The Clash
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The Clash were a punk band formed in the late 19th Century consisting entirely of pirates. Over the few years the band was together it underwent many changes in members. Famously, Led Zepperin drummer Jimmy Plant sung for the group in 1897. This was however regarded as a downpoint for the band, Plant having been dead for hundreds of years. The Clash are regarded to have invented orchestral music, an interesting anomaly since they never actually played any.They got their name because they used to run into and clash into each other at their gigs.The only permanent band member over the time the band was together was Joe Strummer, who joined the band in 2003, the year after the band disbanded. Strummer's career was short lived, however, because he died in 2002, much to the lament of his fans.
Diverse Genres[edit | edit source]
The Clash were a musically diverse band, originating in the gangsta rap genre and progressing on to Classical, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Thrash Metal, Acid Funk Jazz, Hip Hop, Horrorcore, Grindcore, Tweepop, Freakbeat, Grunge, Grindcore, Vaudeville-core, Adult Contemporary, Gangsta Crap, Techno, Other, Neue Deutsche Härte, Auto-Tuned Crabcore, Pop-Punk Metal, Pop Punk, J-Pop, Showtunes, Pop Metal, Techno, Techno Metal, Progressive House, Nigger Shit, Southern Rock, Instrumental, Acoustic and Alternative. They are held to have invented all these genres, as well as several others which they did not play themselves, such as ROCK, ROCK AND ROLL the aforementioned punk rock.
Originally started out as an an an [/backspace] Arena Rock band, the Clash later joined the band the Spec Spiff-els fronted by "the only talented one" Stiv Jones and backup dancer Paul Dingus. But they smoked too many spliffs and soon forgot that they were in a band, so they went to the Cashbah and "fucked several bitches"1.
Songs[edit | edit source]
The Clash are infamous for their sexual innuendos in songs, most of their songs being about sex. Their more explicit songs include:
- Rock the Casbah
- Four Horsemen
- I'm not Down
- Complete Control
- Police and Thieves
- Tommy Gun
- Jimmy Jazz
- The Magnificent Seven
- Right Profile
- Lover's Rock
- Clampdown
- Every Little Bit Hurts
- The Call Up
- Police on My Back
- cool confusion
- One More Time
- Pimp Daddy's Calling
- Straight to Hell
When not talking about sex, their music often talks about absurd shit such as:
- The end of the world
- Not wearing blue or brown
- A partner who is addicted to heroin
- The good chances of acquiring a great job
- Pondering the communication skills of Music
- getting lost in supermarkets
- Losing in actual fist fights with the Law
- DATA BUS
- DATA BUS
- cities making phones calls and then burning
- Rockers from the city of Clash
- some guy named Rudie
- some guy, who apparently takes the Boston subway a lot, not being able to Board across water.
- Some chick cop, who busts junkies
- smelling very bad
- staying, ...or going
- Joe Strummer's daddy being a bankrobber
- bombs of Spanish descent
- bullets of American Northwestern descent
- blue coloured condoms
- riots that are apparently white in color
- Englands capital city burning with boredom
- Dialling the number 999 due to capital cities burning
- going to concerts with white skin
- the correct morals to employ whilst gambling
- some bloke named Jimmy that likes Jazz,
- Living in close proximity to a body of moving water
- being indecisive about going from or staying in places
- about parts of cities which own guns
- forgetting your name
- the time of day at which it is appropriate to stab a junkie
- 2880 minutes
- NOOOOO FUTUUUUUUUUUUURE!!
- Being bored with countries
- Some star that brings death
- Cities full of zombies
- People choosing to be "Napalm Stars" rather than surfing for their hamburger mums or because people think they should
- A rogue 3 step dance
- Dying, or being victorious
- descending to the underworld
- Popular carbonated beverages misspelled for legal reasons
- the lack of lightning conductors in the city of New York and the combinatorics of such an event happening.
- The discrimination of steel workers in Northern England, half-Vietnamese love children in Vietnam and of "immigrants" in Puerto Rico
- Montgomery Clift
- Living by the river
Origin of the name[edit | edit source]
Contrary to their official statement on “South Park”, they did not get their names because their clothes clashed. It is in fact due to their banging bin lids over each others heads until the bin lids clashed. This fact is refereed to in the line “smash your head, smash your head” on the first song of the debut album by the self titled “Bin Lids” 1987.
Members[edit | edit source]
It is not known who has been in The Clash for certain except for Strummer and Gorillaz inspired, cartoon monkey Chopper Headoff, but in a survey of the UK by Rolling Stone Magazine it was found that around 60% of Englishmen had played/sung for the band. It is even rumoured that a young Paul McCartney met an even younger Ringo Starr, those two later started up their own band, The Mars Volta. Phil Collins was their first drummer, when the band used to be called Cheap-fuck, but he was to bald to be in the band, so they disbanded him and the keyboardist Kojak. Years later, similar survey in the USA found that there never had been and never would be a band called The Clash. Interestingly, another survey conducted by the Central Intelligence Agency found that around the same time, approximately 98% of the population of the USA were members of the Central Intelligence Agency. However it is agreed by everyone, including your mother, that Joe Strummer is fact your father (how lucky are you?). Regardless of this fact, you will be beaten up in school and you will become an alcoholic later on in life.
