. But the point is, without a band to play in, Newman had no money coming in. Music was not working for him- he needed a Plan B. He went back to his secret lair in the sewer to begin drawing out ideas.

Formation of the New Pornographers[edit]

Finally, after Newman had graduated college, he finally found a way to combine his three loves: porn, music, and porn. He began to create music by using a machine called the Pornalizer (copyright Dexter Gucci, 1995) to synthesize pornographic images from his magazine into a brand-new auditory porn that resembled synthpop but a bit more techno-like. The machine was fueled by beer, so Newman never had any trouble getting it to work. He decided to call his work "new pornography" and got quite famous among his hometown for it.

AC Newman soon decided that he would need more people to help in the creation of new porn, so he began to post flyers around town. Most of the band's members, before the formation of the band, had their own solo careers in bands that nobody knew about, and the creation of new porn was something that would be completely new to them. Thus, the possibility of a supergroup like TNP was not very likely. Still, AC Newman insisted that it be done. After comparing such a group to the Justice League many times, as well as offering a considerable amount of beer, he finally got them together. He managed to pull in Dan Bejar after a while, and somehow he managed to get that Neko Case involved. They recorded their first album, titled it "Mass Romantic", and released the first new porn the world would know.

Mass Romantic[edit]

The album cover for Mass Romantic was actually a famous painting that currently hangs in the Museum of Bad Sex.

TNP's first album, Mass Romantic (or, as it was more commonly known, That Album With That Weird-Ass Fucking Goat Watching Those People Have Sex) was the first new pornography to be distributed to the public. As a result, people new to the art form were hesitant to accept it. The album failed to chart following its initial release, which made many members of The New Pornographers feel angry that their efforts had been wasted. Secret congregations began in Dan Bejar's basement, where bottles of beer were thrown at an image of AC Newman's face.

Electric Version[edit]

The highly controversial album artwork of Electric Version. No, it's not because it looks like some sixth grader's PowerPoint presentation title slide. It's because of that monkey. Why a monkey? No one will ever be sure.

It took much convincing, but after a few more years, AC Newman finally got TNP back together to synthesize another collection of new porn. The new album, titled Electric Version, was far more successful than its predecessor, featuring much louder rock sounds almost worthy of being deemed metal. This album also managed to get on the charts, but it could never claim number one- those damn Canucks, Arcade Fire, were hogging the top spot the whole time. As soon as this knowledge reached Dan Bejar, an image of Arcade Fire soon replaced the AC Newman picture at which beer bottles were thrown.

Later on, however, the album did receive a few accolades from Rolling Stone magazine, being called the "79th best album of all time". Hearing this news brightened AC Newman's day, but only barely, as he had also been fired from his job as a substitute teacher, shot, and hit by a truck that day, and had spent most of it in the hospital.


The next two TNP albums, Twin Cinema and Challengers took a mellowed tone. Apparently, people hated this, mainly in Challengers's case. Twin Cinema, however, was actually quite well-received, being called "on par with Electric Version" and "weird as hell, but we somehow enjoy it." The album was also one of the most high-ranking on the 2006 "Best Tunes to Masturbate To" poll.


Mass Romantic[edit]

The group's first album, which was originally considered a side project until it was discovered that it was a viable way to get famous (Neko Case, nudge nudge, wink wink). Ironically, there was no sign of Spanish techno, or Spain in general, in this album.

Electric Version[edit]

Ah, Twin Cinema. An album from these guys that's actually good.

This album was a compilation of random songs about magnets and how they are used in our everyday life. Also, the band attempts to answer the age-old question: How the f*** do magnets work? Its name was originally meant to be "Pardon Me While Our Brother Goes Electric", but the name was rejected and changed at the last minute. Newman is still unsure why this happened.

Twin Cinema[edit]

Considered at its time the only really good album so far from this group, and most likely the only one that would ever be good. Although it did not win the accolades of Electric Version, it was considered an overall better album by most of its listeners. Primarily composed of alternative rock, power pop, and Spanish techno. In one song, drums were played with a rubber bouncy ball. Bet you didn't know that! Also features Spanish techno in songs such as "Sing Me Spanish Techno".


