Ministry
What is the deal with the band Ministry? I mean, it is an industrial metal band, and apparently, it was founded in Chicago of all places. Chicago! And here I was, thinking that it was only possible for there to have been one band founded in Chicago: the band actually called Chicago! And not only that, it’s a metal band. A metal band that was founded in Chicago? Could have fooled me!
Not there’s anything wrong with metal music, oh no! No judgement from me! My big sister is actually a huge avid listener of Metallica. One time, she even had sex with her girlfriend listening to them. All I could hear that night was loud screaming and guitars! There was also a Metallica song playing, but was I able to hear that? Barely.
Twitching[edit | edit source]
So, what's the deal with twitching, anyway? I've been a Ministry fan for as long as I can remember, but for some unexplainable reason, I'm all twitchy while writing an article about them? Maybe it’s because I’m writing this article at school of all places, and I'm scared that I’ll get caught goofing off by the sexy, blond librarian. Sometimes, I get scared that she even reads the stuff I write on here. That would be awfully embarrassing. But hey, who knows, man? Maybe I’m just in need of a smoke.
Halloween[edit | edit source]
So, what's the deal with Halloween, anyway? It seems like everyday is Halloween these days. I’ve had that feeling for a long time. Ever since I started packing various drug products, all these little kids I go to school with crowd around my door every damn night. Even the teachers too! When exactly did we switch from teaching time to leeching time? Why do I even force myself to deal with this, anyway? I don’t even use drugs!
Palestine[edit | edit source]
So, what's the deal with Palestine, anyway? Are they ever going to get their own state? I mean, I know I pay for their electricity and all, but wouldn’t they like to have their own independent state with a flag and an army and all that stuff by now? And have their own casinos for comedians to preform at in their own cities? And maybe even pay for their own electricity? Oh, they want my city too? Well, maybe they can form their own army, so that they can shove a missile up my asshole during a Jerry Seinfeld stand up routine. That would do the trick.
Theives[edit | edit source]
So, what's the deal with thieves, anyway? They come to someone's country and just steal it? Here we were, a bunch of goddamn Palestinians under the rule of the United Kingdom, enjoying our goddamn hummus flavored tea and falafel scones. Like they were the Children of Israel or something. And the next thing you know, they're having Radiohead concerts in their soccer stadiums. I mean, whatever happened to the famous British pride and restraint? Did they all disappear? Heaven knows.
Scarecrows[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with scarecrows, anyway? Are they used anymore? I mean, is there any object in the shape of a person somewhere who's job is to scare birds away? I mean, except for Tom Waits? And why are chicks so afraid of Tom Waits? What is so intimidating about him? It wasn't like this when he was young, you know. Tom used to attract the ladies once. So what the hell happened? Maybe you should drop the politics, man. Women used to dig it once but those times are over. These days, politics are about as sexy as cockroach testicles. Just give it up.
Pig fuckers[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with pig fuckers, anyway? They're just so filthy. I remember the time I was fucking a pig in my living room. A drop of cum touched my shoelace by accident. That was the end of THOSE shoes, I'll tell you THAT. Most Palestinians consider all Israelis and most of the Jews pig fuckers. The rest are considered just plain pigs. Some Israelis who support Palestinians, such as the wonderful singer Noa, do not understand why Palestinians still believe that they enjoy fucking pigs. It's like the American musician Tad Doyle and his hog obsession. Once pig filth is attached to you, you can never get rid of it. So my advice to those Israelis is, let's just continue fucking each other like pigs and let stupid people believe whatever they want.
Superman[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with Superman, anyway? Does he have a soul? I mean, do aliens have souls in general? If aliens are angels, I bet that would mean that they do not own souls, because they are souls themselves. In every cartoon, whenever a human dies, you can see an angel resembling that guy leaving this guy's body and flies to Heaven. It's good we have Ministry to listen to instead of dealing with this kind of bullshit.
Hate[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with hate, anyway? Don't you just hate it? As I see it, if you're already hating something, like Israel, you should channel your hate correctly, and start hating hate. Since you're already such a hate expert, it shouldn't be that difficult. You can start by watching the South Park episode FREE HAT. That's a good start point.
W[edit | edit source]
What's the deal with W, anyway? Why is it accosiated with Wikipedia? When did that happen? Will it ever stop? W was such a nice letter. WP just ruined it completely. Wherever I see W I'm reminded of that godawful website. We need to un-rape W and bring it back to sanity. Well, let's just start right now. Whoever you are, join us to the W liberation front!
Rio[edit | edit source]
So Rio. What's the deal? I have to see the carnival someday. Big brown asses. Very large and big vibrating brown asses in thongs. And feathers. For tickling the brown asses. An ass tickling carnival. Brown male asses tickling brown female asses. Rio is the BEST CITY IN THE FUCKING WORLD. Wish I was there right now. Wish I could say It's my own city. I know, I'll declare a new state called "Riostine", like those people in Catalonia did, with a flag and an army and all. And then I'll just move to Riostine and tickle brown asses ALL DAY. That's a GREAT idea.
Doors[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with doors, anyway? How come they're not all revolving by now? I mean, It's 2020 already, for Christ's sake. Get on with it, people.
Larry David intermission[edit | edit source]
Elections[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with the elections, anyway? Why don't people vote? I mean, do you want Larry David to be your next president? Do you really want "Stop and Chat" to be a federal crime? Wake up, people.
From Beer To Eternity[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with From Beer To Eternity, anyway? I'm going to get it. Seems like Ministry are singing about love again. Or beer. Works either way.
KKK[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with the KKK, anyway? Do they just really love the letter ‘K’? At least it isn’t the letter ‘W’.
[edit | edit source]
So what's the deal with COVID-19, anyway? Did Trump really make a deal with Chinese aliens like American Horror Story implies? And where the hell is Kathy Bates, for fuck's sake? Must have been one of their baits.