Damages[edit | edit source]
Over the years, The Clash are rumoured to have destroyed no fewer than 70% of all hotels in England and to have made a considerable start on the USA. During their 2001 tour the group attended a rowdy party in the famous landmark World Trade Center Towers, which were toppled when bassist Paul Simon smashed his guitar over the head of US President George Foreman, a former fan of the band, while stating that "you can call me Al". Nobody has any idea why Paul Simon said this. The band has not been invited back.
Controversy over Come on Eileen[edit | edit source]
Due to the profane sounding name of their 1988 black metal single "Come on Eileen" and the 6 minute sample of said act used in the outro to the song, several radio stations started banning the song. A watershed edited remix was aptly made and released instead in light of this. The remix did not chart. An extended, unedited version of the track was also included on the rarities album "When the Two Sevens Mix" released on the Reha$hes Reha$hes label. Though popular among certain buyers, this version also did not chart.
Switzerland[edit | edit source]
In 1945 The Clash, inspired by their success in the second world war, founded their own nation, now known as Switzerland. At the time of founding it was known as "Safe European Home", seemingly the inspiration for their 1911 hit, "Julie Holland's in the Dung Squad". Their has been a population decline in the nation over the last half century, mainly due to the band having to reduce members due to lack of funds and waning popularity. It is rumored the band shitted in their pants during this visit, when a serious incident was about to go down.
End[edit | edit source]
In 1982 Chopper Headoff left the band after stealing all the band's income in order to fund his addiction to Kendal Mint Cake and Dr Pepper. The Clash were defeated by AC/DC in a rock-off. The whole story can be found on the Torah of Rock
Where Are They Now?...[edit | edit source]
It is rumoured that Joe Strummer died for legal reasons (basically an attempt to get out of a clause in his contract that said from 2002 onwards, all of his royalties from The Clash would go to keeping his Uncles pet Panda in Swiss cheese and gravy). Although believed by all of their 27 fans, this is in fact untrue - Joe can be found hanging around the back of the Bisto factory in Sharston after the workers knock off, filling his pockets with waste gravy from the bins in an attempt to appease the very angry Panda who hounds him daily. Chopper Headoff works at the Nottingham branch of Tesco's, collecting trolleys from 5pm till 10pm. Paul Simonon and Mick Jones can still be seen around the streets of Biggleswade. Paul tugs on Mick's leash while maniacally shouting "Dance monkey boy, dance!!!" Shows start at 2pm daily in Church Street. 60% of Englishmen are currently working in shitty jobs up and down the UK.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- 1,000,000 B.C.: New York Calling ( so fuckin' expensive)
- 1877: The Clash
- 1878: Whatever you do, don't give 'em rope (or else!)
- 1879: Switzerland Calling
- 1879: Manchester Faxing
- 1879: Liverpool emailing
- 1879: Bradford sending a carrier pidgeon
- 1879: I'm so bored with the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
- 1879: Birmingham on a walkie talkie.
- 1879: Gautamala Instant Messaging.
- 1879: Leicester Using Two Tin Cans and Some String
- 1879: Chelsea Texting
- 1879: Lichfield's Shining
- 1879: The Train is Leaving now, if you run, you can catch it.
- 1879: Belfast Smoke Signaling
- 1880: Snowdoninsta!
- 1880: Sand-Nig-Ista
- 1880: Sand In His Tum-tum
- 1880: Thi$ I$ Radio Cla$h
- 1881: It Was Almost Stalinist In A Way
- 1882: Combat Pop
- 1882: Tainted Love
- 1884: Kidderminster Semaphoring
- 1885: Cut the Cap Off That Marker (So We Can Sniff It And Die)
- 1889: Niagra Falling
- 1889: Sandinista (Is That A Place?) Calling
- 1889: Detroit Felching
- 1900: 2 Bags of Jism and a Pickled Egg
- 1904: Withernsea Whispering
- 1905: Chopper Headoff's in the nick again so we better release another Greatest hits album to get him some cash...
- 1906: Mick Jones' new band Big Audio Dynamite is shit and has flopped, so we better release another Greatest hits album to get him some cash...
- 1910: We're all skint, how about a West - End musical 'story of the band'? West - End way to the world, perhaps?
Live albums[edit | edit source]
- 2008: Live at Shit Stadium
- 2048: Just for You
- 2049: Live from the Bowery†
- 1971: Yezref Edward's Savage Orchestra Live
- 1975: Live For the Fans
- 1975: Evil Live
- 1975: And Another
- 1977: From Here to Eternity: Live
† This was, in fact, not a live album. For a larger effect, crowd samples from a Simon & Garfunkel reunior tour album was used as the audience sound, over a studio recording, causing both Simon & Garfunkel to file a sue, costing ¥600,000.
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Holy*
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