This album was the first sign that TNP was going under. Band members quit, the band got on Kaptainskye's bad side, weed got involved... Aside from those matters, everyone hates this album. I mean, come on! Just go on any music review site, and there it is, clear as day. They day just isn't complete without somebody making a snide comment about Challengers.

No Rabbits Move Now[edit]

This was more of an EP than an actual full-release album. Besides, it was so obscure that no one is even sure whether or not it exists. It may have been just a hoax, or something that was made purely to shut the hippies up.


Sometimes, my friend, the world can just be so cruel. This album is a prime example. The New Pornographers, at this point, were in such disarray that they decided, purely for humor, to name what they were sure would be their final album after what they knew the band would not be for much longer.

However, people ended up actually loving this album, bringing TNP back to the top (yes, they kicked out Arcade Fire!). They have since gotten so popular in the Spanish techno scene that even Lady Gaga has considered shooting herself. The New Pornographers, although quite reluctant to do so, are already busy recording their next album, "Crystal Fog". And more likely than not, it's gonna suck balls.

Appearances in Media[edit]

Rock Band series[edit]

Many of the New Pornographers' songs were playable in the second and third installments of that feel-like-a-rock-star-but-face-the-facts-you're-not-one game, Rock Band. From the fourth game on, none of their songs seemed to have appeared.

However, three New Pornographers songs, Twin Cinema, A Rhino in the White House, and Why the Hell Is That Goat There? were later used in the Wii game Rock Band 7: Theremin Fusion!, which was notable for adding the theremin to the instruments playable in the game. One can play the theremin along to these songs.

Star Wars[edit]

The song The Electric Version was meant to be used as the theme of the Star Wars saga. However, it was used without permission, and TNP, angry that their song was used so crassly, ordered that it be removed from the series. It was taken off at the last minute and replaced with The Star Wars Theme.

Transformers 4: You Should Know that the Sun is Very Hot[edit]

This movie is not yet released, but it is already confirmed that it sucks. At a small point, a TNP song, From Blown Speakers, was played very loudly by Decepticon lord Megatron in order to try to blast out main character Sam Witwicky's ears. He failed.

The Late Night Show[edit]

TNP played their song Sweet Talk, Sweet Turnips from newest album "Together" live on the Late Night Show. However, Jimmy Fallon kept stopping them mid-song to ask them about what the lyrics meant. Eventually, Todd Fancey got into a fist fight with him, turning the show into a wreck. The episode was not aired, but only barely so.

The Movie[edit]

Shortly after the release of the band's massively popular album Together, The New Pornographers were approached by director Tom Scharpling to be the stars of a biopic movie titled Moves: The Rise and Rise of the New Pornographers. Of course, being as busy as they were with Crystal Fog, TNP themselves could not act in the movie.

To get past this very big obstacle in the production of the film, Scharpling decided to find actors to portray the members of the New Pornographers. This was not easy. Finding someone that looks like a New Pornographer is a difficult task! A few of the resemblances are a bit of a stretch, and some of the female band members had to be played by men, but eventually it was done.

Many people were dissatisfied with the movie after it came out- i.e. this protest mob. Note the angry looks on their faces.

Cast list[edit]

  • Horatio Sanz- John Collins (also Gotye, who functioned as his stunt double)
  • Michael Lisk- Kurt Dahle
  • Wyatt Cenac- Blaine Thurier
  • Justin Timberlake- Kathryn Calder
  • Skye Sweetnam- Neko Case
  • Andy Samberg- AC Newman
  • James Rolfe- Todd Fancey
  • The Annoying Orange- Dan Bejar

Response and criticism[edit]

The movie was acclaimed quite critically on its release. Although reviews were generally positive, many haters had their rants ready on the turn of a dime. Some negative comments include "I thought this was gonna be a porno! Cheaters!", "Where's Neko?", and "Mleh. Needed more dee-flecting."